The Sentinels; or, The End of Chaos

by DeitrichEP1

Morning

Chapter 2

Morning

Ever since Twilight’s days of study in Canterlot, she liked to begin her day before dawn, settling by a window with a cozy blanket, a good book, and a view of the eastward sky. As Princess Celestia’s prized student, she considered it a ritual of respect to devote each day’s first moments progressing in her studies beneath the beautiful sunrise that her mentor faithfully conjured up from the Royal Palace. After the sun had risen fully over the horizon, she felt content and reassured; no matter what trials she was facing or what worries were weighing down her mind, she could count on the dawn, and she could count on the Princess.

This night had not been particularly good to her. The steady wind made her beloved library creak and moan as if in pain, the darkness in her bedroom felt thick and oppressive, and she slept fitfully.

It seemed as though she had only found peace for a second when she suddenly jolted from sleep. Blinking wearily, she sat up from bed to find herself sweating and trembling in the dark.

Ugh, my head… What an awful dream... What time is it?

The red LED numbers were the only thing visible in the darkness.

5:45am…

She knew that she would be awoken in a half hour anyway, and that sleep was not likely to return, but her eyelids felt weighted with exhaustion. She flopped back down on her pillow and fell asleep surprisingly quickly, as if whatever was pestering her during the night had run its course.

The soft bells from her alarm clock woke her; 6:15am. Twilight was a light sleeper, and she could never understand how anypony could have a good day after being startled awake by terrifying electric buzzing. Instantly awake, she lifted her head, reached one hoof out of the warm covers and flicked the alarm off. Naturally, she had opted for a clock with no snooze button. She would never say it, but she had always thought that snooze buttons were for lazy ponies. Though, to each his own, she supposed.

Wow, for only a half hour, I feel so much more rested! What an awful night... I’ll have to tell Spike about that crazy nightmare; though, he’ll probably tell me again that all my studying is cooking my giant egghead.

She giggled at the thought. She could hear his not-so-faint snoring from the other side of the room and felt a small rush of affection for the little dragon. He was something between a little brother and a son to her, and the presence of somepony you love is always comforting.

I’ll let him sleep in today. It is a Sunday, after all, and the library is remarkably clean. In fact, we don’t have many chores at all. With all this time, I’ll definitely be able to finish my book today!

She smiled with anticipation and threw the covers off. She walked quietly into the kitchen to make a cup of tea, then to the shelves to fetch the copy of Magical Catastrophes of Equestrian History that she had been working so hard to finish. It was more like a brick than a book, as thick as it was wide. Twilight found that darkly humorous. But, she reasoned, what could be more important than learning from ponies’ past mistakes? Levitating it before her horn, she continued to her balcony to read by the light of the breaking dawn, which, if her timing was right—and it always was—should begin in five minutes, at 6:40 sharp.

She laid on the balcony in the brisk air, a heavy comforter under her to pad the wooden floor, and one over her to keep out the air which had not yet been warmed by the sun. As she rolled onto her side to get comfortable, she suddenly noticed her wings.

Still not used to these things… I wonder how many ponies have ever had to get used to brand new, functioning body parts. Come to think of it, were Celestia and Luna born with their wings, or did they appear like mine when they became Princesses?

She wasn’t sure, but she decided to ask Celestia when they next talked. Now that she was a princess, she was able—required, actually—to talk with the Royal Sisters much more often, and she was thankful for that. She admired both of them so much; they were practically walking embodiments of experience and wisdom, not to mention their astonishing magical power. Celestia, however, as her mentor since fillyhood, would always have a special place in her heart. Her mind began to wander as she wondered about their history, and how they became royalty in the first place. She wondered about the deep history of Equestria, which she had only ever heard her mentor hint at. The Princesses treated that topic with such mystery and reverence that Twilight had always felt that that knowledge was “above her pay grade,” so to speak. She wondered whether more would be revealed to her now that she was a princess herself—which she still found unbelievable—and she felt a thrill of excitement at the thought. She sat, lost in contemplation, leaving her book untouched, until it hit her.

Wait, shouldn’t the sun have risen by now?

Twilight felt a tinge of fear, knowing that she had been deep in thought for much longer than five minutes. She quickly rose, turned, and peeked inside for a glance at the nearest clock.

6:50am.

The shock hit her like a train.

…what? The dawn is… late? Celestia would never let that happen; she never has, ever. I know! Somehow, my clock is fast. I always set my clocks precisely to Canterlot Standard Time, but… maybe this clock is broken! Maybe it stopped at 6:50pm last night!

She breathed a sigh of relief, but then remembered.

My alarm clock. Two of my clocks couldn’t suddenly be wrong at the same time.

For good measure, she ran into the kitchen and hesitantly read the clock on the wall.

6:52am.

She looked, panicked, back at the sky. Not only was there no sun, but there were also…

No stars?! But, Princess Luna… What the hay is going on?!

Simultaneously, Luna’s heart raced and she lamented that she did not know the spell to send an instant letter to Twilight through Spike.

“Who are the fastest stallions? Two of you, go! Get Princess Twilight at her library in Ponyville, NOW! Bring her here! Make haste, please!”

Twilight paced on her balcony, waiting for something, anything. A twinkle from one star. The faintest pink light on the horizon. A letter from Celestia announcing a new Daylight Savings Time. Anything.

Her panic was interrupted by the approaching beat of frantic wings.

“Princess Twilight, Your Highness! Luna requests your presence at the Royal Palace immediately!”

Her heart sank.

It would be the most difficult teleportation spell she had ever attempted, by far. She had not yet tried to get even as far as Fluttershy’s cottage. Her magic was more powerful than ever, but teleportation grew exponentially more difficult with distance. Even the Sisters arrived in carriages or flew themselves when they visited Ponyville.

If she got it wrong, she could end up anywhere, but this was an emergency.

Imagining the Throne Room in Canterlot Castle as precisely as she could, she visualized herself there and began to direct energy to her horn, wrapping strands of magic around her body until she was completely covered.

I’m coming, Princess.

She pulled the trigger and released the spell, disappearing from the balcony in an explosive purple flash which lit up Ponyville like daylight.

Comments

[DeitrichEP1]

Any feedback would be appreciated here! I'm looking forward to this one; Hopefully by the time I'm done I'll have given a solid framework to the really fundamental concepts of FIM and the history of Equestria.

Hope you enjoy it.

[IceWolf]

The suspence is killing me ! What happened to Celestia?? I can't wait till the next chapter, goo!d job!

[DeitrichEP1]

3615294 Thanks!
Celestia's POV next chapter.

Chapter title: The Calm Before

[Rabka]

Feedback... this feedback is paid in all the likes this story deserves but doesn’t have.

The suspense is nice, but the expectation is low because we have no idea of what could have happened, as you haven’t presented any evil characters or other things to give the problem meaning.

The chapters could be a little longer, especially since you use a lot of each chapter on things which seem to be secondary things, such as dreams and Twi’s morning routines. There hasn’t happened much in the story at this point.

You are good at writing what the ponies are thinking but the feelings are not that believable, and as a reader you do not feel them. Especially Luna in the ending of ch.1 is jumping to conclusions very fast, not to say that the ending of both chapters seem too fast and that is countering the suspense.

Tip of the day:
The story does not have a captivating beginning (prelude don’t know the right word) and this have to be in the first chapter to capture the most readers.

And there is to much double-spacing in the description of the story

[KariKateora]

I disagree- my expectations are incredibly high for this. I only hope you don't dash them most expertly, good sir.

For the sake of formatting, I think you need to insert a line-break where that part about Luna's actions is, to separate it from Twilight's, else it ruins the flow a little. Other than that, your grammar's refreshingly spot on. You have no idea how much that means to us readers. ^_^

I continue to adore the relationships you're painting here. Twilight's attitude towards the princesses is exactly how I would imagine it myself. I love this story, and I hope you update soon. ^_^

[DeitrichEP1]

3616411
3616529
Thanks for your thoughtful input! Longer chapters are definitely coming. I've approached a crisis from two simultaneous points of view now in the span of a few story hours, so not much has happened in the way of development. The problem's meaning is what the whole project will be about. If what I have planned is what winds up here, this will be a long haul.

Luna's jumping to conclusions because she knows exactly what's going on.

I will work on slowing the pace though, when I step away from it and read it later, it does seem that it came through my keyboard much slower than it will be read, so my perception of pace was too drawn out.

We're gonna hit a landmine and then the story's off and rolling.

Edit: P.S. The questions in the description will get answers through the action of this story, that's my goal. Hopefully it's a good enough hook to keep us all hanging onto it.

[DeitrichEP1]

3616529 Thanks! I'll be steadily working on more. I'll take a look at the Ch. 2 Luna cutaway, I might not have executed that like I wanted to. I appreciate the second look!

[Pleaseworkforonce]

I'll read this over the weekend but I would suggest replacing the "or" in the title with a colon (:) to make the end of chaos a subtitle
The Sentinels: The End of Chaos
or
Sentinels: The End of Chaos
I would suggest either because the "or" does not sound quite right

[DeitrichEP1]

3621091 It's intended to be an alternate title. Many bona-fide works have used one.

Like Mary Shelley's Frankenstein; or, The Modern Prometheus

[Kaf_Kraked_Poni]

Hey, this is Shunketsu! I'm writing to you because you submitted your fic to the Writers of Equestrian Lore for review. Keep in mind, this is not a grammatical review or a shrewd analysis of your skills, this is more of a general overview and a comment on your story.

So, to begin, I have to say that I am enjoying it so far, but the intro did not immediately hook me into it. I understood that you're going for a more historical perspective and thus dialogue is sparse at the moment, but there were a few times where even speech aloud to oneself can alleviate that feeling. As far as grammar and spelling are concerned, there are no major errors, and none I personally could point out. An editorial group would be best for that.

The premise seems interesting, as the idea for an absent Celestia and a newly crowned Twilight can be taken a number of ways. It's too early to make a comment on execution, so I won't try to sound like I know what I'm talking about when I don't. I can only wait and see what you have in store for our new princess. Also, if you want my advice, I would combine these two chapters, as they are not too long and still hold the central idea: A new problem has been introduced. (Think of a NEW chapter like a change of main idea working towards the same plot)

No score, not because it's bad, but because why score? I think that demoralizes a fic IMO. So, I'll just say that this was good enough to warrant a read, but if you want to attract more readers, I would recommend getting an editor, finding someone you can relate ideas to for writing, and keep it updated. Well, thanks for taking the time to read this!

~Shunketsu

[LeilaSkies017]

are you ever going to finish it ?
:(