Tick...
Tock...
Tick...
Tock...
"So bored..." I groaned.
After subjecting Sunbutt to advanced counter-interrogation torture, one of her guards busted into the room. Said that he had some kind of urgent news or something for her.
So I was left all alone for a while. Nothing else in this empty room, except me, my chains, and this jail cell...
Tick... Tock... Tick... Tock... Tick... Tock...
Wait, I just realized... I'm in an empty room, with nothing but me and my jail cell...
...
"WHERE THE FUCK ARE THE CLOCK NOISES COMING FROM?!"
Prologue ACT II: Send in the Minion-Bots!
In the town of Ponyville, it was a peaceful day. The sun was shining, the birds were singing, random robot creatures were appearing out of thin air, the ponies were running around town screaming, everything was completely normal for Ponyville.
"EVERYPONY! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!"
"ALIENS! ROBOTS! ZOMBIES!"
"OH, THE HORROR! THE HORROR!"
Meanwhile, a few robots stood around in the middle of town, forming up in an organized fashion, occasionally joined by others. They were all kinda standing there, observing the many berserk ponies running around.
One robot in a yellow body and white construction hat commented, "This is a very... eccentric place." in his robotic voice.
Next to him, a robot with a red body and military helmet replied, "Yes... Yes it is." in a similar robotic voice.
Not knowing what to do without their somewhat-beloved leader to guide them, they did nothing except stand there. It was silent... disregarding the screams of the ponies running around in terror. But otherwise, silent.
"We're not gonna survive this place, are we?"
"Nope."
Kinda uncharacteristic for the robots to act... un-robot-like, don't you think? Well, that's because Connery programmed his robots to have free-will.
"How the hell did he program robots to have free-will?" You may ask.
"Milk." He would reply.
"What." You may respond to that.
"What?" He would respond back.
...
"GOD DAMMIT, STOP TRYING TO KILL ME, YOU CRAZY HORSE!" A faraway blue robot yelled, running away from a flying blue pegasus with a rainbow mane.
"YOU ALIEN ROBOTS AIN'T SO TOUGH! COME BACK HERE, I'M GONNA KICK THE BOLTS OUTTA YA!" She yelled in return, flying past while leaving a trail of a rainbow.
*CRASH*
"OH GOD, MY LEG!"
"That medical-bot is getting his ass kicked by a rainbow pony."
"Ha. Gay."
"Shouldn't we help?" The yellow bot asked.
The red one just stared at the yellow one for a moment. "Whhyyy?"
"Okay yeah, good point."
Yep... Just another normal day in Ponyville.
After Celestia left the strange being alone in his cell, she had reports from her guards that mechanical creatures were appearing out of nowhere within various parts of Equestria. Some that appeared in Canterlot were quickly captured and sent to the castle, now laid before Celestia to be observed. Although their bodies seemed similar to the one who called himself 'Connery NotEvilGuy,' there were obvious differences.
While the one she just interrogated was organic in appearance, the things in front of her looked anything but. They also seemed to differentiate by their color schemes and symbols on their chests. The red ones wore a red-camouflage colored military helmet and had the symbol of a white circle with a red shield on top. The yellow ones wore a white construction helmet, and instead of a shield, had a symbol of a yellow hammer. Lastly, the blue ones wore a stereotypical physicians head mirror, and had the symbol of a blue cross.
She had wanted to question these creatures in hopes of getting information of what or who they were, since her attempts with the other one left her with a migraine. But questioning failed with them too, as they seemed to only respond in this unrecognizable language.
"I-sa don't-sa speak-sa horse-sa. Sorry-sa about-sa that-sa."
Celestia was certain that questions to the existence of these new mysterious species could only be answered by this 'Connery NotEvilGuy.' So she intended to walk straight up to him and demand answers. No more games, and no more foalish babbling.
She was also sure that this new being had ill intentions planned for her and her little ponies. Seriously, did he really expect Celestia to believe THAT ridiculous name was his real one? 'NotEvilGuy'? Did he expect her to be as naive as a little filly? She'd show him as to why he should never underestimate her.
Having thought that, when she arrived back at his cell, she was not expecting to see an open and empty cage. Surprised, she quickly trotted up to the cell gate, and noticed a sticky-note attached to the gate. She levitated it up to read it.
Bored and hungry. BRB. KTHXBAI.
-Connery NotEvilGuyP.S. Found the clock! Gonna keep it.
...
"GUUUUUAAAAARDS!!!"
Not a second later, several armed guards rushed to her call. "What's wrong your majesty?! Is there trouble?!" One of them asked.
"The prisoner, he escaped his cell! He left behind this note!" She said with urgency.
One of the guards stepped up and read the note. He then gasped, and yelled with great astonishment, "HE FOUND THE CLOCK!"
...
...
...
Then outcry.
"WHAT?!" "IMPOSSIBLE!" "HOW DID HE DO IT?!" "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!" "OUTRAGEOUS!"
Celestia just stood there, and face-hoofed.
"OK, I HAVE BEEN WALKING AROUND FOR PAST TEN MINUTES NOW, AND I CAN'T FIND A GOD DAMN ICE CREAM PARLOR IN THIS PLACE. WHAT THE HELL KIND OF CASTLE IS THIS IF IT DOESN'T HAVE A GOD DAMN ICE CREAM PARLOR?! WHERE THE FUCK IS THE KIDS SECTION?!"
So, I was able to escape my prison, and walked out with a very nice looking clock as a souvenir. Now, I was currently trying to find an ice cream parlor in this place, if I hadn't made that clear enough.
After that, I should find a way to escape, or at least gain a source of information to learn more about this alien world. What little facts I knew so far, was that the aliens are ponies, they have a monarch, and they didn't have FREAKING ICE CREAM PARLORS IN THEIR CASTLES!
*PING* *PING* *PING*
"What's this? Story development I hope, because I am SO BORED right now!" I said excitingly.
I pulled out a ridiculously large radar with an oversize satellite attached to it from my back pocket. No, don't ask me how it fits inside. It just does.
"Hmm. Several minion-units are detected nearby? Finally, something interesting is going to happen!" I gleefully exclaimed.
I threw the random plot device out a nearby window, which caused a cat to screech for some reason, and happily marched my way forward.
Until the guards ran around the corner and surrounded me in a circle, that is.
"HALT, IN THE NAME OF EQUESTRIA AND HER HIGHNESS!" One of them commanded.
Now, I would normally feel threatened and intimidated, but... C'mon, seriously? I was surrounded by cute pastel ponies! What threat could they possibly pose?
So in response to their demands, I wittingly retorted, "Yeah? And why should I?"
To which they responded by pointing their very, very pointy spears at my face.
To which I calmly replied with, "You guys make a very convincing argument."
Now I felt threatened and intimidated.
"We have located and cornered the escaped creature, your highness." One of the mooks said.
I turned around to see more pointy spears behind me, and a horse-princess glaring daggers at me.
Brr! Seriously... if stares could kill...
"How did you escape your confinement?" She angrily asked me. "What magic could you have used to escape so easily?"
"I just left..." I answered quietly.
Well, that seemed to surprise her, because she stopped with her glare, and instead just stared at me, stupefied. "You just left?"
I nodded.
"But... That prison cage was highly secured by advance enchantment spells from ancient wizard scholars of the past! How did you bypass all those spells?!"
"I 'unno. I just left?" I answered again, uncertainly.
She stuttered incoherently for a moment, wrapping her mind around the fact that I easily escaped her magical prison cell by just walking out, completely ignorant of the fact that I used my tool kit to bust out. After a while, she slowly face-hoofed again, and sighed.
"No matter. You are coming with me." Wow. She sounded tired. I wonder why?
"Guards, please capture him and relocate him to a different cell." She ordered.
Oh balls.
As the guards moved closer to capture me, I was trying my best to think of a way to escape my predicament.
C'mon, think think think. What can I do to get out of this? HOW THE HELL CAN I MAKE A DAMN TRANSPORTAL GUN WHEN I'M DRUNK, AND YET I CAN'T THINK OF A DAMN ESCAPE PLAN WHEN I'M SOBER?! Okay, okayokayokayokay. Magic? They do magical shit. She was talking about me have magic? C'mon...
EUREKA!
"AH-um-uh, ANCIENT FORBIDDEN MAGIC ART TECHNIQUE!" I suddenly screamed, going into a fake martial art stance.
That seemed to have caught their attention, as Celestia's pupils shrank in fear, (which is weird how I could see that from this far away,) and ordered, "Get back! He's summoning some kind of forbidden spell!"
The guards quickly obeyed, jumped back, and went into a defensive stance. Perfect!
I put my hands together near my utility belt, while looking like I was charging up an attack.
"KAH MEY HA MEY..."
They all flinched.
...
"Fuck-this-noise-I'm-outta-here-NOJITSU!" I threw a smoke grenade at my feet and ran away Three Stooges Style!
"WOOP WOOP WOOP WOOP WOOP!"
As the smoke cleared, and the princess and all the guards ceased coughing, they all realized that I was gone!
It appears that...
*Pull down Evil Goggles*
...
I just left.
Hahahahahaha. What kind of sorcery is this. probably the overpowered magic cell don't really have a secured door just a overpowered wall.
Continue. Fuck the Past. Fuck the Plot. Fuck the Police, and Fuck the Plot.
MOAR!!!!!!
I'd like to hear about his past.
EDIT; this story needs more ink pouch...
Hmm... this is tough. On one hand, we could continue with his Equestrian shenanigans. On the other hand, we could watch his past shenanigans. I piiiiiiiiiick... continue. Maybe a backstory some other chapter.
I LOVE YOU
3574751
Are you a hot girl? If so, I LOVE YOU TOO!
Are you a guy? If so, I LOVE YOU TOO! (In a platonic and non-homosexual kind of way.)
....PLOOOOOT
its all about the plot
this guy.....
I would love to read about his past.
Could you also maybe add a romance interest? Maybe with Twilight or Pinkie? That would be cool.
3574832
I... I rather not.
I mean, sure, I like romance stories that involve Twilight or any of the Mane 6, but I'd rather stray away from romance for a while. Connery is a random guy that just so happens to have an army of robots and a super genius brain. He does not fall in love with any of the ponies, sadly.
Although, in his highschool, he did have a crush on a girl. But the story won't be based on romance that much.
... eh... yeah... I'm amused, continue.
This is ridiculously idiotic.
And I love every bit of it.
roto2.com/superroto2.png
3575033
I can't tell if this is a good reaction or a bad reaction.
You need a comma between "OH" and "THE."
I still love you, Jar Jar.
It is his Timey-Wimey Detector, it goes *PING* when there is stuff. Also, his pockets are bigger on the inside.
Wow, Dragon Ball, Naruto, and Futurama all referenced in the span of five sentences.
Continue on with the story. Explaining Connery's back story all at once would reduce the randomness of his actions. Revealing his past and past inventions slowly throughout the story as he reveals them to the ponies, and to us as an audience, will let Connery keep his air of mystery. If we know too much about him too soon, he would lose his appeal as a character, and become predictable.
3575207
Hmm... good point.
ON TO THE NEXT CHAPTER!
...
After playing some AssCreed4
3575141
I almost broke a rib laughting at that, pretty good damn reaction if you ask me
Ps: gimme moar
Loving this story. Will the robots survive to see the end of the story?
3575489
Look at the first chapter introduction. See if you can spot the word "robot" in there.
Character development while interacting with ponies, not when scaping bat-shit while trying to reunion his slave-bots. MOAR FOR CELESTIA'S BEARD! TIS IN MY TOP 5 FAV!
3575496
Lolwut?
"Ha, gay."
I damn near pissed myself at that point, but dude, SO MANY TENSE ERRORS!
Ah I remember, this is the kind of story i have to be drunk to read.
3575504 In other words, this is one of my favorite fics of all FimFic, so i need moar in order to keep sane
3575207
Nahh. Time-Wimey Detectors go *ding*, not *ping*.
One of the guards stepped up and read the note. He then gasped after finishing, and yelled with great fear, "HE FOUND THE CLOCK!"
Silent pause...
...
"WHAT?!" "IMPOSSIBLE!" "HOW DID HE DO IT?!" "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!" "OUTRAGEOUS!"
Celestia just stood there, and face-hoofed.
This part of the story, is the single most funniest thing I've ever read, in the history of stories.
Because of this part, it made me laugh , cry from pure joy , and forced me to sign up to fimfiction because I had to post this comment.
You sir have just won the internets for me, and I love you for that (no homo)
Be proud, be proud.
Oh, yes, lay the hammer on him. His robots are clearly such a serious threat! Evil Queen Bitch Sunbutt.
Can you spy the word in this sentence that tells you what will happen to the soon-to-be-redshirts?
Seriously? What reason does she have to be angry?
What does KTHXBAI mean?
3947442 k thanks bye
you just made my day lolz
Holy crap this story rocks so far! I will definitely keep reading it
CAN'T STOP LAUGHING! You. ARE. A. GENIUS!
...Are you a Whovian?
"KAH MEY HA MEY..."
They all flinched.
"... Fuck-this-noise-I'm-outta-here-NOJUTSU!" I threw a smoke grenade at my feet and ran away like Zoidberg!
"WOOP WOOP WOOP WOOP WOOP!"
Nightmare_Lungs.exe has stopped working...
5218105 *Replaces lungs and uses magic to heal her* You are back alive! XD
OH NO THE FOUND THE CLOCK wait oh there's my face burger
You know that task I created for myself to not laugh outloud during this story or else bad things will happen to me, yeah really really hard right now!
MY.MY.MY SIDES HURT! MADE IT STOP HAHAHAHAHAHA THIS IS TOO MUUUUUUUUCH! *CRYS*
P.S. Sir you made the most bad-ass story ever xD
this story.
it's priceless.
"Milk."
...I knew I was doing something wrong. I was using juice. Juice!
6246024
Use goats milk if you want intelligent minion-bots.
6246024 Huh, and you think YOU fucked up...
*Looks over at the two robots wearing trillby hats and suspenders, duking it out over a pint*
... I used Irish Whiskey. Was the only thing I had laying around at the time...
Hahahaha😂😂😂😂..... My sides hurts so bad but I can't stop reading. Had to stop my self from falling off the couch
This is the most beautifull story I've ever seen on this cursed website.