I'm just a guy that can't seem to write out complete ideas.
It is too painful too remember, so Midnight Dust spends his days refusing to recall the death of his love. But when Princess Celestia gives him the chance to go back, will he be able to risk the pain to save her? Will he be able to bear the weight of his own pain?
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So, I was curious about this story. And the actual story is REALLY good. Besides the fact that is was kind of short, I liked it. Especially at the end where Midnight wakes up. A great way to wrap a story and keep readers hanging.
You know, this is really good. I've always admired writers that can tell a good story without making it long and drawn out. It's a skill I wish I had.
OK, gonna break this down just a bit more:
Pros:
- Loved the plot. Absolutely fantastic.
- When you described something, you did it well. Like the passing through the portal; I really understood what you meant when you said it was like getting splashed with ice as it instantly evaporated.
- You toyed with the reader's emotions by pitting Midnight against himself to save his lost love. It's been done before, but I think you did it justice. It reminded me a lot of a Doctor Who novel called Touched by an Angel. Which may be the best DW novel I've read.
- The ambiguity at the very end was pretty sneaky and clever. Leaves the room open for a sequel, or just to the reader's imagination.
- Aurora Borealis is a brilliant name for a pony. Brohoof to you, sir. /)
Cons:
- There were times that I got confused about who was saying what. The dialogue was good, but when a bunch of ponies said something together without anything letting me know who was saying what, I had to go through it an extra time or two to figure it out.
- At the end of chapter two, did he just experience a time warp into the future (but still in his own past)? Wasn't entirely sure what went on there.
- Ironically, the sense of time here was ambiguous. Celestia states that if you don't come back through the portal in three days, then you can't come back. But that's never again referenced. That might add a bit of urgency to the story if you used it.
- Personal preference here, but I thought when he was before Celestia, Midnight could have displayed a bit more emotion than he did. I understood what he was probably feeling (thanks to the excited dialogue), but I couldn't help but feel that it could have been that much better with a touch of anguish mixed with the excitement from a chance to redeem himself.
All in all, a good story! I was quite pleased, and it definitely got better as it went along! Keep up the good work!
3603782 Thanks for the feedback. I tried to fix the mistakes you listed.