Twilight and her friends are having a lunch break and conversation turns to something a bit more personal. Causing Twilight to worry.
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- Member Since 28th Jul, 2012
- offline last seen 12 hours ago
Cheer
A writer. I try to write at least... Video games are REALLY distracting though...and work...and life...Eh. Well if you have time go ahead and give my stuff a chance ^~^ I'm a pretty nice person
Cheer
Joined 28th Jul, 2012 ·
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This was nice
Reminded me of when my friend dave came out and got socked In the face
A cute little story. And honestly, there's never enough Cheerilight in the world. You may want to go through it again and edit it, though. There's a few grammatical errors and that one big paragraph could stand to be broken in half.
2709448
I broke up the paragraph and fixed the italics on it too. also which grammatical errors do ya speak of? Me and proper grammar don't get along too well, so I probably won't notice them.
Also yes. The world needs more Cheerilight
I must say, this was actually pretty surprising. Not in the story progression sense, as most of these stories can only end in a few ways, especially if they are one shots, but I liked the way it was handled and the characters were written very much in character, which is always a plus in my book. However, there were some minor things I noticed that you may wanna go back and fix. (although writing it on a flip phone makes some things a little more excusable, imo)
This is more of a personal thing that I do, but whenever somepony says "Dash" instead of RD, I tend to capitalize the D regardless, just to let the reader know for sure you're referencing the character and not the action of dashing and whatnot.
This end of this sentence seems kinda unnecessary, in my opinion. Do we need to know that Pinkie, as childish as she is, is bouncing on a balloon? A new balloon, specifically?
You could easily change it to something like that IF you wanted to take out the balloon thing. But that's just me. That's how I would do it, but, obviously, I am not you, so it's up to you, my friend.
I've never given an in-depth grammar/spelling check before, so I am unsure if you'd want me to continue and look for any other errors and such just in case there were any you may have missed, or to help you make the fic that much better. I'd be more than happy to, but even I may make some mistakes.
Regardless, this was an enjoyable read, one that made me laugh out loud on more than one occasion. For a 2,000 word or so fic, that's an A in my book. Plus, who doesn't love Cheerilight!? Actually, that concept is pretty interesting. I could see you writing something like that after this one, as a separate but connected sequel perhaps? *Wink, wink, nudge, nudge*
This fic has given you another fan, a thumbs up, and a fave. Good day to you. Also, another thing: In one of my fics, I'm on a chapter with Rarity in it, and I'm having trouble writing her and think I'm making mistakes. (Note: That chapter isn't published yet, obviously) Plus, I'm unsure if my character interaction is any good in general. If you could, could you check it out on my page? "What We Haven't Had". Or, just any tips for writing Rarity at all would also suffice.
Anywhosit, thanks for the great story!
Love always and forever,
-Ghost
Well, since you asked so nicely, and it is a rather short story, I don't see why not.
Mare's. Forgot the apostrophe.
Stitches.
I don't usually harp on dangling participles unless they sound really off, but considering this is Twilight we're talking about, changing this wouldn't hurt. Something like, "I need a hole in which to hide" or something. Even going so far as to change it completely to "Where's the nearest convenient hole? That was embarrassing." However, seeing as it sounds right, it could go unchecked and be just fine.
Offense.
Moment's. You're trying to show possession with that word here.
Got an extra space in between paragraphs here.
Her needs to be capitalized.
And here.
And here as well.
Capitalize Twilight, too.
Twilight needs to be capitalized. You need a comma between angry and disgust, as well as a hyphen between disgust and filled. Also, a comma is needed after faces, not after the first but. A hyphen is needed between slightly and annoyed, and follow it up with a comma, and change the second but to yet. Too many buts that close together makes it sound off. Finally, capitalize Rainbow Dash.
Capitalize Dash.
Capitalize Dash
Capitalize finally and Twilight. Also, this sentence would probably go better with the paragraph following it.
Extra space between her and more.
Too many ever's too close together. Consider dropping one of them.
Might want to consider breaking this into two sentences, starting with for.
Who is smiling here? With the sentence structure, it sounds like Dash is grinning, while the sentence that follows makes it sound like Pinkie was the one. Also, no character was named in the following paragraph so it's a little ambiguous who was doing what.
Awkward wording here. I know what you're trying to convey, but it doesn't roll off the tongue. Try changing "A small amount" to "A few".
Forgot to italicize here. Also, when a thought or dialogue is finished, but an indicator of who is speaking follows, a comma is needed at the end of the thought or dialogue.
If filly fooler is ponyspeak for lesbian, you don't need to add the "ery" at the end. translated into English it would be "lesbianery".
Need a space here. In fact, considering it's referring to an action taken by another character, it really belongs in the paragraph that follows.
Again, this sentence would work better in the paragraph that follows it.
May want to replace that hyphen with an ellipses. It's better for indicating that a conversation has trailed off, whereas a hyphen is better for interruptions.
I hope you find this helpful rather than bothersome. It was a sweet story, and I'd like to see you make a sequel with Twilight and Cheerilee getting together. //dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_Lyra_dealwithit.png
Ah nothing like friends betting on something personal to make the friendship stronger.
Rainbow is like "Damn I was going to go to a Wonderbolts show, too..."
2709997 Actually, "offence" is correct. "Offense" is the American spelling, while "offence" is how the rest of the English-speaking world spells it.
2709921>>2709997
Fixed and dealt with.
Also Filly Foolery was my idea for the bar name. I've changed that up to be easier to understand.
Oh yeah. and Ghost. I might take a look at it....When I wake up. Just got home from the night shift.
2710753
Well, considering how the rest of the story was written in Americanized English and not the Queen's English, I think my correction will stand.
2711786
Oh, okay. I kinda thought it might be the bar's name, but wasn't sure. Also, you're welcome.
2712405 Just making sure you knew. Consistency is important. This time, though, I happened to not be paying attention to it. If that's the case, I stand by your correction as well. American English seems to be getting increasingly rare on the internet these days, so I might as well help out what little of it I do find.
Bravo for writing on a fliphone! Very cute and sweet.