- Member Since 15th Dec, 2011
- offline last seen Dec 17th, 2022
Neon Czolgosz
"Violence for violence is the rule of beasts" - Barack Obama
Neon Czolgosz
Joined 15th Dec, 2011 ·
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so much love!
Chuck's back!
So sexeh...
JUST FUCK ALR-
*they do*
Oh... Uh, yeah. G-Good job...
3792270
Heh. I got the feeling I'd find you here...
Those two are so loving and sexy together.
3792270 Shh, watching the movie. ;) There's... stuff happening.
Great work, par usual from you.
It's great to have you back with us, Chuck. I was kinda worried for a moment. Now that the pleasantries are out of the way, it's time for me to dive nose-first into your clop.
I'm not very sure what you were going for with its theme. Any angst there might have been with awakening sexual interests is gone by this point, as if this should really be more of an ending or middle to some other story. In fact, that's what it feels like: it could be happening right at the end of Sweetie Belle and Diamond Tiara discovering and getting over the fact that they're into each other, or right at the beginning of their relationship.
Maybe I'm looking too deeply into this, since it's apparent you just wanted to write a short, cute foalcon clop. But then again, a lot of other people write short one-or-two scene clops -- your best clops are the ones that really take the time to explore the characters, why they like each other, and heck, even why we like them. Remember Morning Glow? Or even that racy, raunchy orgy fic you wrote? (Sorry that I forgot its name!) Those took a little time to explore the characters as they fucked, which flavored your clop and your writing, putting it head and shoulders over your competition.
Now, I'm not saying that the quality to your writing has diminished, I'm just saying that you're settling for less when you're capable of much better than this.
As far as individual mistakes in your writing go, there's some instances where the paragraphs suddenly sprout a second head. Essentially, your paragraph gets crowded with more than one idea or action, becoming this big jumble of actions and ideas that totally screw with your flow. Example below:
This goes from Sweetie's disappointment to the movie to Sweetie Belle getting nuzzled. That's three different ideas/actions in the same paragraph -- which makes the paragraph seem bloated and unfocused. If you could chop these up into their own paragraphs, that'd actually help the flow immensely:
That last paragraph feels somewhat too separated from the previous two. See how the first paragraph segues into the next? "... as they watched the opening scenes... Con Mane was chasing an assassin..." That's good flow.
But then I break my own rule when I suddenly jerk the reader out of the movie's action, with Sweetie Belle Getting Nuzzled. That works too, since that's what it feels like from Sweetie's POV: she gets jerked out of the movie and back to reality.
There's all kinds of ways to play with flow, but you gotta know the rules before you break em.
Anyway, I guess that's enough of my rambling. This isn't your best work, but it's hardly bad. I give it ooger moustaches out of a possible frumplebump.
First off, I'd like to say that this came along at the perfect time. How so, you ask? Well, as it happens, I just read Cola's DiamondBelle fic for the first time this morning. I fell in love with the idea almost immediately, and after having finished reading, I left a comment begging her to tell me that the story wasn't over. All I wanted was continuation; even a sequel-ish story written by someone else would do just fine! Throughout the day I thought about it quite a bit, and when I got home this afternoon I started browsing the recent Romance fics, hoping to find something else to read so I could get my mind off it. Lo and behold, the third or fourth item down the list had a cover with exactly the two little fillies invading my mind, and as I read the description I whooped out with joy! So yeah, thanks for writing this. XD
Now that I've sufficiently cluttered this comment with a little story that most people probably don't care about, let's get to the writing!
This is one of the funniest things I think I've ever read, hooves down. The sheer unexpectedness (is that a word?) and blatant sarcastic forwardness (again debating whether that's a word) are just perfect for both Diamond's character and the situation at hoof.
The overall writing is quite good. As far as technical errors, there are only a few spelling and grammar things here and there; for the most part, nothing drastic enough for me to even still remember. The plot (not that plot) is simple and enjoyable in its own right. As a continuation of Cola's story, it's still great, but doesn't seem quite as fitting. Perhaps it's the way the two interact, perhaps it's the lack of other characters, or perhaps it's just me. Any way, one story's relation to another cannot inherently degrade either story, so good job.
I don't know that there's much else for me to contribute here. If you plan to continue this, I'd love to see it. If not, that's fine too. This is very cute, quite funny and a great read for anyone who's into the genre. Thanks for writing it!
I think I may take a look at your other work.
First foalcon that I've read. For a (possible) one-shot, you have set the bar high. I must now read your other works for I hunger for more
Nice to have you back, dude. Your clop has a unique sort of awesome that I missed dearly.
Very sweet, and very juicy
>inb4 Your Antagonist
It is truly a good day.
though i guess its kind of her characteristic, i couldnt help but feel as though diamond was being.... well her usual bitchy self! im sorry for the language, but in my opinion, i feel there should have been a bit more love for the two earlier in the stage of this story, but thats just me! this is a great fanfic, loved it! it was interesting, i even found myself enjoying the "movie" as they called it! good work, and thank you for showing it to us!
That was actually really adorable. Thumbs way up.
Opinion of story
Diamond is best tease, Sweetie Belle's whines were adorable. But even she has her damn limits it seems when paired up with Sweetie! xD
The description of Sweetie analyzing DT's scent was probably my favorite. Though that other scene where Sweetie gets back at her teasing with a bit of her own after that sample she gave was glorious.
Certainly a hell of a way to make a return. The whole "Where did they end up?" bonus chapter to Rum Punch, and I couldn't be happier for the two.
You do us proud chuck.
Hot! I'm glad I trained my self to orgasm without cumming, otherwise I would've made a huge mess. Thumbs up!
One thing; now diamond needs to return the...favor lol. Very hot, and steamy; liked, and faved.
, 
I like this pairing.
Really cute! I especially like to see Diamond's slobbishness and how Sweetie basically relishes it. It has a sort of beauty and the beast, desperate sex slave, battered spouse syndrome-y feel and I love it.
i.imgur.com/25sPsIZ.png?2
Love the characterization of Diamond Tiara, being all tsundere
.
This story is 100% Diamond Cutters Approved!
oi58.tinypic.com/bgvbkg.jpg
4255429 very tsundere.
We need more DiamondBelle in this cruel, nearly DiamondBelle-less world.
Reviewed by the Pleasant Commentator and Review Group!
3863737
img poeple so jelly roflff XDDD
Why do I have to fall in love with pairings that hardly exist?
I demand more!
having just watched Casino Royale before reading this i think i know what your plan was on the crane scene. well done
I laughed for like 3 solid minutes