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Re-done, revamped, and 20 percent cooler!
The Apple Family (all except little Apple Bloom) look down upon those who are gay. Now that Granny Smith and Big Mac have told everypony they're "queers", everypony hates them. To get away from these harsh ponies, Rarity and Applejack run away to the Everfree Forest, facing countless journeys to get to the "happy land."
Image was used with permission. Credit goes to xcuteikinz for her amazing artwork.
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Okay, you clearly know how the Shift key works; you can't really make quotation marks without it. So where the shit are all the capital letters in the description and title?
I think my everything just broke.
This fic physically hurts me to read it.
I don't get it.
Looks like you forgot what paragraph spacing is, try again.
Even the existence of this fic is cringe worthy.
What exactly compelled you to write this piece of shit?
I think you've got your allegory mixed up here, kiddo.
th09.deviantart.net/fs71/PRE/i/2012/283/f/b/__lik_dis_if_u_cry_evertim___by_zerotwo14-d5hfq5s.jpg
Oh look, once again, the Apple family and the rural town of Ponyville are nothing but a cluster of bigots/racists.
Congratulations on stereotyping and profiling!
Oh that's very creative! Celestia being against lesbians, who would have thought of that!
i.imgur.com/gShTHXT.gif
You need to hit the revoke button right away. Keep this in mind, I have not even read the fic. But I have read the description, and it is already utterly horrible. Seriously? You couldn't at least capitalize Celestia, and the beginning of your sentences? And judging by that description, the whole cast sounds OOC! Applejack and Rarity runaway? No, no, what about their sisters? Applejack and Rarity, would never leave there sisters hanging! Jesus... And this is just the beginning of what is wrong with your damn story! I don't even wanna find out the tortures you have put in the chapters.. Just please remove the story, find a editor, then publish it again. For now please take this shit away from my eyes!
With that here is my rating 0/10. Not even a 1 because of missing capitalization. Also, you should have added the gore tag. Mainly cause your writing skills is very gore and scary.
i1114.photobucket.com/albums/k527/LynseyCoultas/scared_dash_zps4c96e725.gif
4872486 Remind you of anyone?
Also I believe you mean this for that title, "Rarity and Applejack: A Tale of Broken Hearts". By the way, tail and tale are completely different things! Come on, what are you a first grader? Wait no I take that back, a first grader would already know that! Seriously, the least you could do is fix the description and title. :facehoof
EDIT > And please get a thesaurus for your sake. Clearly with this kind of vocabulary you will not get anywhere. You already lost the readers interest with that title, and mistakes of the description.
What the holy fuck? I actually read this! And no, no, no, just no! Okay I said it once and I will say it again, the whole cast is OOC! And your character tags, first off where is Granny Smith, Futtershy, and Apple Bloom? And why the hell did you add Princess Celestia? She has no part of dialogue or appearance in this whole fucking chapter! And what hell is up with Fluttershy? There is no way in hell she could say all that so confident! And Granny Smith? Jesus don't get me started with her girlfriend... First off, she hates Applejack? You couldn't at least gave us a flashback or more of description, rather then because she is gay? And then you have her say she ain't part of the family at the end! Oh hell no! Girl, just stop whatever you're doing, and think about this once more. Really? The only good thing about this so far is the fucking accent. I will give you this though, this story does seem interesting. And you could have made this into something amazing. You could have even changed my thoughts about that ship. I promise you this could be a great story if only, you will take the time to fix it. This is how you can fix it:
Step number 1: Revoke the story.
Step number 2: Get a editor.
Step number 3: Make the first chapter at least around 3k words.
Step number 4: Add the missing cast in the tag story area.
Step number 5: Work on detail and capitalization.
Step number 6: Watch the show a couple of times. Observe a little bit closer how the characters act.
Step number 7: Rewrite this whole trainwreck! If you can follow these steps, I can promise you that this story will be a hella lot better than it is now.
So that is all I have to say about this story so far. Wait! No I don't, I have more to say. But I won't say it because it just to ridiculous to even say.
So good luck with this story, I hope you fix it before making the next chapter. 
I'm just going to give my honest opinion on this story. It's not worth reading.
Most of this doesn't make sense if you look at it. "Celestia had told everpony that rarity was a lesbian with applejack, and now, not even the rest of their friends would speak to them." I highly doubt that Celestia will broadcast Rarity's secret to everypony just to ostracize her and Applejack to the society of Ponyville. Not to mention that there was no rhyme or reason for doing this, what did this accomplish exactly? What did exploiting a same-sex relationship between people of the Elements of Harmony do? The biggest mystery of it all is how did Celestia knew? She's running a nation, I don't think she have spare time to check in the personal life of her subjects and she wouldn't go as far as jeopardizing the power of friendship.
My favorite part is how you threw Fluttershy, of all people, through the OOC wringer and gave us this. "But that was before I found out you were queer." It made me cringe as I witness one of the nicest character in the show outright called one of her closest friend a queer. Which brings me to another point, no one isn't supporting their relationship. Based on what you gave us, everypony is alienating them because of their sexual preference which is all sorts of fucked up.
I honestly think you just made this story to soapbox your stance in homosexuality, which isn't that surprising since many others did some things way stupider. What reinforces this is that most of this doesn't make sense. What was the purpose of Celestia doing that? Why did Fluttershy listen to random clerk and believed what he said instead of going to them personally for their side of the story?
Fluttershy, you deal with this. My head hurts...
puu.sh/aYwlB/c5578b9a85.JPG
"With pleasure."
4872821 Nobody is being a hater, or even hating on this. Simply just giving feedback, and pointing out what is wrong. And are you sure this great?
4872830 Girl you are completely right about everything in that review! I praise you for pointing the most worst things out! And you know what? I am going to fucking follow you cause of that. Congrats bro, you just earned a follower off of the truth.
This isn't even a good trollfic.
4872821
Seriously? Hater? Really? Good god, I am sick of every little immature fucktard using this. Watch this video so you'll know how fucking dumb that term is.
Leaving out everything else that is wrong or unsettling about this story, the one thing that bugs me the most is Applejack's note to Apple Bloom. When writing a note, even if you had an accent, you would not put it in the note, except maybe as a joke.
Zis would be as eef for no rason I ztarted typing vith a fronch accent. As you can see, it is very jarring and quite annoying.
let's see what we got here
>dat title
well that could be easily fixed...
...
Nope.
Excuse me while I go to anally devastate myself with used bad dragon dildos.
Congratulations, it's a world record for how quickly a fic got a dramatic reading.
4872319
Trolling, maybe?
The story itself doesn't have that many errors in it. It might just be a trollfic.
If it isn't... well, I think the biggest flaw with this story is that it is a bit too straightforward. We are told about the central conflict rather than really shown what is going on, and the whole thing doesn't really fit very well with the world as presented in the show. Really, most of the issues stem from that above all else.
The letter is also off, for the reasons others mentioned; you don't write with your accent. Well, that's not true; some people who are not very good at writing do so. But using Ah instead of I is definitely not the sort of mistake which would be made in this manner.
If you are an actual novice writer, and not just trolling, you should more or less ignore the people who say that this story is so bad that it made their eyes bleed or whatever; they're just participating in the "fun" of trollfics.
And if you are the actual writer, use capital letters in your summary and title.
Secondly, this story is just awful. Everybody is OOC, ESPECIALLY Fluttershy, but I'll get to that. I don't buy that anybody in Ponyville, much less anybody in the Mane 6 would treat them like this. Ever. Under any circumstances. The Mane 6 are supposed to be the embodiment of Friendship. If anything, Twilight would go against Celestia on this.
But the one I simply cannot imagine doing something like this is Fluttershy. Have you even watched the fucking show? Honest to god, nobody who has watched the show could possibly think Fluttershy would act anything like this under ANY circumstances. Ever.
Your fic is absolute garbage that belongs in a dumpster. A Golden Dumpster.
Ha.
Ahahaha.
AHAHAHAHA.
[breaks down]
No. Just... no.
4872657 The joke about that is that ponies have tails. A tale is a story.
Thus, Rarity and Applejack: A Tail of Broken Hearts.
Ok, people stop moaning about Fluttershy. This fic is most likely based on how people used to act around and to homosexuals. I honestly think that this fic is very interesting, and I would quite happily edit it for you to stop ALL THESE FRIGGIN' MOANING HATERS!!!!!!!!!!
Hem, Hem. Anyway, you did an awesome job on the charecterizeation of the others and how they would act. I honestly think that the majority of those dislikes are thanks to Fluttershy's fanclub
4872821 I don't even think it's great. It's decent..
Most certainly not one of my better works..
4874895
<Sigh> Welp, glad I kept this tab from the last comment.
Now, as for the story itself...
*Tale
So, I'm out the gate really alienated by this story. Firstly, it isn't really explained why Lesbians are looked down on so heavily. We're just told they are because
Script GodCelestia says so. Furthermore, this is utterly OOC.Whether it was intentional or not, I really hate that the Apples are shown to be so damned homophobic in specific as I can only assume it's cause "They're southern" until you give me a better reason that's stated in the work. I really hate this stereotype because, Ironically enough, people from outside the south often type cast me as being a bigoted prick just cause I come from Georgia and drink sweet tea, nevermind that Fort Benning has actually allowed me to see more varied and international cultures than many people north of the Mason Dixon have seen in their whole damn life. This is getting off topic, though. My point is that not all southerners are bigoted, homophobic neanderthals and stereotyping us as such is just further bigotry.
4875116
You did good, still isn't my cup of tea but you fixed most of the glaring issues that were prevalant in the previous version. Removing my dislike, but not going to like it. I just feel neutral about this now.
4874895
How exactly are we hating, most of us are giving feedback to the author so he/she can fix the mistakes. Also, I love how you made an opinion that most of the dislikes came from Fluttershy's OOC behavior. You're funny.
4875363 As explained in a previous comment, the tail part was intentional. I'll explain this again, ponies have tails. A tale is a story. So the joke is that the story is a tail. And I did use the stereotype because I have witnessed many southerners act like that. If I offended you, or anyone else, I'm sorry. And I wasn't calling you a prick, I was just implying that many people from the south have harsh feelings toward homosexuals.
4875426
I accept your apology, and at least respect the fact that you had the maturity to say sorry, but this problem still remains:
While it is true that we have some people groups here that are against people of different religions, sexual orientations, and races- and I am certainly not trying to prove these people don't exist or justify their idiotic beliefs- but coming from someone who has been all over the south and met plenty of different subcultures of southerners, the few radicals that actually believe this don't come anywhere near the vast majority of us who just decide to let go of the hate. The majority is more progressive than you think. Hell, Atlanta is a lot more cosmopolitan than most cities, even some of the ones out west or up north.
Just to be clear, I'm not arguing for the sake of attempting to say my culture is better than any other. I see problems in my culture- like for instance a lack of emphasis on personal education and development- just like I see the things I like. MY only point is that buying into and then using that stereotype in a story just does more to enforce it when it isn't true by and large in the first place.
Take for instance if I was writing about a foreign place like, say South Africa- which I am- and instead of taking time to research the political, ethnic, economic, and cultural nuances of South Africa, I just decided to make the main villain an evil, racist Afrikaner because I bought into the stereotype that they are all just pro-apartheid fascists. That would be vastly ignorant of me because, in addition to the fact that many Afrikaners today are just normal citizens, I would be profiling the majority based on a small part of it in past history.
Hope I didn't come off to confrontational. I'm not angry, especially since you apologizing proved to me that you at least aren't intentionally trying to take potshots at all southerners, but I did want to point out that this stereotype is really inaccurate and only sets our culture back as it becomes more prevalent.
4875910 Okay. Thank you for pointing that out.
4875986
Sure. Thanks for not getting pissy and defensive.
4875409
I was only addressing some people, who are pointing out errors in a rude way (eg, OMFG, I can't believe you put your. It's friggin' you're, you idiot. That wasn't there by the way, it's just an example of how some people are behaving.). Your comment was absolutely fine. And no offence, but are you being sarcastic when you say I'm funny? It's hard to tell on the internet these days.
4876186 Please take this up with a PM. I don't like to see people fighting on my page and or story.
4876205
Sorry!
4876210 It's OK, I just want everyone to be friends.
4876205
Sorry.
4876878 No need to apologize.
I see a big improvement in the grammar and Fluttershy's character. I changed my thumbs down to a thumbs up. Although I would still change it a little more. If you want to write a story about an issue like homophobia, you have to hit the reader where it hurts. You need to show, not tell. For example, instead of rushing into the beginning and just telling us that the clerk refused to sell Rarity her stuff flesh it out. Have the clerk say something like, "I don't do business with queers like you. Get out of my shop you scum,". Or have Diamond Tiara tell Apple Bloom that if Applejack and Rarity are in a relationship they will burn in heck. Make us see how badly everypony treats lesbians. Give them a big reason that they want to run away. Keep up the good work and don't get discouraged.
There is a huge improvement in grammar here in chapter two. Way to go.
There are still a few issues that could be addressed, like using the horizontal rule tool to separate between the Apple Bloom and Applejack scenes. Another couple of small issues are:
And
"Suitcase" is one word.
One final thing, this sentence says more about the bigotry in Equestria than you probably meant it to.
This sentence compares being gay to having a mental disability. By that I mean there is an equal disdain for the mentally handicapped as there is for gays. If you throw the Jewish and blacks into that, you have Nazi Germany.
Just a little food for thought.
I reread chapter one, and though the grammar and spelling could stand to use a good polishing, it does read easier.
I can point out what is still wrong if you would like.
Damn we got a daddy mac!
(That made no fucking sense at all) And wow this actually is readable. And some characters do still seem OOC. But I guess I am enjoying this somehow. 
I am sincerely impressed at the effort you've made to improve. You still have improving to do, but you've taken the criticism given to you, not all of it friendly. (Including my own, which I apologize for.) And made a genuine attempt to improve. Like I said, there are still things you can improve on, but the important thing is that you want to improve. And that's the sign of a potentially good writer in the making. Good luck.
4872405 You should shut up! She's eleven years old, you idiot!!!
4884937
Yes, because a small time internet curmudgeon like me would know and care about the age of some one over the internet.
4885167 Let's see you make a story, huh. After that, maybe you can start judging how good others are.
Until then,
4.bp.blogspot.com/-8V4NZjf_i4k/U_ZvpRO6L8I/AAAAAAAAAVc/h84SR1mxFwY/s1600/Suck%2Bmy%2Bgreat%2Band%2Bpowerful%2Bass.jpg
4886274
If you would like to discuss this issue with me, by all means, do so, but let it be over the Private Messaging System. I don't want to start a flame fight. If we did that, we'd both look like utter twats.