Pinkie finds a wishing ring

Alligator #1 · Jan 10th, 2014 · · ·

This...this grammar...
THE HORROR! THE HORROR!
Seriously though, this needs A LOT of work. I seriously emohasize that statement.

Don't feel bad though, Im only stating one opinion. Dont take this too seriously, I don't wanna be mean.

Comment posted by Rubyfire377 deleted Jan 10th, 2014

Rubyfire377

Rubyfire377 #4 · Jan 10th, 2014 · · ·

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Thank for telling me this I will try hard next time

Starlight Shadow

Starlight Shadow #5 · Jan 10th, 2014 · · ·

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The horror....the horror.....

AwkwardTaco

AwkwardTaco #6 · Jan 10th, 2014 · · ·

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omai

The grammar. The story itself is also shit, but the grammar...

Rubyfire377

Rubyfire377 #7 · Jan 10th, 2014 · · ·

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Well my story failed bad so I guess that I am going to wright a different story but now I Ruby Fire of Dragonvile deme this story cancelled!!!!

Isseus

Isseus #8 · Jan 11th, 2014 · 1 · ·

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How can you cram so many errors in such a short story? Takes talent to suck this bad.

Rubyfire377

Rubyfire377 #9 · Jan 11th, 2014 · · ·

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Well I was in a rush but I learned never to rush my work again

Lunette Nebula

Lunette Nebula #10 · Jan 11th, 2014 · 2 · ·

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Okay, maybe I can fill in the place of being an editor.

Loganberry

Loganberry #11 · Jan 11th, 2014 · 6 · ·

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Writing is an unforgiving business, isn't it? Especially when you post your very first fanfic on one of the biggest and most popular fanfic sites in the world!

I don't think it would help you if I sugar-coated my comment, so I'll be honest: this is not a good story. You mentioned that you rushed it, and that's rather obvious. Others have mentioned the grammar and spelling problems, but I think the real problem is that the story doesn't flow well. It jumps around all over the place, without ever settling down into a nice rhythm. The rather weird Rarity/Spike shipping bits don't help. There's a fun story to be written about Pinkie having adventures with a magic ring -- after all, the show itself showed what happened when Pinkie found a magic pool! -- but unfortunately this isn't that story.

I know it's a cliché to say "Keep writing!" but... well, keep writing. There's nothing wrong with making mistakes, as long as you learn from them and don't keep making the same mistakes. (So don't misspell Sweetie Belle's name again!) If you want to become a good writer, one of the things you'll need is a thick skin, since all writers get bad reviews sometimes. Writing is a craft, and apart from a very few geniuses nobody learns a craft instantly. Maybe one day you'll look back at this story and smile at how far you've come.

Rakaziel

Rakaziel #12 · Feb 14th, 2014 · · ·

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The premise is good and your ideas are good. As for the writing, as it is it would work for a sceenplay.
Ultimately it boils down to two things you need to keep an eye on:

The first is ensuring a non-repetitve sentence structure, or the entire pacing comes to a stutter. The easiest way is to start no two sentences on the same page with the same word, except maybe for spoken dialogue. 'Then' is also pretty much the duct tape of sentence construction - it works well when you intentionally want a piece of dialogue to look improvised, for example to add a bit more realism to spoken dialogue, but aside from that you should only use it if you have no other way to describe in which order specific events happen. Given the unspoken assumption of the reader that the events pretty much happen in the order they read of them, 'then' is for the most part unnecessary in prose.

The second is to "Show, don't Tell." Describe what the characters see and feel instead of just describing what they are doing - of course you need to include the action, but need to give it an emotional tinge. Was it said? Or muttered? Has someone stomped, or have they sneaked, or maybe even backed away? And don't be afraid to use metaphors instead of comparisons or build them in when they simply fit better into the sentence.

Your ideas are good, and that is half of a good story. Now you just need a bit of practice at the other half.

Rubyfire377

Rubyfire377 #13 · Feb 14th, 2014 · · ·

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3944678 Thank you I will use this knowledge and you are a also a really good friend to have and I did learn from my mistakes kind of but I am writing a new story its called Lightning Bolt the Musician maybe you can help me with it?