After a failed attempt at an advanced spell from Starswirl the Bearded's lost tomes, Princess Twilight Sparkle brings a human to Equestria. This man goes by Sabre, and isn't always what he seems. From helping around town to even running through the Everfree Forest, this man brings a strange aura with him that was only seen in Equestria's past long ago.
Takes place one year after Season 3 ends, does not extend into Season 4.
This is my first story, so please go easy on me.
Rating may change later.
This story switches between journals and actual story, so if it says journal, you know what it is.
First Journal:
From what I can tell thus far, this is going to be one of those stories where you tell it in the "kid talking about his day at school" function, which guarantees a lack or complete absence of descriptions, bland characters, and rushed as all-hell story telling. Let's see how right I am.
Cool. What convention?
Uhh, what convention? It kind of makes it difficult to know what convention you're going to when I don't even know what it is.
How in the mother of hell are you able to bring a real weapon to a convention? And don't sit there and say "Oh they're hidden." I don't see blades being very useful on your legs so I'm going to assume (because you never describe anything other than your stupid Mary-Sue toys) that they're on your arms.
But since your sweatshirt sleeves are rolled up, they must be visible, as hiding them in a t-shirt would be equally impossible. So you're walking around a public venue with a real weapon that could potentially kill some one. In real life, you wouldn't be inside a hotel banquet hall or wherever your setting is (again, never describes it), you'd find yourself right in the back of a squad car.
Or as normal as it can be for an obvious Mary-Sue self insert.
Wow, we're only 150 words in and we're already starting the plot.
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It's not that you can only describe it like that, its that you can only be bothered to describe it like that. How are we supposed to know what falling through space is like? How are we supposed to know what this "Void" is? You need to describe your settings so we know where your character is, what he's feeling, why he's feeling it, and what others around him are feeling. You're doing a very poor job.
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Yes, I described myself as scared, therefore I am scared, right? RIGHT?
Yeah, no, Twilight would not even be bothered to introduce herself after an alien creature falls into her house. She would badger answers from it immediately or run out of her house screaming in terror. I mean, if you saw this in the woods...
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...would you introduce yourself to it, or would this be your reaction?
If you answered yes to screaming, then WRITE IT IN!!!
Yes, listen to how quote en quote "scared" this guy named... Sabre? His name is Sabre?
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So scared. I can tell this character is founded on the principles of logic, reason, sanity.
Didn't she just assume it was a spell? Are you even reading the words you write?
You seem to be taking this whole, "I'm on a new fucking world," thing really well, ain't ya?
Can't tell if he's angry or scared.
DESCRIBE!!!
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Why would she be angry with you? In fact why is she calling guards? Twilight would never ask for guards (where she even got those, I don't know) unless she felt as if her life was in danger. The Twilight that I and every other brony knows would discuss, or in this case, argue with the creature on her own, because like Tyrion from Game of Thrones, her mind is her greatest weapon.
Is Twilight so dumb in this world that she just calls guards to arrest him at the slightest hint of dissent. He's an alien creature pulled from his home, he should be feeling scared and angry, and Twilight would understand this, so why would she act like this?
Sure, a talking winged pegasus is okey-dokey, but take away the wings, now it's silly.
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The Surefire Way to Get Killed Anywhere
1. Threatening the life of an officer.
So she is in Ponyville? Why would there be guards in Ponyville? I know she's a princess and all, but then why isn't she in Canterlot? All these questions and more will be unanswered in the upcoming chapters.
Well, seeing as your reactions to everything you've seen thus far have been equivalent to that of a brain-dead chimp and that you just threatened an enforcer of the law with his life, you hit that nail right on the head.
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And how would you know this after being in this world for what I assume to be around five minutes?
And how did you know that they said this if you were running from them?
Too bad that your character is so dumb and bland that no one will care.
What? No. You named yourself Sabre WAY before you even saw a guard. Don't lie. You took the name to make your character sound cooler. Well, I have some unpleasant news for you. Sounding cool and BEING cool are two completely different things.
Judging from your ratings, I can safely say I am.
I wouldn't pat yourself on the back for 1,000 words. The story I'm currently working on requires that I put in 10,000 words in a week, which I can easily churn out in a day or two.
I can't wait to see, upon your reading this, how fast you're going to renege on those words. And let me tell you, I am a moderator for the Craptastic Stories group. While the rules state that it must take 10 dislikes for a story to get put in, I don't tolerate bad attitudes. I will gladly put your story in the group if you delete my comment. This I promise you.
Ciao.
What a rant
2688916 litarally the greatest rant I've ever heard in my life
2688916
Dude, did you not see that this is the first time I've EVER written a damn fanfic?
I suck at writing stories, ask my teachers.
2690299
I agree to this.
2690466 We all gotta' start somewhere.
2690511
Yep, even if mine is crap to start with. Oh well.
2688916 Mate, that is possibly the greatest thing I've read all day. Hats off to you.
It's saying something when the author of a story cancels a story, then comes back and puts a thumbs down on it.
Man, I got way better. This is a piece of crap that I need to fix some day.
Y'know, I come back and look at this every now and then.
... I sucked ass.