The longest walk she'll ever take.
Chapters (4)
- Member Since 12th Dec, 2011
- offline last seen 2 hours ago
Jake The Army Guy
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Jake The Army Guy
Joined 12th Dec, 2011 ·
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It's always the cliffhangers that are the most evil. Continue.
3465550
Dis guys speaks da truth!
Awesome so far. I will be watching with interest.
And so begins what appears to be the start of an epic adventure. Though I won't hold my breath on that notion since the [Adventure] tag itself has been excluded, nonetheless I'm certain some serious world building is ahead, though I suspect there'll be some decent character development as well. Twilight herself seems to act incredibly diligent and just plainly more mature than the show currently presents her has. That should be expected, though, since we're already in the future. It's interesting to note evacuation, a literal "no fly" zone, and that things are looking straight up bleak. There's really not much to go off of outside of what's been implied, so as the unknown unravels I'm sure I'll have more to take apart. But this is a real good opening you have here.
You have my attention. It's a rare treat to get such an intriguing setup on so few words.
Dammit Twilight...
This is why we cannot have nice things.
"The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step." — Laozi
Great things are coming. I can feel it in the wind.
So did the capital move from Canterlot to Everfree city or is that just where Twilight rules? And just how far into the future are we? Anyway this looks really good and I can't wait for more.
So is this happening in the same world as your other stories? I'm interested in your take of how the whole alicornization process happens if this is so.
The chapter title had me worried for a bit. I saw it and I was thinking 'Please, please don't make Jake the Army Guy write a Fallout Equestria fic.' You also certainly caught me off-guard. I thought that Eye of the Beholder was your next big project, but this looks like another big one.
As for the story itself. It's an interesting start. I was worried when Twilight was thinking things like "This is all because of my selfishness" that you would make this exposition heavy complete with flashbacks. Or worse, an entire chapter where Twilight lies on her bed and cries about how sad the current state of affairs are. Instead, you've put us through a good bit of action sequence and balanced out enough bits of exposition to keep the reader intrigued. Nice characterization too by playing with the difficult balancing act of maintaining a monarch-servant, husband-wife dynamic. A good start all in all. I just hope you know what you're doing by deciding to start working on this.
3466526
I have no idea what I am doing, but I thought we all knew that by now.
No, this is not within the Luminous Sky universe... and there will be flashbacks. I'd ask you t trust me, but... eh, just let me know if ya like it.
Fascinating. I find myself reminded a bit of Scale, in the sense of a setting that feels staggeringly vast and hopeless and a protagonist determined to cross it. Definitely looking forward to seeing where you go with this. The story's only begun, but I already find myself worried about what form the ending will take. Patience, FoME. Time will tell.
Alright...you have my attention sir.
I'm looking forward to seeing what you have in store for us.
Oh sweet baby Jesus, I demand moar!
You have taken my interest.
Carry on, faithful believer.
this could wind up being quite interesting, please, give us more.
It's not that you've peaked my interest as much as it is that you've confused me as to what this is supposed to be. Your intro, while flawed, would probably work for the story in the tone that it is written in; however, there was no point in ending this chapter where you did and it served almost no poetic effect. It would have been great if you led it into another scene or just continued on with that being a dramatic line, but starting there with no explanation of the situation did not make me want to read further, it made me ask myself what exactly what I was reading.
Still can't tell, nor do I really care in this situation, so I'm just going to walk away from this one. No like/dislike, but I believe the way you introduced this story came across with the opposite effect versus what you were intending it to.
At first I thought this was a one-shot... Had this been, I would have had Pinkie reach though your monitor and give you a chat...
3474475
First off, thank you very much for leaving the comment. I hate it when people read and then just leave without saying why, so hat off to ya.
I can see where you are coming from. My intent was to make this a bit mysterious, and yes, a bit segmented. I took great influence from the story Austreoh and Scale, two stories which start out vague and leaving you guessing. Also like those, this will update semi-frequently; the next chapter should be up today, so the idea is bit by bit the real story comes into focus. If you're saying I started off TOO vague, I guess I can see that. But again, that was my intent, so... uh, yeah!
Anywho, thanks for at least giving it a shot! Maybe come back in a few days when things are a bit more clear?
So, is she wondering if she is immortal or not? This theory could be worked out very well, actually. The sun and moon are eternal and are forever there, so the same would be with the princesses who control them and are magically linked with them. Wouldn't it be the same for Twilight since she is connected and linked to magic which is similarly eternal and forever lasting?
Darn. I was hoping Rarity would share the old unicorn legends. Still, a wonderfully in-character conversation, though rather grim when taking into account the previous chapter. I can't help but wonder if the planet as a whole is beginning to die...
So if the magic in Equestria saps, Twilight dies? Damn.
Theory time: Based on this chapter and the last chapter, my current guess is that Twilight is so linked to Magic, that her mortal alicorn body may be sapping magic out of all of Equestria to sustain itself, thus these steadily growing wastelands. That quote from Celestia near the end clearly indicates that both Twilight and Cadance are not immortal, so if magic is dying off, Twilight must directly or indirectly be the cause if she's going so far as to blame herself.
3483176
i'm of the opinion that Twilight being naturally used to the idea of having a set lifespan and being once a naturally mortal pony, has grown tired of imortality ... seeing loved ones grow old have children and die, and having their grand children and great grandchildren pass on until no living pony even remembers her friends has made her grow tired ... falling in and out of love only to have the cycle of gain and loss repeat itself again and again had taken its toll
so being tied to the very magic of the land she somehow set up a means for magic to be sucked out of (what was intended to be) a localized area ... an elaborate form of suicide that would only affect herself and the place she'd deemed as her final resting place ... she understood the ponies she left behind would be hurt at her demise ... but as time had shown her again and again, she would be forgotten ... and if there is such a thing as an afterlife, then she could finally join her friends in the eternal fields of nectar and honey, storm the gates of cloudhalla, and dig the rich quarries in a far off land ... unfortunately the device did not work as she'd intended... the small area she'd desegnated was not enough to sap her body, so she ramped her device up to a larger and larger and even larger area ... but still it did not work ... she kept increasing the power until the device/spell she created reached a point where it became uncontrollable and self sustaining ... a sort of black hole for magic
wow ... didn't mean for it to get that longwinded ... my mind kinda ran with it on this one XP
either way i look forward to reading the story
Not a fan of this chapter, Jake the Army Guy. Whatever sense of mystery, tension, and urgency you were building up in your previous chapter, you just obliterated with 1247 words of what reads like an episode of The View. All the action just ground to a halt so the Mane Six could enjoy some tea and have their little debate. Fittingly enough, the chapter is titled "The Talk", although "The Talk Show" would be more precise.
There is a time and place for exposition, including having your characters explain their stances on death and the afterlife. It is my firm belief that the first few chapters are not that place and time. I suggest that you concentrate first on hooking your reader with intrigue and action in the present time. Once we're thoroughly invested, then you can unleash the flashbacks and lectures (carefully threaded through the story mind you).
3485193
The flashbacks are kind of the point. I admit, things seem hazy, and that is by design. Things will come into focus eventually. This is only set to be around ten-fifteen chapters of similar length. It's an experiment in style, a series of snippets telling a greater tale as opposed to a straight narrative. Maybe I am too hazy? Maybe, quite possibly, but it's my intent. I hope things will become more clear eventually.
Then again, I could just be blowing smoke and this is gonna crash and burn. Meh...
I agree with both AJ and Rarity here, but to explain how and why would dwarf this awesome story.
Looking forward to more.
Heyas, Jake man! Dropped by to see what all of this was about from the SA chat, and I gotta say... hmm. I'll try and address your key concern - why the format isn't working for some and is for others. I think it really just has to do with pacing expectations.
For the first part you've got your sunny-dusty-wasteland-slow-walk kind of setup, so I was expecting something Fallout- or SS&E-esque in terms of experience. You know, lots of retrospect, a thick tangible nothingness in the horizon, a mood that tiptoes the line between intriguing and boring. In this chapter you've got something that feels like "dread-inducing" - that impeding sense of doom, Fridge Horror i think it's called? - but we don't have any investment as of yet for this to function. There's not enough time spent with the characters for a reader to feel anything other than curiousity. Which the discussion above and the nifty drained-magic-affects-all-ponies piece of worldbuilding do play up, so you have those working for you. So, first point: not yet enough stakes to start pulling the dread strings.
Reading this, I'm a tad confused as to what to think of the story. As in, "what kind of story is it?" - am I supposed to be looking expectantly towards the ending, or just enjoying the journey? There's both too much and too little for it to swing either way. Too much stuff in between too little vital details you need to set up the situation (e.g. starting with a report telling Twilight something's crashed in the Everfree, for instance - which links directly to the main conflict you've introduced to help keep us reeled). As it is now, I'm interpreting it as one of those long-haul stories - the kind where you read just because, rather than because of a pressing urge to find the end. In other words, Slice-of-Life-ish. Though I'm sure the dissonance may be more vivid for other readers. Second point: reader dissonance. People just find simpler things easier to digest.
The thing is, neither of these are problems. I can't spot much in the way of those either; your voicing and style are all good quality, though you certainly don't need me to tell you that. These oddities are just a result of your new structure and authorial choices, which will be answered in time with enough words in there, I'm sure. I should like to relieve this dissonance of mine, at any rate, so I'll be seeing ya
I am very interested in seeing where this goes, the first chapter really caught my attention. And now after reading the conversation in chapter two it only makes me anticipate the coming events more and more! Very nice job so far!
3485296
Well, it's not really the haziness, it's more of the blatancy in fact. What I get here is that you're trying to emulate Austreaoh's style of story-telling (you actually mentioned it somewhere). It's a very difficult thing to accomplish, something which I don't even trust myself to try. But, while the flashbacks in Austreaoh were really hazy and subtle to the point of mind-boggling, this chapter's characterizations are rather heavy-handed. You have Scientist Twilight, Existentialist Rarity and Sort of Believer Applejack explaining their beliefs to each other and, by proxy, the reader. The exposition stops me cold rather than making me more curious. I don't think 'Wow, what was that all about? Maybe the next chapter will make things clearer', instead I go 'Wow, Jake's really smacking me in the face with the characterization here. It's like they're taking turns standing on a soap box'.
I admit that I'm not a fan of the style (I haven't even finished Austreaoh) so I'll more likely stick to your more straightforward stories.
Cloudhalla huh? The show shows the ancient pegasi to be more Greek than Nordic but I can dig it. Hope next chapter will go back to Twilight walking the fields of pestilence.
Hmmm... so Twilight is resistant, but not immune to the wasteland's forces. Well then, I agree with our not-so-friendly neighborhood drake. Twilight had best hurry if she's going to be of any use in whatever ritual is to occur.
On that note, my previous theory is at least partially out the window. Oh well. I tried.
Wish I could say something, but I can't think of anything to say. It's a sort of waiting for the other shoe to drop moment, you know? Kind of tense.
Yeah . . . about that, heh heh.
3515601
Lovely chapter. A build up chapter, I believe. Hints of something coming.
Methinks Twi dies.
Hmmm. What are you planning? Definitely earned a like and fave from me. And a follow once I get back to my computer. Can't wait to see where this is headed.
Some interesting tension going on here. Long enough to be a bit infuriating with the tension, short enough to not resolve it - you've certainly got the cliffhanger part down, but consarn it, muh curiosity
Ironic since I do the same with TLaToCM, but there's to reckoning good cliffhangers when I see one
Them cliffhangers.
Good chapter. I think I know where Twilight is going, but I'll have to see for sure.
Finally an author who knows how to use the on hiatus setting
Moar
th03.deviantart.net/fs70/PRE/f/2014/094/f/c/princess_twilight_takes_a_walk_by_happyswitch-d7d0z31.png
Have some fan art!
Also, more please!
4183272
I... I...
thank you.
4184141 Glad you like it!
3485296 I think it's risky, but okay to do it this way. It would be better if they could've said those things within some context.
But here:
I think the word "saw" might not be what you want... though in most historical cultures that would in fact be the case.
Ah. So we see what led to the walk. Or, put another way, you let us twist in suspense for two and a half years and didn't let Twilight advance another step.
I kid, I kid.
This is already saying a lot about the flaws that will lead to the desperate situation in the future. In a sense, Twilight will be performing a penance, finally facing a reality she denied for centuries, starting with the events of this chapter. At least, that's what I'm extrapolating from it thus far.
Wow, Tweak, amazing work.
Amazing work Jake! Loved every bit if it!!!
Hoo boy, Twilight is not gonna like what she finds