Wretch

by GallantNavy

Chapter 1

Another day, another job well done. With my hammer on my back and pride in my soul, I was sure my boss would have no problems this time around.

"Theo Stormhammer reporting in."
"Celestia damn it Theo! What did we tell you about being careful?!"

Or not. Great, I get to be chewed out again.

"What did I do this time?"
"Well let's go through the list shall we! First, you destroyed a building.”
“Hey, that building was on it’s last leg. It was coming down whether I helped it or not.”
“Second, you caused massive amounts of panic.”
“And the target wasn’t already doing that?”
“And finally, you revealed your power to the public.”
“Come on. Can’t we just claim that it’s a freak electrical storm like we usually do?”
“Theo, ponies are not going to keep falling for that! You need to be more careful when doing your job!”
“How come Garden Hopper isn’t receiving this abuse too? She also used her powers in public.”
“Yes, but her powers didn’t cause a building to collapse!”

The boss and I go through this song and dance from time to time. I screw up, she chews me out, I act like I’m sorry, then ultimately ignore everything she says. I am fully aware that they can’t replace me. No pony can get the job done like me… Minus the collateral of course.

“Theo. Why are you dragging me into this?”
“Cause it’s easier on me if the blame gets spread out a bit.”
“You try that with everypony that you go on a mission with, and it fails everytime.”

Oh Garden Hopper. What a cold cold mare you are. Can’t even help me out a little.

“(Sigh) Just dispose of the target and get back here you two. We have more missions lined up that need to be taken care of.” Click

And with that, we reach the point of the dance where I ignore what she told me.

“Alright Garden, you dispose of the body, and I’ll go do… some reconnaissance.”
“Reconnaissance of what?” She asked with an eyebrow raised.
“Of that suspicious looking bar on the other side of the city. It seemed really sketchy. Probably swarming with beings of chaos.”
She responded with a facehoof. “Just go. You’re gonna just do it anyways regardless if I protest or not.”

I didn’t need to be told twice. But I gave our target one last look before I headed out. “Hehe, take that you vile wretch. Nothing but death is meant for your kind.” And with that, I was off.
I ran out of the alleyway and into the main streets. It was pretty vacant. Probably due to my show from a little earlier. Oh well, not my problem. My boss is pretty good at the coverup work. My only concern was trying to remember what part of Chicagoat I saw that bar at.

Well after walking around for about an hour, I finally manage to find it. The Rusty Horseshoe. A place where only the toughest could survive. A place where you could drink until you passed out, and then drink some more. A place where all the foxy mares stop by.

Oh colt, were there some foxy mares there. I tried to follow a couple inside before being stopped by the overly muscled bouncer. Seriously, this guy looked like he did steroid every chance he got.

“Sorry pal. You ain’t gettin in.”
“That so? And exactly who would be the one to stop me?”
“Hehe. You got guts shrimp. But that ain’t enough to get in. Boss doesn’t care too much for cosplayers.” He said, pointing a hoof at my hammer.
“Well shucks mister. Looks like I’ll just- Hey what’s that over there?!”

This idiot actually fell for it! He turned his head to the left to see what exactly I was pointing at. At which point I decided to introduce him to my trusty maul. One smack to the cheek later and suddenly everypony was allowed in the place. Who says violence never solved anything?

So a list of things I wanted to get done before Garden would drag my flank out of there. Get drunk beyond the ability to see, get a few number at least, and finally see if I could hustle some money from a couple of suckers. Well considering I had no cash at the time to get drunk and the ladies were all busy dancing, I suppose I’d start with winning myself some bits. And joy oh joy, they had a pool table with some red-headed sucker just waiting for me.

“Hello sir. My name is Theo. Care to play a game or two?”

He gave me a once over before responding. Probably assessing on whether or not he could win.

“Name’s Gingersnap... And sure, I’ll play you.”

The game took a while. Both because I was trying make a convincing loss, and also because this Ginger fellow was absolutely terrible at this game. After finally getting tired, I purposely sunk the eight ball to give him the victory.

“Damn! I thought I had you!”
“Well, I guess that’s the way the cookie crumbles.”

“Mind if we play?”

Two stallions came up to the table. One was a pegasus who I will name slim, the other was an earth pony who I will refer to as fatty. Both seemed to be in the mood to kick our flanks at pool.

“I don’t see why not. Shall we do one on one and take turns?”
“No, we want to do teams. You two versus us. I also propose we make the game interesting. Winners get all their drinks covered tonight.”

I gave Ginger a nervous look. The offer sounded great, but could I win with him on my team? I sighed and accepted his offer. Even with Ginger’s lackluster performance earlier, I was sure I had the skills to cover for both of us.

Fatty was first. After failing to sink anything, Ginger took his turn. I was praying that he wouldn’t hit the eight ball. I couldn’t afford their drinks.

With what seemed like laser guided precision, Ginger sunk two striped balls with one hit. With a smile on his face, he took another shot and sunk another one. Seeing as he had no more good moves left, he struck the cue ball into an awkward spot for our challengers. This mother bucker! He was hustling me back! I wasn’t sure if should smack him or shake his hoof.

Slim took his shot and accidentally knocked one of our balls in. Which meant it was my turn. As I lined up my shot, I noticed Ginger giving me the same look I gave him not a moment before. With a wide grin I knocked a ball in and took another turn.

It wasn’t long before Slim and Fatty had to pay up for losing. I sat down with Ginger at the bar and ordered something nice and strong. Oh I couldn’t be happier. The words ‘unlimited’ and ‘drinks’ used in the same sentence was like music to my ears. I gulped it down and turned to my new chum.

“So Gingersnap. Besides trying to hustle me at billiards, what else do you do?”
“You can just call me Ginger. And if I recall correctly, you were trying to hustle me too.”
“Hey, I needed cash for drinks.”
“Same here. Good thing we didn’t bet each other. Where would we be then?”

Well it would end with me either running out of there as fast as I could or threatening him to pay up.

“Eh, who knows?”
“Yeah. Anyways, to answer your question, I’m a pretty standard Cloudsdale Rainbow Technician. You know, making and handling rainbows and what not.”
“Interesting. I thought about doing that, but decided against it.”
“Is it because your talent is related to carpentry?”

He pointed a hoof at the crossed hoofsaw and hammer on my flank.

“While that is my talent, I’m actually an entertainer of sorts.”
“The hammer part of the act?”
“Yeah, but not the main event.”
“Care to give a demonstration then?”

While I wasn’t quite in the mood to put on a show, I noticed a couple of mares eyeing me after I claimed to be an entertainer. Who was I to let the ladies down?

“Alright, no problem. Hey barkeep! Can you get me a lightbulb, a hanger, a glass of water, and a plate of frozen hay fries?!”

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Panic.

It’s a small word, but it conveys a whole slew of emotions all at once. Fear, however, is probably the strongest of these emotions. Actually, scratch that. Panic is one of the highest forms of fear, not a collection of other, less primal emotions headed by it.

I know this because I’m the type of guy that finds himself panicking more than I’d like. Sometimes its about relatively small things, like spilling a bit of high quality Spectra at the factory. Not the end of the world, but I remember a time where I would treat it like that. Glad I mellowed out as I gained experience in dealing with things like that.

This, however, I didn’t really have much experience in.

Then again, I’m not sure I ever want to get used to having some drunken lunatic swinging a freaking warhammer around as he chases me through the backroads and alleys of Chicagoat.
Just say’n.

Luckily, the guy was, really, really drunk right now, so he was having some serious trouble keeping up with me, but that didn’t mean too much when I had hurt my wing in the brawl that I had just escaped from. Really shoulda seen that bar-stool coming. Also didn’t help that I already had a few before the fight broke out, so I was having trouble dodging trash cans and dumpsters and hobo-ponies myself.

Despite this, I’m gradually earning a lead. My last glance over my shoulder had proved that. Now all I have to do is get out of sight so I can hide.

“Get back here y’*hic* filthy wretch!”

I honestly don’t know what this guy’s got it out for me. I mean, we were being buddy-buddy before the brawl. Heck, we were even on the same side until… Buck me running. He saw it, didn’t he? Just great, just bucking great. This is the last time I go drinking anyplace that isn’t Cloudsd- No, screw that! Can’t risk anything like that anymore. From now on I’m going to have to drink alone, in my house, with the doors and windows locked! Then again, cloud-houses don’t have windows or doors to lock, but I’ll find a way, Celestia da-

Wh-clang!

Groaning in pain, I pick myself back up after running headlong into a dumpster. So much for having a lead… As I jump atop the bucking iron container, I chance a glance back at my pursuer, who’s disentangling himself from a pile of trash cans he also seemed to have run headlong into.

“Or not,” I comment with a grin, quickly jumping off the other end and dashing around a corner, then into a conveniently abandoned building with an open doorway to hide. Looks like I’ve gotten lucky again. After finding a pile of crates that were probably filled with rotten junk to hide behind, I try and focus on lowering my heart rate, which was understandably much higher than I’d like. Seriously, if I had gotten cornered by that pegasus it probably would’ve been curtains, and my body probably wasn’t ready to let that fact go anytime soon.

Still, as the minutes begin to tick by, my panic finally starts to fade. Maybe he ran down the wrong path. That would be nice, then I’d be able to get back to my hotel and just rest. Maybe tinker with my experiments a bit before I hit the sack… Yeah, that’s what I’ll do once this is all ov-

BANG.

“I know you’re in here, you bucking coward!”

Well buck.

I move back from the source of the voice, catching a flicker of movement out of the corner of my eye. Fearing the worst, I spin around to face it, rising to my full height as I do, preparing to fight for my life… With myself, it seems. The movement I saw was my own being reflected in a mirror, and for the first time since this morning, I get to see a glimpse of myself again. Red mane, yellow coat, brown vest, wings build for relatively short distance flying, yeah… That’s me alright.

I don’t remember the glowing, though. That’s ne- Buck. I forgot that vial of rainbow I wore around my neck gave off light, and now it’s gonna get me killed! Buck, buck, buck, buck, buck aaaand BUCK! Gottamoveno-

“There y’ are!”

Too late, there’s nowhere to run. The crazy blue pegasus is reared up on his hind legs gearing up bring his hammer down on my face. His shades must’ve gotten lost in the chase, as they’re absent from his face, letting me get my first look at his teal eyes. Glowing teal eyes which bore into mine, causing that itch at the back of my mind to flare up again. There was so much hatred in his eyes, so much pain, even a fair bit of sorrow. But mostly hatred. And intent to kill.

Which is why I’m not particularly surprised when he sets his warhammer swinging in a wide arc towards the side of my head, the act of which I’m able to see in slow motion. Probably because my brain’s attempting one last giant chemical burst to keep me alive, honestly, but there’s a major problem with this: It gives me more time to think, and the more I think the more that spot in the back of my mind itches. And its that one place I really don’t like to think about either, that part of me that shouldn’t be there.

That part of me that makes me hate myself.

Over the years I’ve gotten pretty good at ignoring it, leaving it to rot in its own little corner of my brain all alone… But it won’t die. It refuses to die. And it won’t let me die either.

Not that I want to die… Most days… But it doesn’t even give me the option. It gets angry every time I get close, and when it gets angry my mind starts to itch again, getting worse the closer and closer death comes.

Kinda like that blade that was going to bury itself in my barrel just a few minutes ago, back at the bar. Or that electrified mallet halfway on its trip to crush my face right now. Closer it is, slower things get, harder it is to resist the urge to just give in and scratch the damn thing.

Wait, electrified mallet?

That’s new.

And just like that the itch doubles in un-ignorable-ness. Huh, seems it has an aversion to uncontrolled electricity, just like me. Seriously, if I had the time I’d probably shit myself right now. But I don’t, not when certain death a split-second away from becoming well acquainted with my skull.

...

Alright, three-quarters of the way there now, and my perception of time seems to have slowed even further, and that bucking itch is even worse now than it was with the knife! Seriously! I don’t want to scratch you! You know what that does to me! How much it hurts! Shut the buck up and let me die! I’m tired of you! What’s that?! You’re going to get even louder?!! Well guess what, bucker: TWO CAN PLAY AT THAT GAME! LA-LA-LA-LA-LA! I CAAAAAAAAAANT HEEAAAAAAAR YOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOU!~ I’M JUST GOING TO STAND HERE AND LET US DIE SO I DON’T HAVE TO HEAR YOU ANYMORE!

...

CELESTIA DAMN IT, MOVE FASTER MR. DEATH-MAUL! HE’S GETTING EVEN MORE ANNOYING!

Finally, after what feels like a good hour of waiting, the hammer gets close enough that I can feel the heat of the lightning surging off of it and I can’t take it any longer. It hurts too much, and knowing my luck if I deny it any longer It’ll take another five hours before thing will finally break my skull and deliver me from my suffering. Despite the consequences that I know I’ll soon be facing, I give in.

I scratch that mother-bucking itch for the second time today.

And suddenly my world is filled with agony.