I will place some stuff here later.
"I cry. I weep. Will I ever see light again? It is...[sic.] tragic. I can't remember the glowing stars, I can't remember the sunshine, I can't remember the light of friendship or companionship. All I remember is Tartarus, the place of the damned. I remember only night, I remember only death. Is this what it is like in death's other kingdom? Have the eyes guided me here to stay for eternity? I don't know...."
-the Tartarus Journal
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Bible Black - Black Sabbath
Wow... thats fucking traumatising
It was... Okay.
I've been waiting for a really grimdark story on the subject of Tartarus for a while now. This isn't as grim as I would like, but it's a start.
455333
Yeah, first time writing anything related to the grimdark genre.
Wow.... Now that was... uh.... Creepy. Very creepy. I freaked out at every sound around me while reading this. I am still shaking now.... If you wanted to scare people out of their bodies, you did well. Nice job.
It's... well, "good" seems like a rather inappropriate term for an expedition into Hell that goes from a literal descent into darkness into a metaphysical, psychological one. That said, the story was... let's go with "well done." It's fairly clear that English isn't your first language, but by and large, you did a great job. More importantly, the tone of suspense and quiet, building horror was very well executed.
My only real complaint beyond minor editing quibbles is one of logic: After living for untold centuries, why would Cerberus succumb to darkness now? This is his job, his duty, his purpose. It couldn't be the show of affection to the ponies that made him vulnerable. If that were the case, he would've died shortly after he met his mate. Unless, of course, he never actually died, and it was just the delusion of an increasingly unreliable narrator...
Well, aside from that, fantastic work. Remember, folks: Don't go wandering into your local Hellmouth.
460163
Thank you for this comment, man. However, my first language is English
.
460324 Oh. Um. Sorry.
There were some tense issues and idiomatic flubs that suggested otherwise...
Um, would you like me to do some editing? You know, to make up for the accidental insult? ...I'm making it worse, aren't I?
460328
It's alright. Part of those mistakes were me saying "Oh God, I'm too lazy to change this..." and just leaving it as it is. Some were probably unintentional, but that doesn't excuse it.
Whatever the case, I'm completely fine with someone looking at this and editing it. If you need something like a google docs to do edits, I can easily accommodate you.
Lovecraftian, almost.
504959
I'm slowly editing this piece. I'm going to be adding about 5000 more words of scene and plot development, because I feel like I rushed this a bit. However, I don't want to get rid of this since a few people have read this. :l
does this have to do with this im just at cursioty cat or does it not have a hidden message?
no i doubt it has to do with giant bugs
524256
Hey, I can at least add a scene with giant bug crawling on their flanks, which are actually illusions.
525298 ermm that would be creepy but interesting so idk there lol