When you wake up naked in a strange bed you can feel uncertain. When the person asking how you feel is a ‘talking horsie’ you can find it hard to focus on anything else. When they seem so unimpressed when they already have talking Cows, Sheep, Diamond Dogs, Zebras, Dragons, River Serpents, Buffalo, and Minotaurs then you might as well just keep your head down and do farm chores and try to gradually get used to this all.
But when three infamous fillies ask you to do something then perhaps would have been better to say ‘no’ and leave your life quiet and uneventful.
Set from sometime not very long after Discord’s puppy-eyes and reform to where I gamble and have the season 4 opening threat dealt with on the day of the coronation and Equestria Girls start only two days later.
(EDIT: Though from the spoilers/teasers it seems the vague references to the threat missed by so far as to obviously be referring to something else...)
(EDIT 2: Blog post on problems and thoughts. AU tag added since things were contradicted.)
Probably one of the most impressive first stories I've ever seen.
undergroundmgzn.com/wp/wp-content/uploads/2013/05/Ahmadinejad-31.jpg
Not bad.
You did however take a VERY big risk by posting all chapters at once.
It is definitely unusual to dump an entire in one day.
It certainly makes it hard to give feedback when it's due.
But I'll take TNaB's word on it and carry on.
From only reading the first chapter, you've earned points from me by skipping how the human came into Equestria.
Reading a human beating up a manticore upon arrival in Equestria and getting a welcome party from Pinkie does get old, so skipping that is a welcome breath.
Wow, fluttershys a bitch in this story. You actually made me hate her here. She'd rather he die than her precious animals get hurt....
And sorry but this guy is way too much of a push over. Makes me dislike him from the get go, letting himself be outright disrespected like that even after not only risking his own life to help save others but further risking his life by stupidly not killing or even hurting the threat ..... and HE apologises for it! Make me want to strangle all these fools.
But yea, Fluttershy is very OOC here. I think she'd understand how nature works and not judge something for simply acting out of instinct and that humans aren't mentally similar to ponys.
Well I've finished this sizable fic, and I have to say that I liked it.
It certainly deserves the Slice of Life tag, since the story only covers about two weeks of events in this lengthy fic.
I'm going to assume that there is going to be a sequel since the ending was abrupt, and there was a lot of loose ends.
There is a lot of technical speak in this story, more than any other story I've read in this site. Not that that is a bad thing.
As mentioned before, maybe you should release your chapters bit-by-bit instead of all at once so that you can get the proper feedback for your own good.
By complete chance, the way I discovered this fic was through a whimsical general search on the day this was published, which I imagine can't be good for exposure.
As for my own opinion, I like discovering a new story that is already completed so I don't have to wait for new installments.
I like what you did with Zecora and italics.
The buildup to the romance wasn't sudden, which I appreciate.
Some sentences you wrote could be chopped down for clearness, for they were too long.
Joe as a level-headed, "Ask questions first" character is a bit of a minority in this site, so that's a plus.
I really liked that Joe has a habit of losing track of himself and that he is aware of this.
Many HiE have some character of the Mane6 act as the bigot against the human, but having Fluttershy initially act as that is something I don't recall ever having been done before, so props to you.
i have no idea what cack is and the cursory google check didnt help matters it sounds like a british thing
One thing that bugged me about this story is the size of the model that the CMC made. I don't recall any reference to size other than it fits in a wagon.
There is a lot of gossip in this story, and reading this story in sections rather than all in one go, as I did, may make some readers lose track of who knows what.
There were a lot of snippets of fun facts, like from reading a Cracked article.
I liked that "blushing human" color joke in chapter 29.
I feel that the Garden Party scene could've been handled better. It didn't sit well for me that those ponies could think that any prank involving established threats could end well.
In every HiE I've read, none were as so late as this as to give The Reveal that ponies affect the weather.
Your story certainly stands out from the "average, normal, everyday, college student" stories that always pop up in this site. It does away with many HiE cliches such as fainting in every early chapter, and it has many instances that I consider unusual but not bad, such as the human learning about the pony weather so damn late.
My only question is that I want to know how long it took for you to write this, since I like to make judgments based on how many words an author can publish in a given timeframe.
http://images1.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20090306205617/8bittheater/images/a/aa/Sulk.png
you no want make sulk sad
Okay. Here’s the situation. I wanted to know what the threat the next season will (probably) open with would be so I’d know how the lack of wings on Twilight and lack of working Elements of Harmony would affect things. Given how long I thought there’s be between finishing this and that season opener I decided to have the alternate ending to tie things off with a “GO AWAY!” in case I decided to not come back to it.
However this took longer and I’ve found myself with half of chapter 40…
And now I know a bit more about Equestria Girls I think I see an angle that doesn’t overshadow the awesome with the less awesome Joe, but does give him a way to be semi-useful there as a friend who knows about bipedalism and doesn’t have a parallel there. And the alternate ending doesn’t fit, unless I’d wanted to give Joe a surprise when he sees his first blue dog or human. So that is trashed.
Unfortunately I think I remember a tweet, or something, saying that Magical Mystery Cure was in-effect part one of the next season opener. And although one spoiler I’d read since I posted this had suggested Equestria Girls took place within Magical Mystery Cure and Twilight had needed to recover her crown the coronation that was contradicted by Princess Cadance saying she hadn’t seen Twilight since the Coronation. Therefore they might have needed to deal with an opening threat in the meantime.
So I have popped this from “complete” to “hiatus”. I can work on the bits I know and assuming Equestria Girls is not set too far in the “future” (say opening threat and then Equestria Girls) then it’s gone from being something to ignore to being a good ending as my angle helps resolve some issues. And for the more cynical of you I don’t mean resolve them by Joe staying put. I do mean by a nice happy-sappy return.
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I did not mean to give the impression she’d rather he die, just she’d rather he’d found a better solution than violence. She was rather surprised at the contrast between wandering around not talking much to anypony and hopping about with a spear. Maybe not a Panda sitting around with his big fat belly… or maybe a Panda, but those can look quite demonic when they get mange and lose the cute black and white fur. Fluttershy understands how nature works, to use a different animal analogy she’d just thought Joe was more like a Gorilla (mmm… freshly torn off leaves) so finding he was a Chimpanzee (mmm… freshly torn off monkey leg) put her off balance.
Thank you for commenting, I hope you enjoyed other parts.
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I'm going to assume that there is going to be a sequel since the ending was abrupt, and there was a lot of loose ends.
Maybe a Sequel. Certainly a few more chapters
Many HiE have some character of the Mane6 act as the bigot against the human, but having Fluttershy initially act as that is something I don't recall ever having been done before, so props to you.
Not so much bigot as the whole “Look at the cute Panda sitting with his big fat tummy” (Though… Pandas are quite powerfully built) image of him having been derailed.
I have no idea what cack is and the cursory Google check didn’t help matters, it sounds like a British thing.
General term for mess, not necessarily excrement but dirty oil or mud. Some people can work on a car engine without getting covered in mess and some aren’t so dexterous, so they’re cack-handed. Or what they make is a load of cack.
One thing that bugged me about this story is the size of the model that the CMC made. I don't recall any reference to size other than it fits in a wagon.
Tricycle undercarriage fits in the wagon, wings and tail project out. Wheels are the same size as the wagons (say 3”). Propeller is ½ to 2/3 the size of Tank’s rotor (say 6”-8”). Fuselage pod is large enough Joe’s arm wraps around it and his other arm is extended onto the tail section, holding it like a Guitar as similar size (say 3’). Ground to top of main wing is tall enough that Sweetie Belle preferred looking over the tail boom instead (say 2’). Wingspan to match (say 3’ - 4').
So it’s a fairly large model, but as the CMC can build parade floats this was tiny for them.
There were a lot of snippets of fun facts, like from reading a Cracked article.
Glad you liked them, though I was getting less sure… was the way the story flowed but that did make me realise that if the setting was not somewhere that the information is common knowledge or not known at all that I might let a character get chatty. And had.
I feel that the Garden Party scene could've been handled better. It didn't sit well for me that those ponies could think that any prank involving established threats could end well.
People can be stupid. People can play stupid pranks and not think through the consequences. Though the reason I made it an art gallery rather than the Castle was that even “dis is gunna be grate” level Pranksters would realise the consequences there. I have revised the chapters to make it clear they were expecting to make dramatic entrance, few or several seconds of Fancy Pants mocking, and then reveal themselves and maybe spend a night under arrest having their identity confirmed.
Or maybe I just wanted another fight…
In every HiE I've read, none were as so late as this as to give The Reveal that ponies affect the weather.
Joe always knew the Ponies affected the weather, seeing Pegasi flying around and hearing about how rainfall and sunshine is scheduled gave him that idea, but to use the analogy that occurs he thought these Equestrians were more like other Equestrians. A man on horseback can influence and control the horse, but the horse can continue well enough without him and sometimes win the race since not carrying the weight of the jockey. Or to put it another way he is going to be seriously blinking when he finds out the information from Hurricane Fluttershy…
(“But… water cycle… sun on ocean, water vapour, condense around atmospheric dust, make clouds! Rain down, back to ocean, repeat…”)
I hear these villainous speeches so wearily often I started making a mental list of how many times I've heard certain lines.
“You… idiots,” he managed to force out before coughing again, “you don’t understand…”
one hundred and ninety.
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Yep. That was Joe’s attitude. Backfired on him as the person meant it straight.
Update on situation. It seemed like I had two options (three if you count doing nothing, which was why I made this hiatus while I decided). One was to see if I could get things through to the Coronation. The other was to gamble and allow myself to continue on and use the ideas for Equestria Girls. They would already depend on there being only a short time between the two so if I’d be gambling that way then perhaps gamble three more ways? Things hung well enough together and still seem reasonable enough that I’ve decided on the fourfold gamble.
1) Two day gap between Coronation and Equestria Girls and Princess Twilight’s planned intensive residential training course (or Princess Summit as they called it… and which somehow worked out for her and taught her the lessons she needed anyway).
2) As in Magical Mystery Cure no sooner does Twilight Sparkle finish singing about how everything is going to be fine then everything is not, so season opener threat that day.
3) Threat dealt with that day.
4) Ponyville, or at least Fluttershy’s Cottage unaffected.
With 2, 3, & 4 meaning all Joe needs to know is that the Mane 6 were “awesome” and make appreciative noises about their latest deeds of heroism when they return to pick up their pets. Keep it off screen since he’s a background
ponyhuman and I don’t need to know what it was they did.11 more chapters. Will post in two goes, up to Coronation and then final chunk.
2867140 Sounds like a plan to me boss. It also seems to me that the thing with RD probably won't work out, and EQG seems far too tempting for Celestia as a way to permanently get Joe out of her hair. You also paint her and Luna as being too powerful and omniscient to have not already removed him from the equation entirely. I cringed when the omniscience kicked in the last few chapters. Also the last little scene here, she delivers an ultimatum. She's giving Joe one last chance to prove.....what, exactly? Before she turns him to stone or dumps him in the side pocket universe filled with 'kinda-sorta-humans'. It isn't clear what she expects him to prove, or if she doesn't care, and just wants him to remain to not disrupt things until Twilight's test is done. That makes the most sense, anyway. After that he could be removed.
But seriously, the 'things not working out for Joe physically' on the relationship front, I don't find very believable. He's reacting as if deep down, he feels they are animals and it disgusts him on some deep psychological level. There's not much he can do about something like that. The whole thing felt like a stonewalling tactic, placed in order to keep the story on different rails. I did enjoy Rarity's sense of humor about all of it, and got some good laughs from a few of her rewordings or innuendos. The overall story is enjoyable, though.
You said this is some kind of offshoot? I just found this specific one and started reading, in any case. Very stream of consciousness writing (can get to be too much when some writers try to do this, but this was well controlled compared to most) with a lot of worldbuilding effort, which I like.
Chapters posted to just after the coronation.
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You also paint her and Luna as being too powerful and omniscient to have not already removed him from the equation entirely. I cringed when the omniscience kicked in the last few chapters.
Omniscient but merciful. If he’s not causing trouble then leave him be. It would have been safer to turn him into a statue before he even woke up but that would be condemning him for Discord’s actions and for whatever he was supposed to do but hadn’t done. The trashed alternate ending though was her dumping him before I decided Celestia was too merciful to dump him in a ‘kinda-sorta-humans’ universe (since I’d decided it was that, or possibly just a training construct, rather than where he’d come from).
Also the last little scene here, she delivers an ultimatum. She's giving Joe one last chance to prove… what, exactly? …... It isn't clear what she expects him to prove, or if she doesn't care, and just wants him to remain to not disrupt things until Twilight's test is done.
Still annoyed. Angry with herself that after all the time and trouble she’d spent she’d missed something obvious. That she was expecting him to do something unusual and Discord got the chance to mock her about how it had been Joe doing something rather normal for Equestria. Now she’s found out what it was that had been planned she cares rather less, but he’s not worth the trouble to remove.
But seriously, the 'things not working out for Joe physically' on the relationship front, I don't find very believable. He's reacting as if deep down, he feels they are animals and it disgusts him on some deep psychological level. There's not much he can do about something like that.
He felt something even with the first kiss and has been getting more used to it. If he had the deep disgust then he’d have been too busy feeling nauseated to note her distress and a lot more hesitant kissing her again. Certainly he’d have made it clear he wanted to just remain friends rather than asking her on a date a couple of days later once he’d had time for the surprise to wear off. I didn’t want him to jump straight to being able to consider romance but I had tried to write it more as him needing to get used to the idea. Not a ‘deep psychological level’, more a ‘this seems kinky’ combined with being rather scared.
Kinda think he's being a little overdramatic and hard on himself with the whole "being called a predator" or willing to hurt/kill an attacking animal thing.
Boo-freaking-hoo.
Six chapters at once? You maniac!
twi didnt even care that joe wasnt there..
45 chapters in sixteen days...Damn! I guess I have something to look forward to this coming weekend.
Now that was fun. It was a lot of chapters all at ones. You made this story so fast it's hard to believe. I wood like to know what is next? Is this the end, because it at the end of the third set of shows? It well be new territory to go into. I like to know whit happen in canterlot when some group try to take over? Who and whit was the People who tried it. It was a bit vague. I like to know if Joe keeps his pony level powers or is it super pony powers? The potion that Twilight gave Joe to increase the magic that Joe had in him mite be increasing in a time delay fashion after all Discord Magic is chaos and you need to expect that things can happen that you do not plan. Even Discord can't see all the thing that he sets in motion. I have enjoyed this story and wood love to see it keep going. That is up to you. So Keep up the grate work.
I've gotta be honest... I kind of love/hate this story. On the one hand, it is well written, and the interactions are very entertaining and interesting. On the other... well, there's really no other way to say it; regardless of what tone you are attempting to adopt with Joe, I get the impression that he is ashamed of being a human. In fact, he's so accepting of the gross manipulations of the Princesses and their constant blaming of him for disruptions that are not entirely his fault, that he comes across as a human apologist.
He never gets angry when he's being manipulated. In fact, the one time he DOES lash out at the Princess for being, frankly, somewhat abusive of him, he is immediately exiled. I admit that this happened in a non-canon omake sort of set up, but... man. For all that I follow this story, and think it's interesting, I am rapidly losing interest in it because, and this chapter was a particularly bad example of this; at points I found myself saying, in my head...
"Hey, fuck you very much, buddy. I happen to LIKE my species."
If he had NOT reached out to ponies in Ponyville, if he had done what the Princesses wanted of him, he would have had a lonely, sad, hermit-like existence. They wanted him to socially ISOLATE himself to the point where he might as well have lived in a cage. That's... just wrong. Then Celestia flat out threatens him any time he even looks like he's going to "culturally contaminate" her ponies. That is also wrong! You are making me really dislike Celestia, and I really don't WANT to dislike Celestia.
Sigh. I don't want to give you the wrong impression. I do like this story, for the most part. It's just the things that I dislike about it, I dislike INTENSELY... so maybe that's why it comes through so strongly.
Anyway, I don't see you changing anything on my account, you obviously have a vision where this story is concerned but... I just had to get that off my chest. I'm going to try to finish the rest of the posted chapters but... well... I don't know if I'll be able to do it. Here's hoping.
Seriously. Yeah, I'm done. The lack of concern that Twilight gives over Joe and how he's doing after the not inconsiderable amount of pain he went through to fix Twilight's mistake is frankly appalling. I'm sorry. I mean, I'm not asking for much, and I would have accepted the excuse that Joe isn't much one for crowds, but when the Princess said "all your friends will be there", and she didn't show any concern that Joe wasn't there at all...
Well... I guess that shows how much of a friend Twilight considers Joe. That's really disappointing. Yes he made a mistake, but it was a well MEANING mistake. He was trying to help. Then he sacrifices something that could set him at a considerable impairment when it comes to dealing with life in Equestria, with no hesitation because it's the right thing to do, at considerable cost in pain to himself... and apparently he isn't good enough to invite to a coronation he had direct relation to.
You know what? I don't want to read about this Equestria anymore. It seems a very noninclusive place. Good luck with the rest of your story, man. I wish you the best.
Nice bait and switch at the end there.
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Kinda think he's being a little overdramatic and hard on himself with the whole "being called a predator" or willing to hurt/kill an attacking animal thing.
Boo-freaking-hoo.
As much as he knows humans have always been hunters he’d worked to be able to defend himself rather than go out and attack things. So finding that Fluttershy, at least, thought he was a predator made him consider how much that was true of humans in general (very true) and of him in particular.
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Six chapters at once? You maniac!
True… should have waited and posted the final eleven at once. Or wasn’t that what you meant… ?
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twi didnt even care that joe wasnt there..
Why should she? Joe is a friend but not (to quote the theme) one of her “very best friends” who she has gone through all those adventures with or her Draconic baby-brother. As much as she’d consider it with all the distractions and fears of the day she’d assume that, like most of Ponyville, he would be in the crowd somewhere. And when she learned he was petsitting she’d appreciate that he was being helpful.
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45 chapters in sixteen days...Damn! I guess I have something to look forward to this coming weekend.
Let’s be fair, I don’t write that fast. I posted the first thirty-nine before I noodled about with the idea of not waiting for the next season.
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Is this the end, because it at the end of the third set of shows? It well be new territory to go into.
Another five chapters with the assumption I can put Equestria Girls as two days after the Coronation.
I like to know whit happen in canterlot when some group try to take over? Who and whit was the People who tried it. It was a bit vague.
I have no idea what happened in Canterlot, which was why it was so vague. It was another assumption that Twilight Sparkle’s luck with singing about how everything was fine was just as bad there as it had been in Ponyville, so as soon as she finished the season 4 opening threat would strike.
I like to know if Joe keeps his pony level powers or is it super pony powers? The potion that Twilight gave Joe to increase the magic that Joe had in him mite be increasing in a time delay fashion after all.
There wasn’t any delay for Rainbow Dash in Double Rainboom (*) and the extra magic was drained out of Joe almost immediately. I was kind to him and didn’t drain him, I was unkind to him and denied him a chance at a proper heroic sacrifice. As far as this story has been planned he’s still there-or-thereabouts on what he thinks his usual level of strength. Though as he’s been able to keep up reasonably well with Applejack and Big Macintosh he does seem more ‘super-pony’ than Twilight Sparkle expected.
(* = I was reluctant to use the potion from that as it was a third-party episode. Mentioning the potion was one thing, making it affect things was another. As far as this story goes Rainbow Dash did the bit in Equestria, got rescued by Pinkie Pie from where she’d ended up, and I’m not going to say what Pinkie Pie rescued her from.)
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I get the impression that he is ashamed of being a human.
He thinks there are things humans have done that he’d be ashamed to admit. He thinks there are things humans have done that he’d not be ashamed to admit but which the ponyfolk probably think he should be. And he’s not sure where the line is so he’s careful.
If he had NOT reached out to ponies in Ponyville, if he had done what the Princesses wanted of him, he would have had a lonely, sad, hermit-like existence. They wanted him to socially ISOLATE himself to the point where he might as well have lived in a cage. That's... just wrong.
He was doing three days a week at Sweet Apple Acres and, although he was keeping his head down, was visiting Ponyville once or twice a week to do his shopping. Knew a few Ponies in passing and was good enough friends with Applejack and Big Macintosh that he didn’t pretend he hadn’t changed after the attack. The social isolation was more accidental at first as he was in a daze and then his own doing as he still felt introverted enough that it seemed simpler to let them continue to regard him with benign neglect.
Then Celestia flat out threatens him any time he even looks like he's going to "culturally contaminate" her ponies. That is also wrong! You are making me really dislike Celestia, and I really don't WANT to dislike Celestia.
Heh. Shows how you can’t please everyone. Noddwyd thought Joe should have been exiled at once and you’re not keen on her warning him.
The timing of this human starting to do things worthy of being included in a letter from her faithful student when the time for Twilight Sparkle’s final test was so near seemed more than coincidence to Princess Celestia. Even with the degree of precognition I allowed her through magic or vast age and experience allowing her to see subtle patterns she didn’t know what purpose Discord had in bringing Joe here. Was it connected with Twilight Sparkle or was it more general chaos?
She did only warn him the once before he seriously affected things and could rightfully be annoyed that he’d not taken more heed.
I'm going to try to finish the rest of the posted chapters but... well... I don't know if I'll be able to do it. Here's hoping.
Was going to say “Good Luck” and at least the luck held the rest of the way. Found the second reply when I got back.
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Seriously. Yeah, I'm done. The lack of concern that Twilight gives over Joe and how he's doing after the not inconsiderable amount of pain he went through to fix Twilight's mistake is frankly appalling.
Joe managed to avoid screaming during the actual cure and from where she was sitting and how hard she was concentrating she’d not have been able to see how much effort that was. She got excited as she realised the solution to the spell and her next step would have been to… actually, I think I’ll edit the chapter to make that clear… been to check Joe over.
I'm sorry. I mean, I'm not asking for much, and I would have accepted the excuse that Joe isn't much one for crowds, but when the Princess said "all your friends will be there", and she didn't show any concern that Joe wasn't there at all... Well... I guess that shows how much of a friend Twilight considers Joe.
Not a particularly close friend. Joe is doing well extending his friendships past Applejack and Big Macintosh (or very well with Rainbow Dash) but he’s far from the inner circle. Interesting enough to talk to, has a different perspective on some things, and seems able to keep secrets. But most of Joe's time at the library has been spent with Spike rather than him having spent that much time with Twilight Sparkle.
…and apparently he isn't good enough to invite to a coronation he had direct relation to.
Direct relation by nearly derailing it. And no, he's not good enough. He has no social status or wealth to be invited on his own merits and not enough personal connection to Twilight Sparkle to overcome Princess Celestia's lingering sense of annoyance.
You know what? I don't want to read about this Equestria anymore. It seems a very noninclusive place. Good luck with the rest of your story, man. I wish you the best.
Most Ponies don't mind Joe, but it needs more than "don't mind" to get an invitation to a major state occassion. Sorry to hear the bad points have overcome the good ones for you. Good luck and the best to you as well.
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Nice bait and switch at the end there.
Thank you.
2894994 even so, id think shed care to ask,at least, where he was since his marefriend was there and *because shes in his business half the time*.
* may not be correct since i am tired and may be think of another story.
I agree with that guy said. That manticore fucking mauled him before and Flutterbitch is pissed at him because he hurt her manticore! What the fuck?! What does she expect him to act? Let himself and the CMC get killed by the manticore or the crocodile from a while ago?
You know what. I don't like the way the Celestia and Luna is treating Joe. Invading his dreams and all that. It looks like they're treating him like a lowly guinea pig, doing whatever they can just to satisfy their curiosity. Why can't they just leave him alone? They are clearly overreacting to Joe here.
Lol...granny.
Can I ask how big the model is? I can't quite keep it straight in my brain!
Huh....I'll be keeping tabs on this.
Your Celestia is incredibly OoC and lacks most of the empathy she displays in the show (as well as do the other ponies as well at times). Friendship is Magic!
... except for dirty humans!
Final chapters posted. I had got halfway through chapter 47 when I posted to chapter 45 and the plans to the end were detailed, but I can’t say that way I’ve expanded and detailed things didn’t get affected by the comments on the previous chunk. So tempting to keep thinking of ways to let Joe solve things but left him as only useful rather than him annoying Princess Celestia by derailing Equestria Girls too much.
Right. I’ve been answering in one large lump on the story page but let’s try answering on chapter pages instead. So onwards with those replies.
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Thank you. I hope you enjoy it.
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Everyone has a bad day, especially when you’re feeling paranoid about what Discord’s plans are. Celestia loves her little ponies in general but almost all the interactions we see of her on the show are with the Mane 6, her faithful student and her five friends who returned her sister to her and have saved Equestria from many threats. Joe has not earned any gratitude and until she learns why Discord brought him she has to consider the broader picture rather than any personal sympathy.
Thanks for commenting. I hope you found something to enjoy in the story.
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To quote myself (and as it was part of a multi-part reply in a reply that was a few people lumped together this bit would be easy to miss)
"Tricycle undercarriage fits in the wagon, wings and tail project out. Wheels are the same size as the wagons (say 3”). Propeller is ½ to 2/3 the size of Tank’s rotor (say 6”-8”). Fuselage pod is large enough Joe’s arm wraps around it and his other arm is extended onto the tail section, holding it like a Guitar as similar size (say 3’). Ground to top of main wing is tall enough that Sweetie Belle preferred looking over the tail boom instead (say 2’). Wingspan to match (say 3’ - 4').
So it’s a fairly large model, but as the CMC can build parade floats this was tiny for them."
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She was being a very kind Granny, she checked before making the threat and (unless it happened off screen) never carried it out.
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They checked his dreams when he first arrived and found him harmless, and that ‘check’ was more Princess Luna entering them to soothe them and guide him as she did for Scootaloo. When it seemed he’d ‘woken up’ they checked one night, saw there was quite a lot of worrying things he could dream of, and so tried the more focussed threat to compare like with like. Although they weren’t too impressed they thought it not bad enough to bother him a third night or take any action against him. So they did leave him alone, though there was still enough uncertainty for a few conversations.
Princess Luna does see Joe’s dreams again but only in the same way as she sees dreams of Ponies in her role as Goddess of that.
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Your logic is that she should blame the victim for simply existing. Despite your reasoning Celestia (and other ponies) are nonetheless OoC. As I said, you've stripped a lot of the empathy from the show out of FiM for this story. Despite being well written, your inability to make the character seem like more than a punching bag willing to take almost anything dished out to him is a rather unappealing trait.
Honestly the main problem you have is that you write from your own sort of cold logic point of view without taking into account how the characters generally are in the show. That is the major flaw of this story and one that is largely holding it back.
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In the show opener she wasn’t that upset with the rest of the Mane 6 that they were trying to beat up the larger adult Manticore, but she was concerned with ending the fight and trying to appease the beast. Here she’s in a bit of shock that the creature she’d decided was harmless isn’t and this is heightened by the fact that it is SO obvious to her that this Manticore is barely older than a kitten. So she overreacts. And the next day invites Joe to her cottage so they can talk and she can see if her friends were right to be reassuring her.
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She’d had a very busy day and she was not surprised to see Joe at Fluttershy’s cottage so she’d learned where he was at some point. I could have made it explicit but everywhere I tried to insert a ‘where’s Joe?’ it seemed to slow things down or derail the flow. Modified though to make it explicit since it has annoyed so many people.
(Twilight Sparkle smiled as she saw Winona surge and Joe nearly lose his balance. As she led her earthbound friends onto the bridge she felt guilty that her relief at seeing her closest friends and ‘baby brother’ and the pressure of the day had let him slip her mind. But the others had reassured her that Joe had seemed nothing more than tired during the time they had waited in the library and seemed even better for the night’s sleep. Twilight Sparkle turned to face the three flying chariots. “Thank you all again,” she said, dismissing them, “We hope you have a safe flight back to Canterlot.”)
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Ah, many thanks. I was very much confused.
Holy shit! A 40k word dump just as I was about to finish!
You never cease to amaze me.
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Princess Celestia does not blame Joe for existing and nor does she blame him for his presence. You can be concerned about something without blaming it personally for causing that concern. Perhaps I had taken Joe too far towards being a ‘punching bag’ but he’s meant to be a rather normal rather quiet sort of person, as I said in the description the sort to keep his head down and try to get along. A background-pony human rather than a Mane 6 human. And the major flaw of the story you see has held it back, past tense, as I’ve finished.
Comments by you and the other people I’ve annoyed have been appreciated. Sometimes a touch baffling as (despite the assurances of ‘well written’) things are read differently than I intended, but nonetheless appreciated. Thank you for reading.
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No problem.
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Yes I do, because I’ve finished. Despite the temptation to go one more day, or at least as far as breakfast, for semi-comedic aftermath and banter.
"She still didn’t think Joe was as nice as Winona, who’d have put her belly on the ground and given soulful puppy-eyes at being told off, but maybe he was nice enough."
I tried to give this story another chance but you seem to have a way in making me truly hate these characters.... they truly think him as nothing more than a animal.... no, less than one according to fluttershy. And this guy simply has no dignity at all, or any backbone to stand up for himself. Thats the final nail in this coffin of a story for me.
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So, let me get this straight. You quote that he didn’t react like Winona, that he didn’t grovel to the formidable angry old lady, as proof that he has no backbone or dignity?
Ignoring a previous sentence of:
“He acted like any Pony does when I tell them off,” nodded Granny Smith.
And a later exchange of:
“Scaring her?” replied Joe, returning the look. He’d not been willing to defend his actions of the day before, but either the Cider or the nature of the warning made him less willing to tolerate this. They locked eyes for several seconds until Granny Smith nodded.
“Ah’m not going to apologise,” Granny Smith said grudgingly, “but I will admit that was unfair.”
Ah sod it though. You don’t like the story, you don’t like the character, and you do deserve a thanks for reading and for giving it another go. So thanks.
Good job, its a good story and you did well in showing what joe would have done.
As for your future plans personally i preferred the story you made rather than the one you inserted joe into. and if you were to continue rather than continuing to include him in the shows adventures you could have him have his and include them.
Either way you have done well, and this is a good ending as is. thanks for sharing.
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As for your future plans personally I preferred the story you made rather than the one you inserted Joe into, and if you were to continue rather than continuing to include him in the show’s adventures you could have him have his and include them.
My attitude was that Equestria Girls was too perfect a test and lesson for Twilight Sparkle so either something Joe can’t be involved in at all or if he is involved he can’t derail. It did seem there was a way for Joe to resolve some of his own issues so first came the idea of how to limit his options and then the idea of whose fix to the plans that was.
On the other hand it was uncomfortable and didn’t feel like it was working as well as Trials and Tribbleations since was only ‘meanwhile elsewhere, sometimes’ rather than a proper parallel plotline. Joe did help a lot with Twilight Sparkle’s plan… unfortunately that was the one she had to abandon so that left him and Spike approaching being Statler and Waldorf. And Joe skirting the edges between fair IC comment and nitpicking.
I don’t so much want him to be involved in the show’s adventures as to know whether he should be involved in an episode, be completely uninvolved, or if I had an idea for a parallel plotline. And although I have a few ideas noted down I do need to another story done first.
Have an alternate-scene.
==
“She has us!” declared Rainbow Dash as she and the other girls rushed forward to join their friend.
“Does she?” Sunset Shimmer purred, “and what exactly do you think you have?”
She gathered her magic, she had parted so many friends from each other, threatened Twilight Sparkle with the consequences of letting the people here know she didn’t belong, and now she had this power she could indulge her skill and show this interfering Alicorn she should have paid heed. The power crackled between Sunset Shimmer’s hands for a moment and then triple forked lightning struck from her, a prong striking each of the three interlopers from Equestria before anyone could react. She savoured Twilight Sparkle’s convulsions as her form shifted and she returned to her true appearance.
Twilight Sparkle took a few deep breaths as she tried to adjust to the sudden change and stared down at her hooves. Wait, hooves… she gave a tiny experimental flap… wings as well, which meant…
“Yeah,” scoffed Rainbow Dash. “Pony Princess from another world, exactly what we thought.”
“What?” Sunset Shimmer began in disbelief. Where was the instant rejection? The horror at who, what, they had befriended?
Then a streak of purple magic slammed into her gut and drove her back in the air before she could compensate. Sunset Shimmer coughed and realised she’d been lucky she was in mid air so being pushed back had taken some of the impact, but had to hurriedly raise a hand and deflect a second bolt. Perhaps turning a human with no magic back into an Alicorn with immense power had not been such a good idea.
“Be fair, darling,” commented Rarity. “We thought Pony, rather than being quite so magical looking.”
Twilight Sparkle glared at Sunset Shimmer, planted her delightfully returned hooves, and sent a third attack, this one aimed at the ground beneath her foe to send dirt and rocks up at her rather than being a direct attack.
Then things got even worse for Sunset Shimmer as a roar came from one side and she finally turned her attention to what the true form of that purple dog had been. She’d expected a Dragon and she’d got one, but what was unexpected was that in his heart Spike was the ferocious fire-breathing Dragon that he had claimed to be to try to impress the Rarity here. And every bit as magnificent in spirit as the Equestria Rarity had assured him. Of more pertinence to Sunset Shimmer was that he was at least ten times as long from nose to tail as she’d seen while stealing the crown, though much slimmer built, and as he roared again his eyes were almost level with hers despite the fact she was flying.
Spike took a deep breath and exhaled and fire curved around Sunset Shimmer’s hastily erected bubble shield.
“Careful Spike, people behind her,” Twilight Sparkle warned, loosing another bolt of magic while Sunset Shimmer could see nothing but flames.
“Sorry Twilight,” rumbled Spike, rising to his hind feet.
==
But the problem with this was that although you can still get back to magic of friendship, and it does resolve Spike’s body-image problems, what do I do to Joe? Making him just him seemed anti-climactic, making him awesome superpowered seemed against the run of normal. Though in some ways it would be pretty awesome to just calmly go ‘hmm, got hands again, armour is back, check back, got bow and arrows, stab spear into ground, string bow…” and get on with making Sunset Shimmer a pincushion.
Aaagh.
So I start on the sequel to a different story and the lack of views compared with another I was also posting chapter by chapter bothers me. Meanwhile I have an increasingly more detailed plan for the sequel to this and the siren call of “you know… it won’t make it any more awkward if you extend the timeline another week. You wouldn’t have any more problems getting things back to having the background-pony-human not affecting things significantly and doing things off-camera if you took it as far as that…”
So after a brief diversion into plotting a proper-AU, until I realised I preferred the actual series opener, I seem to be working on the sequel for this. At least to the end of the first week and at least to get plans converted to vignettes, and hope that purging those thoughts will let me concentrate on the other story. Of course before I can get to the end of the first week I need to get to the end of the first day.
EDIT: Owww... the little "space out the Joe parts" vignettes add up. Especially when the four Princesses get chatting and I make up some history. Seemed fair to say what the others were doing as they aren't up to their normal routine, but been a long first day.
Summaries for sequel:
Short-
Her counterpart thought you were an ‘awesome dog’, but now your marefriend seems to be trying to make you an ‘awesome human’… while you are still trying for ‘sort of harmless.’
Long-
When you wake up naked in a strange bed you can feel uncertain. But when your visit to another world has let you realise Equestria is home, the bed is only strange because you’re staying at the Castle in the Crystal Empire, and the ‘talking horsie’ you see is your marefriend things seem a lot better than they did months ago in Canterlot. Even if she does smack you in the head with a padded hoof in the morning when she suggests sparring practice, and doesn’t seem as pleased as you were that you managed to come not too far fourth with more sparring in the afternoon.
But perhaps you’d have had more chance of returning your life towards quiet and uneventful if you’d not gone along with all her suggestions of how your exercise and training could be improved, and if it didn’t seem like she wanted to show off the results.
Having found a story where Sabaton and other heavy metal defeat Princess Celestia I think I'll make this reply to myself.
This is what Joe would cite as an example of Tanks being fast and popping "wheelies" (about 1 minute 30 seconds):
And this is what he got caught listening to, since Sabaton probably stil exist even on a world with blue and purple and green people:
Now to vanish again for a while.
im only this far in the story and I already want to smack twilight multiple times
She's just a bit peeved. Doesn't think much of Joe and definitely doesn't think much of endangering the Cutie Mark Crusaders or Spike and Pinkie Pie. She and Joe never get on that well, he's nowhere near as smart as her but they are similar enough to clash and Joe doesn't make much effort to overcome that. His priority was making Fluttershy happier with him and figuring out what the hell to do about events in Chapter 16.
Not sure about wanting to smack her though.
Thanks for reading.
I'm kind of off put by this story so far because of a few issues that could have been cleaned up with a simple re-read or editing. I've noticed quite a few problems with the flow of the story, run on sentences, sentences where you forgot to finish what you were writing, and A LOT of sentence padding. Your spellings pretty good and grammar isn't too bad on the plus side.
I'm going to keep reading but it would be strongly advisable to get a pre-reader/editor from on of the many groups here on fimfiction for future writing
I'm going to point out horses do in fact sweat