Ryuler
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Given how it's written, this would be an excellent introductory fic for someone unfamiliar with the show. Has potential.
15242 agree with this. Could use a prereader next time. Also, i read this in an Austrian accent. I dunno, just seemed right. One thing to work on is your tense, otherwise fine
Very detailed descriptions for cast members most/all of us already know.
15308 I do realize the elaborate descriptions of each character were rather superfluous. Being my first Fanfic of anything, this is more of a project to challenge myself. Constructive Criticism is welcomed, as I hope to better my writing capabilities.
As has been mentioned before, the descriptions are needlessly elaborate and some of them, like the description of bits, aren't really nessecary at all and only distracts from the actual story.
You also suddenly switch from past to present tense when describing Fluttershy, which is somewhat jarring.
Other than that it's shaping up to be a nice story and I'm looking foreward to reading more
Hummm, you spent most if the chapter explaining who the ponies are, not to sound rude or anything but if the people on this site don't know who Flutter shy pinkie, and twilight are, then they are on the wrong site lol
But you have the build for a really good story, I hope to read chapter 2 soon.
This was a very good first chapter. A few misspellings and a bit of a formatting issue, though that could be on my end, but not enough to ruin the story. Consider yourself watched, and I look forward to chapter 2
Very cute. I really liked the impersonations.
And then nothing sexual happened.
The end.
Anyway nice story, if only it updated more frequently.
Twilight to sly sly Pony, a I think she made the mess on on her own free will.
Oh my GOD. Show, don't tell. You don't make a story good by describing everything in super-high detail and lengthening everything out.
28300
"After the fall,
We'll shake it off,
Show me the way"
Reminded me of that song, Love that band.
Very nice story. I look forward to reading more.
I really like this story! But, to be honest, I think you're describing everything TOO much. I like that you're describing it and all, but seriously, too much, bro, too much.
I like this one, at least so far. A typo or two, but I didn't see any major problems.
I have to say, I don't see what part of this chapter is too detailed or described. The baking scene? I don't think so. Even though it could be shortened to a few short lines doesn't mean it should be. Plus at least I like detail in stories, as long as it doesn't distract the reader from the story itself. If the story is very short detailed descriptions might not be the best idea but at least it seems to me this story won't end that fast.
I like how this is just an innocent sleepover so far with no other motives. 'Shy seems to have something on her heart as seen in Ch1 and here she reacted to the bath the way she did. Sounds like somepony has a secret crush, especially with that romance tag there.
Keep up the great work, I look forward to reading more!
~JiiKoo
u spent alot of time dscribing everything, when it/they're first introduced, yet u dont realy put much deatial into there actions....
and just wondering, is there a reason u have every food eaten's tast discribed in great deatail to be like the best thing they ever tasted?
huh, even on super-computer mode she wasn't able to connect the dots... hmmmm oh well, really sweet story you have coming along! keep it up!
"and the fire mysteriously went out." Twilight you dog you! LOL
Keep IT up!
I don't know why but I keep thinking Dash is right outside the window watching them. >.>
32971
Along with Rarity with her opera glasses and AJ with Pinkie sharing a popcorn bucket
the end sounded like: ''SEXY BATH TIME!!!''
"Super computer mode".....yay
Just a quick note, I think you meant that she telekinetically lifted the elevated the bag. Telepathy is a realm of power that deals with thought and emotion, not physically altering an object or moving it through space. x3
Lol great story... But like many Others, needs a sequel
I haven't finished reading yet, but I wanted to point something out now before I forget. Near the top, you say "She used her magic to telepathically elevate the bag off the counter and to her side." I have a major problem with that. You can remove my comment, I don't care, but Telepathy, is speaking into someones mind. What you might want to do, is switch it from Telepathically, to "She used her magic to elevate the bag off the counter with telekinesis, and then to her side" or simply pull that word out all together. Unless telepathically means something else when used in that format, it's a form of speaking via through one's mind. Kinda like what King Kai does with Goku on Dragonball Z. If it does mean something else, let me know so I can apologize. So far great story, you are describing this as if you were reading it off to someone who's never seen the show, which I think is nice, because I for one read a Fan-Fic before I stared watching the show.
This is a well written sweet little story, nice!
Really nice story you have here! Written in the excact style I like it where nothing is rushed. I also like the way you described Fluttershy's fear of admitting something like that to Twilight, but there could've been some more emotion laid into that part. Like we could've atleast gotten a look into what kind of emotions Twi has instead for going COMPLETELY "super computer"-mode. Yous hould continue this one In my opinion! =)
That was really nice.
The fic could use some editing, as there are some mistakes (a lot of comas are missing, for example), but the story itself is great.
Beautiful and touching, those would be the best words to describe it. Also doesn't feel rushed, which is a huge problem with many short fics. I approve.
Love it
As much as I'm fascinated by this whole concept of 'tea' (dried leaves brewed into hot water that tastes good? WOW!) I'd really really like it if you maybe told me what was going on past the bare minimum. Your audience more than likely knows what tea is like, as with a lot of other foods and drinks. Also your dialogue is awkward as all hell to read.
Way too much telling, not enough showing. After I realized just how utterly mechanical the writing was, I literally skimmed over the whole story. Just half a sentence here and there got the full message across without losing content. Looking it over, you could easily rewrite this as a single chapter, under 5k words, while keeping the story's important points.
On top of that, there is no pacing whatsoever. Not once before the bathtub bit is there any evidence that either one has any romantic inclinations, and suddenly they both succumb to a moment of close contact.
I will say that the first chapter's attempt at writing in a way to introduce the characters to a newbie is at least a good thing; it could have been less monotonously written, but it was a nice effort.
Overall, the worst of it has to be the fact that the summary one could write from reading the first sentence of each paragraph would basically tell the story without all the tediously over-detailed information on the mechanics of tea and cookies.
Keep trying; at least you have the balls to post something, unlike myself.
you clearly do not know the difference between telepathy and telekinesis.
telepathy:
n.
Communication through means other than the senses, as by the exercise of an occult power.
telekinesis
noun
the production of motion in objects (as by a spiritualistic medium) without contact or other physical means.
This has probably been said already but the first two chapters had a very over description of everything around that was to describe. Show don't tell is on fundamental rule of writing.
Other then that it was rather cute. and being a TwiShy fan i relay enjoyed it.
on a rating note i'll give you a 7/10 take away some points for over description and length but it was good nonetheless.
~Tobben
The last chapter was somewhat sweet, but not enough. I can't up-vote it, but I surely won't down-vote it ether.
Some mistakes were already pointed out. Those needless introductions, for example. I were also left to wander about their emotional state and train of thoughts. You wrote a lot about what was happening, as some kind of chain of actions, a happened, then b happened, than c happened... it felt a bit too descriptive. On a side-note: I don't think ponies sit on a coach like humans do. (Regarding the scene where Fluttershy put her head in Twilights lap.)
At the end of quite a lot of sentences, there's simply no full stop, the punctuation mark missing.
The idea of a slumber-party between Twi and Shy was a good one, one I really liked. (Otherwise, I wouldn't have started to read it.)
I think, most of those problems could easily be solved with an editor. Hm. Yeah, I'll stick with that: This story needs an editor.
15368
That you realize this, encourages me to read the rest of it. It's really grating, but I can live with it. My only other complaint would be that despite Fluttershy being . . . well, Fluttershy, is that I have a hard time picturing it to cross Twilight's mind that a sleepover with Fluttershy would be boring. In fact, the only perspective where thinking would make sense to me is if it were in Rainbow Dash's point of view instead of Twilight.