On one fateful day, Applejack is forced to haul a cart full of apples into Ponyville. Without Big Mac. During a rainstorm. Along with Applebloom. Things don't go as planned, and before the day is over some choise words will have been uttered, some rather embarassing and painful events will have occured, and somepony is going to get what's coming to them in the end.
Note, this is my first fanfic, I don't know wether it'll be good or not, but I just had to get something uploaded Before I lost my mind. Please keep criticism constructive and fair, otherwise I won't learn anything.
Proofread by these two awesome individuals.
Legion222 & Thatsgoodtoast
Rated teen just to be safe.
Chapters (4)
Did you say this was your first fanfic? Because it's pretty good. Surprisingly few grammar errors, and the ending was very well done.
Will there be more to this story? This seems like it could be a one-shot, but also possibly be extended with another chapter or two.
All in all, good job!
Write on,
Legion
Looks like Applejack is in for a heck of a day.
You sure this is your first fanfic?
Well color me interested. I am a sucker for these type of stories.
2658720
Yes, there will be more. It was originally made as one whole story, but I decided to make the individual segments into chapters so people wouldn't have to read through 12-14k words in one sitting. I hate having to read through that much myself, and I believe that to be true for a lot of people.
So yeah, look forward to more, some of the stuff coming up is a bit more raunchy than the first part of the story. Applejack's day has only just begun.
2659031
Yes, it's my first fanfic, why?
Well this won't end well. I think we all know what Apple Bloom is going to say very soon.
Oh, my.
This will not end well...
A few more errors than last time, and definitely more noticeable. You forgot to capitalize names a couple times near the beginning, for instance. I'm sure that I'm probably the only one bothered by it since I'm a bit of a Grammar Nazi, but it kind of distracts me from the story. That said, it's not as bad as a lot of other things I've seen, and most of it could probably be fixed if you looked through each chapter a second time before posting it, looking for errors.
Write on,
Legion
2662743
Could you maybe specify a bit? I'm not asking you to proofread or anything, but I'm quite bad at finding flaws in my own works, and it'd be helpful for me to know more precisely what's wrong.
Also, where have I forgotten to capitalize names? I know I must be sounding like a jerk right now but I can't seem to find any names near the beginning that aren't capitalized aside from maybe one.
Thanks for the feedback though, it's much appreciated.
Mr Whooves? The insane whovian part of my head (almost all of it) is screaming DOCTOR!!!!
2662789
Well, crap. Now I won't be able to stop thinking about this until I DO proofread the entire chapter... I know it (probably) wasn't intentional, but DARN YOU!
I'll get right on it.
On a related note, this will certainly be too long for a comment, and it may be too long for a PM, so your opinion on how you want to receive the corrections would be appreciated.
Write on,
Legion
P.S. I don't know about anyone else, but this story keeps showing up in my "updated and unread" folder, and no matter what I try I can't get it off. Any ideas?
2667562
I guarantee you, it wasn't my intention to have you proofread anything. But if you really want to do it I could send you the link to the g-doc and recieve the corrections on my gmail, or if you have an adress I can send you the Word document.
Also, let's take this disscussion via PM from here on, I think we'd both benefit from that.
2661767
I need a c**k to hammer that a**!
You receive five mustaches.
Fucking Cart!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
2800410
Thanks, spread the Word to all your friends.
:3 IT BEGINS
See what you've done, Applejack? XD DO YOU BEHOLD THE HORROR?
XD YOU HAVE NONE TO BLAME... but yourself. :D
Oh my god! I was laughing so hard. There does seem to to be a dark undertone to the comedy though. Just underneath the surface. What with Sassaflash and also Turner's marriage.
Oh Derpy, you and your muffins.
I really loved the weird-but-used-to-it dynamic of the family, like a ridiculous sitcom where everyone's on the verge of depression from knowing just how insane they are.
2952863
It's like every family in town, when shown how any other family functions, could honestly go "I'm sure glad I'm not part of that band of loonies!" in some sort of circle-jerking vortex of schadenfreude.
It's despairingly, hilariously awesome.
Oh god, this was great. How do you like dem muffins?
Kinda wished we saw a bit more progression though that's just me wanting to know stuff so ehh.
I laughed so hard, great! The whole piece with
the Doctor'sTime Turner's family was so funny!And it spreads like a bad cold...