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Queen Chrysalis's Changeling Swarm2,755 stories ·3,971 members
This tale follows the memoirs of a Mother whose daughter's greed and lust for love endangers her entire Kingdom. She is left with no choice but to choose between her daughter or the people she ruled for so long.
Co Authored by Admiral Stoic Rum
Cover art by Inuhoshi-to-Darkpen on deviant art
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That was really sad yet amazing at the same time!
Awesome job!
2953490
Thanks, the two of us really wanted to make tgis backstory touching.
HOLY SHIT!! thas was really good bro looks like you truely have found a calling bravo
So Chrysalis was a crystal pony once-what an original backstory for her.
2954979
Thanks, but I couldn't have done this one alone.
2955117
I was a little worried about messing with peoples head cannon, but I guess it wasn't an issue after all.
Now THIS was the kind of fleshed out story I was thinking about when I first read the short on the group page. Excellent work, well done, 10/10!
2957129
I knew Alex's short had so much potential. I had to do it.
NEW LIKE!
2957284
Thanks! And thanks for the watch too! Ill take a look at your work.
This is, as far as I know, a unique concept; so props for that right from the start. Apart from a few (very few) spelling mistakes I cannot fault the writing. The emotions seem real and the characters are well written. As I said before, very few errors are noticeable; only one really drew my eye:
The race of the pony does not need to be capitalised, nor does his gender. In my eyes this is a very well written piece of fanfiction and deserves more attention than it currently has.
2996517
Thanks, ill fix that. As for attention, there isn't much more I can do to promote it. This seems to be the fate of most one shots here, no matter how well written.
Did you want me to review anything, btw?
2996604
I would appreciate a review on this story, but don't feel obligated to give me one.
2996626
Roger
2996643
Thanks.
2999867
Thanks for the first real criticism, I appreciate it. Ill have a better response when I'm not so busy. Just know that the story actually stretches out for a long period of time, until the daughter is of age. Also, the artist doesn't want to make the queen Chrysalis, necessarily, so that's why we never used a name. Ill fix all the errors you found, so thanks for that as, well.
2999867
Also, Il finish reading yours tonight
Just noticed something in the description:
"Who's" should be changed to whose.
3005628thanks, fixing
I am Kalash93 of Authors Helping Authors with a review for your story.
Grammatik: 8 -- It's mostly good. However, author, you need commas for direct addresses.
Pros:
1. The method of storytelling is quite interesting and somewhat unorthodox.
2. We finally get to know where Chrysalis came from.
3. I was engaged to the end.
Cons:
1. The narrative was disjointed.
2. That ending was incredibly obvious.
3. I could not identify with anyone.
Comments:
I like the method you used for storytelling. You told only of little episodes in a sort of diary format. This is something I seldom see anywhere, and it was doubtlessly refreshing to me to read a story that stands out in that regard. The second thing I like is that you came up with an origin story for Queen Chrysalis. Out of all the fics dealing with her, this is the first one that I remember actually giving her an origin story other than spontaneously emerging out of nowhere, presumably created by the combined wishes of clop writers to make one character who can fill any niche, and hack drama writers who are too lazy to come up with villains that aren't predisposed to completely destroy the world. You turned Chrysalis into a tragic character, which is a much better way of handling the character than most writers even attempt. Not only does this make her a more interesting and relatable character, but it also makes her redeemable, which is something I would like to see explored at some point. Also, congratulations for writing a story with the tragedy tag that is actually a tragedy brought about through a character flaw. Lastly, this story was entertaining to the end. I certainly did not want to stop at any point, nor did I wish for booze, nor did I feel tempted to take a break. You have written something that is at least a decent diversion, and if a reader wants a quick piece delving into the history of the changelings and of Chrysalis, then they can certainly do far worse than this. Now, your narrative was disjointed. Your method, while unusual, does have the rather pressing problem of lending itself to creating a very disjointed narrative. To say that it all seems to drunkenly lurch around is how I would best describe the experience of following the story. I would say that that you perhaps needed more scenes and stages, because it, particularly its character arc, seemed to stagnate for a while before suddenly plunging into its climax like a precariously perched bottle on a shelf. I wish that your ending was less obvious. There's strong foreshadowing, and then there's practically pointing with a big neon sign and shouting that something is going to befall them because they constantly want others to love them. This did not take away from the impact of the ending, but it certainly did nothing to help. By the way, your character tags were spoileriffic to the extreme. The final issue I have with your story is that I could not relate to any of the characters. The father was pretty much just a plot point. I have no idea what it's like to be a mother. Chrysalis was princess demandypants to a degree that made her almost completely unsympathetic, which undermined the tragedy element. The rest of the characters aren't so much characters as they are plot devices.
All in all, your fic was fine, though it did have some pretty deep flaws. For ambition, as well as an engaging narrative, you win 6/10 flutteryays, which is just a hair above the average, which is 5/10 flutteryays.
Could you please read and review my story, You Obey ( URL: http://www.fimfiction.net/story/119688/you-obey )? Thank you.
I hope you enjoyed your review.
3042888
Thanks for the review, I responded in a pm
3028473
You're right. It is a bit rushed, and it was a learning experience for the both of us.
3042888
Thank you so much for the full on content review. this is the kind of thing we've been looking for in a review.
3100569
what do you mean? yours was also appreciated, has tracer not read your story yet?
3100569
I've read it, in just very busy, ill write it tomorrow
3100569>>3101256
I'm sorry it seems like I dropped the ball, but admral rum can verify, I've been in the field constanty over the last few weeks. I read it, and gave it a like and a fav, I'll let you know why as soon as possible
3102692
This true