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Dragons did not want. They did not fight. They did not feel greed.
There was one who wanted. There was one who fought. There was one who felt the Greed.
His name was Sin the Black. He wanted more, and he nearly destroyed it all.
Now with an amazing audiobook by Illya Leonov!
Entry for the World-Building Alliance's May Writing Prompt.
Prompt: A race facing the end of their kind.
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Well... I... Wow. You, my fellow author, deserve a full review.
I'll start with what I liked; your storytelling is phenomenal. Simply and utterly amazing. You painted pictures with key words and short sentences that kept me grounded. Even, better, you captured the very essence of your OC. Sin was a JOY to read about, because of his history. I could practically see his elders giving him cautious stares as he grew. But I think the best that Sin had to offer were his flaws. It was something readers could empathize with--even relate to. You did a wonderful job in that respect.
Now, here's my problem with it.
While your storytelling is superb, you seem to have a 'purple prose' problem. The later half of your story was chunky and a bit jarring. And I found myself fighting to stay grounded. Don't get me wrong though; I very much enjoyed the 'Heroic Age'-esque brawl. But, God dammit, I couldn't focus on it. Your sentence structure was fine, but your choice of words were unnecessary. And I can say these things because 'purple prose' was the bastard whispering sweet nothings in my ear for the longest time. In my opinion, the whole of your story would be a masterpiece beyond reproach if the climax was kept simple and straightforward. Like the beginning.
On a final note, let me just say that the ending was--... my God. Foreshadowing, my friend. Epic. Foreshadowing. Your potential is refreshing. Keep writing.
Craine...
2594739 Thank you so, so much for your review! Much better than a simple "well done" or "this is terrible".
I can see what you mean about the overly flowery description, I suppose I got caught up in doing an epic fight scene that I got carried away
Thank you again, my fellow author
2594762
Always happy to help. Especially with pieces like this. I'm looking forward to more of your work.
I'll tell you what this needs. The only creature more overpowered than Sin The Black: Sin The Beige, guardian of the stick.
This was radical, really. It read like the intro to an epic tale, and felt very weighty in terms of both events and prose.
Sin was great. With his being born of magic, it was like reading about an evil Spike, or what Spike would be like if he was not raised by ponies. Hmm...
That is a spectacular name, I love it.
You may want to fix that little bit of redundant phrasing, tentatively.
Good luck with the contest!
2611863 Thanks! I wanted to make this feel like a piece of lost history that serves as a prologue to an overarching story... now I just have to come up with one!
A very well-woven tale, I look forward to seeing how it does in the May contest. And how mine does against you
......0_0..... shit that was wow I got no words to describe but can you beta for me man please
2714031 Sorry, I'm a noob. Does beta mean pre-reader?
2716711 yes yes it dose and how in bloody hell are a noob with a fic with that level of quality
2716720 Uh... Not sure really
Anyway, I'm not sure how much help I'll be, but feel free to message me with any details and I'll have a look, I suppose.
Nice!
This was interesting, but also rather... bland? I mean, a lot of the world-building and history is really cool, but it reads more like a history book. A really cool history book, granted, but a history book nonetheless. So I'm not really sure how I feel about this.
Nicely done, though. Would love to read a proper story on this as opposed to a short entry into a history book. This would actually serve as a cool prologue to some grand story about dragons.
3640640
Haven't had a fave or comment on this story in a long time. Thank you!
As for the prequel thing, that was going to be the intention, but I got sidetracked. Maybe someday soon I'll nail a good follow up to this.
3640708
Awesome!
'Grats on making it into the Reviews Round 33!
3671792
Thank ya!
Pear, this is phenomenal.
3750919
Oh! Glad you liked it so much! Cheers, Commie.
I think spike is this other fragment, amazing story man!
………Masterpiece.
Pearple Prose, this is the first of your stories that I have read. However, I wish I has read it sooner. Have a nice fave and follow.
This is one cool, atmospheric piece of world-building. The voice in my head carried your words with the same strong reverence as the pre-title narrators who speak at the beginning of blockbuster fantasy movies, like The Mummy or Green Lantern.
There were a few bits were a tad confusing, such as how Sin murdered the gold Dragon King, what was happening to Sin's soul while the creators were tearing it apart, and how it affected the rest of the race.
But I love how you incorporated canon elements (the fire ruby and the Windigoes) into this mythology. Good read, overall.
Hey, I wrote a review of this story. In case you are interested, it can be found here.
Overall, I found it quite good, even if some parts didn't quite sit well with me. Still, I love this concept for dragons, as well as the overall tone of the story.
5679140
Ohey, that's cool. Cheers for the review :)
Punishing an entire race for the actions of an individual? They're gods, all right.
How the hell is this a lesser known story of yours. It bloody well shouldnt be.
Do not take offense as i mean it as a compliment but it reminds me of the narration at the beginning of the original conan. Same flavor.
Hell if you had used the word cyclopian 8 or 9 times id compare this to h.p. lovecraft or robert e howard. Same feel to the prose.
Very pulp style world building.
Basically i loved it.
Dang, this went to all kinds of places I wasn't expecting. :D
It took me a long time to discover this story—and by "discover," I of course mean "read about it in PP's blog"—but I'm glad I finally did. An epic legend with deeply intriguing ramifications for the world and a few beings in it. Especially another dragon who was born from egg and magic. Thank you for this.
A lovely wee dark, evocative bit of lore, this. Nae bad.
Nice, this was a very good read. Thank you.