Well, since you asked for feedback, here's mine, free of charge.
You have the characters very well down, in my opinion. Dash's rapid emotional changes, on the outside often not giving a shit but on the inside insecure and tearing herself apart. You also included Twilight's magic quite a good amount in here, which is a nice touch. Seeing how often she uses it and teleports in the show, you'd think that more people would make use of it.
I can't exactly see where you're going with this story, but hey, that's why I'm reading it. TwiDash is my favorite ship and you're one of my favorite authors, so this story doubly awesome for me. This reads very much like Unicorn Diaries, too. The chapters having a big chunk of relationshippy stuff and ending in kinky sex. Unicorn Diaries is my favorite story, just so you know, but this one is coming very, very close to surpassing it for me. At least this story is receiving updates.
My only real quarrel is your dialogue punctuation. Sometimes there's a period instead of a comma, sometimes there's nothing at all instead of a comma. Sorry, but that kind of stuff just distracts me. Otherwise your grammar is good.
Keep doing what you're doing and you'll have one very happy brony with me.
I'll try and keep my sentence endings in mind, I'm still trying to figure out what feels best where.
As for where the story's going, don't worry about it - these early chapters are entirely for setting up the background stuff, potential recurring elements, characters, so on!
Right, got another chapter down. Can say Dash felt a bit ooc, but has improved since last works. Same goes with Twi. She could have been a bit more "collected" or however to call it, but it wasn't "that" noticeable. Just a few lines and action's here and there. Anyhow, while I can see Dash living quite... spartan I think it's called. I don't believe you mentioned her best flyer trophy, wonderbolt fanfilly stuff and whatnot. That, or I got a really bad memory haha. And while I guess Twi's magic is really varied, I've just seen it as of late that many have began to use it as an "Swiss army knife" xP The story works quite well, inner monologues works well and adds to the flow, usually can cripple it a bit. Like the small additions of humor, mostly since I do the same in mine hehe. And as said, while it's entirely up to you how endowed they both are, and the color of it, you know my opinion on the matter. But use humans models if you're more comfortable with it
On a side note, pony 69's are a tad bit more complex than human ones... especially for the males. Still, in either case, it's been readable so far But yeah, you did a rather good sex scene I have to say.
Just one question, where was Spike during all this? Any reaction to seeing his adopted sister and her new girlfriend sprawled out on the floor? Great chapter though,
Oh, and I shall read this chapter again when I get home. I will be in private. In my room. And if anypony wants to find me, don't. As I will be immersed in...activities. If you get my meaning. That felt good!
'A bit of a clusterfuck'. Lol
I believe the quota for sexual activities while wet was met in this latest chapter. And for that I am glad.
Well, since you asked for feedback, here's mine, free of charge.
You have the characters very well down, in my opinion. Dash's rapid emotional changes, on the outside often not giving a shit but on the inside insecure and tearing herself apart. You also included Twilight's magic quite a good amount in here, which is a nice touch. Seeing how often she uses it and teleports in the show, you'd think that more people would make use of it.
I can't exactly see where you're going with this story, but hey, that's why I'm reading it. TwiDash is my favorite ship and you're one of my favorite authors, so this story doubly awesome for me. This reads very much like Unicorn Diaries, too. The chapters having a big chunk of relationshippy stuff and ending in kinky sex. Unicorn Diaries is my favorite story, just so you know, but this one is coming very, very close to surpassing it for me. At least this story is receiving updates.
My only real quarrel is your dialogue punctuation. Sometimes there's a period instead of a comma, sometimes there's nothing at all instead of a comma. Sorry, but that kind of stuff just distracts me. Otherwise your grammar is good.
Keep doing what you're doing and you'll have one very happy brony with me.
330630
Thanks!
I'll try and keep my sentence endings in mind, I'm still trying to figure out what feels best where.
As for where the story's going, don't worry about it - these early chapters are entirely for setting up the background stuff, potential recurring elements, characters, so on!
TAW writing more then 1-shot TwiDash.
welp, life complete, I dont need anything else.
"The one that would terrify fillies, confuse stallions, and excite Rainbow Dashes."
Best.. Line.. EVER! I laughed so hard.
Tracking
Right, got another chapter down. Can say Dash felt a bit ooc, but has improved since last works. Same goes with Twi. She could have been a bit more "collected" or however to call it, but it wasn't "that" noticeable. Just a few lines and action's here and there. Anyhow, while I can see Dash living quite... spartan I think it's called. I don't believe you mentioned her best flyer trophy, wonderbolt fanfilly stuff and whatnot. That, or I got a really bad memory haha. And while I guess Twi's magic is really varied, I've just seen it as of late that many have began to use it as an "Swiss army knife" xP The story works quite well, inner monologues works well and adds to the flow, usually can cripple it a bit. Like the small additions of humor, mostly since I do the same in mine hehe. And as said, while it's entirely up to you how endowed they both are, and the color of it, you know my opinion on the matter. But use humans models if you're more comfortable with it
On a side note, pony 69's are a tad bit more complex than human ones... especially for the males. Still, in either case, it's been readable so far But yeah, you did a rather good sex scene I have to say.
Just one question, where was Spike during all this? Any reaction to seeing his adopted sister and her new girlfriend sprawled out on the floor? Great chapter though,
like!
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this was awesome you got the characters down on lock especially dashie (who is best pony)
awwww yeahhh! interrobang making a comeback! best. puctuation. ever.
"Hey guys, what's oh Celestia Twilight are you okay?".......
I rest my case.
Oh, and I shall read this chapter again when I get home. I will be in private. In my room. And if anypony wants to find me, don't.
As I will be immersed in...activities. If you get my meaning. That felt good!
542178 indeed