- Member Since 22nd Oct, 2013
- offline last seen Mar 10th, 2014
D_MoneyXIII-2
14 Year old male living in New York City. I love basketball, video games, and in secret I am a brony. I don't have a favorite ship, and most of my reading and/or writing is for mature audiences only.
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- BronyforMLP · 1.2k words · 13 24 · 1.1k views
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Not the worst I've ever read. Pretty good overall for a first attempt. Would've preferred detail over authors comments though throughout the story. Remember, detail is your best friend.
Oh yeah, I'll be watching this too. Would like to see where it goes.
Sometimes I scan the new stories box here and there, picking out something randomly. I was delighted to see a Twidash story, after all, they are my main topic of choice.
However, there was a lot of issues in this "story."
1. I understand what you were trying to do with the whole Scootaloo thing, but that idea and then the little conversation between Rainbow and Rarity didn't seem to connect at all. It was like 2 random ideas squashed together, and it didn't work well.
2. Don't use "xxxxxx" in the story to space out parts. There is an option for page breaks, I'd highly recommend using this instead. Makes it look much better.
3. You need to space out your quotes better. For example...
Should be...
This makes the story easier to read overall. Bunching up dialogue like that can make it difficult to distinguish who is saying and doing something.
4. Slow down with your writing!
You basically told us the main plot of the story in under 1000 words. Expand on your descriptions, and let the story flow and stretch out on its own. Put some emphasis into things, like the scenery or how a character might be feeling in a specific situation.
You don't need to rush into things. Make it into a story people will want to read and will enjoy reading. Right now it seems jumbled and needs a lot of work. (Your spelling was good, thank you for that
).
5. Eliminate any hesitancy in your description. Re-write it to be eye catching while also doing a good job to explain what the story is about, without giving anything away. So what if it's Twidash? 9/11 of all my stories are Twidash
And I'm still writing about them.
Most of all be confident in your writing, as corny as it sounds.
DJRD
3541186 at least I tried to be nice to a first time writer...
But unfortunately he is correct. Please take time to look over for mistakes and such.
3541223 I wasn't being mean at all. I just explained out some of the problems. I have this on my read later list, as I'm interesting to see how this improves over time.
3541236 I just put it on my watch. I never read my read later list. Currently got 50 something in there.(lol)
Perhaps I should have used different wording?
3541246 I got 100 lol. Some people have thousands.
And no worries.
3541236
Thank you for the constructive criticism, I will admit that this was rushed.(I was in starbucks with my laptop waiting for someone lol) But yeah I will definitely work on it.
3541246
Thanks for the advice, I'll take it into account when I make the next chapter.
That'll take a while....
3541312
It'll be worth it trust me, besides I have a lot to work on as far as my writing goes...
so, with all of the constructive criticism being given, are you planning on going back and re-doing this chapter?
Okay, so I know this is your first fic and all, but I'm going to be honest and try to give some constructive criticism here.
In short, this needs work. First thing I recommend is finding an editor/proofreader to help you go over what you write and develop it so it can shine and to help get rid of those pesky little typos that we all tend to make (eg: "Cherilee" is spelled "Cheerilee"). Second, slow down. What you covered in the span of a little over 1k words could easily be flushed out to span a few 2-3k chapters. For example, that thing with Diamond Tiara and Sweetie went by way to fast to the extent that we couldn't see any development between the two from enemies to friends. What were they thinking? What were they feeling? Why would Diamond Tiara suddenly accept Sweetie's offer for friendship and why would Cheerilee grant a foal permission to jump over a building? And why on earth would Sweetie know that spell?
I agree with basically everything DJRD said up there, so take it to heart. None of this is meant to be an attack, but just writers helping writers. Just a couple other things in specific I want to point out...
...Why wouldn't you get descriptive in the first chapter? There is a fine line between showing and telling, but you don't seem to have a grasp on that quite yet (which is fine, you're just starting out). This is a mature clopfic according to the tags, so don't be afraid to describe in some degree that Diamond Tiara has just spouted a dick. Also, how much older are these foals from the show? I'm assuming they're a might bit older, but you should be clear. Also, it's generally bad practice to break the 4th wall like that in your narrative. It takes the reader away from what is written and is kinda frustrating.
So... did you mean Scootaloo here? Why would Rarity want to talk with Scoots? I is confused
The 1st chapter has been updated! Enjoy!
minus the fact that this is based on a centered format, it's not bad. it's also kinda fast paced, so i'd suggest maybe slowing it down.
this really does have a lot of potential, but it needs to be fleshed out more. everything is kind of two-dimensional at this point.
3557615
I don't really understand...
3558227 it's kinda hard to explain. there doesn't seem to be a lot of in-depth character growth, scenery creation, or showing dialogue. so far, the characters kinda act like they're actors, saying the lines without the inner thoughts that would normally go along with them. with the scenery, there were a couple of instances where you could have built up the stage, but instead went with just a skim over. and by showing dialogue, i meant having them say want you want them to say, but also including a description of what gestures they are doing, faces they are making, or feelings they are experiencing, when they are talking. it's the difference between watching two statues have a conversation, and actually be able to imagine what they look like when they are conversing. don't get me wrong, i usually leave this up to the professionals-the guys and gals who do this shit all the time-but i felt that this had a whole lot of potential, and so i added in my two cents.
3558252
Ohh...things are starting to become more clearer in my head...
3562247 well at least i managed to do something right.
3562249
Lol I'll work on it in my next chapter. I really appreciate the constructive criticism
3562290 not a problem. although i do suggest maybe teaming up with an editor who's more experienced than i am. they can go over your story and give you specific examples of how something could be improved.
3562319
Your not the first person to tell me that, but I don't really know where to look...
3562370
try this on for size.
3562402
Thank you so much!
3562436 no problem! i always do what i can to help.
Alright then! First off, I'm glad to see that a few people have been polite and helpful. It's great when the community can come together like that. I'm also glad to be able to plainly see that the advice given has been heeded. Even so, there are a few things to be improved. This story is not bad, but things can always be better. Look out for little things like accidentally using the wrong (your/you're) or (there/their/they're). Also, in the future, try to really expand ideas. Show some more character interactions, for one. When Diamond and Sweetie got locked in the back room, alone together, I was half expecting them to give in to lust and have their way for a bit. This is marked as a clopfic, after all. Even though that wasn't the case, they could've talked some more. According to one of the comments, the two of them became friends. When did that even happen? I didn't notice it at all.
I may have dragged on there. I tend to digress. My point is, this could stand to improve some more. I'll be watching it, and you, because I want to know how your writing goes.
I'm seeing things like "i'll", "t.he", and improper "your" just glancing back at the end. Also, it's not clear where "SPIKE!!!" was supposed to be coming from. Was it Twilight? Was it a new character? Did the Rainboom just make a really weird noise?
This is a very slight improvement from the first chapter, albeit short. If you've found a proofreader, that's great. I'm sure they'll be able to offer some helpful advice. If you're still looking, I'd be happy to pre-read for you. Message me about it if you'd like.
3738248
Sounds great, your a great help.
Um wat good story though
I wasn't expecting DT having a crush but I was expecting Sweetie to pop that question and DT to say she was jealous.