Rainbow suffers a heart attack and it's up to twilight to cheer her up.
Chapters (4)
Mat the Brawler
Joined 19th Mar, 2012 ·
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This is amazing
'Nough said
Pacing needs slowing (not as much as some stories, but it still needs to slow down a bit-this chapter could have been expanded to two decent-length chapters.). idea, though a little overused, could be good if you add your own twist and keep it interesting. More descriptions, the thought processes of both of them are, while still in-character, a little too fast.
All in all, I'll keep track of this.
What Kodeake said about pacing (Lol, pacing issues in a pace maker story). I think there is a considerable amount of potential in this story to be great with fun twists and some gripping emotional drama as RD struggles with her injury. A used subject to be sure, but its still a classic that can be customized into a thing of beauty.
Some difficulty I had was the formatting, but that's because I'm use to separations between paragraphs instead of indentations.
I also noticed some issues with grammar and spelling, but that can be fixed if you get yourself a good editor/pre-reader/proofreader. (I swear they are all the same but people think differently than me).
So, keep it up mate, cheers!
The pace makers are for those whose hearts beat irregularly or skip a beat.
3811098 Woops.
Um I'gonna use the excuse that the layman wouldn't know that so dash just calls it that.
3811771 so what the heck is it then?
3812279 Artificial heart.
3812464
wouldn't they give her a heart transplant of a REAL heart, not a mechanical one?
3812503 IDK okay its a plot hole, give me some time to decide how to fix it.
3812534 ok, i say you just give her the stents, it'll give her some hope and make it so the story isn't completely depressing. She still wont be able to join the Wonder-bolts and a sonic rainboom will probably kill her, but she'll still be able to fly fast, just under the speed of sound.
too rushed but still good, you could have had a small start explaining how she had the collapsed artery in a chapter then do the hospital stuff in a second chapter and then a third of how she wants to off herself, lastly have her reaction and decision from twilights confession in a fourth chapter. this chapter just seemed too rushed to me but has a good promise, keep up the good work,
3821272 It wasn't a collapse just a spasm. The artery is fine but she lost most of her heart died.
When you have 461 views and not a single comment XD
fc07.deviantart.net/fs71/f/2012/300/a/4/twilight_sparkle__s_headbang__by_pozdn9k-d5j35rg.gif
Well! That was entertaining!
Well, slightly rushed but still very well written! #TwiDashFTW
She's the Princess of Friendship, not magic. Also there were a few grammatical errors in this chapter, but nothing too distracting. Overall, amazing chapter!