Unnatural events cause ponies to alarm throughout Equestria. Strange weather spawns thoughts of evils returned, while a creeping plague of grey begins to consume the land. These happenings seem to go hand in hand just like fire and smoke. What foul magic or technology has been unleashed upon the innocents? Sometimes your worst enemy is just misunderstood while misunderstanding the truth, a combo most twisted. Look to the power of friends to unveil the truth within truths hidden with lies. Can the resident maiden mares overcome another desperate struggle for home and kingdom? For your sake, I hope they can! A poor pony chastised and ridiculed for her thirst of knowledge turns for the worst. Her pursuit for power overflows with sorrow and grief. With clouded mind and fragmented morals, she makes some horrible mistakes. The ponies’ only friend must choose to ride the rollercoaster with her to ease the fear, or let the poor pony take the trip alone.
Rainbow Spice
Joined 2nd Feb, 2012 ·
Offline
Also LikedSimilarAuthor
- Wolokai · 31k words · 107 8 · 4.7k views
- NeutralParasite · 6.1k words · 26 3 · 1.8k views
- PurpleProse · 111k words · 394 13 · 16k views
- Tailslover13 · 289k words · 513 37 · 19k views
- RobotFox · 105k words · 57 8 · 2.3k views
- Shadicbro Brony · 26k words · 143 9 · 13k views
- TheLunarArmy · 32k words · 38 4 · 4.6k views
Chapters (4)
Join our SubscribeStar to remove these adverts!
Join our SubscribeStar to remove these adverts!
Stats
Page generated in 0.1 seconds
Total duration
901 users online
588,286 hits today, 2,064,738 yesterday
FIMFiction
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
Designed and coded by knighty & Xaquseg - © 2011-2024
Follow & Support Us
Support us
SubStar
Chat!
Discord
Follow us
Twitter
MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
Fimfiction is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Hasbro Inc.®
326266
I'm assuming you can read my first comment, cause I'm not seeing it here
326922 No, I can't see it.
328278
Gah! Well here I go again...
First of all, congrats on your fist comment (comments now)
I know how it sucks to have an intelligent story go relatively unnoticed, especially when stories like "Equestrians in Undergarments" are making the most popular bar.
That said, I feel you could improve this fic a little so far. You try really hard to sound poetic, but it almost makes it look as if English isn't your first language (though I suppose that could actually be the case.) In any case, there's two things I think you can do to help alleviate this.
The first thing is punctuation. Sometimes you include periods where they're not needed, and quite often you are missing punctuation that causes the reader to have to go back and re-read a sentence.
For example:
"The day though still young was fraught with tasks that needed completing, and Rainbow Dash being the go to mare had been asked to double check that the clouds have been altercated from the sky"
should read like this:
"The day, though still young, was fraught with tasks that needed completing, and Rainbow Dash (being the go to mare) had been asked to double check that the clouds have been altercated from the sky"
The second thing is to tone down the metaphors a bit. I know it's good practice to "show, don't tell" when writing, but sometimes you just have to tell the reader what the hell's going on
For example:
"If you took a hammer and shattered a minute made of glass, just one of the shard remaining would be the amount of time it took Dash to streak from the heaven into the streets."
I had to read this three times before I understood what it was talking about. It's a nice piece of poetry, but it doesn't put an image in the reader's mind (or if it does, it's an abstract one)
This is an eloquent fic, and I look forward to your updates.
Hopefully this comment shows up correctly
332101 Thank you for your kind words!
Also for your input, I respect those who will take the time to help me improve. I will defiantly keep an eye out for small tidbits like you pointed out. Keep in mind that this isn't a finished draft so expect a few edits. I often scribe/write with Dragon Simply Speaking and as such I often miss punctuation.
I will look around for some metaphors and rewrite with added detail. The reason why I do it as often as I do is simply because, well I am lazy. It makes an easy sentence.
Thanks for your support,
-Spice