Crysteen was working on a starcruiser as a mechanic.
When the ship was critically damaged from pirate mines, shi tried to escape the ship by teleporting.
But something goes wrong, and hir existence in one reality ends while another begins in Equestria.
Page generated in 0.083 seconds
Total duration
624 users online
1,227,340 hits today, 2,987,370 yesterday
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
Designed and coded by knighty & Xaquseg - © 2011-2024
Support us
SubStar
Chat!
Discord
Follow us
Twitter
MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
Fimfiction is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Hasbro Inc.®
cl.jroo.me/z3/m/P/G/d/a.aaa-Shrek-in-the-Matrix.jpg
Not sure if misspelling of she and her in the description was intentional, or you just aren't a native English speaker. But regardless, I'd recommend a proofreader for this, and maybe a bit of a premise change.
2718795
No, I'm fairly sure the butchered pronouns were 100% intentional.
God, this story has so much tumblr in it you can practically smell it.
2718923 Well on the bright side, even I, with limited access to this for reasons not relating to current leadership, could probably do a better job. Should probably read this soon.
The shift in writing styles was jarring. From paragraphs, to script style, to MUCK-style one-liners. Centering song is just fine - but centering prose is sinful. You also shift a lot between first- and third-person. It's almost as if three people wrote this story, and had their works combined into one file.
And... spelling, including having correct endings, is important. As a few examples:
Fortunate for hir > Fortunately for hir
star Cruiser > star cruiser
suppose to do > supposed to do
southern accent voice > southern accented voice or southern accent
I am a PONY!. > I am a PONY!
Down stairs > Downstairs
so far fetch > so far fetched
swollowing > swallowing
repled > replied
gastly > ghastly ('Gastly' is a pokémon...)
And I love chakats as much as the next brony - okay, not as much as your typical brony, probably abnormally much more - but there's a lot of concepts in here that just are thrown in while assuming the reader knows them. (Then again I'm guilty of the same.)
Next, you have issues with line endings - I misread "To Be Continued" as "Be Continued" because the latter was on its own line while the former was in the middle. There is so much wrong with the sentence It is her life, and aren't we always teach about tolerance and understanding? coming from Spike's mouth that I just can't even being.
Additionally - I can't really end with 'finally', 'additionally' will have to do - you have a lot of "meta" dialogue - dialogue that sounds like a summary or placeholder for what would be an actual interesting discussion, moving on past it. You spend more time Twilight's reaction to carnivorism on than the fact that Crysteen just lost her family, home, and daughters in the accident.
Okay, that's mostly it.
Wait, no it's not.
Why do we need to know that she can see light through her lips? And that it's purple?
Why did Spike grab Crysteen's junk? Seriously, what about that scene leapt out at you and said You know what this scene needs? Bad touch Spike!
Why does Celestria - sorry, Celestia - say only one line in the entire story when a new princess would indicate a possible revolution not only in the royal power scheme, but when this particular pony represents a complete rewrite and alteration of how Equestria places itself in the grand scheme of the entire universe?
Okay, now I'm done.
2720281 You know how you were giving correct spellings and grammar? Well "hir" is not a word. So you failed at your own correction. Also, it turns out I can type really fast with one hand, and that one hand is using one finger.
It probably was. The mere synopsis sounds like something from a particularly yiff-tastic muck, especially with the whole "blatant hermaphrodite" thing.
I'll probably read it later.
2718795>>2718795Most fans of the Chakats would know instantly that hir (heer) shi (shay) are herm descriptives.
I could have linked the Introduction to Chakats as a reference guide for Newbies to the Furry Fandom.
2720281The issue with To Be Continued was not the fault of me, but the fault of the editing on this site. It was meant to be all centered together.
The misspelling was my fault as I didn't spell check before posting.
The subject of Crysteen's family will be addressed in later chapters.
Please forgive my lack of plot or spelling and grammar and so forth.
Coming from a site where my work was read and enjoyed as a story instead of criticized for mistakes, I am not use the criticism.
2721526 Heyo.
If you want, take a look at my editing group. Currently shut down for renovations, but I can have my co-admin shoot you a PM once we reopen, if you'll kindly drop him a line. All the information on that is right there on the front page for convenience.
Might be a bit, but once we open back up I might be able to take you on. I'm absolutely slammed solid right now, but things'll settle. Eventually. If you're even interested in working with an editor, of course.
2721503 i have no clue what chakat is nor am i a fan of furry. imerely read things that interest me. but try elaborating more on what a chakat is in the story rather than using wikipedia some people arent viewing this site on pc ya know.
2721526 So, could you, like, post another chapter soon or something? It's getting really hard to find non-strip mined places to build on in Minecraft. Plus I've run out of other fics to read.