I'm older than your average brony, but then I've always enjoyed cartoons. I'm an experienced reviewer, EqD pre-reader, and occasional author.
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Scootaloo only wants to spend her birthday with her idol. Rainbow Dash would normally love to accommodate her, but… she doesn't want to talk about it. So nopony'd better ask.
Featured on Equestria Daily!
Thanks to Nicknack, presentperfect, and amacita for feedback.
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Subtle and touching, and it has the perfect amount of conflict for a quiet little slice of life fic.
That's a lovely little story. A past friend (as in, I don't live near them anymore and have fallen out of touch) had multiple open heart transplant surgeries before I knew her. She was remarkably upbeat. I guess it's the only possible outcome of those kinds of situations - you can either be depressed and let it all consume you or you fight through it and take every last moment you can to the fullest.
Very well done story, I loved the perfect balance in the story. It was just the right amount of sad to be a happy story(if that makes any sense at all). Also I only found one mistake "First Rarity, and now Spike, too? Did anypony else want to run her life today, too?" I believe you wanted to say ruin not run .
3982279
Actually, "run" is what I read as correct, but I figure people would read it as "ruin."
Question: how do you get a story featured on Equestria Daily this quickly? Everybody I know won't hear back from them for almost 2 months
Edit: Oh wait. You're an Equestria Daily pre-reader. Yeah, that's totally fair
3982439 How do you know how long it's been in the queue for?
3982464 It was posted 5 days ago on this site.
Edit: Actually, if you look at the "First Published", it was published today. And featured on Equestria Daily in a few hours? Yeah, not fishy at all.
3982467 Well, yeah. Pascoite usually doesn't publish until it's green-lit for EqD. If you're complaining about getting noticed faster, I've had a super speedy turn around because a pre-reader knew my story already. It's not so much pre-reader prejudice, it's just knowing which authors/stories need a minimum of checking. If you're asking them not to take any perks at all, I think you're being grossly unfair.
It ain't fishy. It's practical.
3982467
You know it's possible to submit the story to EqD without it being public on FimFic, right? So long as it's not password-protected, anyone with a link can access it. Maybe the author just waited for it to go up on EqD before publishing it on here. It's a sensible way to attract as much attention as possible to a story.
3982505 Yeah, well, after 17 times being featured on Equestria Daily, you start to think that there's some kind of fishy pattern going on.
Look, I actually upvoted the story. I'm not saying it's a bad story or anything.
But if he holds off posting the story on this site until it is featured on Equestria Daily, then he already knows it's going to be featured.
And, you know, having him be a pre-reader on the site does help...
3982467
Simplest explanation is probably that it was first submitted to Equestria Daily as a private link months ago then made public on the day it would hit their front page.
3982439
This: 3982505 3982608
I leave the story unpublished until it hits EqD, then submit it to be publicly visible here. I don't want it posted here for all to see until it's good enough for EqD. Say my story ended up being rejected (which has happened 4 times so far)—I'd want to be able to revise it before everyone can see it. I've got a dozen unpublished fics sitting around because they aren't revised to my satisfaction yet. I've got another story that's been in the queue for 3 weeks now. Nothing to get bent out of shape over. This is the way I've done it since long before I was a pre-reader, and it doesn't take any special information that only pre-readers have access to. Anyone who wants to publish that way can do so. No privilege involved. In fact, it's cost me on more than one occasion. Sometimes my stories have been posted on EqD during the day, and I can't submit it for FiMFiction approval until hours later when I get home from work. Then I've missed out on having that initial traffic from EqD while I'm still on the front page. Doesn't really matter. It's about being satisfied that I have a good product before letting everyone else read it, and I've encountered quite a few authors who use the same philosophy. We get a decent number of unpublished stories submitted to our queue.
3982916 Even though I don't necessarily agree on this strategy (as I feel it is unfair to people who try to write a long story over a long period of time, who are almost always rejected), it is actually a satisfying answer, so I'll be on my way and I won't speak of it again. All the best on your future writings.
Okay... i'm just confused. I really like how Rainbow's character was portrayed, but the vague way the situation was presented only made me ask more questions.
The story makes it seem as if Scootaloo's dying, but at the same time Rainbow said it was a minor heart defect. If it was a minor heart defect, then why the heck is Rainbow getting all teary about it. So Scootaloo is dying? Then why did Rainbow said it was a minor heart defect... contradiction much?
Technically and stylistically the story is definitely good for EQD, but I'm still... just very confused as to what actually happened, which is impeding my ability to enjoy the story because all I read is Rainbow angst, without actually understanding the context. To me, it seems to be a case of too much show... not enough tell.
3983224
Long story short, It is a fairly routine thing Scootaloo needs done, but Dash is taking it really hard because she's not willing to admit to herself how much Scoot means to her. And yet having to even entertain the remote possibility that Scoot could die frightens her immensely. It's like the difference between hearing that a neighbor's kid was in a car accident and hearing that your kid was in a car accident. Dash is the only one feeling that extra "parent" worry. She knows it's not that big a deal, but she can't help herself.
3983224
I have to agree with this sentiment. The payoff wasn't strong enough in my opinion.
3983265
I am sorry but no. Given the lack of seriousness given to the root cause of Dash's behavior it doesn't work. I understand that maybe you didn't want to go with something stronger to avoid cliche, but that ship sailed long ago based on the very underlying premise of the story.
3983477
I honestly don't get your confusion.
You've never tried to backburner an emotion? Trying to avoid having to feel it, at least for a little while?
Really though, her sentiment is understandable. A minor heart defect is still a heart defect. A routine surgery is still surgery. These are very serious things that doctors have attached descriptive words to in an attempt at consoling people.
All surgery carries risk - even something as benign sounding as having your wisdom teeth removed can cause death because of the pain killers involved. And we're talking heart surgery; there's really only one thing more vital that you could put in that spot - brain.
Why is it difficult to understand Rainbow cares about someone enough that even though those reassuring words have been attached, she only sees the very reasonable fear inducing words?
I've got a nephew who's going through chemo right now. He appears to be doing well in it - it's still having a serious toll - but he's in his final round and will be done in three weeks.
He's two.
You can be as reassuring as you like with words like "minor" and "routine", but it just doesn't cut it when it's someone you love.
3983265 That certainly explains things. But you shouldn't have to explain it to me this. While I actually think this reasoning makes sense, there's not enough contradiction in Rainbow's behaviour or internal dilemma. She should (at least in what I think her characterization would be) be wondering what the hell is wrong with her instead of just feeling motherly about Scootaloo. Aka... if she truly is feeling that extra-parent worry (which you conveyed quite well) then she also should be feeling the 'i'm not actually her parent' angst, which I really didn't get. I get what you attempted and I actually like it better than most Scootaloo-Rainbow fics, but there are just some odd things about the story that sortof confused me and things that could have been explained further.
Altogether, this was a nice story, especially with the flow and stylistic manner which you portrayed Rainbow's emotions. I earnestly think Rainbow's characterization was believable, despite the fact I was confused on the why she felt that way. Its just some tweaking you have to do here and there to smooth things out.
3983477 It was less that the payoff wasn't strong enough and more that I really didn't know what the payoff was. I do... in hindsight and reflection, and after the author's explanation, understand Rainbow's behaviour.
Yet, I believe with her 'tough mare' image, she'd be more angsty about why she is feeling such mush mush vulnerable feelings for Scootaloo when its supposed to be a relatively minor procedure.
3983062
I'm curious as to why you think this about longer stories. Updating stories don't compete with one-shots for the feature box, so I'm not sure what you mean. I haven't gone back to collect any numbers from our records, since it'd be very tedious to compile word counts, but it's been my impression that a greater proportion of shorter stories don't make the grade. Yes, the longer a story is, the more problems it'll have, but that's expected; I don't look at the number of issues with a story, but the rate at which they occur, so story length doesn't enter into it. But even if shorter stories did more easily pass, authors have the option of submitting a limited portion of the story and, if that's accepted, adding chapters without needing to go through us, so that'd negate the handicap. I guess I just don't understand what disadvantage you think long stories get, and whether you're referring to ones that update or ones that get posted all at once.
3983477
If it doesn't work for you, I can't argue that, but I can argue vehemently that there was evidence given to explain everyone's motivations.
When everyone clears their throats at Spike's offer to help Dash, it shows that they know there's a problem with her, but that they likely feel it's a better option to let her work it out herself, and they don't realize how big it's gotten. All they've seen her do so far is act grumpy and standoffish, which is pretty consistent with how a macho person would deal with a personal problem she'd rather keep secret.
Everyone is upbeat around Scootaloo, but Spike's offer to have Dash wait with him and Twilight shows that they aren't blowing it off—they were already planning to wait for news, so it is definitely an item of concern for them.
Spike's the only one who finds out how much Dash is actually upset by this. He's the only one who sees her cry, and she asks him to keep quiet about it. By the time she leaves, he's satisfied that she's come to a resolution, which indeed she has, because she refers to writing in the journal, which is what they do when they've solved a problem, after all.
Dash plainly admits at the end that it's not a hugely serious thing, but she's never really considered a little girl's mortality, so while there is some worry for Scootaloo's sake, her crying is also for another reason, which she goes on to elaborate: She's frustrated at her weakness, which she brushed off initially as a simple bad mood about others intruding into her business, but she embraces that same weakness by what she says to Scootaloo. She wants two things that she considers to be mutually exclusive, which she copes with by alternately dealing with both extremes: doting on Scootaloo and trying to keep her distance. This is the same way she dealt with Tank in canon—she nuzzles him, but only when nobody's looking.
I don't think it's a stretch at all for someone to have an extreme reaction to a minor problem because it happened to strike a nerve with her. It happens enough IRL.
So while you're certain that dealing with the premise in this way is untenable, I'm just as certain that you're unfairly characterizing exactly what that premise is and how it's being used. But rather than risk this becoming a "Yuh-huh!" "Nuh-uh!" back-and-forth, I'll just say that while I appreciate the thought you put into your response, I'm confident enough in the caliber of the people I asked to review this for me that I'm satisfied to let it stand as is.
3984353
Well, I'm sorry it left you confused. On any given story, I'll always get a mix of people saying they didn't understand everything or thought that things were over-explained, and I've pretty much hit an equilibrium here.
3984570 Meh it happens. Still, I think it was a solid one shot... Although I believe I liked "But You Surpass Them All" better.
3983477
I'm with you, but I think it's less whatever unnamed condition Scootaloo has and more the sort of forced mysteriousness present throughout the whole story. It's a faux-nuance that doesn't really work so well. While Rainbow Dash says nothing, every other character more or less wears their hearts on their sleeves, straight up explaining in plain english how they feel and what they want to do about it. Spike in particular is a big offender in this regard, and his entire presence is useless to the story. He switches from being precocious to a a toddler and back in blinks of an eye.
Rainbow Dash's motivations are likewise stilted and artificial, predicated on this outdated and misinterpreted idea that she has trouble facing things she's emotional about, stemming from her reaction at the Young Fliers competition. Important to that scene is the context. Rainbow Dash is nervous, puts off trying to compete, doesn't want to screw up and fail herself (and to an extent, her friends), but overcomes all that and more than comes through when it matters most. Forgiving that this apparently takes place in season 4 and Rainbow has already grown from that, that parallel moment would have happened right at the top of the story, with Dash being nervous that she'd let Scootaloo down somehow, but brushing that aside for the sake of the little crusader. That's loyalty, after all.
Really, none of that truly matters except that the story is treated with an undeserved seriousness. There are a thousand and more Scootalove stories that follow similar structures, and they are easily digestible pieces of entertainment. However, when given a more serious overtone, the rest of the story must rise to the occasion. Particularly egregious, in my mind, is the title drop. It's a strained, "inverted" phrase that feigns waxing poetic considering its immediate context. The line is even meant to be taken mostly literally, further isolating it as ridiculous.
Oy, I've already written much more than I should have. It's an ok story, sort of takes its self too seriously and that makes it very silly.
That was an amazing story, I have to say! You probably don't need someone to tell you this, but your ability to convey emotion through narration is amazing.
I personally thought the scenario was very believable, though I have never really been close enough to someone with these kinds of problems to experienced that apathetic despair that Dash is on the recieving end of here. The part where dash had trouble flying with Scootaloo on her back, and the part where you described the sounds in the sandwich shop, for some reasons struck me as profoundly complex scenes, maybe because the sounds and feelings that were described in those scenes, are the sort of things you would only notice in particularly despairing or introspective moments.
Eh... honestly, it felt kind of slow. It was obvious from very early on that Scootaloo had something wrong with her, due to the way Dash was being... it just felt like it took a long time to get there, and the path along the way felt too long to me.
It wasn't a bad idea, though. I just think that making it a little more intense in some ways might have helped. I understand why it was played low key, but I think playing it up a bit more might have helped keep me engaged and give me the feels you were hoping for.
i.imgur.com/6MrWqNZ.png
This is a fairly nice and well written story, and the idea is a fairly interesting one that I'd like reading about.
However, it does fail a bit at its execution, and managed to leave me somewhat unsatisfied.
It's not bad by any means(in fact, it's good enough that I consider it worthy of getting crituque), but it certainly could have been a lot better.
The number one problem with this story is Rainbow Dash. Several people here have already voiced their opinion about it, but I would like to add mine to the mix.
Rainbow Dash's behaviour, while somewhat realistic, is one that I failed to empathise with during the story. And while I could certainly empathise with her in hindsight, by then the damage was already done. You're telling a story about how Rainbow reacts to a certain situation here, without telling us what the situation was. This just made it impossible for me to be invested in what was being told, mostly because I was imagining it being some run of the mill bland "sad thing"™. If I had known what it was at least partway through the story, I likely would have liked this story a lot more.
The second biggest issue I have is Spike. Honestly, I just don't see any reason for him to be In this story at all, and this comes from a person who generally likes Spike as a character =/
I don't feel that he's adding anything to the narrative/experience, and I do believe that removing him would make the story feel less slow, all around improving the pacing...
Either way, I consider this to be a fairly good fic, but it certainly could have been a fair bit better
~Sind
A wonderfully written and heartfelt story. You kept me guessing what was wrong until near the very end when I pieced it together. I didn't expect the heart condition, but I figured out the hospital bit a little before Spike chatted with her. You planted the suspicion well. I don't have anything else to say that is meaningful, so here is a Scoots and Dashie:
I was getting the feeling that scoots was dashes foal and the reason the day was so hard for her is because it was the anniversary of when she had given scoots up for adoption cause she was too young and the fact that equine pregnancies can run into that time frame of birthdays. wasn't expecting the whole hospital thing
I just loved the final bits, Scoots saying those words were all I needed to hear.
I still feel you tried too hard to be vague about stuff, but it was nice. Worth the read at least, if only for the way it lead up to the d'awws.
Holy crap! I did not expect that. Excellent story.
They look so cute togather
awww
I couldn't understand what RD was going through, why? Its like she directed some serious negativity towards Scootaloo...
But then when I read the ending, I rethought the feelings described and it made sense.
Well done.
Unlike all the pretentiousness up above me in the comments, I actually understood what the story was aiming for while reading it. I enjoyed it a great deal. Please keep up the good work.
A very well-written story that took seven thousand words to achieve what should really have only taken three, four tops.
Seriously, there's not nearly enough content, the premise is cliche enough to be guessable (Tropes Are A Tool, sure, but you can't rely on the impact of the 'twist' anymore) and... well, the characters are written pretty perfectly. I guess I can't think of a third thing, really.
Also, c'mon, it's a pretty pretentious title. You have to admit that much. She's not dying, she's not going to die, so the quote isn't nearly pithy enough to warrant the florid prose title.
3985221
Rainbow had me skipping to the end so I could read what she's sad about and then go back and read through again. You know what? Still wasn't worth it. Separating it as a reaction and a twist just didn't work; it weakened empathy and relied on a cheap, overused gimmick to sell the story.
Spike honestly just felt like a padded-out B plot for a story that really, above all else, should not have been padded.
3984674
Incredibly well-said.
I'm again going to add that whilst Spike was initially well-done, his and Twilight's dialogue felt rather 'twee'.
"Oh, look, one of my best friends is having an emotional crisis. Good job noticing that, young emotionally vulnerable child-friend, now I'm going to let you handle this and not look any further into it myself, because it's a chance for you to prove yourself." Right.
Really, that's what did it for me, I feel.
3984674
Well, I was prepared to make a thoughtful response to your comment, but it seems you're more interested in making generalized, mean-spirited statements, so... I don't know what I've ever done to make you so angry, but most of what you've said points to things you didn't like, versus things that are demonstrably wrong. One of the things you'd have me do actually is wrong. And for the record, there was no title drop. The chapter title was the original story title, and I changed it after the text was finalized, since I didn't think people would care about the reference, so be careful making assumptions.
3986317
I appreciate you being civil, and I'm sorry you didn't enjoy the story. However, your reaction is another variation on the "Dash isn't behaving reasonably" theme, some saying that canon Dash wouldn't do this, and others saying nobody anywhere would do this. The first, I'd just have to disagree on, but for the second, I know two people exactly like this. You can tell when they're upset, but you don't say anything to them about it, because they won't talk, and they might even get upset that you asked. When someone wants to try, we all figure more power to him, and once in a rare while it works, but mostly we just let them work it out on their own. If you don't think Dash can be like that, then we have a difference of headcanon, but if you think nobody can, then I don't know what to say. You might not believe it, but they exist.
3986502
You apparently didn't read what I said at all.
I thought Dash behaved utterly reasonably. In fact I even said the characters were pretty spot on, specifically.
What I think was that the story was structured so poorly as to make her behaviour hard to empathize with, in spite of a very relatable situation. What I think was that your story relied on a cliche twist that couldn't deliver the emotional impact the buildup demanded. What I think is that you rammed in a lot of padding that the concept simply didn't have room for to make a satisfactory resolution.
I did not, once, say that Rainbow Dash was unreasonable or unbelievable.
3986683
I in fact did read your comment. No need to be caustic. I was referring to the manner in which the other characters relate to Dash, particularly this part:
As I said, there are real people I've learned to deal with exactly in this way.
3986317
Of course, just putting the reveal at the beginning isn't going to cut it to fix the issue; the narration will have to integrate it too.
This did make me realize though, that one of the specifics about the problem with Rainbow Dash here is shallowness. We constantly get to hear how sad she is, but it never goes beyond that in its descriptiveness. This also makes the story feel repetitive, giving it the "alright, we get it already, tell us something new" feel, which adds to the pacing issue that has already been noted.
(note: of course, I'm not saying that repetitiveness is always bad. Repeating things in different situations, or with a different mindset, can have a huge positive effect. The problem here is that it repeats without first adding anything new to our perspective)
But this is just part of the issue we already have, with the narration trying too hard to be vague about "the sad thing".
I still think the premise is a good one, though. Rainbow Dash being sad for Scootaloo, while not wanting to show it, is a plot that is perfect for her character, and rich with possibilities to boot.
edit: I feel as though I came through as too negative in this post, and that was not my intention. I certainly think this has a lot of potential, and would love to see it realized.
3986751
Yes. Fine. You know people in real life like that. You did not convince me Twilight was one of them nor did you touch on any of my other complaints.
You also disrespected me by ignoring all my other points and making a strawman of what I said to suit your own arguments.
That, right there, was absolutely infuriating. That was not one, or any, of my points and for you to summarize my position so callously was rather offensive.
3986769
This wouldn't have been nearly so grating had the story been much shorter, much more focused and much less vague and ambiguous.
3986773
I honestly don't know what's made you so angry. I talked about that one point because I was originally addressing that across several people's responses. How does that disrespect you?
I have been informed that this post was unnecessarily, unintentionally, antagonistic, and has thus been removed.
For future reference: The point of this was to indicate my displeasure and direct further discourse to P.M. This has been achieved.
A rather nice story, I'm always up for reading a scoot/RD. I really enjoyed it and thought simply that you did a great job on it. Well done and thanks for the interesting read.
-frost
3986941
I tried to address a common theme I was seeing across several comments, and that doesn't serve to invalidate or confirm anything else you said. I don't know why you'd assume it would. But I will take this to PM, as it's becoming less about the story and more about parliamentary procedure.
the issue i got from this text is that half way into it u get really pissed off at dash being oc and rude to everipony
i had to skip to the end of it just to know why was she pissed off, but then i didnt felt the characters feelings building up, i really didnt enjoy it as much as i should have 
i guess that if ur going to make a story like this then it should be way shorter like oneshot, if not then u should include a paragraph that explains why is the main character suffering in the first place.
I'll go ahead and add my two cents in: though it is a variation on pretty much what everyone else has said. Incredibly well written story but the narrative structure takes away from the enjoyment. We're introduced to the idea that something is bothering Rainbow Dash (So far so good), but we don't find out what until the end, and once we know whats bothering her her actions at the beginning of the story don't make a lot of sense, if she was scared that something was going to happen to scootaloo why was she trying to avoid her/not wanting to go to her party/not wanting to take her snowboarding, i think either changing the structure or adding an explanatory thought monologue in the begining for Rainbow would help clear things up.
Who wants to help me kill the ones that disliked this story?
So...call me stupid, but what happened?
3989309 I will help you just let me get my gun
3983477
I find it perfectly plausible for one big reason ...
Rainbow Dash has never been shown to be good at handling her vulnerability to her own softer emotions. She's upset because her fan / friend / surrogate daughter is at risk for her life (yes, one is, even in a "routine operation" and the more so if the thoracic cavity must be violated). She wants to deal with this as she deals with all her challenges in life, by flying really fast and maybe hitting something.
The problem is, there's nothing she can do about this situation. All she can do is be nice to Scootaloo and hope she lives. And if Scootaloo does die, then there'll be nothing Rainbow can do to prevent it.
Rainbow Dash feels helpless. Which is not something she's used to feeling. And she's not handling it well.
So she's very much on edge, and trying to stop herself from lashing out at everypony who talks to her. Because being mean to her friends won't make anything better either.
This was a very well written story, the structure was great and you developed the characters greatly all throughout.
and to that I applaud you sir.