'Love is what breeds hatred. When you take away that love, hate comes to existence and nothing else but pain will remain.'
Diamond Tiara becomes an avenger; seeking the blood of her enemies that taken away all she had cared for. Becoming the vessel for the eight-headed snake demon, Orochi, she makes it her mission to hunt down the killers and make sure they deteriorate painfully and slowly in the depths of Yomi. Assisted by the demon and her surviving servant, nothing in the world will stand in her way.
(My Little Pony is copyrighted to Hasbro Inc. I take no ownership in its value production or existence. This is a work of fiction and gains no money out of its value. Enjoy. PS: I do not own that image.)
Chapters (2)
If you were to tell me that Diamond made some kind of deal with a demonic figure, I wouldn't have much difficulty believing you. If you were to tell me she'd dedicate her life to revenge after her dad gets murdered by a gang, I'd still probably buy it. But I have to be honest. It seems weird that the only one that's helping her out is a faceless background character only known as "the servant".
This story has a surprisingly little amount of dialogue. The only conversation is between Diamond and the demon. She doesn't say a word to her servant or anyone else, which seems weird considering how grave the situation is. Stylistically, it's an interesting choice, as it emphasizes the importance of the conversation and sets the focus right where it needs to be.
Diamond herself doesn't seem to be characterized too thoroughly. Everything about her character revolves around her anger and revenge. I could replace her with Silver Spoon or even Sweetie Belle without much hassle. You captured a little of her personality in her speech, but it was a bit too extreme for it to come across as a portrayal of her character. It's not necessarily damaging to the story, but it's worth keeping in mind if you're looking to deepen it.
The best advice I could give would be to look into your phrasing. There are several sentences that don't quite make sense. Here are some examples:
There are a bit too many for me to list them all here. You might want to look through yourself and see what you can find.
I'd call this story a piece of dark turkey meat. It's a light read, a bit tough, and heavier than your typical story just by the implications alone. It's not bad; it's just sort of dry.
Make the most!
3735577 Why thank you for your lovely comment.
I will surely go over it when the time comes and also work on another chapter that will...(spoiler) go through the Servant's point of view. His...purpose is important.
Thank you again.
She knows he's a monster yet she doesn't know he's a monster. Wouldn't you say that's a little contradictory? Also, how does the butler know what Silver Spoon thinks of him? Did he see it in her eyes like he did with Diamond? Because the way you phrased it, it sounds like he read her mind.
You can throw out the parentheses if you end the sentence with the word 'respectively'. It'll make it sound less stilted.
Why exactly was Diamond upset with her butler? He backed away from her? Was she just looking for an excuse to torture him?
3771462 I think I found my personal proofreading reader.
That's if you want to be one for me on this story. I will surely fix the chapter when I am finish with some stuff (reading mostly).
3771501
I'm always looking to improve my ability to critically analyze the works of others, and everyone else that contracted me is currently on hiatus. Sure, I can help you out with some proofreading.
3771731 Beautiful!
Thank you very much. When...I get another chapter done, I shall send you it through PM and get your critique input. 
Thank you very much.