A continuation of the Xenoverse the day of Twilight's ascension in which an Irish blacksmith and hunter named Galen, who was raised in a medieval tourist trap of a village is brought to Equestria, along with his dog, due to said ascension.
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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4793388
Then again, Galen wouldn't really be privvy to that knowledge as they hadn't brought up Spike in conversation, so... inadvertent spoiler?
4794747
Uh...
(<.<)
(>.>)7
Guess so...?
It's really cool how much attention to detail you've put into what goes into the making of a blacksmith's smithy.
And I like how things are looking between Applejack and Pinkie more and more. I love the little nods you gave to the original Xenophilia...
And how comfortable they seem to be with each other as potential herd sisters.
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I've always wanted to find a smith I could apprentice myself to around where I live, so I've done a lot of research into what's required in a proper smithy. The only downside is that there aren't many smiths and they're normally pretty booked with applicants
Well, I thought that since this story's about them just as much as Galen, they should have their own devoted sections building on their relationship as well, especially since they don't want to rush Galen into anything before he's even remotely ready. Plus you have to remember that this relationship system is supposed to be free flowing between all parties involved, so it makes sense that the mares should see how well they're compatible.
Hey! Just wanting to say I've been enjoying your story allot, and wanted to toss over some C&C you way. This is all meant in an effort to help the story, and I'm only offering it because I enjoyed it.
Some things that confused me or I didn't think worked:
1) Galen's Arrival- This is part of what put me off reading this story so long- the "Magical ball from the sky" comes across as an incredibly cliche introduction for a HiE story- I hope you explain/develop it further, as if it's just a plot contrivance, that's disappointing- Lero's transition is a bit novel and has back story to it (and a potential villain)
2) Lero's extremely casual behavior about Celestia wanting to see Galen, and his lack of commiseration to his reaction afterwards. Celestia scared the *shit* out of him, and him letting her do it again without any protest seems... unrealistic. And even if he didn't, he lack of commiserating/sympathy in the aftermath is even weirder.
3) Celestia doing the test at all- for three reasons. Both the main story itself, and the other fanworks more or less depict Celestia regarding her test as a mistake- that she didn't know enough about humans, and it had unforeseen negative effects- which she's been trying to make up for ever since. Her blithely doing it again makes little sense. Second, she now has other resources outside of terrifying and angering their new visitor- Lero is trusted, and could give his own evaluation of Galen from interacting with him, and second, Luna has proven capable (In extended stories) of examining human dreams- So there's other ways of evaluating this human. third, while the test was never explored in detail, the hints of what happened was hair-raising. Her giving a stare and threatening his dog comes off... underwhelming.
4) Dash's reaction to Galen's word's seems... over the top. Breaking out in tears? Not snapping back? What's going on there? That is... weird.
5) Spike is missing for no explicable reason, both from when Galen is introduced to Lero's herd- and at the party where everyone is explicitly invited. Where is he? Why doesn't Herd Bellerophon want to introduce the person who's essentially their son? Why would Pinkie Pie exclude him?
6) You keep refering to Lero's profession being a handyman- while he still does work around town that is easier for him due to his hands, his current profession is masseuse.
7) Small note, why do we never see Winona and Riley interacting, even in passing? Dogs usually love the company of other dogs, and the fact that we never see them in teh same scene seems odd.
Things I liked:
1) I like how Galen quickly establishes himself as very distinct from Lero, Gus, and every other human in Xeno so far, with a distinct background, personality, and skill set. He's fairlly well realized fairly quickly.
2) The way the relationships are developing between Pinkie, Galen, and Applejack is excellent. They flow naturally and work well.
3) The fact that Galen was angered rather than frightened by Celestia is a nice contrast with Lero.
4) The detail of the party worked well, most people can't write a party and make it seem fun, you pull it off.
5) Galen's attitude and acceptance of his situation is rather rational, and works due to his life and background, unless sometimes where the character is unrealistically accepting of their situation for no reason.
4798381
I'll message you later tonight about my reasoning for a few of the things you pointed out. I will admit that I hadn't considered Luna as an alternative, although I still say that she would have wanted to see his reactions in those situations due to his obvious arsenal and knowledge on how to use said weapons. Lero was obviously benign to begin with, even without knowlegde of who or what he was, but Galen obviously was a hunter and could have easily harmed or killed somepony if he so chose, likely even without his weapons. Celestia fell back on her old stand-by of putting herself in those situations after provoking him in such a manner so that she could get a feel of his reactions and handle any countermeasures without anypony else over reacting to Galen's reactions.
I'll get back to you on the rest. Sleep needed now...
4798381 Damn son! That is one fine ass comment! Lot of nails knocked right the fuck out!
...
...
In other words I really like your comment.
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31.media.tumblr.com/54e4042d7807a4047342712504cacd9d/tumblr_mka2uglKNH1rj5ltgo1_400.jpg
Agreed.