We always wished for it to be true. For those amazing ponies come to life as real girls. Hell, we were prepared to do anything for the girls to come to Earth. Yet we didn't even have to lift a finger and now they're here. You won't believe the day we just had.
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I'm gonna be honest here: I'm really confused as to what's going on. Oh yeah, and you have a purple prose in your very first sentence (the explanation for the use of 'idiotic') which is ill-advised. Seriously, I'm confused. Is he a brony or not? Why are they there? Also, could you please indent new paragraphs for sanity's sake. I like the writing, really I do, but I'm just confused.
257552
Agreeing with him, but I like this nonetheless.
This is going on my watch and track list for sure
257552 wow brony your really oblivious and really picky mate its just the first chapter Im sure he'll explain more as he gets more into it.
anyway loved the chapter and keep going i am eager to find out who kevin is
257754
I'm not being picky, I just love to help newbies out. It just seemed inordinate with the story's writing style to be so vague. It's not that he leaves questions -as that practice is fine- but it's that he leaves me confused. Explanation in due time is fine, but I'm just confused. Is it my fault that I have high standards and as such I wish to help other people meet said standards?
this has sealed the deal i wub bein a brony
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Pull the breaks there, buddy. This is starting out WAY too fast. You can't just have a bunch of humanized ponies come into a classroom out of nowhere and expect nothing to happen beyond exchanging pleasantries. I can tell you want to elaborate on what they're doing there at some point, and that's fine. But you can't just have them all come in and buddy up with the main character instantly.
There's potential here, and I'll be tracking, but you may want to consider a re-write on this first chapter. Take things slow, build Oliver's relationship with each pony/human over time, not just all in one shot and in the middle of a classroom. (Which, incidentally, makes me wonder what the other students think about this.)
257919 my thoughts ALMOST exactly
i agree with 257919, but I do like the setup you have for the characters themselves. I would like to see this go on. It has great potential.
+1 track
257919 In that kind of situation, I'm guessing that the majority of the students are thinking: "What the fuck just happened?". That's what I'd be thinking at least.
... I'm sorry - I should be insanely jealous of your character right now, but I just came off a sugar high, so I'm not really capable of adequately feeling at the moment.
That said, this sort of thing needs to be done carefully - whilst you have my interest, this can very easily go wrong.
And, protip - avoid the highly controversial statements until the readers are too highly invested in the story to just throw it away out of disgust. You might think that, in those circumstances, killing yourself is a shameful act. However, other people may strongly contest those views. And, considering the nature of the topic, I would be surprised if, even on a place as nice as FIMFiction, you didn't receive a number of flames for this.
257552
Hiya! Thank you so much for the feedback, we really appreciate it. Yes, Oliver is a brony, as is evident when he exclaims his knowledge of Princess Celestia and Princess Luna. As well as all the names of the ponies. Sorry for the lack of indents in the beginning, the co-writer of this forget to indent
But we have it under control. Yes, and I deleted the purple prose. Again, thank you for the feedback! We always appreciate construction criticism.
259147
Yay! Another writer helped! Go me!
I simply request details to be less vague in the future because I know you can write good details judging by your other additions. I simply hope you can apply yourself to more side notes. I hope we can clear up all the vagueness in either the next chapter for by editing your first chapter.
257793 not at all friend i just like three things in a story easy to understand room for answeres and cliff hangers
I love the description of the girl's scents and how they appear. Though pinkie Pie should be in shape cause she pops up everywhere and is able to keep up with the others that run from her. Like dash a few times. The one where the griffon comes in to town or when they were trying to hold a surprise party for pinkie.
And not that I'm telling you its horrible. LoL I I'm starting to want to be a kevin..... or well whatever the girl name version of kevin is cause the friend to tell about the girls entering our world has been kevin in 3to stories I've read recently! =)
longer! I need more!
MOAR ploz kthnxbai
Give me more, or I will burn you alive!
Okay, I won't burn you, but I will push you into a dark hole...
Or just write an angry letter...
Yes, that sounds safe.
AUTHOR!!! Y U NO MAKE MOAR!?
Alright, this was brilliant! I love this so much. Ignore all the other guys urging you to post how they got there and stuff. The characters are yours, and so is the plot. Take time. Let things go at your own pace.
That's pretty much it. Have a great day!
I love how you have the people from my computers class that called dashie a les and people wanting do the thing with shy. So far excellent
Oh noes
"This is going to be difficult"
i3.kym-cdn.com/entries/icons/original/000/007/666/_57c8a1a431a592af806925e57258202f.png
^ I died.
i like this fic... i would love if you would update more:)
Me ruffing this arot
i really like this one.
Definately can't wait for next chapter.....
yay
(Yayception lololol) new chapter. Also this is very good too.
Random Quote: FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU
-Almost every COD and Halo gamers on Multi Player
yumm.
Cool new chapter was great!!!
Damn that was an awesome chapter!
I JUST HAD SEX
AND IT FELT SO GOOD
Because this story is as good as sex
Well that wait WAS long but I'm liking it so far.
Random Q- I'm too lazy
I giggled like a manly man at this story, I was so excited.
....
How I feel this is going...
Storys introducing character, basic stuff at a decent pace, the profes- FUCKING MANE 6 OUT OF NOWHERE!!
Way to disregard build up.
However it seems your a new writer, in which case don't take the first sentence as an insult please, I was hoping it'd be more of a joke
But my point still stands.
MORE.
Hmm, this made me squel like a guy.
Random Pic:
img.ponibooru.org/_images/f08f6d3d38776a24addc3a2c7e5d2d92/12837%20-%20applejack%20artist%3Afiarel%20derpy_hooves%20fluttershy%20Grenade%20Little%20my%20pinkamena_diane_pie%20pinkie_pie%20rainbow_dash%20rarity%20twilight_sparkle%20zombie.png
Lo
381995
I dont even....Is that derpy?
383029:Yes...yes it is.
awesome keep on going
Good chapter. Look forward to seeing more of this story!
Well this is enjoying, moar.
Good, good! More please.
>sex with each of the human Mane 6, all fucking hot
I like where this is going.
Oliver is so popular that he got 4 numbers. 3 more would have been a complete phone number.