Pinkie Pie Writes a Stern Letter
"Spike! Thank goodness you're here! I need you to take down a letter right away, it's super important!"
Spike didn't even have to open his eyes to know who had interrupted his afternoon nap - he'd recognize that mile-a-minute voice anywhere. "Pinkie?" he muttered. "What could possibly be more important than letting me sleep?"
"No time to explain now, gotta get this letter down while it's still fresh in my mind!" Pinkie exclaimed. "You'll understand once I start dictating it to you!"
Spike rolled over and rubbed his eyes. "Couldn't you just, you know, write it down yourself?" he asked with a yawn.
"I tried to!" Pinkie said. "Really, I did, but I'm just too wound up right now and my writing was all shaky and wobbly and scribbledy. You can't just write an important letter all scribbledy-ly! But then I thought to myself, 'Pinkie! You know who has great handwriting? Spike does, because he takes all those notes for Twilight all the time!' So then I rushed over here as fast as I could to see if you would please, please help me write this super important letter." She paused and took a deep breath, then blurted, "So will you?"
Spike blinked a couple of times as he tried to let his sleep-blurred brain catch up with Pinkie's rapid-fire explanation, but he finally just gave up and nodded his head. "Okay, sure," he sighed. "Let me get a pen..."
"Great!" Pinkie squealed. "I already know exactly how I want to start: DEAR FILLY WONKA CANDY COMPANY, INCORPORATED..."
Spike cringed and covered his ears. "Um, maybe you could dictate just a little quieter, Pinkie," he said. "And is this letter seriously to a candy company?"
"Oh yes, very seriously," Pinkie replied. "You'll see in a minute."
Spike shrugged. "If you say so," he grunted as he hopped up onto a stool. "Whatever the issue is, I'm sure a proper Spike-the-dragon missive will set it right."
Pinkie gasped. "I just want to send them a letter, not a missile!" she protested.
"Missive, not missile, Pinkie," Spike said.
"Ohhhhh," Pinkie said, then she frowned. "What's a missive?"
"It's just another word for letter," Spike explained. "Twilight's been trying to get me to expand my vocabulary, but so far it seems like I'm just learning more confusing ways to say the words I already knew." He shifted into a more comfortable position, dipped his quill in ink, and pulled a sheet from one of the ubiquitous stacks of blank paper in Twilight's study. Owlowiscious landed beside him with a friendly hoot, and they both turned to look at Pinkie. "Alright," Spike said. "Go ahead."
Pinkie cleared her throat, furrowed her brow, and assumed a dramatic pose, then she unleashed the tirade that had been building up in the back of her mind all morning:
"Dear Filly Wonka Candy Company, Incorporated,
"First off, I feel like I should thank you for picking the most funnest name to say in the history of fun-to-say names. All those k's and c's, it's almost as fun as crunching on your Scrumptious Crackling Crabapple Caramel Corn! Come to think of it, that might actually be even more fun to say than Filly Wonka Candy Company Incorporated..."
"Pinkie..." Spike groaned.
"Oh, right, better stay on track," Pinkie said. "Okay, let's see... how about this next:
"But now is not the time for talking about fun things, my candy-making friends. No, this is a serious letter, because I just had the most un-fun thing happen to me while I was trying to enjoy a bag of your Super Tremendous Ultra-Deluxe Assorted Candy Bonanza.
For the first time in all of forever, I found a piece of black licorice."
Spike looked up from his furious scribbling and stared at Pinkie in disbelief. "Black licorice?"
Pinkie nodded emphatically. "I know, right? Appalling!" Owlowiscious hooted in agreement. "See, this guy gets it," Pinkie said. "Black licorice is the worst!"
Spike narrowed his eyes. "This is really about a piece of black licorice?"
"Not just any piece of black licorice," Pinkie countered. "An insidious, infiltrating imposter in what should have been a bag of the best candy in Equestria!"
"O... kay," Spike said. "So. You found a piece of black licorice..."
"Oh, right, the letter!" Pinkie giggled. "Silly me. Ahem. For the first time in all of forever, I found a piece of black licorice. Let me repeat that, because it's super important: there was BLACK LICORICE in your Super Tremendous Ultra-Deluxe Assorted Candy Bonanza! Black licorice isn't super OR tremendous OR Ultra-Deluxe! I guess it could be Assorted, and technically it's a candy, but the point is that it has no place in any kind of Bonanza, much less one as Super Tremendous Ultra-Deluxe as yours!"
Spike was trying admirably to keep up, but his mind yearned to be back in bed and he'd lost Pinkie's train of thought around the third "black licorice". His writing devolved into weary, illegible scribbles as he struggled to latch onto a coherent thought in Pinkie's diatribe.
"Now don't get me wrong - I LOVE the STU-DACB," Pinkie continued. "It's my most favorite of all your products! I love the chocolates and the Gooey-Chews and the Belly Busters and the jawbreakers and the rock candy and the candied rocks and the bubble gum and the jellybeans. I even love to make up cheers with that fun little acronym, like 'S T U-D A C B! The only candy mix for me'! I even like most kinds of licorice, with their fruity flavors and chewy goodness, but there is just no excuse for the black kind. It's not sweet or fruity or crunchy or gooey or chocolatey or bubbly OR gummy, it's just bitter and spicy and NO GOOD AT ALL."
At this point Spike had stopped writing entirely and was staring, slack-jawed and wide-eyed, at the spectacle of Pinkie in the throes of a proper rant, but she was too wrapped up in her speech to notice.
"Imagine you're surrounded by a bunch of adorable fuzzy animals, but as soon as you reach out to pet one it turns into a frog! Or no, wait, imagine reaching into a jar full of marshmallows, and you get a nice, big, puffy one and you're all excited to eat it but then you realize that it's really a frog! No, that's not quite right either... I know! Imagine you have a bag of delicious candy and you reach in for a piece and toss it in your mouth, but when you bite down it turns out to be black licorice - shaped like a frog! That's basically what this experience was like for me, except my licorice wasn't frog-shaped, it was just kind of round."
Spike turned to Owlowiscious and mouthed the word, "Frogs?" The owl just tilted his head and shrugged.
"Ooh, that's an idea," Pinkie rambled on. "Frog-shaped licorice! The frogs could be made of one flavor of licorice and they could have reaaaaaaalllllllllllllly long tongues made of another flavor of licorice, and you could call it Lickorice!" She looked to Spike for his reaction, but he just stared at her like a cow at an oncoming train. "Lickorice with a k, like 'lick'. Because of the tongues, get it?" Spike blinked. "I guess it sounds the same as licorice when you say it out loud, but it's pretty funny when you look at it," Pinkie said. "Anyway, they would all be the good flavors of licorice, like strawberry or cherry or berry or anything that ends with that 'erry' sound, really. Well, maybe not anything. Can you imagine a licorice that tastes like a canary? Or a library? Or a ferry? No thank you!" She stopped suddenly. "Spike, are you getting any of this down?"
Spike kept staring straight ahead for a moment, half-asleep, until Owlowiscious nudged him with his wing. "Um, what? Yes. Yeah, of course I'm getting this down," he stuttered.
"You didn't look like you were writing," Pinkie observed.
"Oh, right," Spike said. "I was just... uh... using dragon shorthand! Yeah, super convenient system. Lets me abbreviate really long sentences into just a couple little symbols so I can keep up."
Pinkie trotted over and peered at the letter. "It looks like a bunch of scribbles."
"I'm sure it would, to someone who doesn't read dragon shorthand," Spike retorted. "Don't worry, once you're done dictating I'll write it out the normal way."
"Well, okay," Pinkie said. "So what do we have so far? Read it back to me."
Spike blanched. "I can't," he said, his voice suddenly low and scratchy. "I've... got a sore throat. And the doctor said I should really take it easy with the talking." He coughed. "You know. For my health."
"Hmmmm..." Pinkie squinted at Spike for a moment, then she smiled and patted him on the head. He flinched. "Well I hope you feel better soon, Spike!" she said. "Anyway, are you ready for the rest of the letter?"
"There's more?" Spike moaned.
"Just a little teensy bit," Pinkie promised. "We're almost done!"
"Alright, sure," Spike sighed. "Let's do this."
"That's the spirit!" Pinkie cheered. "Here we go. Thank you for taking the time to read my letter, and I hope you'll consider my idea for Lickorice, I'm sure it would be a big hit. I know you're probably very busy, but I have plenty of other great candy ideas for you if you want to hear them. I guess I'll wrap things up by saying thanks for making so many amazing snacks! You guys are the best!
Yours truly,
Pinkie Pie."
"That's it?" Spike asked warily.
"Yep!" Pinkie said. "Pretty cool candy idea, don't you think?"
"But wasn't this letter originally about the... you know what, never mind," Spike said. "This is great. I'll copy it down in my best handwriting and have Twilight deliver it as soon as possible, okay?"
"Sounds great!" Pinkie beamed. "Thanks for all your help, Spike!"
"Sure thing, Pinkie," Spike yawned. He watched her bounce down the stairs, then he turned to Owlowiscious and asked, "Did you get any of that?" The owl shook his head and flew away. "Yeah, same here," Spike mumbled. He picked up his pen, grabbed a piece of Twilight's personal letterhead, and began to write.
When he was finished, he looked over his handiwork and smiled. "I guess those vocabulary lessons came in handy after all."
Spike slipped the letter into an envelope, addressed it to the Filly Wonka Headquarters in Fillydelphia, and put it in the mailbox, then he curled up in his little bed and fell right back to sleep.
A few days later, the president of the Filly Wonka Candy Company, Incorporated was more than a little alarmed and mystified to find this letter in his morning mail:
"From the desk of Princess Twilight Sparkle
To whom it may concern at the Filly Wonka Candy Company, Incorporated,
As a matter of national security, the Princesses have issued an order to cease all production of black licorice immediately. We regret that we cannot divulge any further information at this time, but rest assured that this is an issue of utmost importance and secrecy. Your prompt and discreet cooperation is much appreciated.
Thank you."
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If this doesn't get featured than that proves the members of fimfic have zero taste.
... I WILL get this featured, no matter what it takes. That ending deserves it!
4485433
I have zero taste- For black licorice!
Cheers to this story.
Downvoted because your premise made no sense. Black licorice is amazing.
4485478 I have zero taste-- for men and women who have less depth than a shotglass!
Oh Spike! :)
Black licorice is indeed terrible
Haven't even read this, yet and I can tell I'm going to like it.
4485710
Even Stickybeard and his pirates agree with that.
Okay, I gotta admit, that was out there...but the ending was priceless!
Will we ever get to know how the licorice ended up in the mix?
By the way, licorice is awesome!
When I read who Pinkie Pie was writing to, I was guessing it was going to be a complaint that she came to the end of an Everlasting Gobstopper. Now I might have to write that.
So, it's not a magical candy land where children are tortured in ways that make the Middle Ages seem tame?
apart from the children being tortured thing, it fits in perfectly!
But...
Well, the Oompa Loompas were originally black, so there is that.
But I like black licorice
Still thought the story was funny though.
4485491 Don't tell Pinkie, but I like black licorice too...
4485433
4485466 Aw, you guys are gonna make me blush.
Oh man, this might be hilarious.
Yes, Spike did it like a boss. Fixed it where Pinkie won't ever see another black icky again, and still got out of doing it. XD
We all know that Spike is the power behind the fax machine behind the throne. Using such powers, he could demolish the state in a matter of days. Commanding overproduction of blizzards, sending out general orders to invade non-hostile countries, dissolving parliament... These are just a few of the things Spike has not yet done. But one day he will be legal to drink alcohol, and then the fan will hit the roof. It puts me in mind of this:
funker530.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/11/20131128-012048.jpg
4487706 That might be the best comment I've ever read in my life...
"handwriting" He's the only one in town with hands..
Also? Black licorice is the only licorice that actually has licorice in it. Red licorice is completely free of any actual licorice.
Madness... MADNESS!
4488320 Shhhhh, don't let Pinkie hear that fruit licorice isn't really licorice! It'll ruin her pun, and that's a dangerous game to play...
Epilogue: Luna is pissed. Return of Nightmare Moon. Bad End.
What i love about this story the most is the way the characters are written, especially Pinkie, I never stopped getting the feeling that it was Pinkie being Pinkie and i personally enjoy seeing words i'd never heard, like "blanch" or "missive", I don't usually learn new words from stories (I know that might sound arrogant, but i don't read stories a lot) so it was nice to have to look up words. Oh and i hope more people read this, good luck in the future.
Best story. Tenouttaten. Would read again.
4487706
Literally the greatest lazy story in the entire history of ever.
Spike- gettin' the job done like a baws
4486463
I blame Discord.
4492729
Canon.
You know a fan fiction is good when the dialogue stays in character. When I first read Pinkie Pie's dialogue with Andrea Libman's voice, and Spike's with Cathy Weseluck's, I could tell I was in for a treat. And true to your (character's) word(s), you did not disappoint! This was a fantastic piece that I would highly recommend to anyone. Great job! Keep up the good work.
I can't remember the last time I actually had to stop reading just to laugh. This was great
That story prompt couldn't have landed in better hands
4494322
I'm so glad you liked it! Thanks for an amazing prompt - I had a ton of fun with it, and I never would've thought of it on my own.
4493913
Thank you so much! My main goal in writing this story was to practice character dialogue, so it's super encouraging to hear that Pinkie and Spike sounded right.
Some of us actually like black licorice....
I have never heard of any other kind of licorice...another weird 'murrica thing?
Anyways, good short story, perfect size to read on the buss for a good chuckle.
Especially liked how you wrote Spike.
Well played, Spike. Well played...
4495774
Some of us have malfunctioning taste buds...
4495776 Licorice candy, from the root of the licorice plant, was invented as early at the 1600s in Holland.
Upon googling ^
4497496
Yeah, it's such a shame that you'll never realize how good black licorice is. Especially as an ice cream topping. I'd almost forgotten about that. Ah, memories...
4495776
Kind of. Apparently the word is sometimes used for candies made with similar shape, texture, and packaging as licorice products, whether or not they are actually licorice flavored. E.g., Twizzlers.
4499145
But black liquorice makes me throw up...
My goodness! It's the perfect solution!
"'Cause for the first time in forever,
For the first time in forever..."
Discrete is not discreet. One means separate, the other means sneakily.
4506313 Fixed! Thanks for the correction.
Black Licorice is the flavor of hate, and evil. If evil and hate could have a flavor Black Licorice would be it. Seriously though Spike is awesome.
SPIIIIIIIKE! YOU SON OF A - ♫AHHHHAHHHH-AAHHHHHHH!!! ... wah wah wahhh...♫
Really, if you can't appreciate the rich bite of licorice, that's no reason to ruin it for everyone else! On the other hand, the Filly Wonka Candy Company probably isn't the only place that makes it.
4513903 HEY DON'T BLAME SPIKE.
Also, he's the only Ponyvillian with hands! That's a big plus for handwriting.
In any case, I am in complete agreement with Pinkie. The frogs would probably be even better if they were made of gummi, but then the pun wouldn't work. Ah well.
Oh, and black licorice is a disgusting confectionary abomination that should not be inflicted on anyone.
Thank you for a Pinktacular story.
4638729 Is black licorice Dutch Licorice? 'Cause if so I wholeheartedly agree. If not, I disagree very strongly.