Night Mares
Princess Luna cast a worried glance to Princess Celestia. The two stood awestruck before a plethora of sketches, schematics and magical equations that covered an entire wall of Princess Twilight’s large study. The only wall, in fact, that was not otherwise haphazardly packed from floor to ceiling with shelves of books.
The lavender alicorn had been busy.
Outside of the office, Twilight’s vast arcane laboratory nested within the depths of Mount Canterlot went about its business. Which, as far as Princess Luna was concerned, meant advancing technology at a disturbingly rapid pace.
Were it up to her, this facility wouldn’t even have to exist. When ponies went to war in times of old it was on equal terms – an ordeal as honorable as it was horrifying. The conflict that Equestria had now endured for nearly six months, however, was still very foreign to her.
Gone were the rudimentary firetubes and spears employed by neat columns of marching ponies. The modern enemy attacked with weapons and tactics that far outclassed the Equestrian Guard’s, striking without warning or regard. Although Equestria was now finally in a position to properly retaliate the princess found herself apprehensive in fully embracing Twilight Sparkle’s proposal. She exhaled and shifted in her armor to stand a little taller. That would not do. The opportunity to level the playing field was at hoof, and if these... enhancements were the way to take advantage of it, then so be it.
“Five squads of three will be allocated to both you and Cadance, Princess.” Twilight Sparkle closed her briefing.
Luna looked to her. “How soon will the squads be ready?”
“Two weeks.”
Luna nodded, careful not to show her astonishment that these assets had been developed with such swiftness. The Solar, Crystal and Lunar guard had sustained catastrophic casualties to buy precious time for these laboratories to develop a response to the enemy. Modern firetubes – rather, guns according to Twilight – were now in mass production alongside steel tracked machines that rumbled toward the front as they spoke. The guard had all but been replaced by now with volunteers and draftees. The true war was at hoof, and she needed to be strong if Equestria was to stand a fighting chance.
“I know you are unsure, Luna,” Princess Celestia muttered, “but this enemy spell matrix must be dealt with as soon as possible.”
“She’s right.” Twilight affirmed. “The very air is the enemy’s tool, and if we can’t figure out how they’re doing it then the least we can do is prevent its further use. As long as the enemy can communicate instantly, we cannot hope to mount a successful offensive.”
Luna sighed, then finally put voice to her concerns.
“We do not doubt your intelligence, Twilight Sparkle, but We would inquire how even you were able to revolutionize the Equestrian arsenal with haste such as this.”
Twilight’s eyes flicked to Celestia for a moment before returning to Luna.
“We possess a certain, erm, correspondent with another species that is exceptionally well versed in warfare." She explained. "In fact, they’ve been perfecting it since their time began.”
Princess Luna’s eyes went to the ground in contemplation. Nothing in the known world could possess technology of this caliber – not even their attackers.
The known world…
She slowly brought her eyes to level on Twilight.
“Sunset Shimmer.”
Twilight nodded. “Without her help this war would have ended months ago.”
Luna narrowed her eyes and spoke low. “Then this technology – these tactics – they are not of this realm?”
Twilight, though taken aback at Luna’s sudden shift in disposition, retained her composure. “No,” she replied with an edge to her voice, “but without them, Equestria will fall.”
The princess of the night opened her mouth as if to reply, but did not speak as she accepted the cold fact that without these laboratories the war was, indeed, as good as lost. She looked again to the schematics on the wall and nodded in understanding.
“Very well. If you and my sister believe it best that our little ponies wage war such as this then you have my blessing.” She bowed her head to Twilight and turned to Celestia. “I must return to the front. I bid thee good fortune, my sister and Twilight Sparkle.”
“And to you, Luna.” Celestia replied.
“Princess.” Twilight bowed her head.
The door to the office shut and Luna began the journey with her guard to the surface. Princess Celestia looked once more to the wall and lightly shuddered. These laboratories had given them a great opportunity, but she also had reservations. She trusted Twilight, however, and if the former element of magic thought that this was the best course of action then she would back her the whole while.
“May I see them?” Celestia asked her fellow princess.
“The subjects? I suppose. They’re not awake yet, but you may see the current operations.”
--
The alicorns made their way across catwalks that hung above the brightly-lit facility. The floor below was alive with scientists and magicians in white coats striving to find the perfect balance between efficiency, deadliness and physical limitations. Celestia thought she caught sight of a severed hoof for a moment, but as she turned her head to take a better look it was lost to the organized chaos of the laboratory.
A particularly sharp *CRACK* jolted her and sent a small tremor through the metal platform. None of the other ponies, not even Twilight, seemed fazed as the sound echoed into the nether. If anything, she looked rather pleased as she gestured toward a long stretch of empty laboratory space.
“That’s the firing range.” She explained. “Where the weapons testing occurs.”
Princess Celestia knew that firearms were loud, but that test brought a new definition to the word entirely. She could only guess what that weapon would do to the poor pony on the receiving end. Twilight led her down a flight of stairs to a large metal door labeled in block lettering simply as ‘02’. To the left and right were similar doors spaced at large intervals counting to ‘05’. With a clearance spell Twilight set the door ajar and they proceeded inside a sub-facility that, in great contrast to the bright space outside, was dimly lit by red lights embedded within a low ceiling. The heavy door shut behind the princesses and with it the outside noise ceased. In here the ponies wore the same white coats but talked in hushed tones – barely above a mutter.
“Please keep your voice down, princess.” Twilight whispered. “The technology in here is fragile and the ponies working on it must remain focused. Follow me.”
She led the way down a hallway featuring glass on either wall that allowed viewers to observe the projects therein. Celestia looked to her left and quite clearly beheld a severed yellow hoof – hopefully not real – suspended by a number of cables. The ponies inside were looking over a schematic detailing the way by which artificial fingers could be implanted.
She remembered that from Twilight’s briefing earlier in the study. To actually see the schematics becoming reality, however, sent a cold shiver through her spine. The next room had no scientists inside but instead held a great array of weapons on large racks. While traditional firearms were designed to be fired with hooves, the firing mechanisms on these rifles were petite – much too small for even the tiniest of hooves. The princess thought back to the hoof schematics and then to the testing range.
Twilight Sparkle stopped at the end of the hallway, casting a spell toward the grey wall. When the princess stopped beside her the wall ascended to reveal a large window overlooking a cylindrical white room. A powerful light focused on an operating table where a half dozen scientists operated on a yellow earth pony mare with an apple-red mane.
Her hind legs below the knee were gone – replaced instead with a metal framework and an abundance of wires. The patient’s eyes were shut in sedation as the mask over her muzzle kept her aloof to what was happening to her body. The mare’s left forehoof was also absent, and Celestia recalled with a terrible bout of queasiness that the hoof further back in the hallway was the same shade of yellow as her coat.
“This war must be won, Princess.”
.
.
.
But will it be a pony that emerges from the ashes?
this is outstanding looking forward to more!!!
Well, this truly has potential, and I'm looking forward to more chapters ^^
It looks good. Sorry I never truly finished my job of editing.
Well this gots my attention
Interesting....
That cover art looks amazing
4269698 Thanks a lot! You'll get it soon ;)
4269733 I'm so glad you think so :)
4269814 Don't sweat it! You helped immensely :D
4271402 Good to know - thanks for the like :)
4271882 lol, it's certainly out there :P
4273214 Thank you very much :)
Just as a tip, you can reply to multiple people at once. Just copy and paste the set of 223438 or whatever the random set of numbers are into one big post. Or you can reply individually. Doesn't matter.
This is a fairly well written peace for your first story. I think you'll do wonderfully in the writing realm. You've already got a good mind for detail with your artistic skills, and I know fully well that comes outstandingly handy in writing actual literature. You're not entering another realm of art where you paint the picture with words and make it move with feelings and action. Your style is as important to you as it is your skill. I look forward to following this great tale and eagerly await the technologies you reveal throughout this war. Magic and science alike I look forward to seeing how Twilight brings them together. Perhaps they'll even figure out some fast, or faster, communication methods as well? ;)
A bit of critique though. Your tense is sometimes a little hard to keep up with. I can see you're aiming for a present tense, but this is one of the tougher tenses to master. Often times writers will stick with the past tense as their dominate tense. You mix a little bit of that in there and it does help some, but I can say that it feels off in my opinion in reading your present tense. Perhaps that's my sleep deprived biased opinion, but all the same still worth going over and double checking when proof reading it. (Then again, it might be because you twitched from third to first person and changed the tense a little bit as well.)
Again, this is a great story and you've got a huge potential here. I'm looking forward to an epic and don't plan on being disappointed. In estimate how often do you believe you'll be updating? Not important, just curious. :)
Quaver Ava
4273993 Thanks a lot, and you actually hit the nail on the head, lol. It was originally in the past tense, but then I thought everyone does that, so I tried to put it in the present to mix things up. I very much apologize that it's hard to read. :( Thanks a lot for letting me know, however! Do you mind the past tense? It's not an over saturated tense, is it? If I'm not any good with the present then I suppose I ought to switch anyway :P As far as updates go its a little hard to tell at the moment, but I want to shoot for a bi-weekly submission plan. We'll see, though.
4274425 There is a reason as to why it's used to often. The past tense in a tale is sort of a standard. (for example, when someone is telling you a story about themselves.) It's the most accepted tense out there that readers can relate to and are used too. When presented something different in actually reading, like different grammar or something, it often appears as a big flag for many. (Good or bad.) Now, that doesn't mean present tense is bad, but it's something that I believe takes a little more time and careful consideration in implementing. It's perhaps the better tense to go with if you're looking for action. Which in this tale I'd imagine there's gonna be quite a bit. So please stick with your tense choice, confidence is key in writing. But be aware that you've chosen the harder road to follow.
Often more than not the higher and more gravely trek will lead to the better prize. The decision is all yours and whatever route you choose I know you'll do great.
Quaver Ava
Liking it so far, keep up the good work.
Saw the art, Now reading the book Looking forward to future updates. I have high hopes for this story keep it man. Great job :)
Dude, this is awesome!
First off, this is frikin' amazing, liked and favorited for the premise alone, and now I can't wait for more.
Did spot one problem though.
it should be in square brackets: guns
Other than that, it's going a little too fast for my tastes, but it's still well worth a read.
4276383 Thanks a lot! Chapter one'll be along within the week.
4348682 I'm glad you think so! Thanks :)
4389601 Thanks for the catch, lol. Can't believe we didn't see that :P I'm glad you like it, although I'm not sure how to slow it down(?)
4389825
It's not a big thing the pacing, I just would have liked to see AB and the others getting trained with using the implants for a bit, rather than just skipping forward, but that's just me. I enjoy long reads.
Just want you to know:
I made this fimfiction accout soley so I could make sure to read updates to this story.
Loved this idea on devart, and I love it here too!
Can't wait for more!
And they didn't ask Sunset Shimmer what the fuck a radio was... why?
You'd think the topic would come up in the middle of the intense justification Twilight must have given Sunset Shimmer in exchange for these unethical technologies?
Also, a mission to "destroy a radio." I am laughing my fucking ass off. "Princess Luna, the target is acquired. The device is deceptively small, about the size of a foreleg's cannon. Advisement?"
"We have locked on to your location, Lunar One. Exfiltrate the area immediately, we are nuking from orbit."
And then and then a soldier catches Lunar One leaving, and she has a fucking heart attack when he pulls out another one.
How the hell can they describe how radio works, and yet not know how to use it? Wait, and both antagonists are ponies? Were they completely isolated from Equestria before the war? The sheer levels of schizo tech going on are mindboggling.
Agreed with some of the above. Concept is nice, yet the human world has phones, yet can't figure out what a communication device might look like?
and weren't they going to take a look at the device?
Next weapon advancement they need: suppressors.
"Within minutes the loud cover is unbroken and we arewalking blind."
I believe that's walking blind.
I hate being a grammar nazi
This is interesting. I wish you luck with it. Liked and faved.
Very good, and as a veteran I can say this is a very good discription of what war feels like. Look forward to more
Wow, I am genuinely very impressed! For your first fanfic, this is phenomenal! I know experienced writers who will produce something like this maybe one in every five times, so a strong congratulations from the bottom of my heart.
This story has excellent pacing. It does a brilliant job at building atmosphere and it portrays war in a very surreal, almost eerie kind of way that really strikes a chord with me. Personally, I love it when someone tries something new; first person perspective is not an easy skill to master and you've done it quite well here, so well done in that regard. The characters are done well and I can feel all the emotion that goes into it.
Honestly, this has to be well up in my top 10 fanfics of all time, probably even in my top 5. All in all, this is a superb bit of writing, well worth a like and a favourite. Don't stop writing, because you're showing outstanding potential!
Regards and best wishes with whatever you go on to do.
Not bad. I usually don't read stories that have to do with war, but I'll admit that after reading this prologue, I'm intrigued. I'll have to see how this story turns out...
One question, though... In the story there is a part where Celestia refers to Twilight as "The FORMER element of magic". Is this intentional? Has someone else taken her place in these past years? I would love an answer to this.
Also, AJ knows what you've done to her sister, and regardless of the necessity, she's not happy about it...
I like it.
Ponies definitely have the advantage in technology, what with sunset looking up human weapon schematics on the internet or something.
But seriously, they are making robotic limbs already? in six months?
*Smiles darkly* "oh, this is going to be good.
4389825 Idk if I like how this story is going and it might just be the very 1st fimfic that I put a dislike on. However I will with hold my judgement for now.
FINALLY!
I hope you remember me, cuz you'll keep me around as long as this story goes! Exams are over, and I was now able to give it a well-deserved read. It picked my interest as I thought.
Although the facility could do with some visual clarification, everything else seemed in order. I particularly liked the uneasiness from the royal sisters when their armies were being equipped with nearly a millennium-worth of technological advance in weaponry. But this brings me to a very, very important question:
How on earth does powder-based weaponry such as guns work with ponies? I mean, their hooves are awfully large to fit in a centimeter (not too sure about that) sized tiny hole? I understand with unicorns, they'd use their magic to make the gun go RATATATATA and put a bloody mess of holes in the poor victim's body But I get the feeling I'll find the answer to that in later chapters.
Just for the record, I found the Neon Genesis Evangelion OST very fitting while reading this. You're welcome.
The first I knew of this fic was the artwork for it that was featured on EQD. I've been hesitant to read it because I'm not too fond of MLP dark fics, but after running into your striking artwork again on DeviantArt I decided to give the fic a shot. Now to see whether your fic lives up to the grim, despairing and powerful atmosphere of your artwork...
You've laid down the bare bones of the premise here. We know there is a war going on, and you've given a canonically plausible justification for the presence of such advanced technology being in Equestria. The fairly graphic description of Applebloom's operation (from this and the artwork I gather she and the other CMCs are being turned into cyborgs of some kind?) appears to set the tone and themes for the fic; suffering and sacrifice.
It is clear that Luna is disapproving of Twilight's methods, something which hints at another perspective here, one of how far technology can and should be used in these situations. It does not bode well that war on the scale suggested (Twilight emphasises they would have lost months ago without Sunset Shimmer's help) appears to be entirely alien to the Princesses.
All things considered this is an interesting start. I think I shall keep this fic in mind.
This was an interesting start! and I see you're the same guy from DA who I just faved and watched recently! :D
Awesomeness! you're a good writer man, and your art rules~!
Nicely done!
Man, this sort of thing more then once has gone through my head when making ordinary soldiers into MEC troopers in the game XCom Enemy Within. Same sort of dynamic: slice away the limbs to make a soldier more than human.
A very good start, and you've already blown away my expectations by using Sunset Shimmer as a war asset.
So instead of redesigning the weapons so they work with hooves they redesign their own hooves so they work with the weapons? Does that sound like it makes sense to you?
Finally getting around to reading this and it seems better than a lot of people's firsts I have seen. The pacing is not too fast; as long as this chapter is, it is good that it stays in one general location. Nothing in the grammar or spelling hung me up (so far) and the premise is interesting. There were some phrases here and there that tripped me up; one example being: "shiver ran through her veins". It is usually a spine shivers run through and veins go cold.
Octavia Harmony, I have seen that name around a bit. Seems like a pretty chill person.
If this enemy has a Radio, then how will destroying "1" Radio affect them? they should have hundreds of them.
For your first fabric, THIS IS AWESOME!!!!!
>First fanfic
Jesus Christ, I thought I had eat least an OK first impression. Goodbye self-esteem and pride.
6567132 I mean, think about it: Hooves in the show are just big cylinders. To have even a stable grip on the gun, you'd need rings attached to it. And if a hoof is too large/small, they would need to be adjustable. But you don't have fingers, how do you adjust it? What if the fore "ring" was too far forward or back? Also, you can't hold the gun in a resting position because either the hooves are inserted in a certain way or they aren't gripping the gat at all. How would they pull the trigger? I mean, sure there could easily be a trigger in one of the rings but that's extremely unsafe because the hoof would always be on the trigger, which violates rule 1 of gun safety. And what would the safety even look like? All of the modifications needed to make a gun work for hooves would render the gun cumbersome and undoubtedly, extremely unwieldy, cluttered, and impractical. Finger-like modifications for hooves are much more ergonomically sound. One would think it would cost tons in nerve research but the fic states technology is advancing at light speed, I think they have it under control.
7905344 Took me 2 seconds to think of a solution, modify the trigger to rise your hoof and its to the side, and make a safety so when not held with two hooves it doesn't fire, an automatically resetting safety if your hoof is off it due to spring or such.
A freind reccomended this story and, I gotta say, I am pleasantly surprised by its impressiveness.
First impression, ponies obtained military grade weapons and cybernetic implants but not even basic civilian wireless tech from sunset... What? I mean how are guns, combat vehicles and literally biomechanical interfaces more accessible than a walkie talkie analog? Why can they not figure out if you hold a signal wire near another signal wire with a high enough output on the same frequency that the signal will actually interfere and overlap the other signal? Was this plot hole not glaringly obvious?
7905344
FoE kinda already figured this one out. Battle saddles and mouth grips. No hooves required.
Even if you're set on using hooves, wrist/forearm mounted brace weapons that require a clench and twist of the hoof to fire would be easier than literally opening up a whole new field of biomechanical research and cost less. For long barrel weapons, have the back mounted to an articulated shoulder mount and fire it like an RPG style weapon. This allows more ready access to the weapon though it would be at higher risk of getting a barrel full of dirt. Maybe if they just literally retrofitted an AK-47 onto an arm/shoulder mount. Seen those literally fire with the barrel full of mud and debris.
Again though, battle saddles and mouth grips are even easier to design.
8929995
Haven't read FoE, but I've always wondered how accurate such mountings would be, not to mention reloading/clearing jams quickly. You'd really have to redesign the weapons from the ground up ergonomically, and since they're pulling the tech straight from Earth that could be why they're opting for biomechanics instead.