The Mixed-Up Life of Brad
by D. G. D. Davidson
VI. I May Be Brad, but I Smell Good
Princess Cadance and her entourage traveled in a private train car. The copper roof shone like a forest fire in the noonday sun, and the walls were made of intertwining strands of particolored, translucent crystal. The inside of the car dazzled Brad’s eyes like a kaleidoscope pointed at a spotlight. It was also stiflingly hot.
At one end of the car, surrounded by guards and attendants, Cadance sat on a throne that had been carved from a block of rose quartz and engraved with an intricate pattern of intertwining vines and hearts, which were inlaid with beaten copper. She leaned her cheek on one hoof as three crystal ponies, their bodies glistening like the car’s walls, wove jewels into her mane. She had earlier kicked off her bell boots, and they now stood in a little pile near her hind hooves and clinked in time with the clacking of the train’s wheels.
Brad sat on a velvet cushion at the car’s opposite end. Two guards, solid and still as statues, flanked him. He leaned forward, rested his elbows on his knees, rested his chin on his hands, and stared at Cadance.
“You might as well make yourself comfortable, Brad,” Cadance said. “It’s a long ride to Canterlot. Ask for anything you please, and the crystal ponies will provide it.”
“Where’s Twilight?” he said.
“Traveling with her family.”
“Aren’t you her family?”
“With her immediate family—her mother, father, and brother. You’ll meet them soon, I’m sure. Shining Armor, at least, must accompany me to the Council. It’s expected.”
“Because he’s the prince, I assume.”
“Yes. ‘Prince consort’ is his full title, but we don’t use it much. Personally, I think it sounds degrading. That’s the same title you’re fishing for, by the way, in case you didn’t know.”
Brad leaned back, crossed his arms, and stared at one of the walls. The landscape outside was dark, hazy, and ghostly through the crystal.
“Why didn’t you build some windows into this thing?”
Cadance laughed and flicked a hoof toward the wall. The strands of crystal, slithering like snakes, spread outward from the spot to which she’d pointed and formed a porthole about a foot in diameter. The sound of the train’s clattering wheels grew louder, and a breeze blew in, tousling Brad’s hair and refreshing the suffocating atmosphere.
“The crystal ponies do not build as others do,” Cadance said. “Their tools, their buildings, and even this train car, are grown. Like their bodies, the crystals of their structures are alive.”
Brad flicked his hand toward the wall in imitation of Cadance’s gesture, but the wall didn’t respond.
“Twilight wanted you to have something,” Cadance said. “I hesitated to have it prepared, but in the end she convinced me.” She pointed to one of the guards, who produced a wrapped box and, holding it gently in his teeth, lowered it to Brad’s lap. Brad ripped off the wrapping and opened the box to find, nestled in a bed of tissue paper, a bulbous blue glass vial topped with an old-fashioned atomizer.
“It’s perfume,” said Cadance. “Acacia, periwinkle, and arborvitae blended with musk.”
“I’d rather you called it cologne. Sounds more manly.”
“As you wish. Do you know what it signifies?”
“Yes.”
“Wear it to the Council. It may help our case.” Cadance tipped her head back and closed her eyes as one of her groomers threaded plaits of her hair through a string of diamonds. “The language of scent is complex, and Twilight tells me you might not have a nose adequate to master it. I understand you have no vomeronasal organ?”
“I don’t know what that is.”
“A pity that so much of the world is closed to you. The symbols of scents, unlike the symbols of words, are non-arbitrary. Words are meaningless until we learn them: the elegant language of High Ponese is mere babble to a barbarian, and her rough tongue is likewise babble to a pony. But odors are inherently evocative; they carry meanings we can grasp regardless of whether we have studied them, and they can bring to our minds memories unbidden. Even the plants and animals without speech can speak by means of scent: flowers and pheromones, Brad, communicate with a language anypony can understand.”
Brad set the box down, snorted as loud and long as he could, and then leaned forward on his knees again. “To me, Princess Cadance, you just smell like a horse.”
“Not just any horse, Brad, but the princess of love. In fact, there’s a company that distills my pheromones out of my urine and sells them as perfume. They do a brisk business.”
“That’s disgusting.”
“As you wish. If we’re really being so candid with each other, you might like to know that your own odor is not terribly pleasant.”
“I know. That’s why I try to cover it up.”
“Curious, is it not, to mask your natural smell?”
“You do it too, apparently.”
“I certainly don’t. Some mares do, but only because their odor is sometimes inconvenient, not because it is repellent. But seasonal odor masks are an exception: the true purpose of a pony’s perfume is to augment her scent, not hide it.” She pointed to the box at his feet. “I assume Twilight told you her emblem is friendship?”
“I think she mentioned it.”
“But there is more than that bound up in the three parts of her signature. Arborvitae is often planted as a hedge, and it can live for many years. It evokes protectiveness and strength, just as the pegasus ponies, by their strength, have often served as Equestria’s protectors. The periwinkle represents memory, eternity, and life; it is reminiscent of the magical power of the unicorns and suggests that Twilight wishes to remember what she was before she ascended. Acacia stands for purity of heart and length of life—and a pure, strong heart is the gift of the earth ponies. All three represent friendship, and together they tell the story of how Twilight came through friendship to combine all three types of pony into her one body.”
“And that’s what you call an alicorn, right? Three in one?”
“That’s right.”
“So if you take these three flowers or whatever, and you add musk in, what exactly does that say?”
Cadance gave Brad a warm smile. “Musk is a masculine scent. By wearing Twilight’s signature with musk, you claim to be her counterpart. If you wear it to the Council, it will send the message that she did not coerce you, but you followed her to Equestria of your own free will.”
Brad bent down, took the bottle out of the box, pointed it at himself, closed his eyes, and squeezed the atomizer’s bulb several times. A heady, complex fragrance settled around him.
When he opened his eyes, he saw Cadance and the crystal ponies wrinkle their noses and pull their lips back from their teeth. Cadance lifted her muzzle with an expression of concentration and pleasure—a look Brad had once before seen on the face of a connoisseur sampling wines—and after a moment she gave a curt nod of approval.
“An excellent mixture,” she said. “I was afraid the aromatic acacia would not blend well with the equally aromatic musk, and that the result would be too heavy. But the Crystal Empire’s perfumers are the best in Equestria, and they have proven it again today. So, Brad, what do you think of this, your new signature, the scent by which everypony who meets you will remember you?”
Brad squirted a little more of the perfume into his palm, slapped it onto his cheeks, and said, “Might make a good aftershave.” Then he leaned back in his chair, closed his eyes, let the breeze caress his face, listened to the steady beat of the train’s wheels against the track, and pretended to sleep.
Never stop the Brad title puns.
2673882 I agree! lol
HAHA! It would seem that you take so much joy into making updates in a subtle way, like making puns with the chapter names and changing the cover picture from time to time. I practically lolled with the "Titanic" caption, well done.
As disturbing that sounds, I'm not that surprised. We done similar things when we grab beavers to produce some lovely chemicals mixed with their urine to have "natural flavoring" that can taste like vanilla, strawberry, and raspberry in your foods. So... the next time you order some strawberry ice cream, know that a beaver was involved to help make that 'natural' strawberry flavor with their piss!
A great way to scar your kids the next time you get them them ice creams... that's for sure
Thanks for the fast and short update. : D
(Source: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Vomeronasal_organ )
Huh. The more you know.
The language of the scent doesn't seem to be that different from another foreign language at first, but having a language that is understood through a separate sense would allow that language to be used simultaneously with other modes of communication. I get the feeling that a lot of the meaningful messages conveyed through this language would come from implications generated by comparing the literal meaning of the scent and the status of the person wearing that scent. (I'm just assuming the literal meaning of the scent is static and universal to everyone that has the VNO, just like Chomsky postulated universal grammar as a trait of the human brain.)
It would be interesting to know what kind of sensation a person would feel while communicating in three different modes at once: verbal, visual and olfactory. The only instance of similar triple channel communication I came across was from Children of Dune, and even then two modes(speech and facial expressions) were just charades to hide the real conversation that's going on in secret hand signs.
On an unrelated note, I wonder what would happen(or what would have already happened in this fic) if Twi were to be dropped in non-US countries like France, South Korea or Tanzania, where the official language is not English and speaking in English makes you stand out in the middle of a crowd of high school kids like you're stark naked. Would the mirror automatically rewire Twi's brain so she will speak the appropriate language based on her drop off location, as in French, Korean or Swahili, going through the trouble of transmuting half of her vocabulary into appropriate horse puns? Would the mirror do the reverse to French Brad, Korean Brad and Tanzanian Brad as well? Or, is Equuish accepted as the super-universal language used by every sentient species on the same planet as Equestria so the mirror didn't have much trouble in terms of translations?
(This is my way of saying that the premise of EqG seems overly convenient to a bilingual like me.)
Aside from the "Natural Perfume" part, this chapter's pretty good.
Damn. I was looking forward to Shining Armor chewing into this Brad guy (Is that seriously his name? Was that ever revealed?) and suddenly wrinkle his nose and ask if his sister is in a lesbian relationship.
Brad needs to stand up for humanity a bit. The ponies keep talking to him as if he's blind for not having advanced olfactory senses, but they don't realize that we never needed it. We are predators, sight-based ones. We evolved our eyes in place of our noses. The human body is a dictionary of body language. In fact, I'd be willing to bet that it one of the ponies, or even a changeling, transformed into a human and tried to mimic Brad's facial features, it'd be hilariously stupid looking. It'd be like me trying sign language by imitating a deaf person. Human micro expressions are amazing things.
I'm loving the scent details, it's a really interesting piece of world building.
2674535
Be fair to Brad, he's a 16 year old kid who's just starting to realize how deep the pool he jumped into feet first really is. Can't expect him to sit there and detail out the comparative advantages of his body-type and senses.
Humans almost certainly have better eyesight, and we likely make for much better swimmers. However, physical prowess was never our forte as a species, but rather our adaptability and ingenuity. In this, Brad has some natural advantages he might not be aware of. Unlike a lot of ponies, he has the in-born capacity to eventually fully adjust to his situation, much like a child raised by wolves eventually becomes part of the pack.
He's also probably more inclined towards thinking in terms of complex tool-use for problem solving, although whether that'll ever show having been shoved into a culture that doesn't at his early age... we'll have to wait and see. He may become an inventor or mechanical engineer that begins a technological renaissance for Equestria... or he may just become a trophy husband. That's up to the character's inclinations and, right now, those are too early to fully determine.
2674819
I'm also having a sort of hard time nailing him down. Is he a good guy, or not? Pure, or selfish? Remember the authors last story involving Brad...
2674829
I don't see why he has to be just one or the other. A good, 3-dimensional character has elements of all of those. Like real people do. Like the ponies themselves do. A character is made most relatable by his flaws rather than his strengths.
He's very obviously not the same Brad as in that other story. That Brad would never have done something so idealistic as to leave everything he knows for the sake of love. But he's also under a lot of stress right now. He gave up everything for the sake of Twilight and now he's finding out he may not even get to be with her? I think he's entitled to be a little ornery.
2674535
But that´s the point: equestrian ponies, unlike real horses, have also facial expressions (plus the ears movements) and frontal, colored vision. Humans seem a lot of outclassed in comparation with the four-legged elves.
2674857
When magic gets involved it does tend to break the rules. Based on body structure (eye position, their extremely flexible forelegs) and diet I think Equestrian ponies are just as omnivorous as humans are.
2674535>>2674819>>2674857
While true that these ponies have a great deal of enhanced senses compared to humans, but even their greatest strength can become their greatest weakness, one notable thing is their nose. Imagine the worst possible smell that we can think with that would be bad for our noses, for a pony it'll be over a thousand times worse as their noses are that much sensitive to every particle of the scent. In addition, their snouts can be quite sensitive to any impact as it is quite tender, so it won't be a pleasant experience if someone were to deliver a well-aimed punch to where it is quite sensitive and tender.
Point is, for every advantages there has to be a drawback, as how having disadvantage can be your greatest strength. So therefore, Brad would have much advantages and drawbacks like any other creatures, except for Crystal Ponies, can't think of a negative thing about them that can be their undoing. Unless you take into account of this webcomic
2675290
Very true. Our weakness would be our dependence on sight. Blind us, even temporarily, and we're all but helpless. None of our other senses are acute enough to help in a fight, except MAYBE hearing, but even that is iffy.
2675290
Actually Crystal Ponies may be vulnerable to resonance:
.
At the very least, the way the crystal of their bodies trasmits sound can be a nightmare for their hear sense.
P.E: Human thinking: We are already figuring ways to beat and conquer them, simply because they offend our sense of superiority.
2674819
Another thing humans have over horses (and some other animals) is endurance. There are tribes that hunt by wearing out their prey, and a horse running flat-out will keel over way before a human running flat-out will.
We have better hand-eye coordination than most of the animal kingdom, but I'm guessing that Equestrian ponies would rival us there.
I must admit, this is THE first HIE fic i have read that added so much story with the oh so simple subject of smell, i applaude thee!
By the way how will the magical environment change Brad? Can't dump an alien creature in an unique environment and not have anything happen to him. Well besides being sensitive to it, but that just seems to be his body adapting to the world.
2674446
You mean, aside from the entire chapter?
2674449
"Brad" is the fan-given name for the blue-haired dude in the EG trailer. IMDB has his name as Flash Sentry, which sounds like a bad stallion OC, and I'll assume that's correct until proven otherwise. This story, of course, is based on fan speculation rather than the real EG; if I wanted to write about the real EG, I would have waited until it came out.
2674064, 2674535, 2675290
I came up with the olfactory language idea while writing "Human Shining Armor." In that story, I was obliged to write a description of a pony turning human, but wanted to stay away from the usual "I have hands!" thing and focus instead on subtler changes; I had read a blurb recently on horses and flehmen responses, so I ran with that. I'm also in the middle of John C. Wright's novel The Hermetic Millennia, and among its other trippy contents is a genetically modified posthuman Nymph who can pass secret messages in a flower language by generating blossoms out of her biotechnological mantle. I combined the two and away I went. The "message" of Twlight Sparkle's perfume is pulled off websites on flower symbolism.
2675459
If we're talking about the comparative advantages of humans then the big ones would be ranged weaponry and perseverance.
Humans are built to comprehend how things arc through the air more effectively than pretty much any other animal, and we are pretty much the best of everything at throwing things at other things.
Humans are also built to do tedious boring things that grant no immediate reward (or possibly give no reward at all) for incredibly large amounts of time and not really ever stop. I mean, there are guys who spend hundreds or thousands or tens of thousands of hours making sculptures out of toothpicks or climbing mountains or digging elaborate tunnels under their home with their motivations basically being 'I thought it was neat'. That is not really a common thing, I would think.
2677383 Hmm, quite the interesting tidbit, one way to be creative.
Deej, this is so f***ing good. It actually gave me a good dream after I read it last night. I hate/love it when you reduce me to slack-jawed stammering like this.
2713290
Well, I'm not sure what the significance is of it being the seventh chapter. That's a novel I admit I don't care to invoke, but I'll keep that title in reserve in case I run out of puns.
2714584
Thank you. I should probably put a note somewhere that this is purely off the first trailer and subsequent fan speculation, and not off any additional Equestria Girls material.
2712953
Please tell me you had the dream about Brad rubbing your ears.
This does look like a good fic, however the premise did amuse me at first. Before the actual movie came out, just after the release of the trailer, fans have already made their own character names and plot lines.
2714297
Would "The Seventh Sun" work?
This is very impressive. You were able to build a detailed and intricate political landscape within the bounds of canon without having to resort to any stale, pure-exposition anecdotes. Everything is wholly believable—the Cosmic Council, the various empires/territories/etc., and especially the emphasis on odor. Pheromones are fascinating, and your integration of the concept with the underlying plot is just fantastic.
Keep up the good work! And the puns as well. Clever puns are always clever.
Alright, so this kicks all kinds of arse. I mean, it's still kinda kooky that they're doing the 'let's make our biggest decisions while we're young' tango (especially on Brad's part) which makes me suspect things are going to end up being awful for everyone.
Also, Born to be Brad, from Brad to Worse, and Snakes and Bradders.
Sorry. You made it look too fun.
Oh, Brad. You so crazy.
2726450
Add "Brad" to the title (like "The Seventh Sun of Brad") and we're set.
2726352
Thanks for giving the story a shot even though it's not to your taste.
2726965
I'll have to use some of those.
I like the idea you explore of scent being so important to ponies as a communication tool. I have a feeling Celestia's power isn't really the thing that effects Brad, or at least not her power by itself, but Celestia's connection to Twilight as a second mother figure. Celestia looks at Brad and even if she doesn't mean to judges him, dissects his every behavior and word because she wants to protect Twilight from a potential threat. Cadance as the princess of love is much more accepting but I have a feeling Shining Armor, Night Light and Twilight Velvet will effect Brad similarly to Celestia, their magic projecting an aura that unnerves Brad. I am interested in seeing how this ends up, though I can see only two options, Brad going home or becoming a pony.
When I came across this story I thought it would just be a goofy farce, especially when I read the premise. I figured I'd read it for a laugh but instead I was surprised to find a lot more substance. It's still goofy but I commend you for taking a silly idea and turning it into a clever story. Also, the addition of the olfactory angle was genius. Well done.
2728178
Thank you. The aim of most of my stories is to see how much mileage I can get out of silly premises.
2728019
Congrats on the EqD feature! I'm really impressed that you were able to get them to accept an HiE, let alone one about something as controversial as EqG.
I also love your chapter names, so I came up with some too!
Brad to the Bone
Our Daily Brad
Breaking Brad Together
By Brad Alone
Casting Brad Upon the Waters
Brad and Butter
Brad and Circuses
No Brad? Let them have cake.
Brad Moon Rising
Having a Brad Hair Day (I think this would be great for a Rarity chapter, lol)
A Brad Case of Lovin' You
A Brad Attitude
Brad Vibes
You've got it Brad
2728674
Ooh, looks like I can afford to write several more chapters!
2728833
Glad to be of service, here's a couple more:
Paying the Brad Price
The Princess' Brad
How about "I didn't choose the Brad life The Brad life chose me"
2728833
We still missed "The good, the Brad and the ugly".
Brad's girl Brad's girl what she gonna do....
Author, you is ruthless to Brad.
I like the whole scent stuff. on a side note humans stink because of bacteria waste, but our bodies are actually capitalizing on this to advertise what our immune systems are like (since each individual fight off certain bacteria). this is why our pits sweat more than necessary, we're feeding the bacteria there so we can give off our odor. so when we find someone with different immune system than our own their stench then is less offensive. the benefits are that we're less likely to transmit diseases with one another, and in the case of pairing the resulting child has better immunity than either parent.
Legally Brad
I wasnt sure at all if I should give this a chance but I am very happy I did. Well written and engaging characters.
I was tricked by the cover art, the story title, chapter names (and to a certain degree the fic description), that this was some sort of troll fic or something for silly lulz.
Imagine my surprise when it turns out to be well written, with characters and world building that are thought out and believable. Good work!
Although while I like the pun chapter names and the story title, I would suggest for future works to give some thought on how your works appear to the general public. I am sure I am not the only one that thought this fic was not worth their time based on all the little "lolz" cues one has learned to look after for avoiding bad stories.
Dont neglect the surface "shell" of the story. I have seen terribly written fics ontop of the feature box just because they used slick art, interesting story title, and a good synopsis.
Of course I will take the well written story, always, over the flashy but badly written story. However, if I cant find the story in the mounds of detritus that sweep in from the talentless void every day, I cant very well get a chance to read it.
And lets not forget that upvotes and favorites do wonders for an authors will to write.
2732008
Putting misleading titles, pictures, and synopses on my stories is my Fimfiction vice. Take a glance at the rest of my stories and you'll see what I mean. Nothing pleases me more than getting comments telling me the story is so much better than the reader expected.
Besides that, though most of my tales are somewhat grim, I'm out to have fun with this one.
2732539
While some people sell themselves, I liked being very pleasantly surprised by your fics. Your vice may cost you some viewers, but to those willing to judge beyond the cover, it's very rewarding.
Great story. I just started reading and I hope to read the next chapter soon. javascript:smilie('');