I HAVE SWEATY BOOT RASH
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Twilight tries to find out why Celestia seemed so sad at the Grand Galloping Gala.
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Featured 7/31/2014! My birthday! Thanks, guys!
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And then...
SEX HAPPENED!!!!!
Just kidding. Or am I?
..wow. Im speechless.
A wonderful read. It would be interesting to see this continued. Especially if there were some resistance in changing, "The Rule".
The pros:
There are few enough spelling errors that it isn't bothersome and can be read with some speed.
Twilight seemed characterized well enough up to the halfway point, but other than that there isn't a whole lot I can say I like about this story.
The cons:
The setup feels very contrived. The gala, while a major event, is not a national holiday which is spent with loved ones. Even if that were the case, Twilight could easily have invited all of them. I guess this is countered by your supposition that they're drifting apart (unlikely but to each their own head canon.)
Luna leaving for a year is very possible, but it in no way explains why she can't still raise and or lower the moon (she could even do so while negotiating if need be, and I doubt gryphons are awake 24/7)
Some of the sentence structure and word placement is out of place enough that it starts bothering me and pulls me out of the experience, which might be helped by getting a proof reader or two to go through it.
The gala is nonexistent? The doors close at eight after which Celestia immediately bids Twilight goodnight? I would think such an event lasts until deep into the night at the very least, and if guests stop arriving it should give Twilight time to talk to Celestia.
The rule. Wait what? Are we supposed to accept that without any explanation?
The story breaks down completely after Twilight contacts Luna and everything is forced down the reader's throat rather than progressing naturally.
There is no resolution to the problems posed in the story itself. (Yes the problems are contrived anyway, but resolving them would at least make them have some value.)
Conclusion:
Luna revealing the punchline rather than Twilight figuring it out for herself is a shame and probably the biggest letdown of the story which was only made worse by the conversation that followed. I will admit that I had already lost interest in the story by that point however, since there is absolutely no tension of any kind; everything is just so because of writer shenanigans rather than any actual interaction between the characters.
In short: Not the worst idea I've ever seen for a romantic story, but pretty darn close. The writing was mediocre, and there was no suspense at any point which made the entire thing fall flat almost from the word go.
4777501
What if all of Equestria is corrupt? What then?!
4777918 then corrupt becomes natural, therefore no one is corrupt.
Hey, nice work! This is superbly written, and a cute story indeed. I really like your style, and also your characterisation - of Twilight and Luna in particular ("What is up?"
) I'll be sure to check out some of your other stories. Keep up the good work 
4777860 I actually liked that Luna did the reveal (it threw me for a loop and sped the story along nicely), and also that the Gala was ignored so quickly. It gave the story a needed quick pacing and tone and made the character writing between Twilight and Celestia front and centre. The story progresses so quickly from "Celestia is lonely" to "Celestia has a crush on Twilight", with the conflict being that Twilight does not know how to approach that crush, that the tension was upheld nicely. That said, some throwaway lines about why both of the Gala's hosts were allowed to abandon it so quickly (maybe it's being held as a charity drive, and there's a different host? Maybe the event is shorter because of some second occasion being held later that evening? Either way, Celestia should logically have to stay the night in the same way she did in The Best Night Ever (she even says she has to get back before anypony notices she's away once she's done talking with the Mane Six together) would do wonders for the story.
Also, I completely agree about The Rule. It felt contrived and out of place in the story, and didn't really alter the plot in any meaningful way (Celestia could just raise the arguments laid out by The Rule as reasons why she logically couldn't be in love with Twilight). It completely changed the tone from the private affair interrupted by others that the story was so nicely achieving.
But even then, it was a good story. Good pacing, novel tone, good characterization, enjoyable content. I'd give it a sold 7.5/10.
4777860
Thank you.
I wanted to try something different, writing romance without much of a plot, in which case not much of these comments make any kind of impact on me (sorry).
I am not going to try to argue these points, (to each his own, after all) but I will say that everything I was trying to accomplish seems to have worked out from most readers' point of view, so I'm not too worried about it.
However, in the way of proofreaders, I did have one go over this. Maybe I need to get a new one.
That picture looks familiar. Isn't this the one Bri-sta drew for my story?
4779699
I wouldn't know. I typed in 'Twilestia Dance' and it came up.
4779858
Eh, if it's Twilestia, I don't think Bri-sta would mind, I suppose.
If you want, though, you could ask the artist. She has an account on Fimfiction here: http://www.fimfiction.net/user/Bri
4780660
Thanks, I'll check it out.
I will admit that I haven't read this story yet, but based on the description, I find I must ask something. Why is this in Crowley's Shippingverse?
4781368
I... sorry about that. I guess I thought it was something else.
4781371 That's okay, it's an honest mistake that anyone could make. I will admit that I've made the same mistake before.
Awwww, I wanted to "see" them dance.
4783135 Yeah me too.
here's hoping there's more
Cute little story, I like the characterization but think that Twilight might be stretching things a little to much in the second half but it really depends on how far along things have come for the newest princess. She grows up rather quickly in the show after all... .
And now for a slight tangent on the matter of word / phrasing choice.
A common enough phrase, but having read this I was knocked out of the story for a good while with the thought "Equestria practiced (or practices) crucifixion?" which is where the saying comes from; having to bear the cross you will be executed on to the sight of said execution, without anyone else able to help you least they be punished as well. This is the power of language.
The equivalent, but without such a morbid connotation, phrase of "My burden to bear." works just fine.
4786097
Hm. Good point. Honestly, the phrase is so common I din't think about that.
I'll fix it up. Thanks for pointing that out!
This is good fic.
Excellent Fic.
Stupendous Fic.
Stopping just below the bar of 'better than Marmalade' fic.
Well done good fellow.
4786105
It's just a little thing, I'm sure the majority of your readers didn't even think about it. But for people like me, who read a lot and seek knowledge of words and phrases and their origins, it's the little things that matter the most because no one else bothers and "someone has to".
Thank-you for such a wonderful story, and thank-you for for sharing a love of words with others.
4786711
Aw, thanks! It seems I've found a kindred spirit when it comes to linguistic mysteries!
4779112
You, sir/ma'am could make whole story out of these.
This story made me feel all warm and toasty inside.
Very enjoyable.
4788227
Ha, you found my inspiration.
damnit why do you fuckers keep making awesome twilestia fics. i freaking hate that tyrant. but here again i read a very touching little piece that makes me like her. twiluna will always be best but god damnit this and the others I've caught recently make me want to *shudder* join a twilestia group.
4789068
No one said you can't ship Twilunestia.
4789068 I always find it sad the polarity that the Luna worship and Celestia hipster-ing forces upon the fanbase. You have to be Solar Empire or Lunar Republic, as if somehow the two don't love each other. As if somehow a years-past division should be emphasized above all, not the heartbreak it brought them both.
Why can't Celestia be a cold, loving and lonely old woman and Luna a petty, spirited and neglected young girl? Why do they have to be a tyrant and a rebel or a traitor and a good queen? Why can't they be family?
4790360
I agree. I think more fiction needs to reflect this point of view. People change overtime, and a thousand years is an awful lot of time.
4790360
4790777
Honestly my celestia view is based on the show. in the show she is a manipulator of staggering proportions who knowingly and constantly thrusts ponies in to things that the uninitiated should never face and she constantly trolls the hell out of her heroes.
Kinda kim jong ill in pony form.
that being said luna is almost Che Guevara who was equally monstrous,just in a different way.
Ultimately its whitch monster you prefere, the rebel at the front or the manipulator in the back.
4790843 What show are you watching? Tia has thrust ponies into situations they aren't ready for, yes, but she does so because she has literally no other option. The Elements of Harmony stopped working for her. She needed somebody to take on the role, so she trusted the character on the show next most powerful and personally close to her. King Sombra's reappearance was something that she had already tried and failed to stop, and something that a show of pure force from herself and Luna had failed to stop before, so she didn't bother, knowing that the county's premier experts in magic and defense (Twilight and Shining) would be the best qualified to deal with the threat. She willingly puts herself between her citizens and the Monster of the Week numerous times (Discord, Chrysalis, NMM), and it's only when she fails that she resorts to Twilight.
The only time she even approaches a manipulative troll is with the dragon, and even then it's because she knows Twilight has experience with dragons and that the land was on a timer by virtue of the cloud of smoke that she could not afford to run. The negotiations only grew dangerous because Rainbow Dash resorted to physical violence, something nobody anticipated, and something that is entirely on RBD's head (and she never apologizes for
).
I can't help but think of Careless Whisper right now.
I'm never gonna dance again, these guilty hooves have got no rhythm~ -- Anyway, cute story. Nice open ending.
I have no words
4790843 there's only one episode about Luna...
That was less than good.
I would like to point out that not only is 'The Rule' a contrivance that does nothing useful for the story, it makes zero logical sense. Half of politics during the feudal age were based around marrying off children. There is no way the lords and ladies would even consider something like that. It would make it impossible for them to attach themselves to the princesses.
4798326 "Less than good" is a little harsh, but I think the audience has spoken as far as The Rule is concerned--it seems silly and contrived.
So The Rule doesn't apply to Cadence because she's ruler of the Crystal Empire? See, I always assumed the Crystal Empire was an Equestrian territory, sort of like how Puerto Rico is an American territory, and therefore is part of Equestria.
And honestly I don't think my assumption is all that crazy due to the fact that Equestrian ponies overthrew the previous ruler and their princess is from Equestria.But hay, it's your story. And other than that minor flaw in your logic, it was a great story.4798326 The reason rulers around the world have to marry off their children is because they need to continue the royal bloodlines. However, this is not required when the rulers in question are immortal.
4798719
Well, the idea was that ruling over the entire world (be that of ponies or the planet, depends on your headcannon) was too much for somepony who was 'distracted' by love. Any smaller pieces were okay, like the Crystal Empire. This means that, yes, Celestia and Twilight wouldn't be entirely removed from rule, but they would be moved to smaller towns/cities/empires/countries. The problem with this was that Luna would be the only one left to rule, and if she was 'corrupted' by love, there wouldn't be anyone left to rule (besides Blueblood. I mean, who wants that idiot on the throne?).
There is actually a common rule that disallows inter-office relationships, and it gets harsher the higher it goes so that favoritism doesn't play a factor. In government, having an affair is enough for someone to get impeached over. I really based The Rule off of this.
4798867 But the princesses don't rule over the whole world, just Equestria. Nopony can rule over the whole world.
4799298
That's what I'm saying. If your headcanon is that Equestria does not include griffons and dragons, then The Rule applies to the 'country' of Equestria. If you believe that Equestria is the name of the planet, then rule over the planet. It all depends on what you believe.
Also, let's keep in mind that this is a cartoon where harmony is widespread. I think a few ponies ruling the planet isn't out of the question.
4798687
[1] Weak sentence. Shortening to as few words as possible would add oomph. "It meant nothing."
[2] Useless adverb that detracts from the sentence's strength. (Should also be before 'care' but that's more of a personal preference.)
[3] Starting two sentences with the same word in the same paragraph is distracting and should be avoided as much as starting a sentence with 'but' or 'and' for many of the same reasons. Should change to 'Now that she was a Princess, it was her duty to make everypony feel good about themselves and the state of the kingdom.'
[4] That is not a princess' job.
Perhaps I have high standards for what I read, but I don't consider that a flaw, and I stand by my statement.
4799517 That's not a "less than great" story. That's a story that needs an editor. Grammar does not lower the quality of the story, it lowers the quality of the writing. And while it is jarring and occasionally ruins dramatic tension, even a grammar Nazi editor like me can appreciate a story regardless of grammar issues.
4799676
Those four points I made have nothing to do with grammar. There is no grammar rule about any of them. I don't really care about misplaced commas, improperly used semicolons, misspelled words, or incorrect homophones, but if every other sentence leaves me feeling as though the author didn't care enough to try crafting the best sentences he could, why should I care enough to read them? When you add in that that is all in the first paragraph, he's lucky I made it all the way to Twi's first conversation with Tia.
4800059 They are all to do with word choice, which is grammar (or at the very least the job of an editor to correct, which is what I initially said ("grammar Nazi" is a figure of speech)), besides the last one, which is characterization being manifest (note Celestia says "duty" not "legal obligation" or "employment") and you taking it as a factually incorrect statement. If nitpicks on word choice (the harshest editors in the world would let a "repetition" like the one you were talking about in your third example slide) truly ruin a story for you, maybe fanfiction reading isn't the hobby you wish to pursue.
Also, it's pretty rude of you to declare that the author is not putting effort into their writing. Can you read their minds? Do you know how good at word usage they are? How personally do you know this author?
As for how much a sentence personally pleases you (i.e. your quote, and all of the times you talk about how you feel reading the story), that's all fine and well, but it don't mean a damn when it comes to the objective quality of the story being told. You disliking something and something being of inferior quality are two different (though obviously overlapping) areas.
4800138
4800059
Guys, I am here to work on my writing, not to beat everyone to creating the best story (be that through my writing or the tale I tell).
A lot of this is about personal taste.
Honey Mead, if my sentence structure and writing craft isn't something that you enjoy reading, you don't have to read it.
I do understand that at some point in this conversation you were attempting to help, and I am thankful for that.
Knight of Cerebus, I appreciate you fighting for my side, but you are wrong. I did not try my hardest on this story.
In actuality, I wrote this to shake off the cobwebs. I didn't give it a read-through, I just finished it and sent it off. I'm sorry if you were expecting the best and this story didn't meet your expectations, I really am. If you want to pick it apart, I won't stop you and I won't argue with you.
The only thing I will argue is that I am a girl, not a boy.
4800264 4800059 I never said you did work your hardest. I said it was impolite of him to assume you were cutting corners without evidence. I stand by that statement.
Also, I will further stand by my assertation that his declarations don't match up very fairly given the nature of his reasons for making statements about the story's inferior quality. It's fair enough to say "this story has some problems" or "I found the word choice to be a crippling flaw", but not to say that a single running problem makes the story inherently within an inferior cast of stories because that error tends to bother you especially.
And don't worry, Honey and I know each other well enough, and are no strangers to criticism of each other both as writers and as critics. I don't think either of us is taking this super personally (though he has been a bit more blunt than I know him to usually be).
Lastly, your point of contention is why I always use gender neutral pronouns.
4800319
Thank you. Good to know that this argument isn't quite as intense as I thought it was.
I was trying to douse the flames there...