It was around midnight when Chrysalis landed inside a bush near a giant tree. She stuck her head out of the bush to get a better look at the front entrance of the tree. There was a red door that lead inside, nearby there was a large sign that read ‘Golden Oaks Library’. The windows were still lit so that meant the librarian hasn’t left yet. She went back down to the bush and started thinking of a disguise to enter with. Suddenly there was a green flash, then a Pegasus came out of the bush and started heading towards the door to the Golden Oaks Library.
Twilight Sparkle placed the book ‘Fallout Equestria’ back to it’s respective spot. That was such a great read. So dark and so much adventure! I wonder which one I should read, her thought process was interrupted when there was a knock on the door. That’s strange. No pony usually comes to the library at night. Twilight looked at the clock hanging from her wall. It read ‘12:23’. Especially at this hour. Twilight cautiously approached the door. There was another knock on the door, faster and louder than the last one.
She opened the door to reveal a pink Pegasus mare with a dark pink mane and tail. Her cutie was one big red heart and two smaller maroon ones on the side. I’ve never seen her around before. Better run the spells just to be sure. Twilight’s horn lit up as she casted the Changeling Revealing spell she created for the Royal Guards on the mare. She also casted a lie detection spell on the mare as well. She levitated a book next to her to hide the spells.
“Hello there. May you be so kind as to help me? My filly ripped up my copy of ‘Maximum Ride: Saving the World’ a week ago and my new copy won’t come in the mail for another month and I still haven’t finish it.” The mare said. Twilight heard a loud beep from her head. Strike one. Now to wait a bit till the Revealing spell is done to see if you’re a Changeling or not.
“I think I might have that book somewhere around here, But why don’t you tell me your name first?” Twilight asked. The mare looked shocked for a second before returning to her normal state.
“Oh, of course. How rude of me. My name is Radiant Love.” The mare replied. Another loud beep rang out through Twilight’s brain. Strike 2, and since she tried to stalled a little when I asked that’s strike 3. Now let’s see who you really are. The spell finished to reveal something Twilight wasn’t expecting. Chrysalis. Twi almost lost her act when the spell was done, but she remained calm. Twilight deactivated the spells and levitated the book back to it’s respective place on the shelves.
“Well, come inside and let’s see if we can’t find you it.” Twilight motioned the Changeling inside. While most would make an excuse and close the door at that point, Twilight saw an opportunity to trap their leader and bring her to Celestia.
Chrysalis walked inside and took look around. Books filled every single shelf. There were practically no empty spots in the shelves at all. All of them were neatly shelved next to one another in a very organized manner. Twilight closed and locked the door to make sure she wouldn’t try for that way.
“So,” Twilight started, “what book was it that you need again Radiant Love, or should I say, Chrysalis?” Twilight confronted. Chrysalis jumped in surprise but then remembered who she was dealing with here. The only pony who suspect her disguise at the Canterlot Wedding. She smiled lightly as a green flash lighted up the room. When the light died down, in place of Radiant Love was the Changeling Queen in her full glory.
“You were always the observant one weren't you little brat?” Chrysalis playfully asked. Twilight put on a more serious face.
“Thank you for the compliment. Now what are you doing here?”
“Oh, you’ve learned sarcasm. That’s good.” Twilight grew more angry at Chrysalis joking. She let out a low growl.
“But if you must know, I am need of assistance.” Twilight backed off from Chrysalis, surprised at what she said.
“What?” Twilight replied. Chrysalis groaned at the purple Unicorn’s response.
“I need to rebuild. You see, 4 months before the Canterlot Wedding happened was the downfall of my race. Skipping to now, my race is down to nearly extinction due to my stupidity. Also before you ask, I had no idea you were even here. I was just hoping to ask the librarian in town where I could find a place to sleep. Afterwards I would start with my plan.”
“AH HA!” Twilight exclaimed, pointing her hoof at the queen. “I knew you were trying to pull another Canterlot wedding!” Chrysalis looked surprised at first but then started to giggle. At this point, Twilight was almost broken by the queen’s giggling. I have to be dreaming. This is a dream, right?, Twilight thought.
“You’re such a fool. If I wanted to do that, which I don’t by the way, I would’ve brought my army here, but I didn’t, as most of them are dead.” Twilight felt embarrassed as she just remembered that the Chrysalis just said her race was at near extinction.
“Now please let me finish. As I was saying, my plan is to establish my presence here as a pony by finding permanent residence and acquiring a job. Afterwards I will search for my-” Chrysalis took a moment to fake gag, “-my true love as they are needed in order for me to rebuild.” Twilight was now very interested in what Chrysalis was saying. The ability to practically revive an entire race was amazing.
“Um……. so how does finding your ‘true love’ works for a Changeling?” Twilight asked.
“It’s simple really,” Chrysalis answered, “I must use no outside force to have the mate in question fall in love with me so that means no spells or potions. The mate must also know that I am actually a Changeling and still love me even though I’m a Changeling which the last part could be rather difficult considering.” Twilight gave a ‘really’ look to the queen. The changeling merely responded with a sigh.
“Well it is late, so I ask you Twilight Sparkle, where is the nearest inn from here?”
“Well, there is only one inn here in Ponyville. and it’s all the way across town, to the west so I’m afraid you’ll have to sleep here tonight. I’ll take out the extra bed.” Twilight headed upstairs while Chrysalis stood there, surprised at what the pony just said. After all that has happened, she’s still so kind. Now the question is, why? Chrysalis went upstairs after a few moments of standing. Twilight was no where to be seen. There was a bed with a moon and sun styled blanket. Nearby was an open book on the desk nearby as well as some sketches of Changelings. This intrigued the queen so she wanted a closer look. As she walked up closer to the desk, she found out that the book was actually a book being written. So the little brat was studying us., Chrysalis thought. There was a very loud cough behind her so she turned around to see Twilight Sparkle giving a small smile.
“So,” Chrysalis started, “are you painting us as monsters in this book of yours brat?”
Surprisingly the Unicorn answered, “No. I am painting you as a normal species but without a real Changeling to help-”
“Okay, okay brat. I see where you’re getting at. You want me to teach you all about the Changelings don’t you?”
“Yes.” Twilight answered, “How did you-”
“Guess?” Chrysalis cut Twilight off again, “Easy. You hid somewhere or casted an invisibility spell on yourself so I can’t see you, leave your book conveniently on your desk as well as your sketches so I can find it purposely so then you can confront me and ask me if I can help you on your endeavor which the answer is yes, but under some conditions of course.” Twilight was annoyed by the fact she had to meet conditions but she didn’t exactly had a choice in the matter. She needed the information on the Changelings and Chrysalis was her only choice at the moment.
She let out a sigh before saying, “And what are your conditions?” Chrysalis smiled at the Unicorn’s cooperativeness.
“One, you must not tell your Princess of my current location. Two, you must help find me permanent residence, and three, you must help me find a job.” The Changeling replied.
“As much as I don’t like the first one, I will comply. The second one is easily solved as there are some houses up for sale that I have enough money to buy. The third we can talk about later.” Twilight let out a loud yawn, “I need to sleep.”
“Excellent. I believe we’re done here.”
“Good, now. Get.Out.Of.My.Tree.” Twilight stated. Chrysalis was taken aback by this sudden mood change.
“And why, are you kicking me out?” Chrysalis lowered her eyes in a threatening manner.
Twilight lowered her eyes in the same manner. “Because, one, I don’t have the second bed since I sold it due to the fact I haven’t had anyone over in a year. Second, I’m willing to help you but I don’t trust you so you’re going to have to go to the inn.” Chrysalis let out a growl at Twilight before there was a flash of green light. The light died down to reveal Radiant Love was there instead of Chrysalis.
“Fine,” she started, “but you better live up to the conditions.”
Twilight nodded her head. “I am. I’m not a liar like you Chrysalis.” The queen decided she had enough with the Unicorn and simply walked passed her. Moments later, Twilight heard a loud slam from downstairs.
Chrysalis flew through the air, throwing curse words left and right, up and down in hopes of releasing her anger. That shit bag!, she thought. She tricked me! How did I let her trick me! The queen let out a loud groan. I would’ve so love to strangle the little bitch if I didn’t need to use her. She spotted the inn down below. Nearby was a building that looked like it was made of sweets. Chrysalis glided down and gracefully landed in front of the inn. There was a sign hanging by the door the read ‘Hoofton Inn’. The building itself was much like the others around it, besides the fact it looked big enough to hold around 30 ponies. She opened the door as she was greeted by a bright light.
After it died down, she saw a dark blue stallion Earth Pony, with no mane, sitting behind a desk, reading a book. Chrysalis walked towards the desk and discovered that the stallion was reading ‘Maximum Ride: Saving the World’. That is simply too convenient., Chrysalis thought. She ranged the bell on the desk nearby to get the stallion’s attention. He didn’t look up. Chrysalis then decided to give a cough towards the stallion. No reaction. That’s it! She slammed her hooves down the desk and the stallion fell off his chair in surprise. Serves you right. The stallion looked up to see Chrysalis giving him the stink eye.
He quickly got up and said, “Welcome to the Hoofton Inn, ma’am. Would you like a hard or a soft bed?”
“Hard one.” She replied. The stallion went under the desk and came back up with a key to a room.
“Right hallway, down three doors, to your left. Please, enjoy your stay.” Chrysalis rolled her eyes and took the key. She followed the stallion’s directions and found that she got room five. She unlocked the room and took a look around. There was a desk, a bookshelf full of books, a bed, and window. Nice and simple. She thought. She put the key down on the desk and jumped onto the bed. Chrysalis let out a quiet moan as she relaxed on the bed. Nice and hard. Just the way I like it. She then closed her eyes slept.
I like.
4572361 me like you cuz you like.![:pinkiehappy:](https://static.fimfiction.net/images/emoticons/pinkiehappy.png)
Interesting. I really like this. I always did enjoy this little shipping. Fun. I really hope to see more!
4572469 all in good time my good sir. All in good time, you shall have your shippings. All in good time.
Okay.
Sugercube?
Yes?
Stop being creepy.
I always enjoy reading these ships. I'm dying to see how things go in the morning! Keep up the good work!
4573113 I enjoy that you as well. I'm currently writing chapter two now so (nudges Fluttershy)
YAY!!
4573339 YES IT IS!! CAUSE I WANT IT TO BE!!! CAUSE SCREW YOU DEATH I CALL DIBS ON ECWM!!!!
4573376 I think it's rather ugly myself, but whatever.
So you took down the original version to do a more refined version eh... We'll I liked the original but I am liking where this is going. So keep up the good work.
4573465 I am not the original guy who made it. This guy is ---------> link to dude
He deleted the story but before he did he made a blog post asking people to adopt his fic along with 4 others and I took up arms and adopted it.
But I'm glad you think it's more refined. Honestly, I was terrified of how people will take my version of the fic but I'm glad so far it's doing ok.
Involves changelings...must read, must read now.
~ Michael A.
4573863 Finally! Someone has a problem with the story! YES!!!
4573682 Someone likes Changelings.
Oh god, way to fast.
And way to naive from Twilight, it was like :
Oh hi I know you are Chrysalis and you pretty much are asshat but I'm cool with this.
Uh ok?
Yeah lets go to sleep I trust you that you won't do anything bad etc etc.
Yeah I'm cool with this.
I mean it would be more plausible if Twilight was acorn already (because she have somehow even more power and can be confident in this) but no, and if counting IDW comic then its even less plausible that she trusted her just like that.
In one way you make her skeptic and all that spells on start but secondly its just like oh whatever.
4573937 YES!! ANOTHER ONE WITH A PROBLEM WITH THE STORY!!! MY DAY/NIGHT IS BEING SO MADE RIGHT NOW!!![:pinkiehappy:](https://static.fimfiction.net/images/emoticons/pinkiehappy.png)
4573944
Not sure if sarcasm ...
4573945 I'm being serious. So far it's only you and Dekachcho who has problems with the story and I am really happy for that you have problems with it.
I like, I like very much. And I need more. More!!!!
~ Michael A.
4574169 Probably tonight or tommorow. Just depends.
Thanks for adopting this, I happened to see it on the popular stories box, and I was wondering if it was updated... At least it has someone who will take care of it and update it now.
~Crystalline Electrostatic~
4574717
You're welcome. Wait.
.........
........
............
Ah think you broke him guys.
It has potential, it definitely does, but it's not really... up there, so I'm afraid I won't follow it.
There are a few reasons for this, and one of them is one that has been mentioned before. It's simply that it happens a bit too fast, secondly is Twilight's naivity. I do imagine her as being a forgiving character, but here she's practically saying "Go ahead, Chrysalis, murder me in my sleep." She's acting as if Chrysalis is just another Trixie, someone who was a bit of an ass but nothing worse when, in this case, Chrysalis tried to enslave ponykind, impersonated her sister-in-law, brain washed her brother and might very well have been the cause of several hundred ponies' deaths. At best, she would likely tell Chrysalis where she could find a place to sleep after hearing her explanation, but constantly be on guard with a binding or shielding spell at the ready.
Thirdly is Chrysalis. We know that she did what she did because of her changelings being short on food, but here you're picturing her as a... Well, she's not quite the Chrysalis with malicious intent that we know. You've written her as being quite a bit softer than she should be. Now, don't get me wrong; it's perfectly fine for her to be kinder towards her own kind, and sister, but she's still far too familiar with Twilight, and throwing in a "brat" here and there when addressing her won't make up for that. You need to show us more about how she's still the prideful and arrogant Chrysalis that we saw in a Canterlot Wedding. If anything, she probably wouldn't accept Twilight's offer (not that she would realistically give said offer to Chrysalis), unless she was forced because she was bound by magical chains or otherwise trapped. Null Magic Ring on her horn, perhaps?
At any rate, you have a story here with quite a bit of potential, but your characterization and pace is off and needs a bit of work. I won't keep track of it, but you still have a 'Good luck' from me.
THIS! seams like it will be an intersting story! I hope to read more of it soon!
4575216 YES!!! YOU HAVE A PROBLEM AND YOU WENT INTO DETAIL!! THANK YOU!!!
And I am being very serious about this. Thank you for your criticism. I love people who tell me WTF is wrong with the story so I can fix it.
So, you want people to critisize your work? Well, I am the king of that! I usually go into detail about what I like and dislike about stories, but I haven't gotten the chance to write my thoughts yet. Prepare yourself for a long-ass comment, my friend.
~ Michael A.
4575216
In my defense, no ponies were killed.
Easy, cuz I own this universe and I can change whatever da faq I want.
And don't take this the wrong way, I see where agree and see where you're getting at with the whole thing but I don't believe that the Changelings would kill their food supplier. Now moving on.
Twilight, here, is taking advantage of an opportunity. At the current moment, Chrysalis is another Trixie.
She has no power, her people to near extinction and she is desperate for help. She is nothing more than an annoying brat. I could've had Twilight turn her away but with the time length since they last met, I believe Twilight might have just released that need to punch Chrysalis in the face and instead is just angry at her. She sees what Chrysalis has turned herself into and also with that time spam she takes the lessons she learned with her friends more to heart.
Now there is only one thing that I don't like about your criticism. It's early. This story is just getting off the ground, like barely a foot of the ground and there's already a criticism. I would wait till 5 pages in to do a criticism but then again, you're not me. You're you. So I believe I'm done.
Oh, and sorry for making this little counter post. I'm currently bored and you gave me something to do so I took it. Please don't take it the wrong way.
4575360 Hold on, to early to start a criticism bro. Wait a bit.
4575369
How do you know? They never went into depth about what Changelings do, and it's likely that ponies did get killed by the Changelings. If you want to make it your own universe, then put on an AU tag.
How does she know that Chrysalis is powerless? How does she know that Chrysalis' people is near extinction? And don't tell me "because Chrysalis said so." No sane person would believe the word of someone who invaded their country just because they say it is so.
Twilight has no reason to believe that Chrysalis actually needs help, or even wants it. She's in full rights to believe that this is just another "Canterlot Wedding", and actually stick with that belief instead of just go "Oh, Chrysalis said she doesn't want to invade so that must be why."
I stand with everything I said in my earlier comment, including the fact that this story has potential, but with the attitude that you simply brush aside everything I say? Then you're wasting that potential.
4575372
Don't. Just don't. It's never too early for criticism. The problems we point out are here now, not in one chapter, or two, or even five; they're present in what you have already written. If you don't learn from the mistakes you've made in this chapter, then you'll make the same mistakes in the next five, and then when people start pointing out those mistakes/errors again then you'll have a lot more to fix. Catch your mistakes early, fix them and grow as a writer from that.
4575420 Alright man. I see where your getting at. Unlike most people, I see where you're getting at. I applaud you my good sir. Now have a heart attack.
th00.deviantart.net/fs71/PRE/f/2013/270/2/e/_mlp__cute_fluttershy_and_butterflies__by_twistedmindpony-d6m0wwk.jpg
4575360 So in regards as to what he said at the bottom. 575420 Go ahead and kick this story's ass.
4575420 And again, I am sorry for writing that stupid counter post. As I said I am very bored at the current moment and you just gave me something to do.
Also adding the fact that he hasn't has his coffee doesn't help.
Yeah, he's a real meany when he doesn't have his coffee.
Then why am I your profile picture?
...........I hate you two.
Fuck. Fine, you win.
Okay, I started writing this big-ass comment explaining everything that I found wrong with this story, and I'm just too lazy to finish it. I'm gonna edit what you have and comment what I think needs to be changed along side of all of the changes. Somehow, that is easier.
~ Michael A.
4574781 The popular stories box is super easy to get into though. If you have at least 50 favs before you add a new chapter, and you add the new chapter around 9 PM on a weekday, it has a good chance of getting in the popular box...
~Crystalline Electrostatic~
4576469 I uploaded on Thursday tho. In the morning where I live.
4575420 4573863 4573937 4575216 4575977
I just wanted to say, thank you to you guys. Why? This will explain for you. ---------> ssenemosewa fo knil
That says 'Link of Awesomeness' backwards.
4577849
My story, my rules now.
He used a name generator for that one.![:pinkiesmile:](https://static.fimfiction.net/images/emoticons/pinkiesmile.png)
.......damn you AJ. Damn you.
4578297 I have no clue what that's surpose to mean so I'm just gonna smile and nod.
4578628 Oh! I remember that movie. Good times. Good times.
Critique time: The story has a great basis. However, the execution could be far better. Its far too fast paced in a single chapter to really get me that invested into it. I mean, the base idea is REALLY good. Its just...you lack detail, you need to drag it out and invest emotion into it. THAT'S how you make a good story.
You need to make the characters believable, they need to feel like they have real emotion. You need to describe actions a bit more clearly too as well as appearances, even though we know what they look like.
Also, one of my tactics is, until a character introduces themselves; either to the audience through a thought or vocally to another character, I do not give their names. I describe their details and so forth. But I'm not overly detailed. I SHOW I don't tell.
That's how you tell a story. You express emotion, you let the audience feel like they're really watching it happen, you paint a vivid picture of what's going on and you make sure the readers are invested emotionally.
4581354 Funny thing at that, before you came, people complained about the pacing too, so I changed the last part of chapter 1 to match what I really wanted to do. Then you came and complain about the pacing again and I be like
But then, I remembered a quote.
So yeah. That's that. And if you wanna talk rushed, you should have read the original. Like in the beginning chapters, Chrysalis and Twi was already in bed! Yeah.
But anyway, thank's for taking a shit on my story. Now I'm off to write chapter 2!
4581868 I try to give an honest critique of the story, and this is how you treat me?
I'm trying to actually HELP the story out here and improve it. Did you know I can take just a single scene idea and stretch it out into a 3,000+ word chapter with some rather tasty details?
Your chapter one could easily be twice or maybe even three times as long if you put more descriptions and details into it.
The prologue could probably even top 2,000 words too.
But if you can't take even a single HONEST critique. A single HONEST Critique that is simply meant to help you and the story improve a bit. Then that is your problem.
4583056 ........ Yeesh. I meant shitting in a good way. I liked your critic comment for Celestia's sakes. If you saw the state the original was in before I adopted it, you would not only take a BAD shit on it, but then proceed to call the cops on it because it was so rushed.
But I digress. I'm sorry that you took the response to your critique the wrong way. Shitting is a very poor choice of words but when you played nothing but Payday 2 for the last two weeks, cursing tends to become a thing. So I am dearly sorry my good sir. To calm us both down, I suggest a relaxing thread of nothing but cute pictures.
----------> Thread of Cuteness <----------
Oh and this.
Very ego stroking. And don't say 'because it's true' cause
I don't care much for ego strokers at all but I'm going to let this one slide as we are both in the wrong here with the current predicament. Me mostly. Now excuse me as I will now go look at pictures that'll most likely give me a heart attack.
Him not quite feeling it so far. Twilight is emotionally bouncy, or perhaps multiple personality disorder. I'll chalk that up to it being midnight. Cool.
The idea is sound, but so far gone execution is pretty rocky. We'll stick around for a bit. Maybe....
Please, tell me, that I have the original one saved somewhere... The original story might've been a bit rushed, but it worked. I could read it with pleasure. Which - unfortunately cannot be said about your version so far.
The characters are terribly out of character, everything happens so fast and with so little description that I have no idea what's going on, this chapter is a mess.
I don't know why the heck the author of the original story deleted it... Mark it as "on hiatus" or "cancelled", sure, but why would you delete it?
I'm liking it so far
can't wait to see more