It's just a normal school day in Ponyville, Diamond Tiara is the queen foal of evil. But, when her best friend and sidekick, Silver Spoon, goes a little too far with teasing Applebloom, it creates a whole other side of this pony. A bad side.
Warning: Might have a little pushing around, not to violent but I suggest no one under 10.
P.S. This is my 3rd story! Woo Hoo!
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That's an impressive story you have written.
So Alice Bones may come back.
Thank you!
and yes... possibly 
>>>>Dragondash
It's spelled "foal", not "foul."
Honestly? I liked the idea, but it feels somewhat rushed. The ending was far too quick and simplistic; Applebloom decides to be a "bad foal", trots through a couple of fairly minor conflicts, then is immediately yanked back to her old self just by a couple of words from Babs Seed? (How did they get her to come all the way from Manehattan on such short notice? That would need them to raise money for a train ticket and get permission from her parents, at least...)
The idea of Applebloom (or one of the other CMCs) finally snapping under Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon's constant bullying, and becoming bullies themselves in the process of getting back at them is a reasonable one (and one that could certainly have been explored a lot better than "One Bad Seed" did), but it needs a more in-depth exploration to really engage your reader. The rushed pace and short chapter lengths told me instantly that AB's supposed turn to the dark side wouldn't last longer than a few paragraphs, so the story was completely predictable and there was no real sense of drama, I'm afraid.
Again, the concept was good; you just should have explored it in a lot more detail. Even in a comedy, there needs to be something at stake for the characters and the reader. Slow your pacing, draw out the conflict so that the reader feels there are real stakes here and that there's a possibility AB might not come back from the dark side, and make her friends have to work at trying to pull her back.
Cute idea, but rushed in the execution.
The story would benefit from more Alice Bones, showing us how New Apple Bloom acts in a few situations where we would reasonably know how Old Apple Bloom acts. Think like "Putting Your Hoof Down", where it shows Fluttershy in several situations (tourist, mailman, taxi, the line at Sugarcube Corner, the bridge), as well as her getting into a fight with Pinkie and Rarity.
The bird bit is a good start, but give us a bit more. Does Alice still wear the bow? How does Alice's first interaction with DT and Spoon go? What do Scootaloo and Sweetie think of that? How does Alice interact with them? Show us at least one day with Alice, because right now, you spend ~2,400 words setting up the transformation into Alice, ~600 on the resolution, but only ~400 as Alice. Give us some Bad Bloom
The story also doesn't need the dark tag.
Instead of _______ to make scene breaks, you can use the horizontal rule tag. [hr] will result in a line like this:
There's also a decent number of grammatical and spelling errors. The bigger ones:
1. Scootaloo, not Scootalo.
2. Misspelled Apple Bloom in both descriptions. It is right in the story though.
3. In chapter one, there's a lot of tense issues in the last bit. Your story is written in past tense, but you slip into present tense at the end of the chapter.
4. Single word numbers should be written out as words. 'Five', not 5; 'twenty-five', not 25.
5. Conversation grammar needs a little work. You're doing this:
When you've got a period before the end quotation mark that is followed by a conversation attribution (he shouted, she said, etc.), the period gets replaced with a comma. The conversation attribution is also part of the same sentence, so does not get capitalized unless there's another reason to do so. So it should look like:
Ezn's guide has some good examples, both of what to do and what not to do.
Alice Bones? What, did Applebloom magically turn into a goth chick from the late 90s?
... Am I the only one confused as to what the hell just decided to flop out of Babs Seed's mouth and die of a heart attack due to hypertension?
Way too rushed. I kind of feel like this is a play on when Fluttershy got assertive, but like a cheaper, more low-budget version. No offense to the writer, it's just the premise is too alike to be an original idea, and it wasn't exactly executed all that well, just saying.
ya and its scootaloo not scootalo
2855538 ya realy wtf is up with that
ya need to spell stuff right
it was way to rushed and wtf is madfe???
and applebloom shoulda stayed bad for longer
Hi pot, my name's Kettle >>>>>>GiraffePony
Maybe get an editor?
2770539 That yes has to be a definite yes! The ending was a bit rushed, but it was still awesome!
are you talking to the reader here? If so, then why? Wouldn't it make more sense to say Granny can eat faster then most ponies?
I hadn't realized they were on a bus. It sounded more like a cafeteria setting since Scootaloo was eating lunch.
Probably should have mentioned they boarded a bus in the beginning.
that being said I laughed at Bloom and Silver's fight.
dropped to her knees?
1. what the f(yay)?
2. How did Diamond steal Rarity's glitter while she was riding the bus?
3. How does Rarity know DT stole the glitter (is it on her face or hooves)?
4. Diamond's eyes are sky blue (light blue) and Rarity's reading glasses (in the show) are red.
you could have described Diamond's eyes as cold and steely blue, but again it's not at all clear why she is the monster in this drama/ horror in Raity's mind.
I get that Diamond made Silver set up her chair but what do you mean by "but had the spirit of doing it all."?
are you saying that Diamond somehow took credit for setting up all the chairs?
2994591
why the hell would she poison her own dog with rotten fruit!? and yeah the sudden transformation, what the f(
)?
and it's INFUSED with evil. She would be (very suddenly) enthused to be evil.
ugh..
"There sat her baby blue hay bowl that Granny Smith gave to her when she was a newborn."
"Her baby blue hay bowl that Granny Smith gave to her when she was a newborn, sat on the top shelf."
"Her baby blue hay bowl sat on the top shelf. Granny Smith gave it to her when she was a newborn."
Pluck? what is that a sound effect for? and HAND or HOOF?
so "Alice" killed the Bluejay or stunned it?
Arms or forelegs?
wow you got Babs all the way from Manehatten in less then a da...
that's it I'm out.
Help I'm dying of laughter
wut
wuuuuuuuuuuuuuuut