After the massive Equestrian disaster. What was left of pony kind had to disperse from what they once called home, and thousands of pony refugees fight for food and resources. Simply because they are to afraid to venture out into the uncharted lands that they had considered to be violent and inhospitable.
Yet there are those who realize that there salvation might just come from what they had formerly had mistrusted. So lets follow briefly the story of two ponies who have endured trials and tribulations traveling far across the uncharted deserts south of Equestria.
Chapters (1)
Grammar fix.
3658904 Ok, I appreciate the comment. I hadn't had this story completely edited, I kinda rushed through it. But I'll pay more attention next time to that.
But if I may ask, was it punctuation, comma placement, or overall bad spelling.
3660155 Grammar as in spelling and word placement, overall spelling is the worst problems but do check everything else.
3661099 Alrighty then, I'll remember that. I promise, the next thing I write will be far better and thanks for the constructive criticism.
Awesome story! You are a great writer!
3684349 Thanks, glad to know somebody thinks so.
Your review has been completed sir, and I'm sad at the thought of any of the other characters being dead
Here is the link to check out my review! I hope you write that prequel or sequel
Unfortunately, this story has been graded a Flawed Quartz by The Gem Hunters.
Interesting concept. Your grammar is probably the biggest negative point. It's all over the place, and needs to be fixed. I would recommend getting an editor or a prereader.
The story is good, but your exposition is a bit heavy handed. You spend like three or four large paragraphs at the very beginning telling us what happened. That isn't interesting. It won't hold a reader's attention. A reader will look at that, say "Oh, I know the story now," and then leave. Exposition is like salt; let your hand slip and you've ruined the fic. Instead, a light sprinkling throughout the story is better.
I like this, and I am curious what happened to the others. Me, I like background. The more the better. It's a sign of world building.
5775830 Me I am totally a world builder and actually I'm already four chapters into the newest story for this thing here. I've just haven't been able to find any editors or proof readers, so I have it on hold atm.
5776896 Screw Proof Readers, put it up! This is a good story and I for one am interested to what happens to everyone else! You can always make fixes down the road or review each chapter a few times looking for problems.
5777075 I second that, I had this stored away for a while. Now I just want more, HOW DARE YOU HOLD OUT ON ME!!!
5777298 Yo... I'm working on it, lol!
Took me a while to find some time to start reading your stories, but today is the day, prepare your...self. (Got ya, you definitely thought I would say something filthy.
)
Anyway, I want to share a few thoughts on your story.
First and foremost, the setting is great. I see so much potential for great emotional moments in just this story, I love it.
Also, the character feel really good. Scoots is torn apart by her guilt towards Dash. She feels like she took away the most precious thing her idol got and this is a weight that might crush her without.
Rainbow Dash would surely be devastated to never be able to fly again, but you showed nicely that flying is not all she is about. In the end, she sacrifice her wing for her friend and that's loyalty on scale truly worth Rainbow Dash's awesomeness.
The only thing really to criticize is what most people already did point out. Your grammar needs some fixing.
Here comes the huge BUT (wow, that really a huge one
)
If you need an editor or proofreader, I volunteer. Granted, I don’t think I will find every mistake made, but the recent weeks bestowed me with some confidence into my English grammar. Besides, you gave my first story a read, so it's only fair to return the favor.
If you ever need me, you know where to find me.
5780393 Hey, thanks a bunch for lookin at this old thing! Oh, and I know.... My grammar on this one was absolutely horrible, however it still managed to attract a few look sees. I mean I put pride in character and world building, still it isn't always enough to mask the fact that I slept my way through all my English classes in the past... Kinda pathetic really, lol.
Also I might just take ya up on that offer, I've already written out the first few chapts of the sequel. But I learned my lesson here and I want it to have a good look over before I go posting it like crazy.
5777299
The idea and story is interesting. The concept can be expanded on, it definitely has potential. But you need to work on some of the story, it has errors.
For example:
you*
So, I suggest looking over it or getting an proofreader/editor.
But I do like the story, you get a like and a fav
5947311 Thanks, and this story here is so old there is no real reason for me to revamp it. But the sequel I'm writing actually has a decent proofreader and editor, not to mention four completed chapters... I hope not to make the same mistake twice.
5948165
You know what? I like this, I like this very much. The premise was great and I loved your portrayal of Rainbow Dash and Scootaloo just fighting for their own lives in general! However, there are many grammar mistakes that can be found. But overall, cool story, bro.
6293151 Yo yo, thanks bubbles. Yea this story is riddled with grammatical errors, lookin' back at it I'd swear I was typing upside down. However, I've recently started to pick up steam on the sequel and it will be out sometime this month. Hopefully with actual rewriting and support it will build upon this vague little world I've conceived and make for a interesting story.
6294337 Sure, that'll be nice.
You can has review!