Worlds Apart and Fighting Alone

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What is Twilight's only means of survival when trapped on Earth? Become a Navy SEAL of course! A completely ridiculous story told with absolute sincerity, join Twilight as she struggles to return home while fighting alone.

Chapters (3)

Chapter 1 · 9th Aug 2014 · 5,395 words
5,395
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Chapter 2 · 9th Aug 2014 · 4,910 words
4,910
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Chapter 3 · 10th Oct 2014 · 6,756 words
6,756
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Comments ( 13 )

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FlameSwordedLink

FlameSwordedLink #1 · Aug 9th, 2014 · 1 · · Chapter 1 ·

I came for the humor, and I received action instead. You also answered all of my questions as the story went through. I'll just continue reading now.

Acoustic Pulse

Acoustic Pulse #2 · Aug 9th, 2014 · · · Chapter 2 ·

Cool story, bro. ^-^ Literally.

FlameSwordedLink

FlameSwordedLink #3 · Aug 9th, 2014 · 2 · · Chapter 2 ·

This is an amazing story! Seriously, get the next chapter out soon!

xDHannibalxD

xDHannibalxD #4 · Aug 9th, 2014 · 1 · · Chapter 2 ·

What just happened? What. Just. HAPPENED?!? I'm like tons of confused right now. But it also was kinda awesome.

SpaceTruth

SpaceTruth #5 · Aug 9th, 2014 · · · Chapter 1 ·

Good stuff!

Jacque

Jacque #6 · Aug 10th, 2014 · 1 · · Chapter 2 ·

And I was expecting a silly cute little story about purple seal...
Cool story anyway, keep up the good work

asylum1388

asylum1388 #7 · Aug 10th, 2014 · 2 · · Chapter 2 ·

Said I'd give this a look and I did.

Overall, this is a good fic. I'm a fan of the inherent comedy brought by seriously telling a not serious story. However, two things really jumped out at me that could be improved:

Formatting. It's relatively consistent, but there are still jumps. Indenting for new paragraphs while not indenting after the double line break is an uncommon format, but still workable if it stays consistent. Unfortunately, you did make a few errors in said consistency

e.g.

“Look Lieutenant,” he said. “You’re a great wingman, one of the best shots I know. Probably the best shot I know. You’re everything I could ask for in a partner, but we’re about to deploy on a blind mission, cut off from everyone by an unexplainable phenomenon in the middle of a burned out demilitarized zone. You can keep pouting, but I need to know that when we’re on the ground I can still depend on you.” Keeping her arms crossed, Twilight slumped farther into her chair and frowned.
“You can depend on me, sir,” she said.

And the double-break was unnecessary in this particular instance:

Twilight stepped towards a stone shard poking upwards at the crater edge put a gloved hand to its surface. The black and blue exterior appeared buffed and reflected back a distorted halo of her face. Through magic or force, the unnatural rock seemed to have bored its way up out of the ground. Deep within Twilight, a memory stirred. She had seen rock like this before when trapped beneath Canterlot along side Princess Cadence. This time, though, there was no changeling magic dancing across its surface. The dark stone stood silent, but the sight and memory stifled Twilight, filling her stomach with dread.
Their going through the crater was slow. The closer to the center they ventured, the tighter and more twisted the pathways through the rock shards became. Often Briggs led them to a dead end, and they had to retrace their steps several times over. It would have been impossible to navigate to a fixed location had there not been the tower of rock always looming over them in the distance.

The other issue was the pacing; it was a little jumpy. It's an extremely minor thing, but you could do with some re-thinking it. The speed of the fic keeps changing rather rapidly and just as the readers gets used to the pace, it either picks up or slows down. This has a tendency to rip the reader out of the story and break the immersion in what is otherwise a very immersion-intensive fic.

Again, this is overall a very strong submission, but like all other stories, there's room for improvement.

Hope that helped!

DrMatrix

DrMatrix #8 · Sep 25th, 2014 · · · Chapter 2 ·

I apologize for the long delay in updating. There was originally supposed to be only one chapter left, but Chapter 3 grew too large and must be split. My goal has always been one polished chapter a month, and hopefully I should be sticking to that. Look for Chapter 3 by the end of September.

FlameSwordedLink

FlameSwordedLink #9 · Oct 11th, 2014 · · · Chapter 3 ·

Well, if stopping a rail cannon isn't overpowered, I don't know what is.

Acoustic Pulse

Acoustic Pulse #10 · Oct 11th, 2014 · · · Chapter 3 ·

Dude. This is awesome. OP as fuck, but awesome!

Cupcakes

Cupcakes #11 · Nov 20th, 2014 · · · Chapter 3 ·

Finish writing this so I can read it. :|

Commander Darklight

Commander Darklight #12 · Jan 28th, 2015 · · · Chapter 3 ·

5125431 um how about twilight making a mass driver cannon spell

she really does this in the 'Immortal game'

Heres how

1) take two null void spaces
2)add about 100kg of iron to one void
3)superheat till molten
4)compress with gravity spell
5)turn second null void into infinity loop
6)teleport compressed molten iron to infinity loop null void
7)increase gravity in said infinity loop
8)allow molten iron to reach near speed of light
9)face enemy and release molten iron from null void
10)ENJOY your custom made sparkle mass driver spell!!!!

totallynotabrony