“Okay, I think that’s it. You can ask the questions now, but don’t bother if it relates to who I am as a person.”
“Great!” “Did she just squee? Should I be worried?” Her horn glows, and a notebook and pencil, also glowing, float over. “That must be the magic she was talking about.” “Okay, where are you from?”
“Earth.”
“What’s earth?”
“A planet.”
“What’s a planet?” Her tone is starting to sound skeptical
“A big hunk of something, whether it be gas or rock, in space.”
“Space?”
“You know, what’s above the sky.” She has a look of disbelief, and slight bewilderment. I could tell that she was starting to wonder if I’m crazy “Got to turn this around, and I know just the way” “Or maybe that’s just the concussion talking.”
“Possibly.” “That was close, Equestria must not be that advanced. Or maybe it is the concussion talking…nah.”
“Moving on, could you tell me what you are?”
“As a species? Genus homo species sapiens or, as we call ourselves, humans.”
“What are humans like?”
“Height wise, human males range from five feet six inches to six feet two inches, on average anyway. Human females range from five feet two inches to about five feet eight inches. In terms of weight, a typical human male of average height weighs about two hundred pounds, I can’t recall the average for females though. I don’t know how we are emotionally or how we treat others.” “I don’t think I should tell her how many wars have been started, how many lives have been lost. I won’t tell her outright, but if she asks me. I’ll tell her to be prepared for the horrible things humans are capable of.”
“Are there any different races of humans? Michael?”
“What? Sorry I was lost in thought.”
“Are there multiple races of humans?
“Not in the way you would think of, races for humans mean skin color, which ranges from white, like me, to black.”
“Can humans use magic?”
“No, we get by through making machines to do tasks that are impossible for us to do on our own. That’s enough for now Twilight, I want to get some clothes.”
“Fine, but we’re finishing this later, you can get clothes at the boutique.” “Yay, more walking.”
{Halfway to the boutique}
“SOLDIER, ATTENTION!” When I hear a tomboyish voice exclaim this I stop moving, I put my heels together, my head points straight ahead, my eyes focus on nothing, my arms are at my side. As if on instinct. “What?” “LEFT FACE!” My right heel leaves the ground while my left toes do the same. Then I pivot, ending up facing ninety degrees to the left. “FORWARD, MARCH!” I march straight ahead. “SOLDIER, IN CADENCE!”
“IN CADENCE, LEFT, LEFT, LEFT RIGHT, RIGHT LEFT, LEFT, LEFT, LEFT RIGHT.” My feet were matching my voice, whenever I said left, my left foot strikes the ground “What the hell is happening? Why do I not have control of my own body?”
“SOLDIER, HALT” I take one additional step, then I snap back to attention. “FALL, OUT”
“THANK YOU MAM.” I then regain control of my body, I look around for the apparent drill instructor, but am surprised to see that the only ponies around are the ones staring at me, Twilight included. I look for a few more seconds until I remember the third race of ponies “God damn third dimension”. I look up and see a light blue pony with a rainbow mane. “And you would be?”
“The one and only Rainbow Dash, the fastest flier in all of Equestria.” Something tells me she has this little spiel on speed dial.
“I’ll believe it when I see it” I execute a right face and march off, my face an emotionless mask. “I guess I did have a military background”
“Michael!” Twilight ran up next to me. “What was that about?”
“Your guess is as good as mine. I need to burn some energy. The boutique is this way right?” She nods her head. “What does it look like?”
“It’s a purple building with a base the shape of a circle.”
“A building with no corners,” I look around, taking notice of the architecture. “Seems kind of like a medieval village, shouldn’t be too hard to find a building like that.” “See you there.” I then sprint off, the wind blowing my hair around. The physical exertion making me feel like nothing else. Feeling up for a challenge, I steer towards a pile of crates. I reach them and jump from one to the next, scrambling to the top. Upon reaching it I jump to the nearest roof, laughing like a madman. I then run from rooftop to rooftop, until I take a wrong step and fall through a roof. I open my eyes to see a very shocked family. “Michael Tennison, I work at the library. Come see me and I’ll either pay for it or fix it myself.” I then jump straight up, grabbing the side of the hole. I pull myself up “Sorry about that.” I say down the hole and then run off, making sure to step on support beams. I then see the boutique in the distance “Now how to get down, OH I KNOW. I run past the boutique to the end of the row of houses. “I’m probably going to regret this later, but FUCK IT I’M HIGH ON ADRENALINE!” I leap off the last house towards a river, do a back flip for shiggles, and yell at the top of my lungs “CANNONBALL!!”.
*SPLASH*
I swim to the surface, grinning like a madman.
“That was pretty cool, not as cool as me of course, but pretty cool.” I look to the sky and see a familiar Pegasus.
“Wow, not even a day here and I’ve already got a stalker. You’re not doing a good job though.”
“I am not a stalker”
“Seems like it.” I swim towards the bank of the river “Damn, this is going to be really cold when I get out.”
“I can solve that.” I get out, shake my head to get most of the water out of my hair, and sure enough I am soon shaking from the cold.
“Then get cracking.” She then starts flying in a circle around me, faster and faster until I can barely see her. I feel the suction of the rainbow tornado begin to lift me off the ground, and the water off my body and out of my clothes. After I am floating in the air I notice that I can’t breathe “The suction is forming a vacuum, shit”. I reach out to try to tell Rainbow Dash that I can’t breath, but then she stops and I fall on my ass.
“That may have worked, but you could have killed me.” The look of confusion on her face tells me she doesn’t understand how a tornado works. “Tornadoes form a vacuum in the center, in the vacuum there isn’t any oxygen to live.” First a look of realization, then one of shame and apology. “Don’t worry about it, you didn’t know, and hey I’m dry.” I march towards the boutique. Rainbow Dash flies next to me, and breathes in. I see what she’s doing and interrupt her. “I said it’s okay. You can’t blame someone for something they didn’t know.” She smirks, then laughs a little.
“I was going to ask what you’re name was soldier.”
“First off, I don’t know if I am a soldier or not. I don’t even know who I am. All I know is that my name is Michael Tennison and I’m not from Equestria.”
“How did you get here?”
“Don’t know, I just woke up in a hospital room. Nurse said I had a concussion. If you want to know more, ask Twilight, because I’m not explaining all that again.” I reach the boutique and circle around it to look for the door. I get halfway to the other side when I come across it.
“I need to go, weather needs to be made, clouds have to be kicked.”
“I understand”
I knock three times, step back then move to at ease, my hands are behind my back, and my feet are shoulder width apart.
“The doors open darling.” Unlike Rainbow Dash, this voice is very feminine. I reach for the doorknob and push open the door “Do any of the doorknobs work? Wait, ponies don’t have hands, wow.” I chuckle at my own stupidity as I walk in. I look around and notice a white pony with a flowing purple mane, her Cutie mark was three diamonds. She was standing in front of a desk, elbows “What is that joint called on horses?” resting on it, one hoof holding her chin up while the other was absentmindedly pushing some white buttons around.
“You must be Rarity. I need some clothes.”
“I don’t recognize your voice deary, you must be new to Ponyville.” I chuckle to myself “You could say that.”. She turns around and gasps at the sight of me. “You woke up!” My grin, glued to my face at this point, got a little wider.
“I did?” “Sarcasm, another talent of mine. Wonder what some others are.” “Anyway, could you make me some clothes? I can pay you later.”
“Of course I can. Now what would you like?”
“I don’t really care. Five blue jeans and five T shirts I guess. Color isn’t important.”
“You want a wardrobe filled with the same clothes?” She has a look of complete shock, and a touch of horror.
“Um, yeah. Is that a problem?”
“No, it’s a fashion travesty!” “Uh-oh, this kind of person, er pony”
“I’m sorry, but in my opinion, function before fashion. I want some durable clothes that won’t be ruined if they get wet, like these. If they happen to not be fashionable, as long as it doesn’t hurt the eyes, I honestly don’t care.” She looks at me. “Did I just fuck up?” “But I can appreciate a dressing nice at a formal occasion.” She closes her eyes “I hope I fixed that well enough.”
“Time to get your sizes.” Her horn glows and tape measures, pieces of cloth, a notebook, and a pencil, all levitate around her “I really hope she doesn’t hate me now, that pencil looks VERY sharp.”. I snap to attention, perfectly still, following every direction that leaves her lips.
-Michael
[If the story feels kind of disconnected, I’m sorry because I am scatterbrained as hell. Can’t change how I think though, so either deal with it or stop reading (Please just deal with it)
Question (Does anyone read these? Not the actual question) Do you find my stories interesting? I’m not trying to advertise my own stuff (View counts don’t matter to me), I just want to become a better writer, can you help a brony out?]
-Michael
eh
I can't tell if this is a standard HIE or not.
Is this going to be a journey of self discovery or a self insert where the character
f#$%s Rainbow Dash?
It seems that your story seems a bit...scattered. By that, I mean it has a good amount of dialogue, but not enough details about the environment. If I want to read a story, I want some personality in it. One of the key parts of a good story is relating to a character (that is unless this is a self-insert story). I'm going to be frank with you, this needs work. You can disregard my comment if you'd like. In any case, it's your story, so don't let a few dislikes or negative comments get in the way of your creativity.
440331 first, there will be no shipping or clop in my story
second, i havent a clue where this story will lead
410416 thanks, if you look at my past work i think Ive improved
i really like the last bit
wat did.......It seems that there are gaps in time as i read the story, maybe im just tired
410549 there are some, but its either in between chapters or obviously pointed out
AAAAAARG. Formatting is something so easy to do, and when not done makes it so terribly difficult for the reader. For this site, put an extra line on paragraph breaks. And for the love of God and all things holy, NEVER center justify the main body of your work. Always left justify, or, if the language calls for it, right justify.
If you make the changes and reply to this comment with "I've made this small concession to you, reader" I'll read it in more detail.
410331 It's ALWAYS the second, unfortunately. Unless the writer is asexual (like me), or some other rare exceptions. Also, why is it ALWAYS Dash with humans? Any actual inter-species romance involves Dash, with at least one human being shipped with her.
As far as the story goes: It's... interesting, though amnesia is ALWAYS retrograde in fiction. However, it would be kind of hard to write a story about someone who forgets things constantly, so... At least this isn't another poorly-written self insert (minus the format). Center Justify is best used for a title, if you want to use it that bad.
Hmm.. looks like it might be standard Human in Equestria - in the "Try to figure out what's going on while I try to fit in" stage. At least he's got gone for dashie yet.
Please, don't center justify the remaining chapters.
411360>>411827 I dont kmow why its center justified
Aghhhh I want morrreeeeee!! This is a REALLY good story. Also he seems to know quite a bit about medical stuff. Possibly Military Medic/Assassin (with the parkour)
Also what a jerk! He just puts a hole in someone's roof and runs off?! Lol.. I don't think a normal person would react like that. I feel like he isn't giving himself the best image with the locals.
Still very good story and I would LOVE to see more soon.. Keep up the great work man, you have a lot of talent.
411203 "I've made this small concession to you, reader"
411827 fixed it
414146 About the hole in the roof. He was high on adrenaline, at least he told them where he works and where they can find him.
414219
Closer. Still needs a blank line between paragraphs unless you bother to indent them. Without it, paragraphs seem to flow into each other. Almost there!
414257 oh you nitpickers
*solved*
414146 what medical stuff?
415635 its bettter than some of the other stuff ive written, but I can always improve.
415699
i actually like how the story is progressing but the wall o text thing would probably help
415711 yeah. welp its about three am here (thank god I dont have school tomorrow) nite y'all