Story of the Sun

by Bronymaster

The First Sister

Author's Note: I know I went on a long Hiatus, and I'm sorry. I would like to explain the reasoning now. Recently, I undertook a huge amout of work, editing 15 stories, co-writing 3, and I'm currently writing another long-*** story titled Elemental Chaos. It looks to me like EC could easily end up being over 500,000 words long by the time it is done, and it should have more than 40 chapters. It's an adventure story concerning the mane six and a bunch of stuff I made up myself. Better yet, it's completely canonical, though that may change if the synopses of S3E1-2 is correct. I, for one, hope not. Regardless, the story will not be posted on this site until the entire thing is done, so you will just have to be content with this for now. Sorry if the chapter is short or not up to par in anyway, but I decided I should at least give you guys something as the choice was between writing a fairly long chapter or splitting it into two smaller parts. The next chapter should be longer to make up for this. Now, let's let the story begin.

The small filly looked around the grassy plain she was currently standing on. Out in the distance, she could see a line of trees, marking the boundary of a forest, and to one side, there was what appeared to be a mountain range. On her other side the grass continued until it met up with the horizon, where the sun was currently setting. Turning around, she was met with a beautiful sight, at least to her.

Standing right there was an amber pony, with long graceful wings and a long, sharp horn, while her mane and tail were flowing ribbons of the deepest black. The filly could feel the power radiating from this pony as if it were a physical force. They stared at each other for a long time before she worked up the courage to speak.

“Who are you, if you don’t mind my asking?” Always be polite, she thought.

“Why child, I am your mother, Sol. A better question to ask is, who are you?” She said, leaning down with a smile.

“I don’t know.” The filly answered truthfully.

“Well, how about Celestia?”

After a bit of thought, Celestia nodded and accepted the name her mother gave her. Then a thought struck her.

“If you’re my mother, then who’s my father?”

“Why, that would probably be me.” Said a voice behind her. Whipping around, Celestia saw what she could only classify as a monstrosity. It looked like a combination of all sorts of animals, though she didn’t know any of the specific ones.

“Discord! What are you doing back here?” Sol demanded. Celestia was very confused as to what was going on, and decided to remain quiet.

“Why, my dear Sol, I came back to apologize. After you so gracefully beat me, I went to another part of this planet you created to nurse my wounds, so to speak. Needless to say, I had plenty of time to reflect on what I did, and I feel just awful about it.” The whole time he said this, he was busy inspecting one of his own hands, which seemed odd to Celestia.

“Well, you’re not welcome here. You have caused enough trouble already, so why don’t you just go off and create your own planet?”

“Becomes it’s too much fun messing with yours” His voice had taken on an angrier quality, and what to Celestia sounded like a hint of madness. “and I shall continue to do so if you don’t cooperate with me.”

“Forget it. I can’t cooperate with a being who can’t appreciate the finer qualities of this world.”

“I think you have it backwards, my dear. It is you who cannot appreciate the beauty found in chaos.” Celestia noticed a certain mad gleam in Discord’s eyes.

“There is no beauty in chaos, Discord, only pain and sadness. Now I suggest you leave, before I make you leave. I can tell your power is still low; you would be no match for me right now.” Her horn started to glow ominously.

“Oh, I’m going to leave. I’m much too busy to stay and chat anyway. But be warned, Sol, I will be back. And I won’t be alone.” He laughed crazily when he finished. Then he snapped his talons and disappeared.

Silence found its way into the air, and Celestia wasn’t sure how to break it. Finally, with a little shuffling of hooves, she worked up the courage to ask her mother something.

“Was that thing really my dad?” She asked.

“No, my child, he wasn’t. He is too evil to enjoy another being such as yourself. Now, let’s explore your new home.” She said the last part with a smile aimed at Celestia.

Celestia smile right back, and hopped after her mother.

________________________________________

“…and so I spent the next few years exploring the world my mother had created. And by a few years, I mean the next few hundred.” She finished, with a faint smile.

The both just sat in silence for a time, as Twilight took the moment to absorb this new wealth of information. Here she was, next to the oldest living being in Equestria, and she was being told all the secrets of the creation. She got excited just thinking about it!

“Twilight, I think we should take a break for lunch, what do you say?” Celestia asked Twilight. As if in answer, both their stomachs growled loudly. Celestia just smiled. “I take it that’s a yes?” They then shared a laugh as the exited the library.
It was just as beautiful outside as it had been that morning. Ponies were out everywhere, playing, running about business, or just simply enjoying the weather. Everyone was happy and peaceful, just as they should be. Then, darker thoughts began to assault her mind, and the horror of them began to show on her face.

Twilight looked up at her mentor, a look of concern on her face. “Celestia, are you alright? You look troubled.” Celestia stopped walking, realizing that she had allowed a look of horror to briefly cross her face, and hastened to correct this.
“Everything is fine, my little pony. I was just… reminiscing.” Twilight still looked unsure, but she dropped any argument. She knew that if Celestia wanted to talk about it, she would have done so.

They again started their walk for Sugarcube Corner, though the silence was more pronounced. If not for all the ponies around them chatting away, Celestia might have thought she’d gone deaf. Attempting to bring an end to the awkward silence, Celestia moved on to more positive subjects. “So how are your studies coming along? I’d like to know what my faithful student deems necessary for research, you know.”

Twilight visibly brightened at the mention of her studies, and launched into a long tirade on how she was studying griffon history, while at the same time continuing her research on the wide range of beast in the Everfree forest and how she had gotten Zecora to help her, seeing as she lived in the forest itself. By now they had both reached Sugarcube Corner, where Twilight ordered a cupcake, while Celestia had a few donuts.

“Sounds like you have been busy. I hope you are not overworking yourself.”

“Well, maybe a little.” Twilight said sheepishly.

Celestia just shook her head and smiled. “I wouldn’t have it any other way.”

They sat at their table and began to quietly eat their food, both just enjoying the day. Suddenly, Celestia had an idea that brought a smile to her face. “Hey, Twilight?”

“Yes Celestia?” Twilight responded

“How would you like to go for a little flight?” Celestia asked mischievously.

Twilight looked puzzled. “How am I going to go for a flight?”

“Why, you’re going to climb on my back, of course.”

Twilight stared at the princess in shock, before slowly smiling. She used to go for rides on the princesses back all the time when she was but a little filly. She missed those days.

Walking quitely over to the princess, who had lain down just so Twilight could get on, she climbed aboard the Princess' back. The Princess, to the astonishment of a few local ponies, took off at a speed the Rainbow Dash would envy, and flew around the outside of town, lazily doing her best to let Twilight have a good time. At one point during the flight, The princess' horn glowed, and she cast the cloud-walking spell on her student before alighting on one of the larger clouds.
Once they had both sat down, and Twilight took time to catch her breath, they began to talk some more about Celestia's past. Deciding that she shouldn't keep her student waiting any longer, she began to tell her about the creation of Luna.

"Well, after about, I'd say, a thousand years, I began to become lonely and wished for interaction amond someone just like me. Well, I went to my mother and told her my problem. She immediately knew what to do, and so she told me to give her awhile. And so I waited...

Comments

[King Trollestia]

First!

[Bronymaster]

447072
Sadly, that looks like it was an easy task. I do hope you enjoy the chapter, though

[King Trollestia]

447078
Pity too, it's shaping up to be rather interesting.
I'd almost forgot about it because of the long ass hiatus though.

[Bronymaster]

447145
Yeah, but I explained my reasons. Surely that was good reasoning?

[King Trollestia]

447148
It was definitely good reasoning, because I'm a sucker for really long stories that I can't read in one sitting.
But it was still quite some time.

[Bronymaster]

447186
I suppose you do have a point. But at least I'm back to the story now!

[n]

Sugarcube Corner

It's bothering me. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

[Bronymaster]

455806
It bothers you? Would you mind explaining how it bothers you?

[n]

455824

Proper noun not properly capitalized.

[Bronymaster]

455828
Easily bothered are we? Well, I'll fix it, don't worry

[Bronymaster]

476703

[ponyhailey]

Now we get to hear Luna's story

[Bronymaster]

480548
Yes, you do.

[abandoned2123]

Why hullo hullo! You were expecting me, yes? Yes, yes you were. Well, I’m here to read your fic and give you a full-fledged critique as I read so that you get my initial reaction as well as my thoughts and suggestions towards your writing.

With that said, let’s get started with what I’m seeing in your presentation. No matter how good your writing is, you need a good first impression to garner an audience. Something needs to catch their attention and get them to read your work above any other. Because of this rule of a needed ‘hook’, I would recommend that you flesh out the description a lot more than just two sentences. With what you have now, people might just skim your work by.

Now, let’s look at the meat of your story from beginning to end.

Prologue
The very first section could be a lot more descriptive with the location. Exposition with what her day’s plans are is good, but try and sprinkle in some imagery to slow down your pacing and establish a proper mood and atmosphere for what’s to come. It doesn’t have to be obvious, but describing even certain objects in a room can lead foreshadowing later on. You focused more on her introspective thoughts, which was a good move, but I’d suggest that you try and go further with that.

Moving onto the next section, you’ve done a brilliant job with Twilight’s characterization so far. Every one of her lines seems almost as if it were lifted from the show, and I can read them in Tara’s voice quite easily. While the other characters were also done well, I have to say that the only one that feels ‘off’ is Spike.

Going by the show, Spike never really elaborates on much that’s on his mind; nor does he really take the time to describe things around him in a wordy fashion like he is here. Think of him as like an adolescent boy when you write his dialogue, and that should help improve the robotic tone that he carries now.

Keep in mind that having the entire cast in one scene is very, very difficult. If anything I discourage cramming all the characters into one scene as any writer can risk both confusion and look as if they’re rushing. There are some points here where the order of dialogue is a bit confusing for the amount of characters that you have, and it could benefit greatly if you take a little bit of time to use descriptions and the like. To give an example, I had no idea that Fluttershy had spoken until she repeated herself in the next line.

Celestia’s entrance only presents an even bigger problem. Now you have eight characters in your scene to juggle. At least I assume that there’s eight instead of seven, as Rainbow hasn’t been written in with any dialogue despite being described as being there.

Then we move onto the party, which could have been a perfect opportunity to set the brakes down and let the characters breath. Things like parties can really help you keep a handle on such large groups of characters, and it enables you to move around the room and focus on a few ponies at a time while keeping a believable atmosphere. Simply describing what happens is good too, but I feel like you have so much more that you could do with it.

Still, I understand that the focus on Celestia and Twilight is prominent, but if that’s the case, then why have Pinkie and the rest come in first place other than to give a cameo? If it’s to establish a setting, then the five of them need to be given some more space and wiggle room to make their presence more prominent in the narrative.

As for the conversation between Twi and Tia, I only have one comment there. Why is Celestia so lenient on telling her student about the creation of the universe? Pupil or not, if I was her I’d at least think of the consequences that would go into letting loose with such information. You could argue that their mother-daughter relationship is playing a role here, but even that wouldn’t be enough for her to just blindly accept her student’s request. You have an opportunity for an inner conflict here, and I would recommend delving into it a bit more.

At the end of this chapter though, I’ve been successfully hooked, which is your ultimate goal for a prologue chapter. With this, my main concern is that you’re moving too quickly, but that just might be my own bias for wordiness seeping through.

A Time of Creation
Love the beginning here, but don’t feel too reluctant to try and play with the situation that you’ve given yourself. Here you have a Goddess creating certain aspects of the universe, from that alone you have tons of opportunity to test out your sensory skills. What does the environment look like? Smell like? Feel like? Things like that.

I like the direction in which you took the dialogue for Discord, making him sound completely logical and understanding, if a bit lazy. It’s a good choice, and it fits the mood of the piece quite well. Even after Celestia’s explanation though, his position as Sol’s lover seems slightly out of place. The conflict that arises between them only makes me slightly more puzzled, and a bit in want for some more character interaction prior to the fight in of itself. Focusing on the world-building is good, but you need strong characters to back up your setting.

This chapter is much better than the previous, though I think that you could really benefit by exploring Sol and Discord some more, that way the audience will have more time to get connected with them on an emotional level.

The First Sister
Major Online Fiction Rule #1: Never put an Author’s note in your story. Ever. If you’re wanting to comment on your work or explain any shortcomings, then do so in the comments section or at the very least, your description. The note ruins the flow of your narrative, and it might give readers the impression that you’re being egotistical (not saying that you were, but they don’t know that).

Anywho, your writing has visibly improved here. So much so that I would recommend you to re-write your prologue in order to keep it all consistent. There really isn’t much for me to say here apart from what I’ve mentioned before.

Overall, I really do like the surreal tone that you’ve adopted for this piece. It’s an interesting romp, though with a few tweaks, I have no doubt that it’ll rise even higher. Nice work c:

[Bronymaster]

872211
Just one thing: The reason that last chapter is so much better is because...I wrote it about 3 months after taking a hiatus from the story. After I had started learning all that is needed to know about fanfiction and had already become the top editor in the Proofreaders group. That was about 2 months ago.

I'm surprised the review went so well, considering how long ago I wrote this. I figured it would be picked apart like the god-awful piece of fiction is is!

[abandoned2123]

873045
It's not God-awful! If anything I think it just illustrates your own growth as a writer with the gradual improvement here and there in the narrative. You should totally re-write it with all your new-found skills!

[Bronymaster]

873076
I suppose I shall have to. I love the plot too much to let the story go, anyway. Going to have to probably change the entire way this opens up now, though. Take things slower. Much much slower.