New Author; Minibinaz
Go Here to Read Continuation
2 Delta Force Operators, SFC David Grayson and Sgt Elliot Lee, find themselves in the Everfree Forest after a helicopter crashes. After a day of recon they decide to become Ponyville's silent protectors, only coming out at night, stopping the criminals and saving ponies. During the day they watch over the town with binoculars, hunt, fortify their base, and search the forest.
For weeks ponies have been reporting seeing 2 tall figures looking out over Ponyville from the Everfree, walking the streets at night and stopping criminals before leaving them outside the headquarters of the Ponyville Guard, unconscious and tied up. Tune your radio to a certain frequency and you may be able to hear chatter between 2 creatures.
Huge problem with your story. Why would the Sergeant Major of the US Army be in the field? That is the HIGHEST ranking NCO in the entire army. As in only ONE of them. That is a desk slot. Hell, above E-4/5 the majority of folks ride a desk. Also, nobody calls themselves "operators" anymore.
Not to mention, you went with the usual cliche of popping up in the Everfree and pretty much deciding to give up on their service to the United States. Not to mention everything just happens to speak English.
You seriously need an editor, fact checker, and overall TLC for the story. There is NOTHING military themed about this other than the fact you say they are in the Army. Sure as hell don't act or sound like it. More like two frat buddies that decided to go out for a weekend hunt.
I'll just break things down as I see them.
-Random suppressors just sitting around in pouches? Plural? One suppressor is all you need, and they aren't that great anyhow.
-To be honest, it reads like you know nothing about the military and are completely just winging it. Nobody in their right mind would call a Sergeant by anything less than their rank and name unless they want their ass to get chewed.
-A sniper is only part of a team. There is no lone sniper, and they are issued a M4 or similar along with their usual rifle.
-I'll leave the setting up camp alone, but there is literally no way Twilight would be able to hear the comms. Those are multiphase encrypted units.
-Sleeping on the ground is something every soldier is trained not to do. Especially stone. Cold ground kills more people than cold air.
-The entire line about drinking from moving water is horribly wrong. Beaver fever is a hell of a thing. Your OC has died of dysentery.
-You don't screw suppressors onto a M4. The most common issued suppressor is the Gemtech Halo that has a twist lock. Lower it over the flash hider and rotate the locking ring. They are also starting to issue AAC and Surefire cans, but those are QD as well.
-Binoculars and scopes are issued with antireflection devices (ARD) that screw into the optic.
-Nobody says crap like "oscar mike" unless they are on comms. Moving/displacing/frag out/etc yes, but saying shit in NATO is just silly.
-They are trained soldiers, at least that is what you want us to believe. You don't need to be told to find a good spot to fire from.
-Unless it is 500m or more out, there really isn't bullet drop to worry about.
-Lastly no soldier, even the guys in the defac would forget how to get back to where they are camped. Basic orienteering 101. Considering Delta is supposed to be the best of the best...
-Oh, and they would have had a few days food and water in their rucks. Game would never be taken near camp, let alone cooked while trying to stay hidden. Same with a fire of any sort. Smoke can be seen/smelt for miles.
As much as i like the idea , Arxsys here , is right
you might consider what he said and i'm sure you can fix all those problems .
i'll still give you a fav to see how the story evolve
If you're going to continue with this, you might want to promote that E3 into an E5 and knock the SMA down to E7. I have never in my 4 years in the Army seen an SF below E5, and I drill at the same place and to school with guys from the 20th Group.
Also, 90% of everything you see in the media (TV, movies, video games) about the military is wrong. There are groups here that are dedicated to helping civilians write military fics. Ask one of them for help.
Even better then Chinook down. But I don't get why they wouldn't investigate the spot pinkie said was housing two creatures.
Even if justified as thinking it was just pinkie being pinkie.
Guys, if you don't like it then write your own story. This site needs more of them. JohanssenJr, thank you for serving your country to defend freedom, and democracy.
4754108
Seeing as how it's been a full 24 hours already without a single reply, I don't think the author is paying much attention to the comments on this story.
Also if I may insert one of my nitpicks:
Okay listen buddy I know that you think Call of Babby is like the highest standard of military games but I think you need to be educated about Operation Flashpoint/ArmA.
Also yeah a trained soldier would totally compare a situation in real life to a video game. /sarcasm
4758332 Honestly, the site needs better QC controls. The story approvers have been totally overwhelmed. Hell, there was illegal content in the featured box a week or two back because there is so much needing to process it didn't get caught. Both sides of the coin really. The Author has just as much of a right (so long as he is an American) to write such things, as I do to correct him on what content is silly.
4761980 Yeah, I'm getting that feeling. *shrug* I did my due dilligence trying to help. If Rage Reviews or one of the other groups has at it, I'll probably just grab the marshmallows and enjoy the flames.
4761980 I'm currently on vacation with my family for the week and don't have much time to write. Changed it to 'don't for hunting or fishing' and don't have the money for a gaming PC so currently, the most realistic thing I've got is Battlefield.
To everyone else, thanks for the criticism. I'll take it all into consideration the next time I get a chance to write. To all those reading who have served, thank you.
Also, cdn.motinetwork.net/motifake.com/image/demotivational-poster/1103/priorities-celebrities-marines-media-demotivational-posters-1300133182.jpg , our medias priorities are fucked
Great so far, onto the next chapter!
Great chapter, i look forward to the update.
Also, ponies need to prep to be pwned
image.blingee.com/images19/content/output/000/000/000/7d9/795103449_246808.gif
great Story so far, Keep going
Daddy! NO! As he hits the ground, her mother picks her up and continues running away.
Good so far but is the First Sergeants partner a Private First Class or a Sergeant. You went from the latter to the former. Need to stick with one rank or you will confuse people.
Okay so he went from first sergeant to sergeant major of the army. A sergeant major, as mentioned before is a desk job more or less. Not only that the dude must be pushing fifty as that rank is, as said before, a one person rank and usually would take about 30 years to reach. Need to get this stuff right mate.
Also phone typing sucks lol
A good start. Looking forward to how it progresses.
4804550 At first he was a PFC but at the recommendation of Arxsys, I changed it. I guess I wasn't as through as I thought. Thanks for bringing it up or I wouldn't have caught it
Ok, before I even start. How much of your military-based knowledge is taken from games/movies/ other culture and media-based products and how much of it is taken from reliable sources like previous operators and books?
4754108
Yeap, that's about how you could sum this whole thing up, huh?
4754108 Wow I'm not even the author and some of this information will be put to good use for my story Lazarus, thanks mate!
4806731
This story is made entirely of Counterstrike Fanboy Syndrome.
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Where can I find these groups? I know a good amount about weapons and ways of waging war, but my area of expertise is in irregulars like militias and mercenaries, especially eastern European. I'm not terribly familiar with the western ways and I'd like to get some help with those for some upcoming fics I'll be writing. Thanks.
Well, these two seem oddly non-plussed about seeing talking fuckin' ponies.
Also, it's "Protectors." Protecters doesn't even pass spell-check, dude.
Also, you should call it a suppressor, not a silencer. Silencers don't exist.
4808536
Military Fic Help
Military Bronies
Just be sure to ask for ACTUAL service members/veterans, we're glad to help. You just have to make sure you don't get some JROTC/ROTC tard or some kid who's "thinking" of joining/hasn't shipped yet.
Just remember, the "little things" are what makes or breaks a military story. The little things in this case being SOPs/Regs and behaviors moreso than knowledge of tactics and the parameters of equipment. Hell, 90% of the time we don't even know the actual nomenclature of over half the stuff we use (for instance, I have no idea, nor do I care, about the actual designation of the shelter truck that goes with the Q37. All that matters is that I know what it is, how to operate it, and how to maintain it). So always avoid as much technical jargon as possible.
Also, IMAGERY!
"Fine, um, up there. Good overlook, lots of cover and an easy escape route. Natural choice."
IMAGERY! IMAGERY IMAGERY IMAGERY! Up where? What is this place? Behind a rock? Amidst some trees? What do they see? What do they feel? How can I as the reader possibly fall into the story if I don't have all this data?
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Thanks!
I've dealt with ROTC guys. I know who who is convinced that they know everything about the military and that anyone who learned anything even tangentially related elsewhere, especially anything different or differently is a complete moron.
All I can read is military circlejerking, military circlejerking, military circlejerking.
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This, my friend, is what is known as a Formless Void.
a completely totally undeniably
jesus christ what the fuckaccurate depiction of military soldiers!4811807
...You bring up some good points. People should listen to them.
4811807 don't worry, I didn't have to read it, I read a review which contained about 75 percent of the story, and trust me, I have no intention of reading the other 25 percent.
This story is a god awful, straight from CoD, cookie cutter, just your average terrible MiE.
4812312 trust me, you'd be in with the commenters if you read this drek
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4812279
I care less.
Story idea is meh but at least there's killing of some sort
4812872 lh6.googleusercontent.com/-E8BraY-JzkY/UhRERVlMKiI/AAAAAAAAAHA/GeWvNifM4jo/c9a.png
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i.imgur.com/7pS7LEp.png
4812525
You saw the light?
YFW before called out:
shaylude.files.wordpress.com/2014/06/10455445_508717145924283_1606848291331396020_n.jpg
YF Now:
x4.fjcdn.com/comments/When+I+am+losing+on+Shogun+2+Total+War+_a5e912468ba1ed652fd0ad3ead1cf208.png
DO YOU SEE WHAT YOU DO STORY?
YOU MAKE PEOPLE REGRET THEIR LIFE CHOICES.
AND SHED TEARS!
You're a prom night dumpster baby, AKA your typical eleven year old COD fancunt.
4811436 ah, knew that had a name. Thanks.
Diarrhea-tier. That's the particularly drippy level below shit.
To all you people who are "oh so deeply offended" by this story (I personally haven't even read it, but I have a good idea what to expect), imagine something like this as the fulfillment of your wishes for "realism":
FPS-fan wank suddenly sounds a whole lot better, doesn't it?
I like The concept of the story, it may have been a bit more interesting if the ponys were anthro but that's just my opinion, keep up the good work.
As a combat med in the Army, this brings up some fun memories ^.^
Oh, God. Was this written by a twelve year old boy? Why spell every instance of the word "two" in numerical form? Why? And the "military" jargon is even worse than the premise itself.
Hmmm... actually, I do like this story. Here, have a thumbs up. I hope to see more chapters from you in the future.
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I do have a criticism though. As much as I like the premise, as much I like what happens, and as much as I approve of the human characters..., everything's happening too quickly! I'd like there to be a lot more description to fluff up the chapter and ease old fuddy-duddy readers like myself from one plot point to the next.
I want more descriptions of the emotions of the characters as they find themselves in a new environment, I want them to mentally run through possible reasons of why they're in another world (we readers would find out about it through dialogue or narration, depending on whether you want the characters engaging in radio silence or not, or if they're on the "same page" mentally), I want them to wonder if Earth and the world that they find themselves run on are going to be similar enough for 2 humans to survive. Just fluff it up with a lot more internal monologue.
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So... an example of fluffing it up might look like the quoted thing below. Your original text shall be black, my added text shall be green and emboldened.
In the above quote, I basically said nothing more than what you already brought up. But I brought up everything having to do with emotions more frequently.
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There was one very simple line that I really liked:
David Grayson said that Twilight's mane is Black. I like this because he's probably interpreting her darkly colored mane as black because he's viewing her at night and he can just barely make out that the rest of her is purple. This is something that's subtle. Another possibility is that he misremembered her and he only got a fleeting glimpse of her, but I like my first theory more.
Though, I would like to hear what time of day this part of the story takes place. Maybe just about dusk. Considering how the ponies seem to want to leave the forest so soon after getting to the clearing..., it seems like they had a reason to completely leave the forest versus just regrouping within the forest at a safe distance from "those two green guys."
Throw in a sentence of how they'd really rather not be in the forest after dark and how they only have an hour or so before then. That's a quick and easy way of indicating not just the time, but why the humans should care about the time. Also, a quick little comment from one of the ponies about "dangers" sets the humans up to be on the look for them. I know they're already military, but on this planet, they don't know what a civilian looks like. They might be more open to giving deadly monsters the benefit of the doubt.
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In short, I already liked what I saw, but I do see the possibility for improvement.
4813567 No, it doesn't. Because only a 12-year old thinks that FPS-wanking into a story makes it a good military story.
If the plot needed guys with guns, it could have just as easily been to deer hunters from Alabama. But given that this NEEEDS to have military guys in it, it ought to at least accurately represent what being a military guy entails.
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4812279
Please I'm edgy as fuck
4816713
It might as well have been a story about a pair of gun-wanking NRA members who sleep every night with an AR-15 to give them sweet dreams. They were out on target practice in the woods and wound up in Equestria somehow. Their first reaction: "yay, we get to shoot stuff!"
That would at least have contained a bit of social commentary...
Meh. Extremely subpar. The low word count should have been warning enough.