When the ad for a roommate was answered by a pony, Louis was more than a bit surprised. He had heard about them in the news, and how they had come from another world. But what Bronies had wished for wasn't exactly what they found. Now the real ponies are visiting earth, and he has one living with him. How will the straight laced normal guy learn to deal with a hyperactive pink pony, and how will she learn to live in a world without magic?
A bit of a sitcom style slice of life, where the real ponies are as different from the show as we are from cartoon humans. Rated PG13 for innuendo and language. Expect foul language, F-bombs, sexual innuendos, and tons of low-brow dirty humor.
Featured! 2/7/14
Room for Rent: FAQ
Edited by Zyrian
Chapters (14)
Saw this at the top of the new stories list and clicked on it purely because I couldn't for the life of me figure out what the cover art was suppose to be. I had initially thought that it was a pair of slippers, whoops.
I've only seen this sort of premise once before and I really enjoyed what you've put up so far. The only compliant I have mirrors what Akumokagetsu said, too little detail on Louis. The only thing that I could really guess was his age, assuming around 30, but I might be wrong.
Louis? This wouldn't by any chance be the same Louis from Left 4 Dead, now would it?
Also, I've carried more then 20 dollars and never had trouble. You just don't leave your wallet unatended is all.
Maybe it's best if Pinkie Pie doesn't eat meat.
Well. This is really quite well written, and very funny. I enjoy the odd couple vibe Pinkie and Louis have going on, and definitely interesting in where things are going.
I would like to third the motion for some more info on Louis though.
An interesting premise, with plenty of possibilities for wacky hijinks.
I'm a little confused about the cloven-hoof thing, though. If this comes into play as an explanation for how ponies can hold objects in their hooves, it might be a good idea to go back and add something to that effect in this chapter, or the prior one where the cloven hooves are first mentioned, as Louis watches her performing some task (such as cooking); otherwise, it just feels like an arbitrary change that was inserted for no particular reason other than "make them different from the show."
And yes, a little more detail on what Louis looks like would be good. (Although granted, this is one of the inherent weaknesses of first-person perspective; the main character usually can't just come out and give the reader a complete description of himself without it feeling artificial and forced, so the information either has to be given out in bits and pieces throughout the narrative, or you have to arrange a circumstance where the protagonist would have reason to be actively noticing his own appearance.)
Grammar-wise, a couple of things to watch out for:
One, you keep using it's when you mean its.
It's is the contraction of "it is"
Its, without an apostrophe, is the possessive pronoun; i.e. something which belongs to or is a property of "it." Possessive pronouns (his, hers, theirs, its, yours) never get apostrophes before the s.
A quick way to tell for sure which one you should use is to substitute "it is" into the sentence and see if it still makes sense:
Incidentally, this also works for other often-confused pairs like "your" vs "you're", "we're" vs. "were", "theirs" vs. "there's" etc.; when in doubt, take the contraction form (you're, we're, there's), expand it out to its full form ("you are", "we are", "there is"), drop it into the sentence, and see if it still makes sense. If it breaks the sentence, use the other form. (This does break down a bit with "there / their / they're", since you have three forms instead of two, but at least it eliminates one obviously-wrong choice.)
Related to the above:
"How's" is a contraction of "how is"; it needs the apostrophe.
3903698
Ugh, see this is why I need an editor. Mine had been busy with school and work, so hasnt been able to help much. Thanks for pointing out the issues, I'll go back over it and update before I publish the next chapter.
I never even thought about that Louis looks like, I will have to give some though to it. I usually don;t describe my first person Protagonists, unless I have to, so that the reader can better put themselves in the role. Since it seems to be the common request, i'll see what I can do about working some descriptions in.
The reasons behind things like the cloven hooves become more apparent as the story progresses, and you find out how different they really are.
Chapter 2 is done, although i will make another pass. 3 is almost done, needs editing badly. I may wait until I;ve made the suggested changes before I update.
You know, I like this story. And you write at a good pace and understand how to combine comedy with general good storytelling. Keep up the good work man. :D
this is a very enjoyable start. interesting premise, as well.
Not a bad story so far, apart from a few things that I have a personal minor disliking of. I'll be keeping an eye on this for further updates.
3903957
An editor would help, or at least a proof-reader.
Here, have a few typo corrections for free:
Mildly forgiveable, as Louis may not know the difference between sentience and sapience.
Okay, I'm not sure what to suggest for this one - what do you mean by "show out"?
3904221
Yea, been trying to get help editing this thing for a week, finally said fuckit, and posted it anyway. So sorry for all the mess.
in response, I can never remember, or care, the difference between Sapience and Sentience. it was supposed to be Shot out, not show. The rest are straight up typos. thanks!
All the more reason to find another editor, and make another pass at this story before I continue updating. Any takers?
And for anyone wondering at my method? I am trying something new, as I usually do. I have not clue where this story is going. instead of having an overarching story with a clear beginning and end like I usually do, all i have are a series of jokes, gags and situations in my head, I then try to write a story to string them together into a larger narrative kind of like most sitcoms do.
Future episodes feature such ideas as Pinkie vs Shedding, Pinkie vs Heat (oh boy, gonna strain the ratings on this one), Pinkie vs the internet. You get the idea. Me and my friend/editor are still kicking around ideas. I'm trying my best to have fun with this story, and not take it as seriously as I do most of my writing.
EDIT: Protip kids, don't respond to comments dealing with typos and grammar errors while drunk. Just makes you look like an ass. Gnight folks!
Wow this story is amazing! More please!
Monty Python cover art gets an instant fave.
>Rated Teen
>Doesn't seem to be any sign of sex or clop, based on the description.
So why the fucking hell is the cover art a picture of Pinkie's ass that, as far as I can tell, has nothing to do with the story? I get the vibe that you're just trying to exploit cloppers and get views. If so...
I just find such a practice disgusting.
Enjoyed chapter one. Lots of potential. Chapter two...too much toilet humor, too much swearing, too much lower middle class angst. It was there in chapter one too, but not so much that I wasn't able to enjoy the story. Chapter two, it was distracting me from the story.
No. Really, not yay. This fic would be much better without it. This is supposed to be a fun cute comedy. The swearing shouldn't be distracting me from the story. Also, guy swears like a sailor, but is embarrassed to to talk about Rainbow Dash being gay? Pinkie clearly has money but he insists she have a job and extols the virtues a working life? Combine all this with the constant use of idioms, clumsy slurred speech and dropped g's:
"Wanna" and "gonna" and "hangin" are not words. Deliberate misspelling can be used to provide color to speech, but you're using the same voice for all characters. The net effect of all this is that the whole story comes across as smothered in a heavy layer of lower middle class urbanism. And just like some people are turned off by clop, some people are turned off by swearing...you have a lot of things going on here that are likely to turn off a good portion of readers.
The story premise has potential. The pacing is good. There's a proper amount of emotion and humor. But there's a strong character to the writing here that I and probably some of your other potential readers will find distasteful.And like a few other commenters have pointed out, much of the grammar you're using is not very good. I think this story would be vastly improved by cleaning up the character and style of the writing.
3903120 PILLS HERE!
3904818 I'm with this guy, the toilet humor is fine in tiny doses, but you really need to revise this chapter before going ANY further. Also despite magic being unusable here she's still able to roll her tongue out really long and eat everything on the table, AND store balloons in bags too small for them. You NEED consistency, here. Take a hammer to this chapter, and revise it, heavily. Chapter one was great, and I'd give it a solid 8 for potential and concept. This chapter bumped it down to a 5.7, on my scale. You need to fix this before writing anything else.
3904659
Wait for it, its actually a scene that happens later. And while there is no clop, its gonna get close to the edge, and kinda spit over it.
3904818
Lower Middle class is what Louis is, thus the angst, swearing and general pissed-off at the world attitude. But other than that hes a nice guy, and while willing to cuss, is still sensitive about being PC in front of a new guest, especially a new alien dignitary from another dimension.
3904981
Wait for it... If you read my other stories, you will find that I have a bit of a compulsive need for things to make sense. While I may not explain them right away, logic is usually brought to bear at some point. And I'm sorry if you guys don't like the toilet humor, but its prolly gonna get worse. So will the language. It drives my editor nuts, but its how I have decided to write this character and story.
I am having FUN with this, and you guys are along for the ride, so wear your helmet, and fasten your seatbelt. As I mentioned before, this story is just a string of jokes and funny situations that I am stringing along into a story. Think 'Family Guy' level of humor, but without TV censors.
That being said, there are still some good ideas everyone is giving me, and I plan to use them, including a re-write of chapter 1 to fix the grammar. I blame auto-correct on that one... Stay tuned!
This is pretty good, keep it up
I'm okay with this fic.
When you said 'Louis' this guy
i1.ytimg.com/vi/wOBNrAtIhRo/hqdefault.jpg
Came to mind. But after reading a bit more, I learned that this in fact, is not the case.
Reading onward!
Ain't that the truth. I work in Retail myself, and that is the PERFECT description of it.
But one thing:
Is he SURE that he's not gangsta?
Real horses have canine teeth too, though they're more hidden.
And yes, a horse will eat just about anything -- especially if it's seen you nibble on it first.
...This is not the case. A younger sister entails a lot more screaming, blood, blood-rages, angst, and hate...along with what is considered bro-sis stuff, taking care of each other...you've got more of a...Female friend staying over at your house because she got kicked out of her apartment kind of deal.
3902651 Hey, Aku...Didn't know you shopped here...
3906078 I'm just going to wait for the transmogrification of the has to have, and read a few other fics elsewhere for now....I'm sure I'll be able to come back later...
This is going to be fun. Fave... I never use that word.
This is fun!
Oh.My.Dear.Lord.
There are no words to describe how much I love this story. This had me laughing all the way through, especially the part where Pinkie finishes off the breakfast. I haven't laughed that hard in weeks!
This is a story I will be keeping a very close eye on. I am very much looking forward to where you take this. Keep up the good work!
3906354 Are you saying that you can't or won't read this because it has grammar errors?
This is very interesting. I like it.
Well, this is a great story. The picture was kind of misleading, though.
A picture of Pinkie's butt in boxers and what ever it is coming out of the top seems better suited for a clop fic... in my opinion. Maybe you should consider changing it?
But a great story!
..........Soooooo, everypony is this fic is bisexual? Or atleast only the mares? Huh, go figure.
That aside great fic, i am looking foward to the comming chapters.
Man Vagitarian...... fucking hell that's my new favorite word!
I enjoyed this.
The cute moments and humor are great, haha.
So when do the others come into this picture? Dying to know what Dash is like now that she found her.......people.
3907008 I'm saying I can't read the second chapter...right now...I simply don't have the time.
edit: I FINALLY HAVE FIVE MINUTES! NOBODY INTERRUPT ME! READING!
I like how you used a Majora's Mask reference in the titles.
3906336 Oh we will get to that in later chapters
3907083 Wait for it... It's a scene in the next chapter. I honestly tried finding a pie of Pinkie looking like a furry Llama or sheep, but failed. So I went with this, and the MP joke made me lol.
3908109 This is a sitcom style narrative, with a very limited cast. The others will make cameos in news articles and such in the background, but I want to focus on the dynamic between Pinkie and Louis. Fact is, all the characters are parodies of friends or coworkers, but so far only Don has been told about it. All names are of course changed to protect the identities, as well as to avoid legal action.
Oh man, wait till they go out for fast food...
3908470 Rainbow Dash is far too awesome to be tied own to one gender role.
Everyone is Gay/Straight/Bi for Dashie. EVERYONE.
3908957 NO NONONONONO. Rainbow is too cool to be gay. this is sick, and twisted, and i may never read it because of that
3908995 She's not gay.
She's Awesome-Sexual!
3909011 Not funny. Just NOT FUNNY
3909023
Yeah, it would have been better as "awe-sexual".
The vagitarian line on the other hand was amazing.
I like it so far. My only complaint to the very beginning when you're describing Pinkie Pie. Ponies don't have cloven hooves.
3909119 this is sick. you LIKE that stuff? you should be ashamed. :(
3909023 if you don't like those kinds of jokes then get off the internet.
3909181 ha ha
you make me laugh. there is good on the internet, some of us are just to perverted to see it.
3908957 Okay, i await the next chapter. An the chapter after that. In fact, I await for the whole fucking story, so please hurry!
3909119 Sadly, the joke isn't original. I stole it from Quagmire, by way of Family Guy.
3909023
3909127
3909181
Dance my puppets, dance! Let the angst flow through you!
But seriously, wait till chapter 3.