Ends Meet

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Equestria has changed in more ways than one over the vast number of years it has existed. But not everything has been for the better.

It only ever took a small change to make a big difference. For six ponies, that change has set them on the road less trodden. If they want any chance to survive in the world they live, they'll have to move fast and think faster.

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Burraku_Pansa

Burraku_Pansa #1 · Jun 17th, 2013 · · ·

Before the grammar nazis start talking... please make sure that you are aligning yourself with the British rules of spelling and grammar. That is all.

Pshaw. Any grammar nazi worth his or her salt can catch errors regardless of the rule system.

The night was still and quiet, the glassy entrances to the Canterlot banking district reflected the dim moonlight far, far above.

This is a comma splice, the illegal joining of two independent clauses (clauses that could function as full sentences) being connected with only a comma. In addition, the phrasing is easily taken to suggest that the entrances themselves are "far, far above."

[…] a Stetson shielding the owners face from any witnesses.

Neglected an apostrophe to show possession.

Alright… you all know the deal, clean and careful remember?

Another comma splice, and there needs to be a comma before "remember", unless you intend for your dialogue to sound awkward.

‘My, my…three deadbolts and an electromagnetic lock… how... easy.’

Regardless of ellipses, the first word of a new sentence still needs to be capitalized normally. Also, that first ellipsis is inconsistent in usage with all other ellipses in the story: your standard has been to include a space afterwards. The third one (after "how") is inconsistent in its own way, as your standard is to use the actual ellipsis symbol ("…") as opposed to three dots ("...").

‘All yours ladies.’ she said, smiling.

The period within the dialogue should instead be a comma, as the dialogue is followed with a dialogue tag rather than a simple statement. And this is another area where your dialogue needs a comma added—before "ladies"—to not sound awkward.

The apparent leader of the team rolled her eyes, ‘How nice of you Rares…

The comma there at the end of the "rolled her eyes" statement is invalid, and should be a period instead. This is because the statement is not a lead-in to dialogue (no speaking verbs were used). And yet again, a comma in your dialogue (before "Rares", this time) would prevent it from being as strange as it is.

That should be more than enough teasing, I imagine. In the future, try not to issue such inviting challenges, and I'd suggest you grab an editor/proofreader or give the story a longer looking-over for yourself (and possibly see to bettering your knowledge of punctuation) before publishing.

…Oh, just one more.

She’s gonna bring the whole force down on us if this racquet continues.

The term "racquet" is invalid here. Though you use "the British rules of spelling and grammar", it must be noted that while "racquet" is an alternative spelling of "racket" (the sporting equipment), the term "racket" (the noise) doesn't have an alternative spelling.

sopchoppy