Mares, Propositions, and Tea
Mares, Propositions, and Tea:
He woke up on the bench at the train station. It had been his bed and friend for the last two days. As Half-Wit got up he felt something scratchy on his shoulder and was not surprised in the least when he found dried bird droppings.
Had to happen at least once I guess.
After attempts to scratch the dried dropping out of his olive green coat failed he silently vowed to track down the bird and obliterate it. With a long and hungry sigh he began to walk back into town. Once more the experience of Ponyville enticed him. The smell of apple pies loomed in the air along with the sound of ponies going about their daily routines. It seemed perfect.
I might be starving and have bird crap on me but… I like it here.
As you finished reading that italicized sentence a beam of magic slapped Half-Wit and threw him 23.5 yards away. He landed approximately 14.7 inches away from the Post Office.
I really don’t get the precise measurements… they don’t add anything and certainly don’t help with imagery. What direction did I go flying in? Where the buck is the Post Office in relation to the Train Station? Are you even trying to establish a general sens-
A brilliant azure pony punched Half-Wit in the face which in result ended his stupid thought process. She flicked her pale cornflower blue mane and was release angry staggered breathes.
Wow. Brilliant Azure? Pale cornflower blue? Somepony likes the wiki too much.
Trixie held him down under her hoof and brought her face to his.
“3 weeks!!! The Great and Powerful Trixie waited 3 weeks for a bucking letter or a call!!! Unacceptable!!! The pain Trixie has been dealt is unforgivable!!! Prepare to meet your demise pathetic stallion!!!”
Half-Wit rolled his eyes.
“Look lady, get your extremely smooth hoof off of me. I have never met you before in my life.”
Trixie was going to destroy him but then she realized that she had indeed never met him before. She slowly lifted her hoof off his chest and looked terribly confused.
“You speak the truth weak stallion.”
Well buck, just kick me when I’m down will you…
Trixie kicked him.
“You should have not shot the Great and Powerful Trixie tempting looks! Such pain is the punishment you deserve!”
What the flying-
All of a sudden her cocky attitude died down. The unicorn’s cheeks flushed red and she scratched away at the dirt next to Half-Wit.
“Perhaps the weak stallion would wish to gain Trixie’s forgiveness by accompanying her to lunch?”
He looked at her, and saw that she was truly being sincere. She was asking him out on a date.
Blasts me, punches me, and threatens to kill me. Now I have to earn her forgiveness? This mare is a freaking nutjo-
While he thought about the obviously crazy mare before him his stomach began to beg him to risk his life on a date with her. You know what they say: a smart stallion follows his stomach.
So yeah nopony says that… and I suppose that she is pretty, pretty for a mare who is probably going to kill me.
“Uh… You shame me lady…”
“Great and Powerful Trixie!!!”
“Yes… uh... Great and powerful Trixie. This unworthy stallion has no bits to offer the one and stupendous Trixie.”
This feels awkwardly kinky… just saying… It reminds me of that one hotel in Manehattan where all the mares actually turned out to be-
“Your sins are barely forgiven weak pony. Luckily we are not to dine out. We shall retire to Trixie’s abode!!!”
Yeah I’m gonna die.
The walk to Trixie’s home was not too long. In a way Half-Wit was happy that another one of the locals took some kind of interest in him. Granted this local may very well kill him. Trixie remained silent for the entire walk which betrayed her earlier behavior. This caused Half-Wit to wonder when exactly she would decide to kill him. It was a decent sized tent out on the edge on Ponyville near the forest. As they approached the entrance Trixie turned to Half-Wit and spoke.
“Trixie wishes to apologize to you, new comer.”
Here it goes… the ‘I’m sorry that I have to kill you crap’…hopefully it’s quick. I know somewhere out there another pony is probably being tortured before they get killed by a crazy mare.
Random Everfree Shed:
“Oh Sweet Celestia please!!! No!!! No more!!!”
Fluttershy hummed along as she picked up a pot of boiling tea water. Prince Blueblood shook terribly in the chair he was tied to. The yellow Pegasus spoke softly.
“Do you know why no pony in Ponyville eats meat? No? Oh my goodness! I’ll tell you then. I love my precious little critters like they were my own foals. You can only imagine how I would feel if some pony decided to consider boiled cockatrice a delicacy.”
Blueblood’s eyes watched as she carefully poured herself a cup of tea.
“P-p-please whatever you want I shall have arranged… just let me go and no pony will ever speak of today I- I swear it.”
Fluttershy smiled as she looked over at him.
“You silly head. No pony ever speaks after they visit my shed. Would you like some tea? No? Oh but I insist.”
She whistled gently and two large bears entered the room.
“Lady Fluttershy w-what? What are they- please oh for the sweet flanks of my auntie please spare me!!!”
The bears violently grabbed Blueblood and held his head up and his jaw open. Fluttershy gracefully hovered over him with the steaming pot of tea.
“Piping hot tea is a royal delicacy, Prince Blueblood. This is the blend I let Princess Celestia have every time she visits. Here…”
She poured the bubbling tea into Bluebloods open mouth. The scorching liquid filled his throat and burned his face.
“…try some.”
“Trixie truly meant you no harm. This may confuse you but… Trixie is working for others. Others who have promised to give her another chance. Trixie would have never destroyed you. It is understandable if you wish to not forgive Trixie…”
With her head hung low she opened the tent and motioned him to go in. Half-Wit still thought he was going to die but seeing the mare so down all of a sudden made him sad. He placed a hoof on her shoulder and she looked up at him.
“Don’t sweat it lady. I’m used to this kind of stuff. So long as this tent isn’t full of mares that spend the whole night flirting with you then conveniently reveal that they are actually not-“
“Are you saying you will forgive Trixie then?”
“Considering that another mare blew up a cloud and crash landed on me the second I walked in to town… I’d say there’s nothing to forgive. Like I said don’t sweat it.”
She smiled and led him in. Instead of mares that turned out not to be mares Half-Wit was greeted by real mares. In fact there were eight mares not including Trixie. Half-Wit immediately became nervous as to why he was alone with nine mares in a tent. Mares.
“Look… uh I don’t know what is about to happen but let me just say that if any of you have anything you want to tell me… do it now. Anything at all just let me know. I’m a decent and understanding stallion. But you know… if any of you have something you are hiding. You know like a long, thick, and hard past… for the love of Celestia tell me.”
The ponies stared at him like he was crazy. Half-Wit continued and noticed the cyan pegasus that laughed at him when he told her his name.
“I’m not crazy I just don’t want another experience like Manehattan…”
Applejack was the first to speak and totally disregarded his comments.
“M’kay then... So listen here Sugar. We are gonna introduce you to Ponyville properly. We had to meet you out here because we’ve got a propostion for ya’ if you’re willin’ to hear us out.”
Won’t lie… I’m liking this mare’s accent. Always liked country mares… It’s smooth like molasses but also articulate you know? Maybe it’s too smooth though… maybe she is hiding something… something that is not smooth like molasses. Maybe she is hiding something…big.
Half-Wit sat to show them he was willing to listen, despite his concern about their possibly long and hard secrets. It was then when Twilight Sparkle spoke.
“Hello there, Half-Wit…
Rainbow began to snicker in the corner but was punched in the wing by Rarity who mumbled something about being uncouth.
“…My name is Twilight Sparkle.”
“Oh yeah you’re the new princess. You’re a lot smaller than the other princesses. They are more like the large blue alicorn to you left. Oh…”
Twilight smiled and continued.
“Yeah I’m shorter than them but let’s see any of those princesses beat me at trivia.”
Luna snorted and spoke to the other ponies
“No one can be Twilight at trivia…because only Twilight enjoys trivia… E g g h e a d…”
Twilight rolled her eyes.
“ANYHOW…I am Twilight. Starting from the left you will see Applejack, Rarity, Rainbow Dash, Pinkie Pie, Octavia, Vinyl Scratch, Princess Luna, and then myself. Behind you is Trixie. Luna was bored so we had her fill in for Fluttershy who apparently thought tea time with her little critters was more important than securing the safety of this town. To be honest that excuse is getting old… I love her to death but she is probably being a lazy bitch right now…”
The other mares turned to look at Twilight with shocked expressions. She merely shrugged.
“Oh don’t even! You all know it just as well as me! She skipped trivia night because her rabbit was hungry. Really? Angel Bunny can kick most ponies asses. All she has to do is spank his stuck up fluffly little tail and teach him how to get his own sh-“
Luna could barely hold her laugher.
“Or perhaps… Fluttershy did not wish to attend the trivia night… which is understandable… NO ONE ATTENDS TRIVIA NIGHT!!!!”
Luna banged her hoof down as she laughed uncontrollably. Twilight rolled her eyes and smacked the Lunar princess with her wing.
“Whatever Miss WE this and WE that. I’m surprised you even own an Xbox. I thought for sure you would go for the Wii so you could satisfy you weeness!”
Luna fell over and continued to laugh. She managed to raise a shaky hoof at Twilight. Her speech came through bits of giggles.
“She- She is concerned with how we satisfy our WEENESS!!! TWILGHT HAS A CONCERN FOR MY WEENESS!!!”
The other mares all began to laugh too while Half-Wit became nervous.
Oh no… This is it isn’t it? Manehatten wasn’t just a one time nightmare… first it’s talk of Weenesses and then bam out comes the pe-
Twilight yelled over the laughing mares.
“ANY-BUCKING-HOW! As I was trying to say before Moonplot over here interrupted. We have brought you here because we believe you are the answer to a problem that has plagued this town for some time: Ditzy ‘Derpy’ Doo.”
Suddenly Twilight’s words became of little concern. Half-Wit had noticed Luna’s mane. As she rolled around and giggled it caught his eye.
Luna’s mane is unbelievable.
Twilight, of course, ever the airbag continued.
“Dizty is a friendly and kind heart pony but she unfortunately is a major klutz…or she has terrible luck.”
Do all alicorns get manes like that? I just want to play with it. It looks soooooo soft….
…and she continued.
“When we saw her crash into you something clicked. She seemed different. Her speech changed and well you didn’t die. Somehow she landed perfectly in you hooves with out causing injury to either one of you. Normally I would ignore this kind of thing because, well magic…but at her velocity…you two should have been crushed and yet…”
I wonder if she will let me smell it. It looks like it would smell nice. Maybe if she won’t let me Celestia will? What happens if I tried to cut it?
…and continued.
“Long story short Half-Wit, we think that when you and Ditzy are in close proximity you somehow negate the normal chaos associated with Ditzy Doo.”
Does Luna sanitize than moisturize? Buck me she must have all kinds of soap. I wonder what conditioner she uses. She has to use one… I won’t for one second believe that mane is naturally that smooth and shiny.
…and continued.
“So our goal is to ship you two faster than Luna could go to the moon.”
Finally.
You do realize that you write what she-
Luna turned to Twilight with a calm yet annoyed look. She was about to remind Twilight that she could tell others about her dream. The dream which included all the elements and a large gold cane. The lunar princess smirked as she spoke to Half-Wit while looking at Twilight.
“Yes little pony. Faster than I can travel to the moon… or faster than Twilight can use a cane.”
Twilight blushed and Half-Wit was thoroughly confused. He furrowed his brows and thought about the few words he heard.
New town and they are already trying to pimp me out. First it’s Ditzy then it’s the whole bucking town. Wait a cane? Canes are long. Canes are hard. Canes are smooth. What if canes is a code word. Buck this not again.
He turned around and began to exit the tent. The mares moved alarmingly fast. Soon Half-Wit found himself surround by them.
Here it is. My angry pimps. Damn it. Couldn’t just stay at the train station could you Half-Wit?
Luna stood before him with her enchanting mane. Its perfection flowed with the wind and caught his eye.
Much Perfect. So Luna. Wow.
Luna towered over him and spoke softly yet he couldn’t help but feel she was carrying an underlying tone of anger in her voice.
“Where do you think you are going Half-Wit? I have yet to get to know you. Surely you do not plan on leaving a princess before being dismissed? Stay.”
“Stay? For what? For you and these other mares to finally be honest and reveal that you are all secretly stallions! Not again! I don’t give a buck who you are, how strong you are, or what your name is! I will not relive Manehattan again! I will not be put back in that hotel room and tied to the fold out couch with the dead bugs in it. NO! So get the buck out my way and find some new pony to pimp!”
Every mare was silent and wide eyed. Rarity approached him cautiously and whimpered. She looked as if she had just been emotionally broken. Half-Wit carefully watched her.
“S-s-so are you saying… t-that I… I… I look like a stallion? That I don’t look like a mare?”
She fell back on to a red couch because magic. Her body shacked violently as she began to sob out loud. Octavia pushed Half-Wit and stared him down.
“How dare you, you… uncouth, self righteous, ignorant, vile, excuse for a stallion! Look at what your cruel actions have reaped. Are you happy now? Knowing that you can make gentle and kind mares cry and feel visually hideous? I should teach you a thing or two Half-Wit. I may not appear like much but I’m sure if I shove my cello up your… up your… buck it… up your ass you would think twice before acting in such a manner again.”
Shoving. Ass. AAAAAAAAAAAnnnnnnnnnnddddddd I’m out.
Half-Wit pushed past Luna and galloped as hard as his legs would allow him to.
“Buck you all! There will be no shoving of anything up this stallions ass! Do you hear me Equestria!? You can give me all the bad luck in the world but nothing, nopony, and no object will be shoved in this a-“
The group of mares watched as the new stallion ran into the Everfree forest. Applejack shook her head and spoke.
“Poor fella… thinks he’s going back to town…”
Luna held a puzzled look and muttered.
“This stallion clearly has a problem. Whatever happened in Manehattan changed his view on our gender. If we are indeed to ship this stallion as Fedex would, we must seek out his history and use it against him.”
The Everfree Forest:
Half-Wit was heading back into town. Well he thought he was. As he continued to gallop deeper into the forest the plant life grew thicker. Soon he was galloping through vines and branches. Some of them scraped at his side but he didn’t care.
Not this stallion. Not today. Not ever.
His hoof stubbed straight into a tree root which made him trip. He fell face first into dirt. For a brief moment he was staring at the base of a tree about 4 feet away from him. His eyes closed in response to the pain he felt. His hoof hurt.
No bucking kidding you jackhole!
The thumping sound of an object hitting the forest floor next to him caused his eyes to open. The disfigured body of a unicorn was a mere foot away from his face. Half-Wit immediately tried to pushaway from the body but he push back against something large and furry. With a big gulp he looked up and noticed a bear.
Bears. Two bucking bears…
The large animals glared down at him and snarled. The very sight of their teeth caused him to tremble. While he was scared of the physical pain he was about to endure Half-Wit mentally shrugged. Strangely enough this was not the first time he had a dead body land next to him in a forest right next to bears.
Don't ask. Not to mention, I’ll take bears overs Manehattan…
The bear closest to him raised up a large paw and was ready to swipe. The softest and gentlest of noises however stopped him.
“Oh my goodness! Are you ok?”
A yellow Pegasus landed next to Half-Wit and helped him up. She turned and gave the bears a look that forced them to retreat back into the forest. Half-Wit exhaled with relief.
“I don’t know what you did to those two but thanks.”
“Oh don’t mention it. I’m terribly sorry they acted like that. Cuddle Foot and Fluffy are nice bears but sometimes they forget their manners. Please don’t tell anypony. I-I- don’t know what I would do if anything happened to them.”
She looked so scared for the fate of the large and viscous bears. Half-Wit noticed her eyes shift over the body that was behind him. He turned to see Blueblood mangled and burned.
“Poor fella. He probably ran into the forest like I did thinking he was going back to town. I always said there was some pony with worse luck than me. Guess I was right.”
Fluttershy tilted her head and looked at him with pity.
“Why would you say you have bad luck? You seem like a nice pony…if you don’t mind me saying…”
Half-Wit smiled and let out a sigh.
“Well ever since I was born I have had crap. You name it and I have been through it. Getting bullied, falling down stairs, getting poison ivy at the doctor’s office from some pony else who has poison ivy, food poisoning, mugged, beat up, slipping into dragon droppings…and Manehattan…”
He wiped off some dirt from his coat.
“Long story short miss… I’m bad luck. Thanks again for the help but if you could point me in the right direction I’ll get out of your mane.”
Fluttershy looked nervous. She shuffled around a bit and walked towards Half-Wit.
“Oh but… are you going to tell on my bears? I know they made a mistake but please… I can’t afford to lose any more friends…”
Buck me… I feel guilty and I didn’t even do anything.
He stretched his hind legs and back.
“Look… I won’t tell on your bears but, someony has to know about this. I can’t just leave this pony here in the dirt. So I’ll just let them know I found a body.”
For a short and almost incalculable moment he thought he saw anger flash through the mares face.
Ah she’s probably worried about her pet bears… which should make me worry I suppose…
Fluttershy sighed and then looked up with a determined smile.
“Thank you. I just get so worried about my little furry friends. They don’t have anypony to protect them but me sometimes. If you don’t mind I could take you back in town… but I have to grab my bits from my home so I can buy some supplies…”
She motioned him to follow her. Yet another mare from Ponyville leading him to their so called homes. He began to wonder if bears were the only large and furry secrets Fluttershy held. He reluctantly began to follow her. When she could hear his footsteps behind her a calm smirk appeared on her face.
“I’ll just grab a few things and then we’ll be on our way. So you never told me your name…”
“Oh sorry. My name is Half-Wit. I know… go ahead and laugh.”
“I would never laugh at such a nice pony.”
They arrived at a dark and over-grown shed. It blended so well with the forest that you wouldn’t find it unless you were looking for it. She walked up to the door and lightly tapped it with her hoof. As it eased open the hinges creaked a long and dreadful song. She spoke over her shoulder with the sweetest tone her voice could make.
“Half-Wit… would you like some tea?”
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Lol half ass editing
You can't wake me up from my nap and shove horse words in my face. I sowwy
4411901 UnACCEPTABLE!!!!
Please let this be your only attempt. I did not enjoy it. If you want to start a story out like that, that's fine: it lets me know what I'm getting into. But to suddenly have fourth wall breaking where there wasn't before was jarring and painful.
Aside from that, I did enjoy the chapter.
4413985
I'm in full agreement. It just felt really unpleasant and out of place when it was just thrown in out of nowhere. But as was said before, the rest was enjoyable.
4413985
4417639
I certainly appreciate the honest feedback. I've read over this chapter again a few times and I am now seeing where you are coming from. I threw it in to drastically and to late. Had it been the first chapter than perhaps it may have worked... no harm in giving it a shot though. Rest assured that slight edits will be made and that future chapters will not harm the forth wall. Thanks for the kind criticism!
4418434 Lol!! yes! Call him out on that shit!
Well...
Implied rape?
Fluttershy, i will get you a anger management course.
4418434 Thank you.....and i- i dont count sexual innuendos as perverting.... its not like its clop or anything... Now that, is something that I will never do... damn it... but i suppose if I do you'll be the first to repost this post as a comment.... sigh... im setting my self up for failure.....
4418786 Shush Tidal no one wants to read your shit....
4418829 LOL.... more like implied torture.... but who knows...
4418019 There certainly is no harm in trying new things! You never know how it's going to turn out unless you actually try.
4420097 i1227.photobucket.com/albums/ee440/Holy-Sparks/Pinkamena.gif
i.imgur.com/tfJ9r.jpg
I don't know, but it was hilarious.
1. That Comedy Tag definitely belongs there.
2. One of my favorite ponies is apparently some kind of murderer who uses bears and tea as her 'instruments', and the other one is nothin but bad luck... well at least you used the name Ditzy.