The Basic Sketch of life

A new pegasus named Sketch moves to Ponyville. This new pony now has to live through his completely exciting life along with the Mane 6 and other friends around him. What could be in store for this young colt?

Chapters (2)

Comments ( 6 )

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The Lunar Samurai

The Lunar Samurai #1 · Sep 9th, 2013 · 3 · · Warm Welcome ·

Critique request received on Authors Helping Authors.
1. Try not to use present tense. Literature almost always happens in the past, especially if it is in third person.

2. Spelling. It isn't horrid, just slightly problematic. (its shin, not chin)

3. Declaration rather than Description. "Everypony then ends that off with with a big laugh." is a big roadblock in the flow of the story. Describe their reaction in a more poetic manner rather than telling the reader 'they laughed.'

4. Overall. Dialogue is decent, but you use too much present tense (1) and factual writing (3). I saw nothing inherently OOC, and it seems like you have a decent amount of potential.

P.S. I'm not trying to bash the shit out of your writing. I'm telling you what might be problematic, author to author. You get an upvote from me and a pat on the back for asking for a critique in the first place.

Hidden Brony

Hidden Brony #2 · Dec 25th, 2013 · · · Warm Welcome ·

So, just scrolling down here I saw a potentially problematic amount of dialogue-to-everything-else ratio. Dialogue is great, but sometimes you need to have things happen as well.

Also, present tense? Good luck pulling that off. Pretty much nobody can. If you do? More power to ya.

Remember, this is from a glance. Let me actually read this and get back to you with a better critique.

-HB

LunaOnTheMOOOON

LunaOnTheMOOOON #3 · Dec 29th, 2013 · · · Warm Welcome ·

Alrighty then, as promised I will unleash the full extent of every thought and feeling I have in the possess of reading this. Please take no offense to anything I might say about this story. I'm generally a pretty nice person, but when I enter editor mode there are no survivors. I will probably criticize everything. Be ready and know that you called this upon yourself. Time to put on Aj's honesty hat!
Immediately upon seeing the cover, I'm starting to doubt this. This plot is ridiculously common. I, like many people, tend to stray away from anything in which a oc is the main character. Even if the writing is professional grade. Most times, they are self-inverts where the main character becomes best friends with the main six and then the main character falls in love with one of them. I haven't actually read your story yet but it seems to be one of those. Right off the bat, this story doesn't interest me much. I probably wouldn't read this if I saw it while browsing the new stories.
So, that's my first impression of this. I'll post again when I read it; I don't want to make this too long.

Knightwolf09