Death of a Salesman

by EveningShadows

Desert Devils

'A Horse With No Name by America' or 'Desert Devils'

---

All in all I was lucky. It didn't feel like it but its the truth. As it turns out I wasn't entirely alone in the desert. Civilization was there, I just had to get to it.

A ragged breath flowed out of my cracked throat as I looked up to see the smoke rising in the distance. Smoke means people. People means civilization. Civilization means life. "I'm not going to just die again," I said to myself, "I just have to get there."

So I walked and walked and walked. I walked for days. I walked during the evening and dawn to avoid the sun's great heat and the moon's chill.

I gazed longingly at the smoke. It wasn't as close as it should be. It was certainly closer, of that I had no doubt, but by now I should already be upon it. It was only when I finally collapsed onto the rough ground that I had the terrifying realization that I may have been following a mirage.

I tried to scream but it came out as all but a long, rasping gasp.

A weed tumbled passed me with the motion I needed so desperately.

It was mocking me.

-------

I don't know how long I laid on the hard dirt. It could have been minutes, hours, or days. I would float in and out of consciousness but there was nothing I could do with that gift. I struggled to stand, to move, to do anything. I couldn't even crawl. The only ability I had was to glance at the smoke. The promise of life so far away. For all I could do it may as well have been 10 feet away.

I reached my hand out to the smoke, trying to grasp what I could not have. I'm sure I would have cried if I had the water for it.

"Mr. Grayson."

No.

"It appears I've caught you at a bad time. Shall I come back?" It was that same frosted voice. I creaked my head slowly and saw that same bleach boned skeleton in its stupid cloak. "Perhaps I'll go to lunch and by the time I get back you'll be waiting in my office."

"Like hell I will," or I would have if I could speak. It came out as all but a croak.

"You've caused quite a stir Mr. Grayson." It stared at me for a moment with its disgusting sockets. "Why is it always the humans who cause the most trouble, hm?"

Its only answer was another croak. What I tried to say was, "I'm going to carve up your bones and use them as chop sticks."

"This isn't going to end well for you Mr. Grayson."

"I'm going to turn your head into a cup," I failed to say.

"I need you to come with me," the skull smiled at me through its immovable expression.

No. This was not happening. Not when I had already escaped his grasp.

The skeleton took a step towards me. "Lawyer," I tried to say, but the word wouldn't leave my lips.

Step.

"Lawyer," the word still wouldn't materialize.

Step.

"Lawyer!" I was only able to create a harsh rasp.

That horrid thing was standing right above me

I summoned up all the will I had left and expelled it from my throat, all that came out was a barely existent whisper, "Lawyer."

The skeleton looked down at me with what I'm sure would have been a vicious scowl if it had the ability to make one. Its attempt was interrupted by a pop and fizzle followed by the smell of sulfur. "Whoa, whoa, whoa! What is going on here? Are you harassing my client?" The voice came from above me, I strained to get a look at who was speaking but I couldn't turn my head enough to see the being apparently hovering directly above me. "Is this what you do with your life? Harass innocent mortals?" The voice sounded as greasy as an oil spill, it hinted at taint, vulgarity and a lust for conflict.

The strain of trying to see my new apparent defender was to much for me, I settled on looked at the skull standing over me. It was radiating malice at the creature above me, "This is just what I need. First a human, now one of you."

"Yeah, yeah reaper, just back up," said the slimy voice, "I've got to take care of my client because you are apparently to cruel to give a poor soul some help," the voice was filled with obviously fake outrage, "and to impatient to let him pass in peace. Very fitting for one of your station." The malice coming off the reaper gained new resolve as the thing bristled.

Fortunately it still stepped back.

I heard the shuffling of wings and a small, red creature filled my vision. Its leathery red face smiled at me with a sharp row of fangs. Its head was topped with curled back horns. It wore a pin striped suit and wore it well. It stood over me, a slight hunch in the shoulders, picking debris out of its claws. Although its body was pointed towards me it didn't acknowledge me, instead its entire focus was directed oh so casually on the hygiene of its claws. By far though, the imp's most striking feature was its goatish eyes. Large, abyss black rectangles surrounded by glittering gold. There was no sclera, no white at all in those eyes at all, only a field of glittering gold threatening to consume the greedy.

After flicking away whatever unpleasant thing must have been under such an unpleasant creature's claws it turned its eyes on me. Those sideways rectangles expanded slightly and immediately contracted when it snapped its fingers. A pop and fizzle followed by the wretched stench of sulfur interrupted my stare. "Here kid, drink this," it held a bottle with a curved snaking lid out to me in its clawed hand. I hesitated. "Look it ain't gonna be pleasant but it'll get ya back to health." Well trusting in the kindness of shady strangers had gotten me this far, besides how would I pay my 'lawyer' if I died before he could do anything legal?

I reached out to take his bottle, or tried, I ended up simply scraping my hand across a small piece of dirt. The imp rolled his glittering orbs when he noticed how little I could do. "Just open up," the creature said as it pried my mouth open before I had the chance to try. He shoved the opening into my mouth and upturned the glass, letting gravity do the work. I gagged and chocked on the horrid fluid but none of that mattered to the liquid. Seemly with a mind of its own it shoved its way passed my gag reflex and snaked down into my stomach. The taste was indescribably awful.

When the sloshing monster settled in my stomach I felt a chill radiating from my center. That relieving cool rejuvenated me as it expelled the ravages of the sun's angry heat. Finally I was regaining control of my body. I slowly scrapped myself off the hard ground to sit cross legged in front of the imp.

"Well it looked like that worked," the imp smirked at me. He flashed his row of sharp teeth at the reaper, "You see how easy it is to help the downtrodden?" The reaper just glared through its sockets, "After all if a demon straight out of the cruelest Hells can do it who cant?"

I coughed as I struggled to find my words, "You're from Hell?"

The imp rolled his eyes at me, "Where else are you gonna find a good lawyer?"

"I, uh..."

"The names Zenfrangatazelia, but you can call me Zen."

"I'm, uh," my words were failing me as I looked at the ludicrous creature who, for whatever reason, continued to exist, "I'm Felix... Felix Grayson."

"Good to meet you, Feely. Looks like we're going to be working together for the foreseeable future," the imp stuck his clawed hand out to me.

"Right..." I said with a voice of doubt, nonetheless I still shook his hand.

"Are you quite done?" the skeleton said to us in its chilly voice.

"Oh hold your horses," the imp chuckled to himself, "we've just got to take care of a little business and then we'll be right with you."

The reaper didn't respond.

"Business?" I asked as I climbed up onto my feet.

"Yes, business," the imp exaggerated at rolling his golden eyes at me. "As your lawyer I can protect you from any cosmic legal troubles like skull and bones over there. Unfortunately for you Hell don't come cheap and we're the only firm willing to take on your case."

This creature was going to demand my soul. I could end up in Hell anyway. I looked ever to the reaper... maybe its better than what that thing has it store for me. "Is.. Is it going to cost me my s-soul."

"Ha! You're funny! What would we need your soul for?" Zen gave himself plenty of time to laugh. "You mortal always seem to think the universe revolves around you."

Trying my best to ignore his comments I growled a question at him, "Then what do you want?"

The imp smiled with unholy fangs, "Well kid, your in Equestria, you know where that is, right? All we want is one Equestrian soul a day."

"A day! You've got to be kidding me!"

"Thems the brakes. And don't try to haggle. We could ask you for a hundred souls a day if we thought you could get us that many."

A soul each day... One poor pony would suffer for eternity for my selfishness and greed. Of course, I didn't look at it like that at the time. In fact all I looked at was the skull in robes glaring at us. I would later be disturbed at how quickly I made my decision. "I'll do it." I felt a cold pit develop in my stomach.

Zen smiled, "Excellent choice my friend," he snapped his fingers and a scroll appeared out of hovering flames. After giving it a quick glance over he handed the thing to me as well as a pen, "I just need you to sign this, all it says is that we agree to provide you with our highest quality legal protection while on this plane, for any actions taken on this plane, for any possible consequences of being on this plane, and for any of your actions resulting in your entrance to this plane in exchange for one soul of the planet Equus per day while on this plane."

I took my sweet time reading through the contract, say what you will about demons but they could offer a good product and a solid deal when they wanted to. It wasn't until Zen was thoroughly bored that I finally lifted up the pen and sealed my fate in black ink.

The imp took a long drag of the cigar he had been smoking in his boredom. "A pleasure doing business with you." He snapped his fingers and the newly signed contract in my hand burst into flames. I flinched back before I realized I felt no pain. Apparently hellfire was pretty mild.

Not a second later I heard multiple pops followed by fizzles and nearly a dozen imps in suits materialized hovering around the enraged reaper. They were all shouting legal jargon at the top of their lungs. If looks could kill I'd be far passed my second death by now. "You will pay for this human. None escape our grasp." As suddenly as that the skeleton had come it was gone as if it had never been here. The only sign that it had ever existed were the imps rapidly disappearing in clouds of sulfuric smoke.

"Well that was the most fun I've had all week."

"You're an ass, you know that Zen?"

"Sorry kid, comes with the territory. I am a lawyer after all."

I resisted the urge to facepalm, ending up releasing a tired sigh.

"Alright Lix-"

"Don't call me that."

"-I've got some gifts for you"

I looked at the imp with a raised eyebrow. He hovered on his small bat wings, uncomfortable close to my face. He held out his clawed hand. Slowly, I reached out to grab the small object he was holding.

It was a cracker.

"... Uh... Thanks?"

Zen rolled his eyes. It was quickly becoming an annoying habit. "Flip the damned thing over."

I did as he told me and saw lettering printed into the cracker.

You're the Lucky Winner!
You've won a life time supply of rejuvenation potions!
Specially blended for men's health
Non-addictive to humans

"Non-addictive to humans?" I was skeptical and confused. "Is that supposed to be reassuring?"

My comment was followed by gratuitous eye rolling, "You know that myth about Persephone? Well ever since that myth human wont eat anything we give them unless we print that on the food."

"Yeah those silly humans. Always distrusting demons."

"Just eat the cracker and get your stupid potions."

"Why would a life time supply of anything be delivered in cracker form?"

"Eat the stupid cracker, I got more shit to give you!"

I glared at the imp for a solid three seconds before eating the hell cracker.

It tasted salty and bland, like a regular cracker.

"So how exactly is my life time supply of rejuvenation potions going to be delivered to me through cracker form?"

Zen muttered something about sass and humans, "All you need to do is say 'rejuvenation potion' and snap your fingers."

I did as he said. There was a fwooh as a flash of orange flames appeared above my hand. A glass bottle was revealed as the flames receded. After a moment of hovering gravity caught it. It bounced off my still in post snap position hand and shattered on the desert floor.

I heard a loud groan. Zen had both of his palms pressing against his eyes. "You've got to catch the damn things!"

"... I realize that."

"Bloody idiot humans."

"Fucking red midgets."

The imp flew close to my face, "What did you say to me?!" he yelled.

I glowered at him evenly, "You heard me."

Zen backed off but maintained a glare, "I've got your next gift." After retrieving another wafer with a fiery snap he held it out to me.

I ignored his glare and read the new snack.

Soul contract, version- contractor zeta8651, delivery system

I read it again. "This doesn't say non-addictive to humans."

"So?"

"So I'm not eating it."

"Bloody humans," the imp muttered before getting me a new wafer.

Soul contract, version- contractor zeta8651, delivery system
Non-addictive to humans

Satisfied with the new 'gift' I ate it, "So whats this one do?"

"Just snap your fingers this time, no words necessary."

*Snap*

The fwoosh quickly dissipated to reveal a scroll much like the one I just signed. I unraveled it to read more legal mumbo jumbo.

"This is the contract you'll be using to get your souls." That pit in my stomach reasserted itself in my attention. "Just have them write what their trading their soul for here," Zen pointed to a box at the bottom of the page, "Then they just sign here," the imp pointed to a line, "And voila! You got yourself a soul."

"Really? Just like that? No sacrificial goats? No virgin blood?"

Zen rolled his glittering eyes at me, "After you send it off to Hell it'll go through processing. If the wish is too ridiculous we'll send an imp to renegotiate, if the terms are acceptable to us we'll send an imp to extract the soul in their sleep. Totally harmless."

"So I'm like a genie then?"

"Yeah kid, you keep thinking of it like that. Anyway then that imp will deposit the soul in your account at the Goldman Sachs branch in Hell-"

"Wait, wait, Goldman Sachs operates in Hell?"

"Ya kid, duh, why do you think they got that bail out."

"I... uh..."

"In fact where do you think central banks like the Federal Reserve came from?"

"Uh..."

"The damn thing keeps its share holders information private. Who do you think owns it?"

"... The worst part of this is how much sense your making."

"Yup, it ain't from Jekyll Island that's for sure."

"Right... Can I actually get a different bank?"

"Haha, smart kid. Yeah I'll set you up at Mammon Investments, very respected institution."

"I have a bank account in Hell," I muttered to myself.

"Now just roll up that scroll and snap your fingers to send it off to processing."

"Don't I have to get it signed first?"

More eye rolling, "Don't ya trust me yet?"

I looked blankly at the demon hovering in front of me, "No. No I really don't."

"Just send the damned thing!"

"Fine."

*Snap*

*Fwoosh*

"Good. Now some free advice, don't send off to many blank contracts-"

"But you just-"

"Because Delarector the Devourer of Innocents runs The Department of Independent Contractors and he gets really angry when too many blank scrolls get sent his way." I glared at the imp, "And when he gets angry he gets hungry."

"You see Zen, this is why I don't trust you."

"Yeah, yeah. Anyway I'm a busy imp and I've already spend enough time on you. There's a little frontier town over there, Appaloosa I think. That's your best bet on your first batch of souls. Good luck!"

"Yeah... Thanks..."

*Pop*

*Fizzle*

I looked at the rising smoke in the distance and felt cold under the desert sun.

Author's Note:

I'd like to take a moment to apologize to lawyers in general. The lawyer hate just gets easy when you get into this sort of territory... expect more to come.
I'm not apologizing to bankers.