The Writers' Group56,439 stories ·9,297 members
I Just Want a Comment15,714 stories ·3,673 members
King Sombra Fan Fiction1,388 stories ·1,695 members
Authors Helping Authors8,593 stories ·2,462 members
The Group That Is Pretty Much Every Other Group Combined9,867 stories ·924 members
Author Of The Weak Group3,100 stories ·359 members
The Shameless Self-Promotion Bureau49,277 stories ·5,462 members
Procrastinators Unite!1,392 stories ·703 members
Sombra had always been a good child. He never did anything wrong intentionally, and was always ready to help others. Then one day, he snapped. He fell down to the darkness, and he slowly turned into the ruler he became.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page generated in 0.097 seconds
Total duration
693 users online
917,147 hits today, 1,996,409 yesterday
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
Designed and coded by knighty & Xaquseg - © 2011-2024
Support us
SubStar
Chat!
Discord
Follow us
Twitter
MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
Fimfiction is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Hasbro Inc.®
Well, it's an interesting point of view. I love how you depict Sombra, even if it's strange that you made him a fire mage, but you have your reason.
2781742
It will hold some importance later on he gets to power. Talking about the fire mage thing.
Good first chapter. I like the pacing you have so far, and I like that you are going into depth with this character.
Your grammar is immaculate with the exception of two mistakes:
"could be seen, it's red exterior"
No apostrophe.
Also, in your first sentence, I'd take out this:
"Being of a younger age than Sombra."
And just add the word "younger" in front of "brother" in the sentence "looking back behind him at his brother."
The empire is a bunch of harlots, eh? Very interesting.
Just one error in here.
I wish school was never over. he thought gloomily to himself.
There should be a period after "over." Treat thought dialogue just as you would treat regular dialogue.
Also, you have a misspelling
"Why dies the first time I get a teleportation spell"
Should be does, not dies.
Whoa
2798293
Thanks, man. Glad you think my grammar is pretty immaculate. Reading all those books obsessively is paying off.
I'm a bit confused here. When did Hunter die? Before or after Sombra was grounded? Why wasn't he at like, the funeral or something? Also, what was his mother doing at school during the middle of recess? And where were the teachers during all this?
Otherwise, good chapter, and no grammar mistakes this time.
2798326
I guess a bit of time markers would help. I'll put them on. Hunter died before Sombra was grounded. Anytime there's a memory and the voice speaks, it's in the past.
2798326
His mom wasn't at school, it's because their house is a reasonable away from the school, and since nopony could "call your parents" like they do today, going to fetch them was the best alternative.
Wow. I wouldn't want to mess with him
Upvote, yes.
Read Later List, absolutely!
Read now... unfortunately, too busy with the rewrite.
But I shall return!
2813402
Oh, rewrite! I like rewrites because they make stories better!
2813408 Jes. That's why I decided to shamelessly self-promote.
I actually enjoy this and look forward to reading more. How about I forgo the fifty dollars and instead you just like my most recent story,hm?
The teacher stuck out to me though, somehow she just didn't seem very teacher-y towards the beginning.
2819857
I'll do that. I wasn't going to give you fifty dollars anyways.
I found it a bit odd that Sombra felt worse about lying to a royal guard than killing his own mother. Also, i would have liked to have seen Sombra in the orphanage making everyone deathly afraid of him. Otherwise, good chapter, and quite a devious plan on Sombra's part.
So did none of the guards have magic, or was it just the king? He kind of took them out ridiculously easy. But if he could take the guards out so easily, why did he need the bombs to get them out of the way? Also, you kinda didn't go anywhere with the whole "decadent sinful empire" subplot. Otherwise, it's a good story and i'll check out the sequels. (hopefully you address those issues in the sequel)
Whoa! I not gonna miss this story for the world
2834383
God, this reply is way overdue, I just kept putting it off, but...
Sombra's insanity fluctuates across various levels, from high to low. It's how he was able to even come up with a plan to get into the castle and stuff in the first place and execute it perfectly. He killed his mother without a hitch because his insanity was being sparked, and it was just setting off, and later it was at a lower level.
He killed his mother in cold blood...I LOVE HOW YOU WROTE SOMBRA!
5367834
Thanks! I guess I really need to get working on the sequel though. I've only got a single chapter. Argh...
Well then...
This intrigues me, fellow Sombra writer.
I love Sombras that go against the typical archetypes he is usually portrayed as, and your Sombra does this more than most others I've seen.
Great story! However I would add an OC tag since everyone but Sombra is an OC.
i get a Nero/ Mad Roman Emperor vibe, i like it.