Speckled Dreams.

Speckle is a farm filly with a growing problem and a troubled past, far from home with no one to turn to in her times of need she tries to put her past behind her and find a new home before it is to late. But will her new home be all that she hoped and will she be able to ever truly leave her past behind.

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Lord-Commander

Lord-Commander #1 · May 3rd, 2014 · · ·

Hello. I saw your post in the "Authors Helping Authors" group, and wanted to check your story out.

Overview: So I think you have an interesting idea here. But I do see areas that need some work, and do speak of your first time being a writer. Which is great that you've decided to step forward and do this, it really takes something special in someone to go out there and put their stuff in the public spotlight. But back to your story, I found it to be enjoyable when I shut the grammar nazi in my head off. As I said, you have an excellent idea here. I find the present tense writing to be... odd, and I favor writing in a past tense. First person stories escape me, again I favor the opposite and enjoy third person fics. these are personal style preferences though. It does seem like more of these stories are popping up and becoming popular. I don't know if its because they are easier to write or if its a fad.

Improvements: So the things that I saw that could use work on, was:
Spelling/grammar - There are some mistakes that need apostrophes, others that needed commas, and a few missed words.
Word Choice - A somewhat touchy and personal differentiating subject, but I feel that the use of some words could have been opted out in favor of other words to give a better meaning and understanding of the situation and emotions.
Story flow - There were some things that I felt clogged the story a bit and could have been introduced better. An example this time because I realize that I keep forgetting to give one, would be Speckle's description of herself and the intro in general. Needed, sort of debatable, but I felt like the character description could have been weaved into the story better.

It clogged itself a few times in the story, some things were unnecessary to explain, others could have been positioned differently.

Congrads on nailing: You did do a good job on it, and don't forget it!

I loved how you didn't throw all your cards up at once, but you left a good hook here for readers. First I was reading, going "k, why is she in a bush" then it was "She's pregnant? - How?" then a "Ohhh...", and finally leaving me curious to what will happen to Speckles and her unborn foal. So I feel like you did great with keeping interest in the story and fair with the pacing.

Right now, there is very little for me to press on as the story is just beginning. So I can't really congratulate you for keeping characters in character, or avoiding Mary Sues, or the like since I haven't seen much of this story aside from this chapter.

riderplous