Alanticorn. An ancient city long since cast to the realm of fantasy by most rational ponies. But for Kessa Forelock, it's very real and she's spent years following the clues left behind in forgotten books and scrolls to bring her to the deserts of South Zebran. A discovery there casts Kessa and her best friend Cander into a previously unknown world of deception, secrets and forgotten lore as they race to stay one step ahead of a dangerous unicorn who seeks to use the power of the lost city to achieve his own goals.
Chapters (3)
Well, I liked it! The writing is sound. But I can't help but feel this is a little... standard? It needs some more evocative descriptions to make the action more tense. There's not much about the feelings of the characters, no description of just HOW dark the dark is. See what I mean? The dialogue is there, but it's mostly just asked, said, whispered, yelled. That just tells us what they're doing, not how they do it or how they feel. There's also words like snapped, barked, hiss, whimper, plaintively, gasp, etc.
But I think you have the basis of a good story going here.
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Thanks for your comment!
I'm getting an Uncharted vibe from this.
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Maybe a bit. The only experience I have with the Uncharted series is the main theme performed by the London Philharmonic Orchestra. But if you mean a connection with such action-oriented adventure stories like Uncharted, Tomb Raider, Indiana Jones and National Treasure, then yes, there's very much some influence there. I love those types of stories and grew up watching Indy.
The goal as it continues, though, is to expand that into other elements and make the set pieces and adventures unique in their own way.
I have just created an account only to make a comment - I do want you to complete this story. I liked it. And I was dissapointed so much when it ended at the very begining of something really interesting.
Looking forward.