Spectrum vs Lixter the final battle

The story of Spectrum and Lixter
Lixter and Spectrum are void walkers humanoids that live in the void
They get transported to the pony world during one of there fights

Chapters (1)

Comments ( 22 )

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Aoui_Sempai

Aoui_Sempai #1 · Mar 25th, 2012 · · ·

Oh my, what to say about this... well it was original, well as far as I know and I do like that, the story in and of it's self was not bad, It just needs a lot of work. lets see if I can help you out a little.
1. Short even for a short story. All you really need to do to fix this is add a little more detail. adding more can be really simple, just let your hands and brain flow. Have a note pad by you so if you think of something you want to use later you can write it down.
2. Grammar, grammar and spelling. believe it or not grammar and spelling is a big part of a story. You could of made a piece to rival the hunger games, but with out at least descent spelling and grammar it's not going to get too far.
3. How you have it centered, unless that 'means' something always use left. (the default one) Center is more for poems, not storys.
4. speed of events, every things going to fast, it's almost like you think just because your "players" are on a time limit so are you. YOU have all the time you need, even if it seems like it's going to slow, just remember unless you say other wise people will thing events are moving as fast as they can. Also, I really see no point in tell the reads that 10 seconds have passed.
5. Dialog and dialog tags, when doing dialog, try to avode useing the same thing twice even if it was not used in dialog like ("A groan comes from the humanoid "Where in blue blazes am i?" the humanoid groaned") I'm not sure how other people would feel about this but I don't like it.
All and all not too bad of a story, just felt a little rushed and the ending was kind of boring. I'll hold out on giving a rating for now, but I hope that you take what I've said and work on it a little, if you do I think it could be a great story.

Steampunk Starlight

Steampunk Starlight #2 · Mar 25th, 2012 · · ·

Your format is weird, even for flash fiction. You need to reformat your sentence structure and make things easier to read. It also means you have to put extra effort into fleshing your story since you do not have the luxury of words. Where's the proper start, middle and end? As things stand of now, it makes little sense for me.

Thumbs down.

Adam Jensen

Adam Jensen #3 · Mar 25th, 2012 · · ·

A first try? Good on you.

I totally agree with Aoui_Sempai though but this was a start, keep practicing, don't get put down by the dislikes.

Every start is hard and many will dislike,I was shunned on my first attempt but if you really try and want your story to be liked, it can be achieved.

Believe in yourself, you can do it!

Satin

Satin #4 · Mar 25th, 2012 · · ·

try it again,
Break it up so it's easier to read
you need to capitalize stuff, spell check, and block it left

and I didnt even read any of it

Sir. Wastintimeinheimer VII

Sir. Wastintimeinheimer VII #5 · Mar 26th, 2012 · · ·

Whelp, upon reading about the Void Walker I started to think about a book called, "Alara Unbroken" in which the main character of the story is a, "Planeswalker" and is able to travel across the multi-verse. Now then, unto the critique!

There are a quite a few grammatical errors 'n the like, but it's alright. There was a bit of redundancy with the line:
"A groan comes from the humanoid "Where in blue blazes am i?" the humanoid groaned." May I suggest something more like, "There on the ground lay the humanoid, his sense confused as he snaps out lethargy. He spoke to himself saying, "Where in blue blazes am I!?" He began to groan in pain as he set about trying to get up." Though I realize it's more then likely a terrible example, but try to avoid redundancy. I shall read the other chapters to see how they turn out.

Oh, and by the by it's me, Brother Venture from Enjin. If you're looking for someone to proof-read your stories, I wouldn't mind doing it. Just send me a message on Enjin, and not FiMfiction.

Aoui_Sempai

Aoui_Sempai #6 · Apr 3rd, 2012 · · ·

So first of all your still forgetting to uppercase the lone "I"s. Also after commas you should put a space or it looks like a single block of text. Watch for conjunctions, like " I'm ", "My name is spectrum and I'm a Void Walker". I still plan on looking though a little more but I got to go sorry, and good luck.

drakon312