- Member Since 2nd Sep, 2012
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Diokno44
I am a memebr of the Guardians of Equestria fleet on Star Trek Online
Diokno44
Joined 2nd Sep, 2012 ·
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Well this is a bit different.
Though the pony's non-reaction to the man suddenly appearing and killing a Timberwolf is a bit odd.
Also, try and get a pre-reader. Missing words, misspellings, the normal stuff.
Salvete! I see you have written a story involving the Romans! Allow me to offer my opinions (and fangirl squees
)
Ok, the Roman republic and empire hold a special place for me, and I can say you don't quite have a Roman legion represented correctly. In regards to the battle, the Romans would have slaughtered the Germanic tribes, do to the completely different styles of combat; which brings me to my next point, the barbarians aren't Germans, they belong to Germanic tribes, but they are technically still Gauls.
The reason the Romans would've faired better in the battle is because in combat they would have squished right up against the barbarians, letting them use their gladii (2 foot short sword meant for thrusting but still capable of amputating a limb) to their full extent, while covering each others back if necessary. The Gauls fought completely as individuals, using weapons such as massive long swords (easily four or five feet in length, not useful in the close quarters of the Roman legion) trying to single out other combatants for glory and fame. There's far more as to how Gaius behaved, and the syntax of the Latin dialog, but I'll only put it here if you so wish.
Also, centurions would have worn the lorica hamata with the characteristic metal badges (Chain mail) as opposed to the segmentata (average rank and file soldiers armor) on account of it's nigh self cleaning properties (friction would take care of most rust).
That's all for now unless you want more! I love the idea, and I'd be more than willing to help with this if you so choose.
3133116 Also, the same stuff as this person pointed out ^^
Wonderful! More BLOOD!
3133611 I'm glad you enjoyed it. Now that being said I am not a Roman "expert" by any means so if I got anything wrong or if I need any further advice on writing chapters I shall consult you in the future.
3133116 I expected as much, I try to edit as best as I can but mistakes still happen. I'd be more than happy to fix anything if you point it out. I dunno maybe I'll try and get an editor.
3133725 I'm no expert either, sadly, just somepony who happened to spend almost three years of her life obsessively reading about the Romans
Of course, I'd be happy to assist whenever you need it! Would you like the rest of my info dump for the random miscellaneous stuff?
I feel interested. 'Read Later' for now (got a number of unread favs).
i am liking it already
SENATUS POPULUSQUE ROMANUS!!! Ave, Enclave.
3133611 The Romans did not see any difference between the tribes, so it would be accurate to have them calling the Germanic tribes barbarians or any other tribe north of Rome.
3134201 Exactly, hmm, I thought I said that- Oh well, I am but a pony!
There were some inaccuracies here and there that annoyed me, but with someone else helping you, I'm sure they'll be fixed.
Future chapters should lack the inaccuracies, and you should get a prereader/beta for grammar/spelling/punctuation mistakes.
As for the writing itself, not too bad. It wasn't amazing or anything, but not bad either. Decently entertaining. The thing that holds the story up the most at this point is the interesting premise that you've started with. I've never seen this idea for a story before.
All this being said, PLEASE DON'T go into any cliches, or other things that HiE stories do. Spare me the torture. I've done this a hundred times: find a story that looks good, fav and like it- which I have, by the way- and then watch the author ruin it.
Take an original turn. You've already started on one. Just keep going with it.
Fav'd, liked, waiting for more.
3134885 I knew when I wrote this that people would call me out for some historical inaccuracies. So I'm currently working on getting both an editor and a history buff to clear up the grammar and be as accurate as possible. I myself enjoy history but Roman history isn't exactly my strong point. I'm much more comfortable with 20th Century European history in general. Thanks for the Fave and Like
3135284
Mmm, good! No problem :)
This looks promising, keep up the good work.
Romans. I love it instantly!
And I had an idea simlar to this one! Dang it!
Only mine would be centered in Teutoberg Forest in the beginning.
Because we all know that crazy sh*t happened there.
And mine would be humanized as well.
I also noticed, that you said javelins. Romans did not use javelins; they used a pilum. the plural is pila.
I feel stupid for this, but it is the other way around. Pila is singular, pilum is plural.
3136532 Very well I shall fix that. I have a few people helping me out with the historical stuff. I love ancient history but sadly I can't claim to be an expert on it.
Oh well I kind of expected this anyway. Such things happen when one decides to write a well-known crossover or any kind of historical piece.
C'este la vie non? 1.bp.blogspot.com/-9ppgLdigEJs/TcMvOXUegDI/AAAAAAAABCw/EA9-9RmPzo0/s200/smoking+-+marcello.jpg
3136688
Tis not a problem! I just happen to be a big fan of Ancient Rome, so I kinda just went a bit crazy on you.
The story sounds great so far! Keep up the good work! And just so you know, Teutoberg Forest is where three Roman legions fell to Germanic tribes in an ambush.
Commencing read. I shall let you know what I think, but the premise is intriguing.
3137221
Alright, I read it. I like it, but I think there are things you could improve. Your battle scenes are criminally short. In the time it takes Gaius to kill one berserker the battle's already over? (An aside here. Pila were not designed to kill masses as you have them depicted here. They were lethal, but the main use was to force the opponent to abandon their shields: a pilum stuck in a shield would make it heavy and unwieldy to use.) The fight with the timber wolf also seems short. He just stabs a magical creature made of wood in the 'brain'?
You explained some things very well. Gaius's family died, and he's nearing the end of his career. It sums up perfectly why he wouldn't mind going to another world. I hope my criticism didn't seem too harsh. I liked the story, but I think it could be better with a few tweaks. Good luck!
To exppand on other peopel's harshness...
The Roman's were famouse for use of the phalanx, seeing as they we the only nation with anti infantry artilery. It is therefore unlikely that an expearienced officer would have broke rank to fight one on one with a two foot gladius (or spatha, dependind on time period) and a scutum. Also, the Germans would have used bronz or iron weapons, not steal.
Axios! I like it. I'mma keep reading now. Just wanted to say that.
3137295 Your criticism is perfectly reasonable and I appreciate your honesty. As I've said, I do have a few other people helping me with the historical stuff and perhaps I shall go back and overhaul the first chapter when I have time. I like ancient Rome but I do NOT claim to be an expert. As for the battle scenes, well I didn't really want to draw them out that much. However, if everyone reading this isn't opposed, I can draw them out and make them "more graphic" as it were.
Oh, look, a HiE where the human is not an american soldier. I love this already.
Allright, two things.
What kind of armor does he have? Lorica hamata (chainmail) or lorica segmentata (laminar armor)?
There's room to work with, Roman legions had no standardized equipment as far as I know.
And second, I don't think timberwolves have a brain.
3141534 I decided on Lorica hamata (chainmail), since he's a Centurion. As far as the whole brain thing goes, I'm not really sure if they have one. Canon-wise they really don't elaborate. For the sake of creative license I'm gonna say that they do.
3138744
Believe me, I know the difficulties in writing a historical fiction. The battle scene just seems to stand out as jarring due to its short length. If you don't like the idea of writing a battle scene, maybe you could cut it out entirely and start with the legionaries patrolling, then coming upon and sacking the barbarian village.
Or you could ignore me, your fic is fine the way it is. These are just my personal nitpicks. I will be tracking this story to see where it goes.
3138744
I think we have a problem hinging not so much on degree of graphicness but rather of pacing.
Specifically, your story starts out with a very aggressive scene that should roll and thunder like an unstoppable force, sweeping forward and crushing all who oppose it.
It ends five paragraphs in. This is an insufficient degree of Roman Warfare, since any one battle that does not have the Roman Legions up against sheepherders is going to take at least an hour. Additionally, as a Centurion, Gaius Septimus is in charge of a 100 man group, which means that his function in combat is not just to be badass but also to be a leader, coordinate the offensive with the other centuries, and generally make sure that his century functions as a cohesive part of the entire army. He's going to be swinging his sword, but he also needs to be making sure the flanks are secure, that his group hasn't wandered away, watch for enemy offensives, rally the men, etc.
This sounds very bland and quite short, but you have to keep in mind that we're talking Germanic Tribesmen here. They're not going to just let Romans take over, they're going to fight tooth and nail to kill the sons-of-bitches who are invading their home. You're going to see all out offensives with screaming men throwing themselves at your line, their bodies slamming into your shield at high velocity. This is not going to be something that is taken casually, and your writing must reflect that these Legionnaires, despite their famed discipline, are not exactly relishing this battle. Nobody wants to die, and everyone feels fear.
Now, your segue into Rape and Pillage makes sense, and it sets you up quite well for the trip to Ponyville, but in my opinion, you really need to spend the entire first chapter laying out how the battle goes in all its bloody detail, then have the attack on the village as chapter 2 and ending with Gaius getting teleported. Chapter 3 would then shift to Ponyville and the CMC, then end where you are now.
3148481 Ok, so I understand that you believe my battle-scene was short and somewhat bland. Fine, you're entitled to your own opinion and trust me when I say that you aren't the fist person to make such a remark. However, let me pose you a question: Would you like to put your money where your mouth is? Quite simply, I am offering you a chance to help me rewrite the chapter (or at least add to it). I am more than willing to work with others, if it will improve my story. I shall PM you the chapter in Google Docs...respond if you're interested.
3149738
Sure, let's do this thing.
Though, despite my desire to do so, I must admit that since I am a student, my schedule is rather hectic.
3149741 Excellent! And sadly I know those college feels...
You have my attention sir.
Good timing too, a good chunk of my favorite stories are winding down or have ended. I went scouting for some more reading material and found this. I am pleased.
Have an upturned thumb.
Ehh, I don't like the tired cliche of Lyra being a human fanatic, but besides that, this chapter was decent. This is where it gets hard, and where you start to prove whether or not this will be a bad or good HiE.
3152696 I'm pegging her to be more of a fan of mythical creatures, rather than just humans specifically.
Little did little Lyra know, it was indeed a human awaiting her.
3152712
Good then. Like I said, this is when it starts getting hard. It's going to be interesting if you have a fresh, original plot, and you don't use too many cliches. That's what will separate this from bad HiE. That, and just good writing, in general.
Should be sapient. Sentient means that it can perceive or feel things. Sapient means that it is wise. That's why we are Homo Sapian, meaning Wise Man.
3152778 Ah ok, I'll fix that thanks
You, do more now. Or I cut you.
3152778 *clapclap* So few know this! I actually got into an argument with someone over Skype over this. He went to go look them both up to 'school' me in the error of my ways. ...he sat dead silent for 20 minutes trying to rectify what the dictionary said with what he 'knew'. XD
3154102
Some people.
3156211 Eeyup. He's doing much better now, though. :D
3156365
That's always a good thing. I must go now, Deadpool a waits!
Hey buddy, little issue here. You might want to change the nurses in the scene where Gaius freaks out to security guards. I used to work in my city's EMS system, and I never saw a nurse approach a combative patient. They injected sedatives once the patient was subdued and restrained by security. It was the only thing that stood out to me this chapter, and it's so minor as to be inconsequential, but I thought I'd mention it.
3158317 No offense, but I think I'm just gonna keep it the way it is. The reason being is I already have to overhaul chapter one at some point and I need to start working on chapter three as well. I suppose one could surmise that ponies do have security guards, since they had one in Read it and Weep. But, like I said I probably won't change it.
You're actually writing him pretty well, this is funny so far.
3192264
Yeah, that too. This is a pretty interesting take for HiE.
I am most pleased with this so far.