I Don't Know What To Write!

by Super Trampoline

Chapter the Last and Only

"Gahhhh! Spike, help me!" she shouted at me for probably the fifth time this morning. Like the other four times, I was at a loss as for how to help her. You know the phrase "Sisters: can't live with them, can't live without them"? Well I was definitely sitting towards the "Can't live with" part of the saying right now.

"Sigh... I've offered you help. How do you want me to help you? Every time you exclaim 'Gahhhh! Spike, help me!' is another five seconds I could have been reading my comic book. HOW can I help you?!"

"I don't know!" Twilight exclaimed, doing her usual 'pacing in circles' routine. "Just help me somehow!"

"Twilight," I deadpanned (Because when she is being annoying and dysfunctional like this I have every right to deadpan.), "how can you expect me to help you when you won't tell me how to help you?" I know I shouldn't encourage her neurotic behavior, but hey, I'm thirteen. Being an ass is in my job description.

"Guh, I don't know! Just... brainstorm with me or something. It's Friday morning! my letter to Celestia is due tomorrow! I'm not going to freak out like I used to, but still you know how I HATE being tardy!"

Sometimes I suspect the sole reason Celestia gave me to the Light-Velvet family was to keep Twilight Jr. (my sister) from going insane. But who do I get to keep her from driving me insane, huh? Rarity doesn't offer psychological counseling unfortunately. Which is totally too bad. Anyway...

"Twilight, you and I BOTH know that Princess Celestia doesn't expect you to send these letters. YOU expect you to send those letters to her. I've...sigh... told you this multiple times before, but I'll remind you again that Celestia has repeatedly emphasized that your friendship letters are strictly OPTIONAL. She has stated this on seven seperate occasions, the most recent time being when you had your last breakdown, March 23rd."

Twilight smiled. "Spike, you keep track of my mental breakdowns? You're so organized! I'm so proud of my little brother!" She stopped pacing long enough to squeeze me into a hug. Then she continued. "Spike, why do you keep track of my breakdowns? That's kind of creepy."

"Sorry Twi," I said. "OSHA requirement."

"Oh, okay. I'm uh... glad you follow rules and regulations. But that's not going to help my letter get written. I know, I know, I don't actually have to send her a letter. But it's a tradition. A huge tradition. I've been sending her letters for years now. It's actually easier now being a princess; I don't just have to -- I mean get to... heh-- deal with my own friendship problems, I try to sort out issues for hundreds of thousands of other ponies. But I've got nothing this week. Everything's going right! Normally, that would be a great thing, but right now it's not. My sending letters is a tradition. I can't neglect it Spike! Celestia might think something is wrong! This is important! So please please please please pleeeeaaase help me!"

You know, I have a lot of time to think about stuff, what with not going to school or anything. Among the things I've thought about are how to placate Twilight when she gets all crazy like this. Right now it was time for Twilight Placating Maneuver #327. I have all these on index cards, but this particular response I have memorized. I was excited, this would actually be my first time getting to use it!

"Twilight, what are some of the situations Princess Celestia has asked you to deal with?"

She paused in her pacing. "What does that have to do with anything?"

"Work with me here Twi," I responded. "Answer the question."

"Okay, Okay, so umm, well she sent me to Ponyville ostensibly to do party planning but in fact to take charge of the Elements of Harmony and together with my newfound friends defeat Nightmare Moon and save the world."

"Good, Go on. What else has she trusted you with?"

"Well," she continued, "She trusted my friends and I to defeat Discord, and I came through thanks to her encouragement in the darkest hour. But then she DIDN'T TRUST ME when I, who know my brother better than ANYPONY ELSE except maybe his wife, INSISTED that he was being brainwashed by an EVIL BI-- MPHMPMPHH!!!"

I grabbed her muzzle. "Alright, bad example, move on."

She calmed down. "Heh, sorry. Ummmm, she trusted my friends and I to help out in the Crystal Empire, and specifically trusted me to make the right decisions as far as her test went, which of course you know because I deligated saving an empire to you when I no longer could."

I blushed. "Awww, thanks Twi. Any other situations?"

"Of course! She thought I had matured enough to grow a pair of these!" She poofed out her wings proudly, making a smug face."

"Exactly girl, and you also saved her when the Everfree forest went bananas! And then you negotiated with the pirates from the south last year and got them to leave us alone, a diplomatic masterpiece! And there was that one time when rockodiles invaded the Canterlot sewer system --which was pretty cool actually except for the whole pony-eating part. And a bunch of other examples I could probably think of. But I think you get the point."

She giggled. "Sort of Spike, I get that she trusts me with a lot of responsibilities. But what does that have to do with my friendship reports?"

It was time for my pièce de résistance (pardon my Prench.). "So do you think Celestia trusts you?"

"Of course, I just said that," she replied.

"Well then," I finished, "I think she will assume that if you don't send a friendship report this week, it isn't because there has been a disaster or you are lazy or something. It's just 'cause you have nothing to say. You have to have faith that she has faith in you." I folded my arms and smiled. Checkmate, Twilight freaking out!

She paused, processing this new viewpoint. "So wait..." she said slowly. "You're saying that if I don't send the Friendship report she'll be expecting me to send, she won't banish me to magic kindergarden?"

I faceclawed. "Twilight, did you really think that might happen?"

She blushed. "Well... no but... I maybe got worked up about it because I thought she would get worked up about it, because I assumed she would assume the worst."

Uh-huh uh-huh uh-huh. Spike: 1, Twilight: 0. "Yeah, so do you feel kinda silly now Twilight?"

"Heh, yeah. BUT! I know what to write about now!

I just rolled my eyes. I am completely justified in doing so.

"Spike," she told me, "take a letter."

I did.

---

Dear Princess Celestia,

Today I learned that not only should I have faith in my friends, but that I also should always trust that they have faith in me. True friends won't abandon you even if you have a slip up here and there, and sometimes I have a hard time remembering that. I was freaking out because I had nothing to send you for my friendship report, but Spike reminded me that you have more than enough faith in me to understand that if I don't stick to my correspondence schedule, there's probably a good reason for it. I KNOW that you've told me this before, but apparently I needed reminding. But hey, now I have a great friendship report to send you, so it all worked out in the end!

~Your faithful student, Princess Twilight Sparkle

P.S.: I, Spike, would like to remind you that I was totally the one who helped her realize this! You should probably thank me with gems or something for keeping your protégé from having one of her moments! ~Sincerly, Spike

Author's Note:

Comments

[TwiwnB]

I enjoyed this . The smileys all over the place and the references I didn't get (links...) were kind of bothering, but altogether it was a nice story with enough humor and good pacing to make it work.

when the Everfree forest went bananas! And then you negotiated with the pirates from the south

Love those kind of references to let the reader just imagine whatever he wants. Works great in that context.

"So do you think Celestia trusts you?"

And it all had a point.
I'm only a little disappointed that you didn't go with the "trusted me" to the very end with that sentence:

"Of course! She thought I had matured enough to grow a pair of these!"

This is the third sentence about the princess, and the two last began with "she trusted me...". This one doesn't. In a perfect world, the repetition would have been kept, maybe even by Spike (well, maybe with a variation of the verb "trust" to not be too direct and lack subbtlety.)
Maybe a "she showed her faith in me" or something like that.

But quite honestly, I'm just nitpicking for the fun of it. Nice little story. And I totally identify with Spike, which means that the story has done its work in my book.

[Super Trampoline]

3511112 I know I'm moving up in the world when I get unsolicited advice! Thanks for the constructive criticism. I'll go back and tweak stuff though not right this second. Have a great day!

[TwiwnB]

3511126

Thanks for the constructive criticism.

Thanks for taking it so well .

Have a great day!

Thank you. I hope that writing this story will have helped you with the writer's block.

[Leonzilla]

Like and fave because Fimfiction ads are best story ads.

[Super Trampoline]

3520761 Thanks! but I think you mean "Ad" not "add"

[DX-1118 C]

3520764 I'm new, too check me out!

[twilight the scribe]

I love the postscript at the end, and how Spike has more than 300 ways to placate Twilight listed down. Comes with living with a OCD pony, eh?

[Super Trampoline]

3606604

You have NOOOO idea. I mean, we're talking about a mare who once set a kitchen on fire because her oatmeal was lumpy. ~Spike

[twilight the scribe]

3607086

and also blowing up golden oaks library because of 'just a test".

Spike (staring at tattered remains of pillow armor.) "well that didn't work... Maybe its time for a new line of defence" (takes a checklist from Twilights stash and starts scribbling...) "muahahahaha!"

[Leeroy Gabekins]

Once again, I love this guy! (Thumbs up if you get the reference.)

[Super Trampoline]

3633346 Thanks! Unfortunately I don't get the reference. Unfortunately, a search for "I love this guy!" Isn't very helpful.

[Leeroy Gabekins]

3633382 The Lorax. Didn't think you'd get that one. But it was a good story!

[Super Trampoline]

3633517 The only part of the movie I've seen is that one weird catchy song that I ironically can't think of the name of right now where The Onceler is singing about economics and social darwinism and biggering and biggering.

but I love the book.

[Leeroy Gabekins]

3633549 Yes! That movie had one of the best bunch of songs ever for an animated movie in my opinion.

[Super Trampoline]

4310698 Why, pray tell?

[Wise Cracker]

Couple of little grammar issues, a missing capital letter here and there, but a nice little oneshot. Not entirely sold on the gimmicky emotes, but the OSHA link was a nice find. All in all, good stuff

[superfun]

I wonder exactly how many Twilight Placating maneuvers there are...