That sunny dome! those caves of ice! And all who heard should see them there, And all should cry, Beware! Beware!
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After escaping the Changeling gladiator arena at the cost of a friend's life, Equestria's lone human is attacked and befriended by Twilight Sparkle. This begins a long, strange, and confusing adventure to return home, and discover why he even arrived.
Complete, and edited twice... but If you see something I missed, I'd greatly appreciate it if you'd leave a comment.
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This is amazing. Like a d favorite.
I am always little uncomfortable with stories that give the protagonist a super power/s right from the start. Often the authors try to conpensate for this by having something horrible happen to the protagonist before or just at the very start of the story. I personally think this is used to "justify" the new-found good fortune that happens to the protagonist (super powers, love interest, etc.).
This is not to say that the story that follows this pattern is bad or anything, it's just that it might have the protagonist end up as a kind of a "justified" Mary Sue. I've seen it happen. It ain't pretty.
At least you've helped against that happening by NOT having a Romance tag on this story. And despite me finding some similarities to other stories, mainly poorly hidden power-fantasy Mary Sue stories, the writing, characterization and pacing is good and in my opinion, well thought out. I have only one wish for you: please please PLEASE don't have Wesley to pop up immediatly in Ponyville where he proceeds to have a romantic relationship with one of the Mane 6. I've seen it happen. And it's a self-insert by a different name. Doesn't mean it's any less self-insert.
But over all, I think you're going in the right direction. Can't wait to see in what manner this is an Alternative Universe, and what headcanon you have deviced for the background.
3472005 All valid concerns. And I can't promise that I will address all of them to your satisfaction. However, I can say this; the pseudo immortality is gone next chapter. I'll post it tomorrow. I'd like to post every other day...we'll see how that goes. I'm moving at the end of this month.
Learning to fight Mary Sue is difficult, and I can't say that I'm really that good at it yet. Mary Sue is symptom of an author who jumps straight into 'this is cool' without passing 'this is why' on the way. It's very, very tempting. Learning to hold a story thread in your head, and write it out from beginning to end...well, I'm trying. I've been a storyteller all my life, but writing is different from verbal, and I'm still a rank beginner. Not to mention the blistering pace forced by NaNoWriMo.
Warning: he DOES pop up in Ponyville. However, I don't actually plan to have, y'know, falling-in-love romance. Friendship will happen. I hope I can make it look natural. Maybe 'bromance'? But that's not actually a tag.
I saw it was called gladiator and thought " ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED!!! "
3478789 I'm ashamed to admit that I didn't even consider that. :D And yet, it is awesome. I hope no-one thinks this is a crossover....they will be disappointed.
3479502
Would be a awesome cross over though Maximus in Equestria a former roman general turned Gladiator. That is awesome you should at least use the line in this. (" ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED") it would be good.
3479804 You know, I think I will. It will be very meta, and it will make me smile. Thanks for the suggestion!
3479831
That's okay. It's one of the most memorable lines in film or movie history. I would honestly be surprised if you didn't its a story about a Gladiator with mental problems from all the death he's seen well at least that what I interpret. It's like Maximus's story having his family killed and hung on his own house he still traumatised by there deaths, just like how Wesley is about Splinter. So ... I am entertained.
Hmm... I'm not sure I like it, but I'm definitely intrigued.
And since curiosity to see where this is going will keep me coming back, have a favorite.
I haven't been able to getonline for awhile, but I finally come on and find that there are 3 new chapters.
yes
I love the idea of this story. So glad you kept writing.
Love it
3502300 I'm glad you're enjoying it! Thanks for commenting.
The not they, I know you only did it as a mistake
Bit, not buck.
Not trying to sound mean, just trying to help
3503835Fixed, and fixed. This is very helpful!
I don't have a proofreader, and most of these are just getting a once-over and a spell-check before going up. Right now I'm focusing on writing as much as possible as fast as possible, since it's National Novel Writing Month. Your help is greatly appreciated! I'm also pleasantly surprised that despite my lack of plotting, people are enjoying this.
3503996 really, that's amazing. The story is great and it seems to have a well thought out plot in it.
3503996 if you want I can proofread
3504769 It seems that way because in the beginning of the story, I just need to throw some random plot threads in, and the promise is enough to make it look good. Time will tell if I'm able to hold it together into something coherent, or if it will devolve into plot-less filler or overdone kudzu plot. Your assurance is very good to hear, though.
If I wasn't posting these pretty much as fast as I write them, I'd gladly take you up on your offer to proof...but since I don't want to delay between writing and posting, if you would simply comment on the errors you find, that will be more than enough.
3504890 sure anything to help you out.
A little bit to long for a sentence. Try this:
I stepped through the door behind her and saw a brilliantly white unicorn with an immaculately coiffured mane. She was shaking her head while examining a dropped sewing basket that had spilled bobbins and rolls of thread all across the floor.
Try
I had washed it when I could...
Never use a comma, by itself, to combine two ideas. It must have a conjunction or it can be a semicolon. Unless they are used to show more information.
I.e "the state of Florida, known for its beautiful beaches, was owned by the Spanish until 1999."(I know that the date is wrong)
Instead you should have:
She was working on a pattern with paper and pins scattered across the table.
Or
Paper and pins were scattered across the table as she was working on a pattern.
Since they are in the store it has to be
Rarity spun, waving around the store.
Using at would mean that she is outside waving in the direction of the store.
With all that out of the way, the story is progressing quite smoothly. It is very enjoyable to read. Keep up the good work.
3507060 Fixed!
Commas are the bane of my existence; for some reason, my brain throws them in everywhere when I write. Probably half of what my (minimal) editing consists of is evicting extra commas that have sneaked into my sentences.
I start work tomorrow, so updates might slow. We will see. Thanks for the help!
3509010 sweet. Cant wait to read it.
I see you used the commas for more information. But this would sound more smooth. (Except it's almost denim, no a)
They were superbly made of thick double-stitched cotton that was, an almost denim, dark brown and blue.
Comma rule again. Here's some alternatives:
I looked up at the sun guessing the time.
Now with all that done, i would like to say that this is getting pretty cool. Nice ending to the chapter by the way. Anyway thanks for continuing to work on it, and I know I have been saying this a lot, but it really is good.
Can't wait for the next chapter.
I guessed the time by looking at the sun.
After knocking once,
3511695 Fixed! Thanks!
3514062 anytime
Yes! now for things to start up.
Nothing is wrong with this one, I just wanted to let you know that it is a perfect use of the commas for more information.
The sentence is a run on, use commas to help.
The crystals started to warm against my hand and the pins-and-needles feeling, that I'd noticed from my fingers (add earlier here if you want), started to shoot up my arm.
That's it for grammar issues. Love the new chapter, great pace too. It's not to fast to leave out details and not to slow to leave me board, it's just perfect.
3515893
Wait wait, now I have too few?
Dang commas. Thanks for the feedback. It's fixed.
I'm glad the pacing is working. Pacing is something I've been trying to focus on, since it bugs me in other people's stories. I recently realized that just about any sort of stupid thing can be incorporated into a plot if the author is willing to put in the time to 'rationalize' it.
I could really write a blog post or something on this, since it ties into my thoughts on how to fight Mary Sue, as well.
You know what? I think I'll go do that.
3516110 cool I look forward to seeing it.
ooooooooh! Will he be able to use some dark magic now?
3518789 Nope!
If he does get magic, it will be rather later.
But we will see. I have no solid plans, so...anything could happen.
I think you meant dent.
That's it.
why did you have to end on a cliff hanger. Still good. Like the idea of the telefrag I think you called it, very interesting logic behind that.
Still enjoying tata for now.
3520279 Actually, 'rent' does mean a rip or a tear. Although if the word is too confusing, maybe I should change it. I have an...eclectic vocabulary, and I although I do like using odd words, I don't want things to be too weird.
Sorry about the cliffhanger, but the things I cover in chapters are going to get longer as the story progresses, so...yeah. They're going to happen. A little dramatic tension is good for you!
3520353 yeah, I sorta like cliffhangers in a way. Also keep using a wide variety of vocabulary, it keeps from boring someone.its annoying when people use the basic word.
Also I have no grammer issues and im loving the story and plot
Great job. Loved it. Amazing story to say the least. Sad when I couldn't read it on my trip along the east coast yesterday. Still amazing though. No error that I can see. Keep up the good work
3539130 Will do!
My schedule is still up in the air, but I won't quit!
3539702 yay
You deserve all of the fluttershys
You don't use a period in dialogue like that, since 'She said' isn't a sentence. Instead, it would be:
"This will help with the pain," she said.
Bitchen
3546430 Fixed! Thanks!
Sorry, I don't know of any auto publish feature but great chapter
I agree.
3546496 You should go through the chapters and make the relevant changes, that was only one instance.
3546870 I will, eventually. Right now, though, I'm trying to use all my creative energy to push the story forward, and getting into editing will kill that. I'll be careful in future chapters. I'd rather spend my limited free time writing than revising.
was the worst at i despite being so stereotypically '
I believe you mean it not i.
love the whole cracked, rejected element idea.
Omg, this has to be my favorite chapter so far. So good
3571664 Fixed, thanks!
3546651 Bummer. Any idea how I'd go about putting a request in? I'm really pretty new here.