The Titans' Orb

by Mister Horncastle

Chapter Twelve: Ponies on a Plane

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“And then, just a couple months after reforming Mister D, Princess Celestia sent us all this big crazy letter, ordering us to come to Canterlot right away as there was some big emergency! She talked to us for hours, telling us all about the Titans’ Orb and about the mean old demigod who sent it to Earth. Then she told us all about Earth! Ooh! Ooh! Do you want to hear about Earth?”

It had been a very long hour. Pinkie Pie had legitimately told me her entire life story, from birth to the reforming of Discord the Draconequus, and now, she was approaching present day. This was the part I was most interested in, as it was the moment where the events from the show came to an end, deviating instead to this anomalous earthly frontier. The others were bored out of their wits; Applejack had even drifted off to sleep.

“I um, regret suggesting this…” Fluttershy sighed.

“You made this bed, now we lie in it.” I laughed, “Yes Pinkie, I would love to hear about Earth.”

Breaking into a huge grin, she told me everything the Princess had presented them with when it came to the location of their mission. It was far less than I had expected, with the bulk of Celestia’s presentation just being about our geography, warning the girls that depending on where the Orb fragments had landed, they may find themselves travelling to icy tundras, scorching deserts, or humid rainforests.

{Well, with Brazil being the first destination, she got that last one right.} I mused to myself.

Things did get interesting though, as Pinkie talked about how they had been presented with My Little Pony, and how they’d all reacted to learning that an alien race knew of them all, by way of a loosely interpreted cartoon. As Rarity had said yesterday, the thought of being watched by millions of mysterious eyes had given Fluttershy one hell of a panic attack, but thankfully, they soon came to terms with it. Following that, I learned that the Princess had come to Earth personally to search the world for worthy candidates, humans which she deemed eligible for guiding the girls on their journey. For reasons beyond anyone’s knowledge, I had been chosen, and it sent shivers down my spine to think that I had been secretly observed by the goddess herself.

“How are you still listening to all this?” Rainbow Dash moaned sleepily.

“Because it’s interesting, and I’m learning stuff I didn’t know before.” I replied with a grin.

“Fair enough…” she yawned.

Pinkie continued, rocking from side to side as she excitedly neared the conclusion to her life story.

“After telling us how important the mission was, the Princess took Twilight away to her chambers and gave her a really big pep talk in private, they were gone for ages! Once they got back, we were given our saddlebags, and then she used a great big shiny spell, and then bam, we were here! We went behind that big shed in your garden and set up camp, with Twilight getting an invisibility field underway. Then we just kind of chilled out for two weeks, watching you and studying you. Oh, and there were a couple of times when Twilight was able to cast her monitoring spell on you, that was a lot of fun. Seeing the world through your eyes was so cool, but sadly it never lasted too long because of that mean old lady.”

Referring of course to how Janice had beat me so often, everyone looked at me solemnly. I however, was more concerned about what they had seen while looking through my eyes.

“What exactly did you see with that monitoring spell?” I asked nervously.

“Oh, nothing much.” she confessed, “Just bits of your day-to-day, you know? Waking up and getting out of bed, eating and drinking, interacting with your family, stuff like that. Most of the time we just saw you writing messages to people and playing games on your laptop thingy, that Spore game looked really funky! Hm, what else? Oh yeah! We also saw you boxing on both of the Wednesdays and Fridays, now that was cool to watch! Blam! Slam! Pap! Ding ding!”

She sprung up and started boxing the air, imitating my sparring sessions.

{Did they, uh… watch me going to the bathroom and stuff then?} I thought with a hint of dread.

As though she could read my mind, Rarity put my mind at ease by assuring me that out of respect for my privacy, all six of them had agreed not to observe me whenever I entered the bathroom.

“Wait, we actually agreed to that?” said Rainbow Dash, pulling a guilty expression.

“Uhh…” I rumbled fearfully, raising my eyebrows.

“I’m kidding! I’m kidding!” she promised, breaking into a laugh “Oh my gosh, you should see your face!”

Playfully lunging forward, I attempted to seize the pegasus, who hopped away from me and giggled maniacally. We settled back down, and I asked Pinkie to proceed with her story.

“Alright, well… your little Chilli doggy came and found us and started barking like crazy! We all got scared you’d find us, and then Twilight panicked and zapped her. It was so mean, the poor thing ran away yelping, and then you came out looking for her. I wanted to come and show you where she was, but Twilight told me not to move. Eventually you found her and went back inside, and then that very same night, you overheard us and gave us all a big scare by coming to say hello! You know the rest, so unless you want to hear about yesterday again, that’s it, the end! Sixteen years of my life, been and gone!”

Everyone let out sighs of relief, while I was stuck staring at Pinkie Pie doing a double take. Did I hear that right? Surely not… was she really only sixteen?

“Um, how many years did you say?” I asked, wanting clarification.

“Sixteeny-weeny! I’ll be seventeen in a few months!” she chirped.

“You’ll only be seventeen on this planet.” Twilight pointed out, “Time’s moving so slowly back home that it’s practically frozen, you’ll still legally be sixteen once we get back.”

“Huh, that’s crazy.” Pinkie squeaked before letting out a gasp, “Hey, does that mean when we go home, I’ll be younger again?”

“No, but I’m sure the Princess will sort all that out when we get back.” the unicorn hummed, “She’ll know what to do, she always knows what to do.”

With the subject of time distortion at hand, Twilight took the opportunity to solidify the point, and suggested that the girls all disregarded their birthdays while they were here, along with any other important dates. With how out of sync time was between our world and this one, it wasn’t worth getting their ages and such muddled up.

“Again, I’m sure the Princess will know how to sort it out once we get back.” she finalised.

Pursing my lips, I sat there in deep thought as I took a moment to process all the information I had been given. I now knew a fair amount more about the real Equestria, but crazier than that, I had learned that Pinkie was only sixteen years of age, meaning that I was older than her!

{Didn’t see that one coming…} I thought to myself.

That was when a new question was birthed into my mind; how old were the others? If they were all in their teens like Pinkie was, then the Equestria Girls film made more sense, as their humanoid counterparts were all at high school, but who could really say what was fact or fiction now? That humanesque mirror-world could very simply not exist, with Equestria Girls being nothing more than a man-made extension by Hasbro so they could sell more toys. Either way, I was very surprised to learn of Pinkie’s age, and yearned to know everypony else’s.

“Dude, are you alright?” asked Rainbow Dash, prodding me.

With a jolt, I realised that I had been staring at Pinkie for a good while without saying anything. I blinked my eyes rapidly for a second and then looked at the pegasus.

“Hmm? Ah! Oh-hoh! Forgive me, I was absorbed in thought…” I replied innocently.

“What were you thinking about?” asked Applejack, having woken up, “You were zoned out for a while there.”

“I was just processing Pinkie's life story, along with how old she is.” I answered honestly, “I have to admit, I wasn’t expecting her to be this young.”

“Well, how old did you think she was?”

Shrugging, I told Applejack that I hadn’t really predicted her to be any age in particular, only that it wouldn’t be so young as sixteen. Considering she lived with Mister and Missus cake, paying rent to them by way of working at Sugarcube Corner, I had expected her to at least be eighteen. Humming with understanding, Rarity joined in on the conversation, yet again seeming to read my thoughts.

“Well, I’m guessing you would like to know how old the rest of us are, hm?”

“One should never ask a lady her age.” I replied with a smirk, “But now you mention it, I must admit I’m curious.”

At that, Rarity placed a hoof to her chest and sighed heavily.

“Oh I do appreciate a fellow who knows his manners… You most certainly know how to conduct yourself around a lady, Mister Horncastle!”

I grinned sheepishly, while Rainbow Dash and Applejack rolled their eyes and pulled faces of mockery towards the unicorn’s more elegant standards. Rarity ignored them and cleared her throat, and then tended to my curious mind.

“Well, to start with myself as the oldest member of this little company, I am twenty-five. Applejack is twenty-five as well, and the rude little pegasus who thinks I can’t see her sneering beside me, is twenty-one.”

Rainbow Dash, who was indeed sneering, ceased her tomfoolery and grinned at me. Before Rarity could continue, Fluttershy let off a small sneeze, with the feathers on her wings puffing out as she did so. She then sneezed a second time, and it was even cuter than the last. Being wholly unable to resist, I clutched at my chest, creasing up at the adorable sight.

“Hnng…” I groaned quietly as I leaned forward, crumpling into myself.

“What is it? What’s wrong?” Rarity asked worriedly.

At first, there was concern over a legitimate injury, a fear that perhaps that buck from Twilight had damaged something internally. I quelled their worries with haste, as I pointed at the yellow pegasus and murmured her name.

“Fluttershy…”

“Um, what… what about me?” she squeaked anxiously.

“That sneeze…” I wheezed, “So… freaking… cute!”

I then flopped onto my side and pretended to die, and the group erupted into laughter, with Fluttershy covering her face with embarrassment. Pinkie Pie however, seemed to genuinely think I was dying from cardiac arrest. She pounced on me and started to literally punch me in the chest in a bid to revive me.

“Callum! We’ve been through this! You can’t die yet! Don’t go into the light! Don’t go into the light!” she wailed at the top of her lungs.

Being completely unprepared for the sudden assault, I was sent into a coughing fit and flailed around madly, desperately trying to get the pink pony to stop attacking me. This only made the girls laugh even harder.

“I’m okay Pinkie! I’m okay!” I squealed, batting away her forelimbs and cackling.

“I saved you!” she squealed, “Guys, did you see that? I saved him!”

“You sure did, Pinks!” Rainbow Dash cheered with a hint of sarcasm.

“And quite possibly broke my damn ribs…” I croaked, sitting up.

Pinkie wrapped her forelimbs around me and hugged me emotionally, still believing that she had actually saved my life. Rarity, still giggling, asked if I would like her to continue, to which I nodded.

“Where was I? Ah yes, Rainbow Dash is twenty-one. Well, Twilight turned twenty just a few weeks ago, and Fluttershy is seventeen, exactly a year older than Pinkie, who as you now know, is the youngest at sixteen.”

There was certainly a bigger age gap than I had imagined, but I supposed it sort of made sense, especially with Rarity and Applejack being older; their demeanours had always been more mature, even in the show. As I took in how old the girls really were, there was one thing on my mind that didn’t sit quite right with me… why had Princess Celestia sent them all here? Or at least, why had she opted to send Pinkie Pie? Who in their right mind would send a sixteen-year-old on such a dangerous mission? Especially one that took place on an alien world, and without an armed escort at that? As much as the girls were capable, it surely wouldn’t have killed Celestia to send a few royal guards to find the Orb. Perhaps the Princess had valid reasons, but until I heard them, I wasn’t wholly convinced that she had done the right thing by sending these girls.

“Are you quite alright?” Rarity asked me, having noticed my pondering, “You’re zoning out again, dear.”

I hummed, and then nodded my head.

“Sorry, I’m just trying to wrap my head around everything. You have to understand, just forty-eight hours ago, the six of you were nothing more than cartoon characters to me. I think you’re all amazing, really I do, but I think my brain’s struggling to catch up at times.”

Rarity dipped her head and said that she totally understood. Pinkie Pie then quite innocently asked if I had expected everyone to be older or something, to which I professed that I did.

“Why’s that?”

“I guess it’s because you’re all so independent.” I explained with a shrug, “Applejack runs a farm that supplies food to your whole town, and Rarity is running the Carousel Boutique, supplying garments to ponies across the whole nation! Here on Earth, living alone and running a business is considered very grown up, so I just expected you all to be in your mid-to-late twenties.”

Everyone seemed to understand, and it became clear that my surprise was more cultural than anything else. Hoping to draw a comparison, Rarity asked when humans were expected to enter the working world, which I answered to the best of my personal knowledge.

“It depends on the job.” I said, “From the age of thirteen, kids can start part-time work, but it can’t be during school hours. Even then, it’s usually only the most trivial of jobs, like delivering newspapers around the neighbourhood, you know? It doesn’t pay much at all, but it’s a good introduction to the concept of work.”

The more I spoke, the more I started emphasising my words with hand movements and body language, and I soon found myself coming to life like never before. I had always struggled to have lengthy conversations with people; my social anxiety would end up getting too much, and I would recede into my shell. With the girls however, I felt an odd sense of calmness. Talking to them like this was scratching a social itch that I didn’t even know I had, and so I eagerly continued educating them.

“Once you’re sixteen, you can work in retail and a few other jobs, but only at minimum wage. As soon as you turn eighteen, you’re legally an adult and can begin working full-time. But running a business? Or moving away from your parents to live in full independence? Or both for that matter? Nah man, that kind of thing doesn’t happen for most people until their late twenties, sometimes even their thirties!”

There came a murmur of interest, and I looked to see Twilight looking at me, keenly listening. It came as a pleasant surprise, and I hoped that the subject could continue, which thankfully, Rarity allowed it to.

“Hmm, well from everything you’ve said, I would say it’s not too dissimilar to the way things work in Equestria. Though I will say, our world gets the ball rolling a little sooner than yours.”

“Oh, go on?” I replied, gesturing for her to continue.

“Well, foals tend to learn things rather quickly, often picking up their first words within a few months, and speaking coherent sentences in about a year. They start school from the age of three, though late bloomers may start a year later. Education then ensues for eleven years, at which point they’ll graduate and either go into the working world, or go to college to study a more complex subject. Essentially, standard education stops for most ponies between the ages of fourteen and fifteen. You also mentioned humans being considered an adult at age eighteen? Well in Equestria, that’s sixteen, so though this may be difficult for you to grasp, Pinkie is in fact an adult.”

“Huh, go figure…” I murmured.

It seemed that ponies grew up faster than humans did, even if not by much. In essence, Pinkie was actually more along the lines of eighteen by human standards, which allowed things to make a whole lot more sense. Still, there was no way that I would have been ready for work at just fourteen years old, I was seventeen now and still hadn’t been able to find any work! Although with that said, I was technically employed now, serving as a field guide and bodyguard, it just so happened that my payment was in a less corporeal form of currency. Though memories held no material value, they would be all I needed, and thus, with the long road ahead, this adventure would undoubtedly see me the richest man on Earth; arguably, I already was…

I then began to wonder what age I must be in pony-years, speaking hypothetically of course. On a mental front, due to a slower development, I supposed that as a pony, I would be a little younger right now, being closer to that of a fifteen-year-old in that respect. Had I calculated that correctly? Perhaps I was older by their standards? If sixteen was the age of pony adulthood, then as a seventeen-year-old, surely they saw me as a little older than I perceived myself. Was I more of a nineteen-year-old in their eyes? I didn’t know, and honestly, the more I thought about it, the more confusing it became.

Humming to myself, I found yet again that I was zoning out, distracted by the seething mass of ponderous thoughts inside my head; it seemed that with every new fact I learned about Equestria, several new questions came with it. Hearing Pinkie’s life story had been wonderful, but my brain was clearly struggling to make heads or tails of all the new information.

Fluttershy then yawned and wiggled over to Applejack, evidently tired. She shuffled delicately from side to side as she tried to subtly drag herself over to the farm pony and rest against her. AJ took notice and rolled her eyes, reaching over to seize the pegasus and allow her to rest against her. Seeing something so wholesome was almost enough to make me emotional, and it took great restraint to stop myself from physically clutching my chest again; I probably would have, if not for the fear of Pinkie trying to revive me.

Yawning, I realised that I was rather exhausted too, which made sense. These past forty-eight hours had been insane, and thanks to Fluttershy’s atrociously small bladder, I hadn’t had the most restful sleep in the world.

{How is she going to survive the rest of this flight?} I wondered.

Rolling my eyes, I decided that I ought to have a little nap. I requested my pillow from Rainbow Dash’s bag, and upon retrieving it, I went over to the suitcases to lie on them, using some of the softer ones as something of a makeshift mattress. Getting as comfortable as possible, I tried to get some rest.

It had been half an hour, and even though I was tired, I still hadn’t been able to sleep. The innumerable thoughts that swam around my head were the main culprit, though the plane’s noise certainly hadn’t helped either. With noise in mind, I genuinely couldn’t decide what was louder, the aeroplane’s engines, or Pinkie’s non-stop talking as she yammered on to her friends. I was about to give up on sleeping and get up, when I heard Rainbow Dash being up to no good.

“Hey Rare, I’ve got an idea…”

“I bet you do.” she replied, sensing the pegasus’ mischief.

“How about you sneak over to Callum, and use that dye spell of yours to turn his hair green?”

My brow sprung up but my eyes remained closed, and I didn’t move. I wanted to hear Rarity’s reaction before I chose to react, and thankfully, it would seem that I could remain unbothered.

“Goodness no!” she gasped, “What makes you think I would do such a thing?”

“Why not? It would be funny as heck!” Dashie asked, still chuckling at the idea.

“What if you made it pink instead?” Pinkie giggled.

At that, Rarity emitted an exasperated sigh.

“The colour doesn’t matter, you buffoon! For starters, it would be cruel, and secondly, we still barely know him! Having a laugh together is one thing, but unsolicited practical jokes would be taking it much too far, especially at such an early stage in our relationship with him!”

Puckering my lips and tilting my head slightly in agreement, it was nice to hear a dash of common sense from one of the girls. Even if I had been selected by Celestia as their guide, and that I was of course, no threat to them, it still remained adamantly true that one shouldn’t play practical jokes on people they weren’t close to.

“Pfft, come on.” Rainbow said dismissively, hoping to sway her, “Okay sure, we’ve not known him for long, but he’s clearly chill enough to take a joke.”

“That doesn’t mean we should play such a joke.” Rarity insisted, “He’s a nice fellow, and I don’t wish to tarnish his view of me because you’re bored and want to make others suffer for it.”

“Ugh… you’re so lame.”

Rainbow then switched tactics, and had the gall to suggest Rarity was just afraid of me because of how I had threatened Twilight earlier.

“Oh don’t be so ridiculous!” Rarity scoffed, “And for what it’s worth, even if that threat had been real, Twilight’s been practically gagging for a good hiding with the way she’s been. But for what it’s worth, I believe he was bluffing, and I would like to think I’m a good judge of character.”

I then heard Applejack inserting herself into the conversation, clearly not too happy.

“Bluffing or not, threats of violence ain’t okay, certainly not to one of our friends. I’m sure he was bluffing, but it ain’t like he wouldn’t be capable of seeing it through. I don’t want to see anyone getting hurt.”

“Oh, but she gets a free pass to attack him?” Rainbow Dash growled.

“When did I say that, huh?” AJ retorted, “What Twilight did wasn’t okay, but Callum said he can take it, so to grab her by the mane like he did and threaten her like that? Well, let’s just say I’m a little on the fence about him.”

Wiggling my jaw with irritation, I knew she was right. For as much as Twilight had crossed a line, I had crossed one too. Gulping, I listened on as Applejack insisted that she didn’t think that I was a bad guy, but she was a little worried about what I might be capable of, just as Twilight had warned.

“Celestia sent us to him because of what he’s capable of.” Rainbow Dash argued, “Do you really think she’d send us to him if he was a threat to us?”

“That’s a good point.” Rarity hummed, “Besides, can you really blame him for having enough of Twilight’s antics? The verbal abuse was bad enough, but that attack of hers was completely inexcusable. If anything, it probably set off something of a trauma response. Think about it, his mother beat him, his brother beat him, and his only outlet was to fight other humans in that boxing business of his. I think Rainbow’s absolutely right, if Callum was going to knock some sense into Twilight, he would have done so already.”

“Ugh, guess you have a point.” AJ mumbled.

“Speaking of boxing.” Dashie chuckled, “Remember that match we got to watch last week? That uppercut was crazy! I haven’t seen a smack like that since the fight at the Wonderbolt Academy!”

It was clear that she was trying to shift the subject, though with how tense the talk had been, everyone was more than happy to let her, with Pinkie asking what had happened at the Academy. Eager to brag about her newfound place as a Wonderbolt trainee, Rainbow Dash jumped to her hooves, and soon enough, it was as though the conversation about me hadn’t even happened.

“Oh yeah, it was a full-on beat-down… So basically, this asshole of a pony tried to hit on Soarin’s sister, and when she rejected him, the guy tried to blackmail her into getting with him. When that didn’t work, he straight up threatened to hurt her if she didn’t sleep with him.”

“That’s… awful!” Fluttershy gasped.

“Oh don’t worry, he got what was coming to him.” Dashie assured her, “She went and told Soarin about what happened, and he went and beat the guy up in front of everypony in the mess hall!”

“Goodness, that sounds utterly dreadful.” Rarity tutted, “But still, I’m glad the cretin got his comeuppance! Did Soarin get into trouble?”

“Nope! Spitfire came in and demanded to know what was going on, and Soarin told her everything, with his sister there backing him up. After hearing the explanation, she kept a totally straight face, went to the other guy and helped him up. And then, without a word, she turned around and bucked him square in the jaw!”

“Damn!” said Applejack.

“Was he hurt?” Pinkie asked.

“Uh, heck yeah he was! Knocked him out cold and put him in hospital.”

“I mean, as much as he deserved it, wasn’t Spitfire out of line for doing that?” Rarity speculated, “Surely she got in some sort of trouble with her higher ups?”

“Not at all.” said Rainbow, “In fact, she was given a commendation for upholding the core principles of the Wonderbolts. You see, we’re not just an elite team of fliers, the Wonderbolts are a family, a band of brothers and sisters who protect their own! If you lay a hoof on a Wonderbolt, you’d better disappear, because before too long, we’ll all be on our way to tear your ass up so badly, you’ll shit sideways!”

At that, Rarity loudly cleared her throat.

“Well darling, that was a most gripping insight to the Wonderbolts, thank you for sharing. If only you hadn’t ruined it with foul language.”

“Foul language?” she echoed, “I only said ‘shit’, it’s not like I said fu-”

“I don’t need an example, Rainbow Dash!”

“Alright, jeez!”

Disgruntled, Rarity picked herself up and came over to the suitcases to find a more comfortable spot to rest. At this point, I had completely given up on the prospect of sleeping, and pretended to wake up.

“What’d I miss?” I mumbled.

“Oh, you’re awake.” said Rarity, dipping her head. “Sorry if I woke you, I was trying to preserve Pinkie’s ears from yet another uncouth language-based incident with Rainbow Dash.”

“Is it too early in our relationship for me to say I’m not surprised?” I teased.

She laughed at that, and then without warning, the whole aircraft started to shake, it grew more and more intense until some of the upper suitcases began to fall down, Pinkie jumped up and latched onto a metal bar at the top of the cargo hold, giggling as she shook.

“What’s happening?” Twilight barked.

“Just a bit of turbulence, this happens quite a lot on flights.” I assured her.

A hard plastic suitcase fell down and smacked right into Rainbow Dash’s face, causing her to cry out loudly and jump back into me. I was knocked off balance and tripped over a suitcase, knocking the back of my head against the wall of the cargo hold.

“Good heavens! Are you okay?” Rarity bleated, rushing over to check on me.

“Ugh, never better. That's turbulence for you…”

Grimacing, I rubbed at the blunt pain at the back of my head. I then looked over at Rainbow Dash to see the poor thing clutching at her muzzle, her hooves now lightly doused in blood. That suitcase had hit her hard. The sight of pony blood caused me to completely freeze up, for it was the first time that I truly realised that not only were these ponies real, but they were mortal; that was to say, they could be killed. Thankfully, Fluttershy rushed to the scene and seemed to know exactly what to do, instructing Rainbow to tilt her head forward and to breathe through her mouth.

“Um, Fluttershy? I swear you’re supposed to put your head back, not forward.” Applejack pointed out.

“That’s a common mistake.” the pegasus corrected, “Nosebleeds, especially ones caused by physical trauma, always start at the top of the inner nose, closer to the nostrils. If you tilt your head back, it bleeds for longer and goes down your throat, and that can cause choking.”

I stared at the yellow pony in astonishment as she raced to her bag and retrieved some gauze, and then gave it to Dashie without an ounce of anxiety. I had expected Fluttershy to be the worst among the group to handle something like this, and yet here she was, calmly and effectively sorting it out. Her course in nursing and part-time work at the Ponyville hospital had certainly paid off, for despite her extreme social anxiety, Fluttershy seemed to possess the ability to spring into action whenever a medical situation needed tending to. It was nothing short of a superpower considering how she normally was. Following her example, I pushed aside the shock of seeing the blood and came over to Rainbow Dash, asking her if she was alright, all things considered of course.

“Ugh, yeah I’ll be fine…” she grumbled, “It doesn’t hurt that bad, it just… just… ah… AH-CHOO!”

Sneezing violently, Rainbow Dash sprayed blood all over my right leg, adding more stains to my already-blemished jeans, which still bore the blood from yesterday’s leg wound.

“Charming.” I said blankly.

“Oh shit, sorry dude…” she chuckled, “Well, at least that already had your blood on it, right?”

“Yeah, I suppose.”

“Heh, now our blood can be friends!”

I scoffed loudly, taken off-guard by that. Rarity then let out a shameful groan, clearly suffering second-hand embarrassment from her friend’s morbid remark. Meanwhile, as this had been going on, Pinkie Pie had remained quietly dangling from the bar at the top of the cargo bay.

“Little help?” she giggled.

We all looked up at her and sighed with fond exasperation.

“Oh Pinkie…” Fluttershy tutted.

Applejack went to stand beneath her and reared up onto her hind legs.

“Drop.” she ordered.

Pinkie let go with a drawn-out ‘weeeeeee’, and Applejack calmly put out her forelegs to catch her. After putting her down, Pinkie whizzed around like an excited puppy and buried herself among the few suitcases that hadn’t been scattered by the turbulence. I glanced across the hold to see Twilight looking in our direction, though upon narrowing my eyes, I realised that she was looking straight through us, staring off into space. Her eyes were glassy and there was a pained look on her face. She then noticed me and furrowed her brow, blinking away the expression. I tightened my lips awkwardly and dipped my head to her in a peaceful greeting, but sadly, she did not lose her now-loathsome stare.

A while later, after Dashie’s nose had stopped bleeding, the two of us got into something of a playful argument over linguistics. I had been pondering over how amazing it must have been to have wings, and that I had found her additional limbs to be most enthralling indeed.

“What does enthralling mean?” she had asked.

“It’s basically another word for ‘interesting’.” I told her.

“Why not just say ‘interesting’ then?”

“Because ‘enthralling’ is more appropriate.” I explained, “It implies a deeper level of captivation and enchantment.”

“Egghead.”

“And?” I retorted, not bothered by having nerdy qualities.

“You’re an egghead.” she repeated.

It was clear that Rainbow was trying to get under my skin, she was bored, and as Rarity had described earlier, she endeavoured to make me suffer for it.

“I don’t see the problem.” I replied calmly.

“You’re an egghead, that’s the problem.” she tittered.

Deciding to fight fire with fire, I kissed my teeth in the mare's direction, and then unleashed my inner Catherine Tate, of whom was one of my all-time favourite performers. Known for her role as Donna Noble in the Doctor Who franchise, Catherine Tate was a fiercely funny comedian. Aside from Doctor Who, she was also known for her role as Lauren Cooper, a character made by Catherine herself for her comedy sketches. In essence, the character was an overly exaggerated caricature of a chav, designed to be loud-mouthed, repetitious, and unrelenting.

“Am I bovvered?” I said in a Cockney accent, assuming the role.

At this, Rainbow Dash was confused, tilting her head to one side.

“What?”

“Do I look bovvered though?” I went on, “Am I bovvered?”

“What are you even saying?” she chuckled awkwardly.

“I’m arksing you if I look bovvered? Because I ain’t even bovvered.” I continued, waving my hands at each exaggerated use of the word ‘bothered’.

“Is this because I called you an egghea-”

“But I ain’t even an egghead though! But I ain’t even an egghead though!” I burst out, interrupting her.

The pegasus began to laugh and stare at me in full bewilderment, with the others also taking an interest in the growing spectacle. My sudden impression had taken her completely off-guard, and she had no idea how to come back at the bizarre and irascible persona of Lauren Cooper. The trick to pulling off the impression was to never pause, one had to maintain the never-ending torrent of words, preventing anyone from getting a word in. On top of that, one needed to supply constant maniacal body language, absurd statements, and generous usage of the word ‘bothered’.

“Cut it out egghead, that’s so weir-”

“Hand! Face! Bovvered?” I interrupted her, raising my hand and then pointing at my face.

“What the heck is-”

“Are you an LGBT icon?” I asked out of the blue, pointing at her multicoloured mane.

“What!?”

“Are you championing the stunning and brave?”

“I don’t… I don’t… WHAT!?”

“You know your house?” I asked, changing the angle of attack.

“What?” Rainbow responded, shaking her head in complete disarray.

“You know your house, right? In Equestria? You know your house?”

“Yeah?”

“It’s made of fluffy white clouds, innit?”

Rainbow Dash nodded, her eyes like saucers.

“When you go to the bathroom in your house, right? When you go to the bathroom, does it become a part of the cloud?”

“Um! Uh! N-”

“Do you ever turn the cloud yellow Dashie?” I asked bluntly.

Choking on her own saliva, Rainbow Dash spluttered that that wasn’t how it worked. Ignoring her, I held firm with the Cockney accent and gave the impression the passion that it deserved.

“I bet it is though! I bet when it rains, your house gives everyone below a golden shower!”

The other girls, who were all listening in at this point, completely lost themselves at that. But I intended to raise the bar, and as Rainbow tried to get a word in, I raised an eyebrow.

“D’you get brown hailstones in the colder months?”

Louder than the plane’s very engines, the cargo hold was filled with a mighty profusion of laughter, with even Twilight finally caving in. Flustered beyond belief, Rainbow Dash desperately protested, swearing that wasn’t at all how it worked, and declared that I had gone insane.

“No I ain’t, I was just arksing if I looked bovvered to you!” I yelled back, “I was only arksing you a question, can’t I just arks you a question?”

I was aware that I had been dragging it out for some time now, but I wasn’t finished until I had played Catherine Tate’s trump card whenever she portrayed Lauren Cooper; the grand finale. Taking a breath, I prepared to talk so fast that it would give Pinkie Pie a run for her money.

“Is this really the guy Celestia sent us to?” Rainbow Dash wailed outwardly.

At that, I threw my hands up into the air and glared at her.

“Well I was only arksing if I looked bovvered to you ‘coz you were calling me egghead like I was bovvered, but I ain’t bovvered, then I arksed you if I looked bovvered but you didn’t answer me, but look at my face! Does my face look bovvered? Do I look bovvered Dashie? Hand! Face! Bovvered! Hand! Face! Plane! Ponies! Magic! Titans! Orbs! Fate of the world! Hand! Fingers! Face! I ain’t… BOVVERED!”

As I brought the act to an explosive close, the spectating ponies all howled and hooted with laughter, with Pinkie Pie collapsing to the floor in tears of hilarity, begging me to stop before she wet herself. Rainbow Dash then gave up, bowing her head and laughing along with the others. When the laughter died down some, a wheezing Applejack was finally able to sit up properly.

“What in… What in gosh-darn tarnation was that all about!?” she begged, still gasping for air.

Explaining, I told her that it was an act from a famous comedian here on Earth, and that I decided to employ it to get back at Rainbow Dash for trying to aggravate me. Still laughing, Rarity asked who they were.

“She’s called Catherine Tate.” I told her, “I’ll show you a video of her when we next get the chance.”

“If your impression is even half as good as the real thing, then I can’t wait!” Pinkie squealed, bouncing up and down and giggling profusely.

We all settled down after that, and I went into greater detail about Catherine Tate, and the character of hers who I had been impersonating.

“I feel like it would have been funnier if I knew the context before you started the act. For the longest time, it just came across like you were a little unhinged.” Rarity admitted with a giggle.

“Yeah, I suppose you’re right.” I chuckled in reply, “But I had already started doing the impression at that point, so I just decided to commit to the bit, you know?”

“That makes sense, I can respect that.” Rarity hummed.

“Context or not, it was funny as heck, you had me so freaking confused…” Rainbow Dash laughed.

“You should have seen the look on your face!” Pinkie tittered, before copying some of Dashie’s various expressions throughout the whole ordeal.

“Yeah, well… I uh… ain’t… bovvered!” the cyan mare retorted, sticking her tongue out.

We all laughed at that, and Pinkie audibly wondered if there were any pony comedians back on Equus with any similar acts. This naturally brought the girls’ conversation to remembrances of Equestria, and feelings of homesickness. They started to get a little misty-eyed, and so I politely distanced myself to let them be sentimental by themselves. I meanwhile, allowed myself to zone out again; I was still pretty tired after all.

Opening my rucksack, I took out my earbuds and plugged them into my phone, choosing to listen to some music. Thankfully I didn’t need Wi-Fi for this, as I was very much a ‘download songs locally’ person, as opposed to a ‘use Spotify for everything’ guy. I had a plethora of songs, of many genres too, for I had a very wide taste in music. Shuffling was always a gamble, and upon pressing play, I was greeted by the soulful softness of the British folk musician, Newton Faulkner. Lying down and closing my eyes, I silently mouthed along to the words, losing myself to the song and the meaning it carried.

“Dream catch me, yeah… dream catch me when I fall… or else I won’t come back at all…”

---

Comments

[PonyJoe1]

Here I was thinking you'd remove Catherine Tate's "bovvered" scene in the rewrite.

Nope, you made it EVEN FUNNIER.

Also thank you Fluttershy for reminding me how to properly treat a nosebleed.

[Twanklight Borkle]

Blood-sneeze is not friend.

[Mister Horncastle]

11901893
"Body weight" & "Zebra Sauce™" are still your funnier ones, but this one was passable.