Your semi-standard HiE story. Based off of such stories as "Omnius' Travels: Equestria", "How Did I Get Here?", and "Le Retour"
This is my first story on this site, and hopefully won't be the last.
A higher ranking officer of the Inter-Dimensional Traveller's Corps. or the IDTC, has finally gotten every Brony's dream come true: He get's to go to Equestria. Find out how he will learn about friendship, tolerance, and even... love.
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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This is the first of hopefully many chapters. If it gets enough positive feedback, i will continue it
I can't say whether I like this or not. I'll just outline a few problems that rest uneasy with me.
First off, WALL OF TEXT! Especially the first three paragraphs. Wait, isn't that a contradiction? How can there be a wall of text and paragraphs? Well, you found a way.
Secondly, for the first half or so, you're wildly inconsistent with quotations. It's also generally considered proper to make a new paragraph whenever someone speaks, even if they're alone.
Thirdly, Josh can switch between unicorn and pegasus at will? WARNING! WARNING! Marty Stu detected!
-Tricondon
480660 Don't worry about him being a Marty Stu. Although Josh can willingly switch between human, unicorn, and pegasus, he will mostly favor being a pegasus as he is still somewhat unaccustomed to using magic. As for the wall of text, I know what you mean, but it's actually mostly thought. And it's ll one paragraph because it's a continuing thought, with an action in the middle.
480681
There are other things that bug me, but they're more of the personal kind; I tried only to outline those that everyone would dislike.
/) * (\ /) * (\ /) * (\ /) * (\ /) * (\ /) * (\ /) * (\ /) * (\ /) * (\ /) * (\ /) * (\ /) * (\/) * (\ /) * (\
Also, what was up with this? I get that it was intended to be a line break, but there are better ways. FiMFiction has a line break built into the uploading system. A line of ~~~~~ also works.
-Tricondon
480704 That was my (apparently) failed attempt at being clever... It was supposed to be a line break of brohoofs...
480752
*squints*
Oooh, now I see it.
-Tricondon
We need to know MOAR!
Sincerely the Doctor
480875 Calm down, my good Doctor! If you want more, simply hop into the TARDIS and travel to about 2 days from now, I should have the second chapter posted by then. You might even make an appearance!
480766 I saw it the first time
And this story is a little rushed, but it is still in the beginning stage so it will get better later on.
481417 oh yes you are brilliant
Sincerely the Doctor
Oh, another one. Welcome to the club!
On topic: How is this inspired by Le Retour?
When i saw Squall's gun blade, i cried.
486969 It's more just inspired by k12314's stories of Kyle's acventures alltogether. But if you want a direct reference, He will use Allons-y when he can.
Newest Chapter! I know its short, but i hope you like it anyway!
I want to see more of this also nice reference to me
Sincerely the Doctor
488338 You know what would be interesting? If someone wrote an actual, published book about- wait...
489959 I'm not sure what you mean, but this book looks interesting...
This chapter is dedicated to DumbGamer99 and SovietBacon. Check out their stories! They're awesome!
495156 Cool
, I like it bring more out right now
...please
495230 i have yet to type up chapter 4 and 5, but rest assured, as soon as i do, they will be posted!
495237
Time I will make you go faster to get that chapter
Sincerely the Doctor
I am glad I decided to check this story out. Nice job bro. Cant wait for the next chapter.
Very good chapter and story mate. Only gripe I have (It's more personal than anything) is: Space between each paragraph. Just makes it easier to read. The premise is good, character has an alright personality at the moment-
495156 - "This chapter is dedicated to DumbGamer99 and SovietBacon. Check out their stories! They're awesome!"
...
"Dumbgamer99...check out... awesome."
...
Excuse me, but I need to go have a fangasm at being recommended and having a chapter from another story dedicated to me. My pleased-ness of the story has increased.
Holy shit, loved the men in black reference. Storyline was really creative. Maybe a bit, TOO creative...hmmmm
521293 Ummm... I don't remember making a Men in Black reference... Where do you see that? As for the creativity: I'm a high school senior with too much time on his hands, no girlfriend, ADHD, and insanity. You tell me if that won't make you a damn creative writer...
When he erased their memory with the device, covering their eyes?
Also, damn bro, ADHD AND insanity? Pinkie pie aint got shit on you...
521371 Oh right! I forgot about that... But no, Pinkie Pie has Pinkie Physics, Pinkie Sense, Cotton Candy Mane, and Gummy... Not to mention Cupcakes...
Oh god...cupcakes..*shudders*
Bro, you is crazy! And I should know! I live in Crazy Hillbilly Hell! I'm the only pony in the entire coulnty with an IQ over 80, and doesn't want to kill the first person to step on my lawn...
But bro, loving your work! Just be careful you don't have too many open elements and variables, otherwise it becomes hard to keep the story rolling.
My rating?
out of ten 'staches!
Sweet chuck Norris is in this fic
Sincerely the Doctor
Lol. Funny chapter.
.....
642061>>640930>>641296 Glad you all enjoyed it! Now; it is nearly 11:30 at night, and I have a 5hour drive to Michigan tomorrow, BUT I MUST TYPE THE NEXT CHAPTER!!! Upwards and Onwards: ALLONS-Y!!!
643230 I had the same reaction to Cupcakes, didn't cry when I read MLD, and could I please have a link to (Br)Ice's account?
643277 Ahh... But can you say the same for August Underground? (Little hint: one of the lighter scenes is a woman getting her head beaten to a pulp with a claw hammer) Also, here.
643674 The pleasure is all mine, although, be ready to fight for the chance at Fluttershy's love soon... (HINT HINT!!!)
644385
What!?
644391 Don't worry, you just have to prepare to fight for her... nothing shall be said about losing her... no more spoilers for you, I must get back to typing in the villian!!!
Oh yeah? Who's the villain my friend?
644500 He is someone I met a little while ago. He calls himself Claude Striker and he says his ponysona is Blackwing the Dark Bringer...
He sounds fun!
I WIELD THE ENERGY SWORD OF FIRST!!! images.wikia.com/aliens/images/7/75/Energy-sword.jpg
Now to read the chapter.....
762423 I really hope they start enforcing the "First!" ban rule soon.
765654 I really don't mind, as long as he does read the chapter. And, technically, I'm always first...
765654 If that is one of the rules, then i shall not be saying first ever again if it means being banned....I dont like being banned.....
768382 It's supposedly a rule, though the mods may be bluffing. You still shouldn't do it either way, though.
God... It's been a MONTH?! I have got to stop procrastinating... Oh, well, ENJOY!!
Raven you sly dog...